The Epiphany

by Kaffy

A *what if* story....What if instead of having Stefano, Julia had an abortion....how would their lives be different?

The Epiphany

By: Kaffy

Richard stood poised in front of the canvas.  His black attire was adorned by spots of color hat had fallen throughout the last couple of hours.  Caroline had fallen asleep hours ago and he had to get his grief out on the canvas before she woke up.  She didn't know; she wouldn't understand.  His strokes ferociously attacked the surface as worked feverishly, trying to get it done before her eyes opened.  **Damn It!  I need more brown.**  He leaned over to get more color.

Richard didn't know that Caroline had woken up 10 minutes before that.  She loved watching him while he painted, he was so passionate about it.  But, she hadn't seen his current masterpiece, he was in the way.  When he bent over to get the new color, she caught her first glimpse.  Her eyes opened wide in shock and fear.  **Oh my God!  It's Julia… and she's holding a baby….why would he paint that?  He still loves her.  He wants a family with her. **  She laid back and pretended to go sleep, but was really deep in thought.  She knew he didn't want her to see it, so she'd pretend like nothing happened, but what was going through his head?   

Richard crawled back into his Murphy bed about an hour later, exhausted.  He gathered a still sleeping Caroline in his arms and kissed her on top of her head.  "I love you, Caroline," he whispered softly in her ears.  He fell asleep almost as soon as his head hit the pillow, leaving a very confused Caroline lying awake.

*~*~*~*~*

"Annie?  Are you there?  If you're there, pick up the phone, it's really important!  Annie!  I really need you to come over.  Yeah, now…it's about Richard.  Ok, thanks."

A few seconds later, Annie came bouncing in to the room.  "Ok, what's up?"

"Ok, so I saw one of Richard's painting when I wasn't supposed to and it was of Julia and a baby and he's in love with her again and I'm losing him.  Annie, what am I going to do?  I'm losing him…."  She was talking so fast that she could barely be understood.

"Ok, ok, ok, slow down!  Now, what happened?"

She took a deep breath.  "Ok.  Well, you know how I've been telling you he's been distant lately?  Well, the other night we were at his place and he thought I was asleep.  I woke up and was watching him paint, cause you know he's so passionate when he paints, and I couldn't see the canvas because he was in the way, but then he bent over and I saw it."  Tears started to well up in her eyes.  She spat out, "It was Julia holding a baby," before breaking down into complete sobs.

Annie reached out to hug her, "Oh, honey, I'm so sorry."

"But then afterwards, when he thought I was still asleep, he crawled up to me and kissed the top of my head and said he loved me.  I just don't know what to do…."

"I don't know what to tell you.  Maybe you should talk to him about it."

"He can't know I've seen the painting, he'll kill me.  He has this huge privacy thing."

"Ok.  So don't tell him about the painting.  But if you aren't happy, you have to do something about it.  If he's been distant, talk to him about it."

"But I'm not unhappy, I love Richard!"  She wiped furiously at her tears.  "I've never been happier with a man."

Annie chuckled slightly, "Caroline, You're crying, how happy can you be?"

"Well, I was before last night…"

"But you've been telling me for weeks how distant he's been.  You two really need to talk about it."

"Yeah, maybe….no!  He'll work whatever it is out himself, he always does.  It's his problem, he has to deal with it."

*~*~*~*~*

As the weeks passed, Richard grew more and more distant, withdrawing into his paintings.  When with Caroline he was tentative, afraid, like she was his dream instead of his reality.  Caroline worried more and more with each passing day.  Every time she tried to reach Richard, he would pull away or run to his apartment to paint.  She knew she was slowly losing him to whatever grief was plaguing his mind and it hurt.  It wasn't long before her nightmares started.  The scenery was different, but the actions were always the same, she lost him in the end.  Luckily for her, they only came when they spent the night apart, until one night a couple of weeks after they started.

*****She woke up in the soft grass next to a huge mansion.  When she looked off around the house, she saw a huge vineyard with magnificent mountains behind it.  She tried to open the doors, but the mansion was locked.  She looked around the windows, trying to see what was inside.  That's when she saw them.  His right hand was resting lightly on the small or her back, his left holding her right a silent hostage over his heart.  Her left hand raked through his thick blonde waves.  They swayed slowly to the gentle beat of the music.  She shook the long black curs out of her face so he could gently kiss her lips.  When they pulled apart, they both smiled and looked at the bassinet in the corner.  Caroline's mouth dropped and she started screaming his name.  "Richard!  No!  I thought you loved me!  You said you loved me!  Don't Richard!  I love you!  Tears savagely fell down her cheeks.  "No!" *****

"No, Richard!  I thought you loved me!  No! Don't do it!  I love you!"

"Caroline!  Caroline!  Shhhh…..it was only a dream."  Richard pulled her close.

"Richard?" she whispered.

"It's ok.  I'm right here.  Shhhh…you just had a nightmare."  He gently ran his fingers through her hair, trying to console her.

"Oh no!  Not again!" she cried as she pushed him away.

"Again?"  He tried to pull her close again but she held firm.  "Has this been happening a lot?"

The tears came back again, "Don't worry about it, I'll be fine…."

"But you were screaming my name, it was about me.  Caroline, what's going on?"

"Nothing, ok?!  Nothing!"  With that, she ran the stairs crying.  She settled on the couch holding a throw pillow for comfort.

Richard slowly walked down the stairs, the vision beholding him there scared the hell out of him.  He'd never seen Caroline this upset.  He slowly approached her, laying a gentle hand on her shoulder.  "Caroline, you're having nightmares about me?"  She nodded.  "We need to talk about this…why are you having nightmares about me?"

"I'm so sorry, Richard.  I didn't mean to see it, honest."  The tears were out of control.

"See what?"

"I saw the painting you did of Julia and the baby…."

He bowed his head.  "You were looking through my paintings?"

"No.  I was watching you while you were painting it.  I didn't do it on purpose, but you bent over and I saw it.   I'm sorry."  She started rocking back of forth, tears silently rolling down her cheeks.

He looked up, not angry, but concerned.  "So what does that have to do with the nightmares?"

"Well," she started, "You've been so distant lately and I saw the painting and I guess I just assumed you wanted to be back with Julia.  That's what I've been dreaming about."

"I'm sorry, honey.  You don't need to worry about that.  I want to be with you and only you."

"But what is going on, Richard?  I can't take you not talking to me…."

Richard sighed.  He knew she was trying to help, but he didn't want to talk about it.  It just hurt too much.  "It's 2 o'clock in the morning, can't we talk about it later?"

"No."  She said firmly.  "I need to know why you've been so weird lately….."

"Ok, fine."  He sat down on the chair across from her and pinched the bridge of his nose.  "A couple of weeks ago, I got a letter from Julia.  It seems that she found out that she was pregnant a couple of weeks after we had split up.  She knew how much I loved you and that there was no way we were ever going to get back together and decided to get an abortion, without even telling me."  His voice caught in his throat as the tears welled in his eyes.  "But, I guess she felt guilty about what happened and she sent the letter, so at least I knew about it.  I'm sorry, I know I should have told you, but I'm so used to dealing with things on my own and…." He couldn't finish, the tears that seemed to be catching in his throat choked him.

Caroline quickly moved to the hope chest across from him, cradling his head in her arms.  "I was just so angry.  I mean, she had no right to do that, and I at least wanted to meet my son or daughter, to see them.  You have to understand, Caroline.  When I paint, I paint out of my pain and that's what's been causing me pain.  I'm so sorry if I've been distant, but it doesn't mean that I love you any less.  I love you so much, at times I feel like I can't even breathe because you're not there.  But, great art comes from pain, not happiness, that's why I did the portrait."  The tears continued to roll down his cheeks, silent sobs escaping his lips.

"Why didn't you tell me?"  She questioned, tears rolling down her cheeks as well.

"I don't know.  I mean, my whole life, I've always solved my problems on my own."

"But you don't have to do that anymore, though.  We're a couple now, I want to help you."

"I know, I know.  And I'm sorry I've been so distant.  I just couldn't handle all the emotions I was feeling and I'm so used to dwelling on my pain that I did just that and let myself and my happiness slip away, let you slip away I am so sorry that I let 'us' suffer."

"It's ok.  I understand.  I just really need you to talk to me.  I was really scared."

"I'm so sorry.  I'm really trying, this is just new to me."

"I know."  She pulled him close, cradling his head one more time.  They held each other close, quietly talking about Julia, his art, and how they would never let this happen again.  They stayed up all night, absolving their tears and repairing the breach that had formed between them.  Eventually, sleep overcame them and they went up to the bed, sleeping away all their misfortunes.

*~*~*~*~*

In the months that followed, Richard and Caroline did all they could to work out their problems, and it worked.  The couldn't bare being apart even for one night and always ended up spending the night together at one of their apartments.  Neither of them could remember ever being happier.

"Richard?"  Caroline asked, coming down the stairs.

"Yeah?"  Came the muffled response from behind the fridge door.

"Have you seen my leather jacket?  I need it for the meeting today…." She was searching under everything she could think of.

"I think you left it at my place."

"Aww, man!  My meeting is in 20 minutes, I don't have time to go all the way over there!"

"Can't you wear something else?"

She sighed, "Yeah, I guess I'll have to."  Caroline quickly ran up the stairs to change for her meeting, only to return later, buzzing about the apartment like a fly.

"Oh, god, I'm going to be so late."  She ran full speed out the door and hit the elevator button.  "Come on, come on, come on…..I'm going to be so late…."

"What?"  Richard questioned from the doorway, "No goodbye?"

"Sorry, Richard," she gave him a quick peck on the lips, "I'll be back in a little bit."  Just then the elevator doors opened.  "Bye."

"Bye."

*~*~*~*~*

Richard was sitting by the window, reading, when Caroline got back, not noticing it when she flopped down on the couch.  She sighed dramatically out loud, trying to get his attention.  Receiving a mere turning page in response, she sighed again.  This time, louder and even more dramatically, but he still ignored her.  She finally got up and approached him from behind, nuzzling into his neck.  "Weren't you going to say hello?" she asked as she slowly kissed the hollow of his neck.

"He carefully marked his page and turned around, smiling.  "Hello," he said, kissing her soundly on the lips, "How was your meeting?"

"Ugh….it was ok….I was just super flustered 'cause I was late, but it went ok…."

"Mmmmm….I'm sorry."  He kissed her again, softly at first, but it soon grew in intensity.  Both of them drank the other in, trying to savor every second.

Suddenly, Caroline pulled away.  "You know, honey, I was thinking that there might be a way to avoid me leaving stuff at your apartment and being late for important meetings…."

"Yeah?  What's that?"

"Why don't you move in here?"

"Me?  Move in here?"

"Yeah, I mean, you practically live here anyways.  This way, we both cut down on our rent and we won't get confused and leave stuff at each other's places.  It'll be perfect."

"Are you sure?  This is a big step."

"I'm sure.  I know it's a big step, but we work with each other all day and then stay here almost every night.  If we weren't compatible for it, we would know by now.  Come on, let's just do it."

"Ok…I guess we could give it a try."

"Great, we'll do it tomorrow."

*~*~*~*~*

The next day, Annie and Del helped Richard and Caroline move Richard into Caroline's apartment.  His easel replaced the stairstepping machine, which moved behind the kitchen.  Soon, they settled into a routine.  They would wake up in the morning, Caroline going downstairs to make coffee and breakfast while Richard was in the shower.  Once he was done, he would come down and eat breakfast himself while she was in the shower.  He would read the paper until she was ready to go into the office.  Then, they would go in and work all day, sometimes going out to lunch together, sometimes not.  Then they would come home in the afternoon.  Caroline would hang out with Annie, going shopping or just sitting around, while Richard would paint.

A few weeks after they moved in together, Annie and Del started dating, which both Caroline and Richard found very amusing.  Everything was working out great for them.  Neither of them could ever remember being happier.  But, Richard was not content with his art.  It wasn't evolving.  He was dwelling on the same pain and it wasn't working anymore.  He was blocked.  He had always painted and created from the pain and suffering he endured in life, but now that pain was slowly disappearing and he didn't know what to do about it.  Eventually, Caroline caught on that something was bothering him and she had an inkling that it was about his art.

After a particularly bad night of his despondency, she had finally had enough.  She called to him from the drafting table.  "Richard, what is going on?  Every time you paint, you get more and more distant."

He walked away from the canvas.  "It's nothing Caroline, don't worry about it."  He said as he approached her from behind and gave her a quick kiss before settling on the couch and reading the book he had picked up along the way.

Frustrated, Caroline stomped over to him and yanked the book out of his hand.  "It's not nothing.  Come on, we promised not to let the happen again.  We need to talk about it."  She plopped down on the coffee table in front of him, her arms crossed and determined to keep his attention.

He sat up, reaching for his book, but she held firm.  "I told you, it's nothing.  Let it go."

"No.  It's about your painting isn't it?"

Richard sighed.  **So like her to read my mind like that**  He quietly whispered, "I'm blocked."

"Blocked?"

"Yeah, blocked.  I can't paint."

"Why not?"

"I don't know.  I usually paint out of my pain, I let that drive my art.  But now, living with you, I can't find that pain anymore.  I'm so happy with you, it's blocked my art."

"Have you ever tried using that?"

"What?"

"Your happiness…."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, aren't you limiting yourself if you only paint out of one emotion?"  He just sat quietly.  Not liking the silence, she continued, "Have you ever tried painting using all of your emotions?"  He shook his head.  "Why not?"

"I don't know.  I've always thought that great art came from the artist's pain so that's what I used, my pain."

"Richard, art is supposed to be beautiful, not painful."

He sat quietly, contemplating what she was saying.  If he did what she was saying, it would be completely different than anything he had ever done before.  He knew she was right, but it meant that he would have to take a leap, a leap he wasn't sure if he was ready to make.  He closed his eyes and tried to imagine what his happiness would look like on canvas.  He couldn't fathom it.  "I don't know, Caroline.  I don't think I can use anything but my pain."

"Just try.  It can't hurt to try, can it?"

"I guess not."  She kissed him lightly on the lips.

"Just try."  She briefly touched his shoulder before trudging up the stairs.  He slowly got up and approached the canvas.  Raising his brush tentatively, he stared at the whiteness in front of him.  He braced himself and closed his eyes, gliding his brush silently over the canvas.  There were thoughts of his pain coursing through his mind, but also thoughts of Caroline, how much he loved her, his frustration with his recent work, and the way all of his emotions became jumbled into one complicated man.  He wasn't focusing merely on his pain, but all of his emotions.  He just let himself feel, feel everything.  The brush moved slowly across the canvas, forming an image totally different than anything he had ever created.  It scared the hell out of him, but he forced himself to continue, knowing that this would change everything.

It was hours later when Caroline appeared on the stairs.  She watched quietly as he painted, but quickly remembered what happened the last time she did that.  "Richard?  Are you coming up to bed soon?"

He didn't turn around.  "No, I think I'll be awhile still."

"Oh…" she replied, her face and voice falling slightly.

"I'm sorry," he turned to face her, recognizing the disappointment in her voice, "I'm just in an inspired moment, I don't want to lose it—"

She raised her hand to stop him.  "It's ok," she smiled at him, "I understand, but I'm tired and going to sleep.  I'll talk to you in the morning."

"Thank you for understanding."

She walked over and kissed him on the cheek.  "Goodnight, I love you."

"I love you too.  Goodnight." 

With that, she went up the stairs and crawled into bed, quickly falling asleep.

*~*~*~*~*

When Caroline awoke the next morning, Richard was nowhere to be found.  She sat up, looking around the room.  "Richard?"  No answer.  She got up and looked in the bathroom.  Not there.  She slowly walked down the stairs, still half-asleep.  "Richard?"  That's when she saw him, sprawled out on the couch with his glasses still on and paint splattered all over his clothes.  She smiled down at him from the stairs, approaching him slowly.  She leaned down and gently removed his glasses.

"Richard?"  she kissed him lightly, waking him up gently.  "Come on, honey.  Time to get up."  She kissed him again, kneeling down next to him.

He opened his eyes slowly and smiled upon seeing Caroline.  "What time is it?" he grumbled.

"Around 8.  We have to go to work."

"Ugh…."

"What time did you finish last night?"

"Around 4, 5 maybe.  I'm not real sure."  He sat up slowly, groggily.

"Why don't you stay home today?  Call in sick."

"No, I'm fine.  I'm not making you go in and work by yourself all day."

"I'll be fine, you need to get some sleep."

"How about this?  I promise that I'll stay in bed all day…but only if you join me."

"Richard," she smiled, exasperated, "One of us has to go in."

"Why?  We can just say that you're sick and have nothing for me to.  No one will ever know the truth."

"And the truth would be?"

"That I love you so much that I demanded that you stay in bed with me all day."

"Hmmm…I don't know…"

"Come on, please.  I just don't want to go in today.  I want to stay here with you.  I missed sleeping next to you last night."

He kissed her neck enticingly, "Richard…."

"Didn't you miss me?"

She smiled at his affection, "Of course I did."  She enjoyed his gentle kisses for a few moments before pulling away to make some coffee.  "Why didn't you come up anyways?"

He fell back against the pillows.  "I didn't want to wake you up, and by that time I was clumsy enough that I would have.  So," he said, not letting her avoid his question, "what do you say? Want to call in sick today?"

She smiled, returning to his side once the coffee got started.  She leaned in to place a gentle kiss on his lips.  "I suppose one day off couldn't hurt."  She kissed him again, rising up and sitting down on the couch next to him.  They soon increased the intensity, Richard pulling her into him.  She quickly laid down with him.  They were really getting into it when the door burst open.

"Hey Caroline, can I use some…."  Annie saw them, "Eww…gross."

Caroline blushed, "Hi Annie."  Richard sighed and turned into the pillows.

"Can I use some eggs?"

Richard turned back over.  "You know, you can go to the grocery store yourself…"

"Yeah, but I need them right now.  I promised to make Del breakfast."

Caroline got up and poured herself and Richard a cup of coffee.  "Go ahead.  While you're there, tell Del that Richard and I are taking the day off."

"Ok, thanks."  She grabbed the eggs out of the fridge and left, sticking her tongue out at Richard on the way out.

Caroline returned to his side, settling down on the hope chest across from him.  "Why don't you go upstairs and take a nap?"

Richard smiled.  "Sounds good."  He got up and started towards the stairs.

"You're going to need it…." She added coyly.  He smiled and climbed the stairs, while Caroline settled down at the desk to work on some strips, not wanting the day to be a total 'waste.'

*~*~*~*~*

Richard came down the stairs a few hours and a few panels later, wearing his usual black boxers and a gray t-shirt.  He walked over to the desk and gave Caroline a quick kiss before moving into the kitchen to make himself a cup of coffee.

Caroline put her pen down and joined in the kitchen.  "Now, I thought I told you to stay in bed…." She said as she wrapped her arms around his neck.

He gently rested his hands on her hips, leaning down to kiss her.  "I got lonely."

"Lonely, huh?"

"Yeah."

"Maybe I should join you then….."

"Yeah, but first," he pulled away, "I want to show you my painting."

"Oh…ok."

He walked over and pulled the sheet off his easel.  Caroline examined the canvas carefully.  He snuck up behind her, snaking hi arms around her waist.  "What do you think?" he whispered in her ear.

She took it in silently for a few moments.  She knew it was the best thing she had ever seen from him and hoped he saw that it was too.  "This is amazing, Richard."

"You really like it?"

"Oh my God!  Yeah!  Did you try something new?"

"Yeah, I took your advice."

"Wow!  This is the best I've ever seen from you."  She turned around in his arms and looked deep into his eyes, seeing the love and respect he had for her in them.

He slowly leaned down, gently brushing his lips against hers.  "Thanks."  He pulled her into a soft hug, feeling the love she had for him in her gentle embrace.  "What do you say we go up to bed."  He faked a yawn.  "I'm getting pretty tired," he grinned.

"Yeah, I like the way you think."

*~*~*~*~*

They spent the rest of the afternoon in bed, entangled in each other's arms, never wanting to let go.  Annie came bouncing in around 5 or 6 asking if they wanted to join her and Del for dinner.  Accepting her offer, they shooed her out of the apartment so that they could get ready.

"Want to help me take a shower?" Caroline asked, grinning slyly.

He grinned back, "I suppose I could help you out."

They took a long, hot shower together, gently washing and caressing each other.  Eventually, a reluctant Richard turned the shower off and they got ready to go.  They just went to Remo's, like every other time they went out, then went back to Caroline and Richard's apartment to relax.  Del tried to lecture them about blowing off work, but neither of them cared, they had enjoyed their day together too much to worry about work.  Eventually, Del and Annie left to go back to his place, leaving Caroline and Richard alone.  They snuggled up together on the couch, Richard reading while Caroline watched an old, soppy romance movie that was on TV.  When the movie was over, teary-eyed Caroline started to get up.  "Where are you going?" Richard asked, not wanting her to leave his side.

"Up to bed, you coming?"

Richard sighed, "Yeah, I guess so…" he said as he started to get up as well.

"You don't have to if you don't want to.  I am capable of going to bed…"

He brushed his fingers against her lips to stop her, "Are you going up to bed?"  She nodded.  "Then that's where I want to be."  He leaned down and kissed her gently.  "Come on, let's go."  He grabbed her head and she quietly led him up the stairs and into the bedroom.

*~*~*~*~*

The next day, they settled back into their routine:  waking up, getting ready for work, eating breakfast, going to work, eating lunch, going back to work, going home, painting and hanging with Annie, eating dinner, and relaxing for the night before going to bed. 

There was one difference though.  Instead of eating lunch with Caroline, Richard went around to several galleries, showing them his new painting, his new style.  Most of them were intrigued by his new work, but didn't have enough space for him at the moment.  They told him just to come back at a later date and they might be able display his work.  So they continued their daily routine, Richard trying new galleries every day and producing new work faster than he ever had before.  Eventually, an eccentric gallery took enough interest in his work to include him in a show of new artists.

Richard came into work that afternoon more excited than Caroline had ever seen him.  "Caroline!  You are never going to believe what happened to me at lunch."  He gave her a quick kiss while he took off his coat.  "I went to that new gallery over on 5^th Avenue?  Well, I showed her 'The Great Beginning' and she loved it.  She wants to see a few more of my pieces and is probably going to show some of my work at her next showing of new artists in a couple of weeks!"

He picked her up and spun her around the office, careful not to bump her into anything.  "She's showing my work!"

"Richard!"  He put her down and pulled her into a tight embrace.  "That is so great.  I'm so proud of you!"  He kissed her fully on the lips, drinking in all of her.  She kissed him back with equal passion, but soon became aware, however, of the fact that they were in her office and that it wasn't exactly…appropriate for her to be kissing him so deeply and she pulled away.  "Why don't we take the afternoon off to celebrate?"

He grinned down at her.  "I like the way you think."  He helped her with her coat, put his on, and grabbed her hand, lightly kissing her knuckles, and led her towards the elevator.

*~*~*~*~*

Richard and Caroline spent a very romantic afternoon together.  Richard took her out to a small, romantic restaurant for lunch, then took her on a walk in Central Park.  Afterwards, they took a carriage ride back through the park towards their apartment.  They ordered out Chinese for dinner and spent the rest of the night in each other's arms, making sweet, gentle love, each one of them letting the other know just how much them meant to one another.

*~*~*~*~*

Richard first woke up that morning around 5.  He looked down at Caroline snuggled in his arms and smiled.

**I love her so much.**  He gently kissed the top of her head.  **What is this feeling in the pit of my stomach?  Is it happiness?  I think it has to be…what else could it be?  But why?**

He looked down at Caroline again.  **Because of you.  You made me achieve my dream.  If it wasn't for you…you helped me take my art to a new level, you've loved me unconditionally, you're the reason for all the happiness I've ever known.  I love you.  I can't imagine my life without you in it.  Wait a minute…what am I saying?  I can't live without Caroline?  That's it.  I want to spend the rest of my life with her.**

He laid still, letting his epiphany sink in.  He knew that he wanted to propose, he wanted to marry her.  **But how?  When?  Our anniversary is only a month away…**  He fell back asleep with a gentle smile on his face.

*~*~*~*~*

Over the next 3 weeks, Richard worked feverishly on his painting and planning a very romantic anniversary for Caroline.  He wanted it to be the most romantic day she had ever experienced and was trying to think of anything and everything he could do to improve his plans.  **Let's see, I have dinner and dancing that evening, obviously.  But, what can I do during the day?  I could take her on a picnic, but  that's pretty cliché…I could take her to a movie, blah blah blah… I could…**  A smile came across his face as he had another epiphany.  **That will be perfect.**

Unbeknownst to Richard, Caroline was getting anxious about Richard.  She knew that she loved him and he loved her, but was that enough?  **I love him, but where are we headed?  I want a family, a future with him, but what does he want?  He's been getting distant again, always painting or running around like a crazy man.  Maybe it's because of the showing in two weeks, but still.  He's taking more and more time off and I'm getting backed up.  What am I going to do?**  She sighed and went over to Annie's to talk.

"Annie?  Are you there?"  She kept knocking on the door until Annie answered it.

"Hey Caroline…"

"Can I come in, I really need to talk…."

"Actually, Del and I are kind of in the middle of something."

"Oh."  She chuckled slightly to herself.  "Sorry, I'll talk to you later."

"It's ok, I'll come talk in a little bit."  She closed the door. 

Caroline walked back to her apartment.  Settling on the couch, she picked up a magazine off the coffee table, waiting for Richard to get home.  He had skipped work to go into the gallery and talk to Regina, the owner, again.

She was still looking at the magazine when he came in.  He saw her and smiled.  "Hi, honey."  He leaned down and kissed her quickly before going to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee.

"Hi."  Her voice let out a little of her anxiety.  She had really hoped that Annie would come over before he got home.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing.  Nothing's wrong.  Why would you think something is wrong?"

He hesitated, "I don't know…you seem a little upset."

"Oh…well, I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes!  I said I'm fine!" she yelled.

"Ok ok ok.  I'm sorry.  You're fine."

Caroline sighed.  "I'm sorry I snapped."  He walked over and joined her on the couch.  "I've just been stressed out.  You've been so busy with your painting, so I've had to color the strips myself and I've been thinking all these crazy thoughts.  I'm sorry."

"No, you're right.  I shouldn't be blowing off work so much.  I'm sorry I've been so busy.  I'll do better about actually going in with you."  He kissed her hand.  "I promise."

"No.  It's ok.  I understand that you've been busy, and everything."  She smiled up at him, "You're just lucky I love you."

"I know," he replied seriously.

"No, I mean, if I didn't, your ass would so be fired…."

He laughed and kissed her forehead, but soon got serious again.  "Ok , so what about those crazy thoughts you were talking about?"

She sighed, "I don't know."  Leaning back into the pillows of the couch, she continued, "I just feel like something is wrong with 'us'…"

Richard's breath caught in his throat.  **She's going to break up with me, oh my god, I can't breath.**

"…I mean, I never see you anymore, you've been so busy with more important things, and I don't know.  I just miss you."

"So, what are you saying?"

"I don't know.  I guess I just need to know where we're heading.  Are we heading for marriage or just waiting for something better to come along?  I need to…"  She was interrupted  by Richard's laughter.  "I'm glad you find this so funny."

"I'm sorry."  He tried to keep a straight face.  "It's not funny.  It's not funny."  He started laughing again.  "Ok, so maybe it's a little funny."

She smacked him upside the head.  "I'm pouring my heart to you and you're laughing at me?" she screamed as she continued her slapping attack.

"Ok, stop hitting me and I'll explain."  She backed off and he breathed a sigh of relief.  "Oh god, and I thought you were going to break up with me."  She gave him a questioning look.  "Ok, you'll realize why that was so funny.  There's a reason why I've been so busy the last couple of weeks."  She gave him and even more questioning look.  "Remember when I first talked to Regina and we took the rest of the day off?"  She nodded.  "Well, that night I had an epiphany."  He took her hands in his.  "I've always seen myself as this loner who didn't need anyone and would never need anyone, even when I was married to Julia.  But, with you…I don't know, I mean… I don't want that anymore.  Ever since I met you, you've been getting under my skin.  You were so captivating from the start and you drew me in immediately.  I don't know when it actually happened, but somehow you've made it absolutely impossible for me to live without you, and I realized it that night."

She smiled, tears clouding her eyes as he looked into them.  "I've known since that night that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you, and I wanted to propose, but I wanted it to be special.  So, I've been working for you, painting, and planning how I was going to propose…I guess I was so excited about it that I just didn't realize we weren't spending time together.  I'm so sorry."

"Don't' apologize.  I'm sorry for doubting you."  She started crying, not just crying…sobbing.

"Why are you crying?"  He wrapped her in his arms, rocking her back and forth slowly.

"I'm so sorry."

He laughed at her, "Why are you sorry?"

"You were planning this romantic day and I ruined it."  She got out in between heaves.

"It's not ruined, you don't know when I was going to do it…I still can…"

"Yeah, but I won't be surprised…"

"Yeah."  His face fell a little.  "But, you know what?  It doesn't matter how I say it, just that I feel that way.  So I guess there's only one thing left to say."  She looked up at him.  "Caroline," he got down on one knee and took her hand in his, "will you marry me?"

She smiled, not even bothering to wipe away the tears anymore.  "Yes.  Yes.  Of course I'll marry you."  He leaned in and kissed her, pulling her to him as tightly as possible.  Suddenly, the door burst open, revealing Annie dressed in her robe and fuzzy slippers.

"Ok, what did you want to talk about Caro…aww, man, don't you guys over stop?"

"Annie, go away!" Richard barked.

"Caroline said she needed to talk to me…" she shot back, defending herself.

"Annie, go away!" Caroline yelled at her.

"But you said you needed to talk!"

"I'll call you later, I promise, and trust me, it'll be worth the wait."  She grinned over at Richard.

"Ok.  I guess I'll talk to you later."  She left grumbling under her breath.

"Now," Caroline leaned up, brushing a light kiss against his lips, "where were we?"

"Hmmm," he pressed another quick kiss to her lips before lifting her from the couch and carrying her up the stairs, "I think we were right here…"  He kissed her again before kicking the door shut behind them.

*~*~*~*~*

Caroline bounded down the stairs a couple of hours later, the smile on her face refusing to leave.  She looked up the stairs at the sound of the starting shower, her smile growing bigger and bigger with every passing moment.  She picked up the phone and dialed Annie's number.  "Annie?  You can come over now…I'm sorry we kicked you out, but you'll understand when I talk to you….ok…coming over now?…ok…bye."

Thirty seconds later, Annie came bouncing into the room.  "Ok, so what was so important that you would interrupt me and Del and kick me out of here for?"

"Well, I was getting anxious because Richard wasn't spending a lot of time here, I thought he was going to break up with me."

"Ok…"

"But he came home today and read me like a book, like always, and could tell something was wrong.  So I asked him where we were going, like marriage or what and he started laughing…"

"Wait a minute, he was laughing?" she was amazed at how insensitive he could be.

Caroline chuckled at her response.  "Yeah, laughing."  Annie gave her and inquisitive look.  "Well, the reason he's been so busy lately is because he was planning a surprise for our anniversary.  He was going to propose."

"Aaaah!" Annie screamed, "Get out!"

"I'm out!"

"So what's the deal now?"

"Well, he decided that it didn't matter how he asked, just that he asked at all, so he proposed, here, tonight, right before you came in earlier."

"So you said 'yes'?"

"Of course I said yes."

"So you two are engaged?"

Caroline couldn't contain her grin.  "Yeah, yeah we are."

Just then, Richard came downstairs wrapped in a towel.  "Honey, have you seen my…" he paused when he saw Annie and smiled at Caroline.  "Couldn't wait to tell her, huh?"

"Nope."  She smiled back.

"Have you seen my painting shirt?"

"Yeah, it's over there by the window, next to the stereo." She said as she motioned over toward the windows.  He went over and started looking for it.

"So, Richie, gonna' tie the knot, eh?"

"Yes, Annie.  Caroline and I are getting married."

"So I'm going to see you, like every morning from now on?"

"Unfortunately, yes you are." He replied, still looking for his shirt.

She stuck her tongue out at him.  "Ok, well congratulations, you guys.  I'm going to go wake Del up and tell him the good news.  Bye."

"Bye, Annie." Caroline responded.

"Here it is."  Richard found his shirt and ran up the stairs.  He came down the stairs a few minutes later, wearing his typical painting clothes.  "Honey, do you mind if I paint for a little while?" he asked as he approached her in the kitchen, giving her a quick peck on the cheek.

"No, of course not.  But, I'm sleepy so I'm going up to bed.  I'll see you in the morning.  Goodnight."

"Goodnight.  I love you."

She smiled.  "I love you too." She said as she climbed the stairs.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Caroline and Richard spent the next few weeks planning a small, intimate wedding.  Caroline convinced him to have it in a chapel by keeping it to only a few close friends.  They planned it for 2 months after he proposed.  Del and Annie acted as best man and maid-of-honor, respectively.  The only other people there were Caroline's parents, Angie, Remo, Charlie, Richard's father, and Regina.  Richard's mother was invited, but chose not to come, not to the surprise of anyone else in attendance, least of all Richard.  It was a small ceremony, but it was perfect for them.  Afterwards, Remo closed the restaurant for the afternoon and threw them a reception. 

Del clinked on his glass with his spoon, signaling that he wanted to make a toast.  "Can I have everyone's attention please?  I'd like to make a toast."  Everyone stopped talking and focused on Del.  "Ok, I'm not real good at this kind of stuff, so just bare with me here.  Richard and Caroline, words can't begin to say how happy I am for the two you.  I've been watching you guys for four years now, and I can honestly say that I've never seen two people who were more in love than you two.  I know Caroline and I have had a pretty extensive past, but I can honestly say that I wouldn't have her marry anyone else.  Congratulations, you two.  I know you'll be very happy together.  To Richard and Caroline!"

Everyone raised their glasses in response, "To Richard and Caroline!"

Richard looked over at Caroline and smiled, grasping her left hand and slowly and leaning down to kiss the new ring that graced her finger.  She smiled right back at him, running her right through his soft hair.  The both mouthed 'I love you' at the same time, with tears rolling down their cheeks.  He pulled her out of her chair and out onto the dance floor.  The held each other close, letting their nuptials sink in.

"We did it, Caroline.  We actually got married."

"I know."  Tears rolled silently down her cheeks.

"Why are you crying?" he chuckled.

"I'm just so happy."  She laughed back.  "I love you so much and I'm just so glad we finally did it."

He smiled down at her before pressing a gentle kiss to her lips.  "Me too."

Remo's stayed closed for the next several hours.  The small group celebrated well into the night, until Richard and Caroline decided that they want to go home and…have a private party to celebrate, just the two of them.  They said their thank you's and goodbye's and went to her apartment to spend some time together and pack for their honeymoon in Greece.

*~*~*~*~*

The first year of their marriage was wonderful.  Caroline petitioned GMD to work at home.  It took a couple of months of arguing, but she convinced the company that she was her funniest and most creative in the loft.  It worked out really well.  They would work on the strip during the day, but Richard could take breaks and paint when he wanted while Caroline would work.  Pretty soon, Annie and Del decided to move in together and found an apartment in Richard and Caroline's building, but not right across the hall, a couple of floors up.  That worked well too.  They were close enough for visits and schmoozing, but the 'interruptions' were kept to the bare minimum.  It was bliss for both couples, none of them could remember being happier.

"Caroline!  Oh my God, Caroline!"  Annie was screaming as she burst through the door.

Caroline came walking down the stairs in her pajamas.  "Hey, Annie.  What's up?"

"Ok, so last night, Del took me out to the Rainbow Room for our anniversary and it was so romantic.  Then, when we came home, the apartment was full of balloons.  So I was like, 'Del, what's going on?' and he was like, 'Your present is in one of the balloons, you have to pop them to find it.'  So I popped them all and this is what I found inside."  She thrust her left hand in Caroline's face.

"Oh my god, Annie!  Is that what I think it is?"

"Yeah!  I'm getting married!"

"Get out!"

"I'm out!"

Just then, Richard came down the stairs in his pajama bottoms and bathrobe, looking groggy and annoyed at being woken up.  "What is with all the screaming?"

"Richard, Annie and Del are getting married!"

"So you said 'yes'?"

"Yeah, did you know he was going to ask me?"

Richard nodded, receiving a playful slap from Caroline.  "You knew and you didn't tell me?"

He wrapped his arms carefully around her waist.  "Del asked me not to tell…" he said, kissing her neck from behind.  He looked up at Annie.  "So, Del finally made a respectable woman out of you, huh?"

"Not even you can ruin this day for me.  I'm getting married!"

Just then, Del followed her in, "Yes, you are." He said, putting his arm around her shoulder.  "Thanks for all your help last night, Richard."

"No problem, just remember this next time you try to make me play any kind of game or want to talk about your, ugh, wife."

"Wife," Del said, looking down at Annie, "I like the sound of that."

She smiled up at him, "Me too."

Richard gave an exasperated sigh, "Honey," he said, looking down at Caroline, "why don't we go upstairs and get dressed so Annie and Del can enjoy this moment alone?"

"Yeah, that's probably a good idea.  Congratulations, guys!"  She walked over and gave both Annie and Del a hug.

"Thanks, we'll see you two later."  They left the loft smiling and holding hands like two junior high kids going to their first dance.

*~*~*~*~*

Annie and Del's wedding was much different from Caroline and Richard's.  They both wanted a big ceremony in a completely decked out church followed by a big reception with a lot of alcohol.  Caroline acted as matron of honor and, much to Richard's surprise, Del asked him to act as his best man.  They had two bridesmaids, Donna and Jeannie, and two ushers, Charlie and Pete. 

After the ceremony, they went to a big reception hall to celebrate.  Eventually, a reluctant Richard rang his cup with his fork to make a toast.  "Ok, anyone who knows me knows how bad I am at this, so please, don't laugh until I leave."  He got a slight chuckle from the audience.  "I've had the pleasure of watching what has blossomed between Annie and Del since the beginning.  It's actually kind of funny.  These two have spent the last couple of years poking fun at each other, no one would have ever thought that it would have ended up in love, but it did, and I couldn't be happier for them.  Despite the numerous curses I've put on Annie," he got another slight chuckle from the crowd, "I wish nothing but the utmost happiness for you both.  To Annie and Del!"

Everyone raised their glasses, "To Annie and Del!"

After they drank their toast, everyone mingled around a bit before it was time for the first dance between the bride and the groom.  Del slowly pulled Annie to the floor into a slow dance to "Always" by Bon Jovi.  The song after that, they were joined by the wedding party.  Jeannie drew Charlie, while Pete danced with Donna.  Richard pulled Caroline close. 

"That was a beautiful toast, Richard."

"Yeah, well that's my nice thing to them for a few months."

She laughed and rested her head on his chest.  They danced close for a little while, in silence, just enjoying each other's company.  "It was a beautiful wedding, wasn't it?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"You didn't think it was beautiful….with all the flowers and the church and reception?"

"Yes, it was beautiful, but…."

She pulled away lightly, a concerned look on her face, "But what?"

"Well, are you upset that we didn't have a big wedding like this?"

"No, of course not.  I'm actually kind of glad we didn't."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I mean…our wedding was so much more personal.  I don't care about the size or the amount of people that were there, you were there, our closest friends and family were there, that's all that counts."

He smiled down at her.  "I love you."

"I love you too."

They spent the rest of the evening in the same fashion.  Annie and Del mingled with their numerous guests, while Richard and Caroline held each other close and danced all night.  Eventually, Annie and Del decided to go home and get some rest for two weeks on a Hawaiian honeymoon.

*~*~*~*~*

Caroline pulled her keys out of her handbag and started to unlock the door.  She soon found it difficult, though, when Richard's arms snuck around her waist and he started slowly kissing her neck from behind.  It took her a few moments of fumbling, but she finally got the door open and turned around in his arms, gazing into his eyes.  Grabbing him by the lapels of his tux, she yanked him inside and kissed him with all the passion she felt for him, pulling him tightly to her.

He returned her kiss, rivaling her passion with his and kicking the door shut, not daring to break the contact.  They made their way to the stairs, pausing at the bottom.

Richard pulled away and leaned into her neck, his fingers fumbling with the zipper of her burgundy, matron of honor dress.  "God, you're so beautiful.  I've wanted to take this dress off of you all day."  He whispered as kissed the hollow of her neck.

She moaned in response, pushing his tux jacket off his shoulders.  "I'll race you upstairs." She joked and ran up the stairs with Richard in close pursuit.

*~*~*~*~*

It was month and half later when a panicked Caroline called Annie over to their apartment.  Annie opened the door roughly, slamming it against the wall.  "Caroline!" she yelled, searching the apartment furiously and interrupting Richard who was painting by the window.  "Caroline!  Caroline!"

"Annie!"

"What?!"

"I'm in the middle of something here!"

"Where's Caroline?"

"She's upstairs, now be quiet!"

"What, like quiet will make your paintings not ugly?" she asked, getting up the stairs and into the bedroom before Richard had a chance to answer.  "Ok, Caroline, what's the big emergency?"

"Um, ok…I'm late."

"Late as in….oh," she said, finally understanding, "Laaaate."

"Yeah, and I don't know what to do."

"Have you taken a test?"

"I don't know how to, not without Richard finding out.  Oh my god, he's going to freak out about this."

"Ok. Ok. Ok.  First off, you have to calm down."  Caroline took a few deep breaths.  "Ok, good.  Now, you have two choices.  You can either take a test now or talk to Richard first."

"What do you think I should do?"

"Me?"

"Yeah."

"Well, how late are you?"

"Um, about…I don't know…maybe 2 or 3 weeks."

"I think I'd talk to Richard.  He'll understand, he loves you."

"I know but he doesn't want kids…"

"Have you two ever talked about it?"

"Well, no, but before we got together, he told me he never wanted to have kids."

"That was, like, what?  3…4 years ago?"

"Well, yeah…" she was too caught up in thought to finish.

"Trust me, you need to talk to him.  He'll understand." 

"Yeah, thanks Annie."  They made their way to the door.

"You're welcome, hon." She answered as they descended the stairs.  Annie made her way out the door.  "Bye Caroline, bye monochrome."

"Don't let the door hit you in the cellulite on the way out." Richard retorted just as the door shut.  "So what's up with the carrier monkey?"

"Richard!" Caroline said, half laughing, half exasperated, "She was just giving me some advice."

"About what?"

"For something…" he looked at her expectantly, "…ok, maybe you should sit down for this."  She grabbed his hands and led him to the couch.  "Richard…God, I don't know how to say this, um…."

Richard was starting to get worried, "Honey, just tell me.  It can't be that bad."

"I'm late." She burst out quickly.

"Late for what?"

"No….laaate," she said, motioning with her hands trying to get her point across.

"Late?"  Suddenly it dawned on him.  "Oh…laaaate."

"Yes."  She sat, perplexed about what was going through his head.  He wasn't saying anything and it made her nervous.  "I don't know what it means, 'cause I didn't take a test or anything, but I'm late."

"Wow."  He diverted his eyes, making it impossible for her to read him.

"So, what do you think?"

"Well, let's go get a test and we can figure it out from there."

Tears started to cloud her eyes.  "I'm sorry."

"Sorry?  Sorry for what?" he asked, a hint of amusement in his voice.  He pulled her into his strong embrace.

"I know you don't want kids, at least not now."  She started crying full-fledged tears.

"When did I say that?"

"Didn't you?"

"No."

"Oh…so you want kids?"

"I don't know.  I haven't really thought about it."

"Oh."  Her face and voice fell.

"Let's just go get a test and go from there."

"Yeah.  You're right."  He pulled her up off the couch and helped her with her coat.  Grabbing her hand, he led her out the door.

*~*~*~*~*

It was 20 minutes later when they returned.  Caroline ran immediately to the bathroom to take the test.  They sat on the couch silently, holding hands and waiting for the buzzer.  They both jumped when it went off, breaking their silent trance.  It was a race to the bathroom to see the results and Caroline won.

"It's pink." She said, handing it to him.

"It's pink."  He repeated.  He looked into her eyes, "You're pregnant."

"I'm pregnant."  She met his gaze.

A smile erupted on his face as he reached out and pulled her into a hug.  "Wow, we're going to be parents!"

"You're ok with this?"

"Ok?  I'm better than ok…I'm ecstatic!"

"But I thought having a child was just a 'big ego trip'…"

"I used to think that, but when I got that letter from Julia, I don't know…I mean, I was so upset that I didn't get to meet my son, I wanted to take care of him."  He chuckled, "I think the only good thing that came out of that situation is that it made me realize how much I actually wanted to have kids," he looked directly in her eyes, "especially if their yours."

"Oh, Richard!"  She pulled him to her even tighter.

"What about you, Caroline?  Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm great.  I love you so much!"

"I love you too."  He leaned in and kissed her softly on her lips.  "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For carrying my child, for being my best friend, and for loving me…."

*~*~*~*~*

Eight months later, Holden Phineas Karinsky was born, a week early.  In the hospital room, Caroline was laying asleep in the bed while Holden was asleep in a glass crib next to her.  Richard walked in with a bouquet of roses.  He stopped when he saw his new family asleep in the room.  Smiling, he went over to pick up his son.  "Hi there, Holden." He whispered.  "I'm your daddy."  He kissed the sleeping baby on the forehead.

Caroline stirred.  She woke up and saw her husband pacing around the room with their son sleeping in his arms.  "Hey you."

He looked over at her,  "Hey."

She moved over and patted the bed next to her, motioning form him to sit.  Gently handing the baby over to her, he joined her on the bed, slipping his arm around her shoulder.  They both watched their sleeping son for a few minutes.  Eventually, Caroline looked up into her husband's eyes.  "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For our son…for loving me…" a tear ran down her cheek, "…for my life."

He leaned down and kissed her.  "I love you."

"I love you too."

THE END