A/N: I thought of this at random and, just for fun, asked Mr. Goldmark if he approved of the concept of Some Jerk going insane and destroying theme parks. Astonishingly, he replied and said, "Go nuts." I believe that I can safely say that I've gone nuts with this story. I really had a fun time with using IMDB to find out more about the Some Jerk With Camera series and multiple sources to learn about the theme parks. I've done my best to be accurate to everyone and if I haven't, that's entirely my fault. I enjoy writing weird jokes and doing research. Read and review, if you please. Have an excellent day!
Some Jerk With A Camera Goes Crazy And Stuff
by MiscellaneousSoup
Some Jerk With A Camera stood outside California Adventure's Monsters, Inc. exhibit, grumbling to himself and scaring the other patrons. "What? There's no bed? Come on, that's a classic scene from the movie! What, did you just not want to make boatloads of money? That's like making an exhibit about A Bug's Life and taking out the flying or making something based on Toy Story and not include Sid getting PTSD? You know what, I'm finding a different spot to take a nap!"
Fuming, he hurled the camera at a random passerby's head and left. "Maybe I'll just review something else!"
…
Now, you may be confused as to what's going on. Fortunately, your favorite interactive narrator, Dialogue McGee, is here to help you. Some Jerk With A Camera, or SJWAC, as brevity is important in this medium, returned to Disney's California Adventure for a special review of the Pixar rides. (Hey, it's better than enduring any of the Nickelodeon rides elsewhere.)
Unfortunately, he's had to deal with Cars Land, an incredibly large amount of children singing "Let It Go", and various other Channel Awesome members stalking him for potential crossovers. ("NO!" SJWAC stabbed Count Jackula in the heart with a sharp popcorn bucket. "We are not reviewing Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day!" Jackula groaned and made a rude gesture, before stumbling away.)
Basically, he was sick and tired of the crowds and wanted to find a comfy resting area. By his logic, so many random other tangents kept interrupting his reviews, so didn't he deserve some r and r? By that, of course, he meant 'raccoons and refrigerators', but rest and relaxation would have to do.
The Monsters, Inc. fiasco was the last straw for him. If the audience wanted a review, they would have to force him to make one. And they would. Oh, yes, they would.
…
"Hey, you." Jim poked the sleeping audience member. He hated this part of the job. It was so frustrating to clean up the dark rides, help customers with their seats, and get everyone to shut up. He poked the member again, eliciting a series of grunts and moans.
Jim sighed and picked up his walkie-talkie. "Okay, man, I guess the Disney police will have to take care of this one. Hey, we've got a sleeper in the Radiator Springs ride."
Immediately, two uniformed officers appeared, wielding a water hose the size of a whale. No, really. They had always worked with a good-sized budget for their duties, but the success of Frozen meant that they could have nearly-lethal weapons. With barely a sign of exertion, they lifted it up and sprayed SJWAC.
SJWAC woke up, spluttering and gasping. "God, no, It's A Small World! I thought I destroyed you. Don't make me use my whistle!" He blinked and shook the water out of his hair. "Oh, hi."
Sternly, the officers pointed to the nearest "EXIT" sign.
"What? Come on, I was just taking a nap! Don't you know anything about the freedom of sleep? It's in the Bill Of Rights, right next to the right to wear farms. I'm wearing one right now." Sure enough, the Jerk peeled off his shoe just enough to reveal that his right sock was decorated with barns, cows, chickens, and goats. "See? There used to be a bunch of eggs, but I got hungry. Boy, those baby chickens were delicious!"
Five minutes later, the guards had tossed him outside, sending him right into a patch of brambles. Jerk got up and brushed the thorns away, trying to avoid getting hurt in the process. "Well, fine! If you don't want to hear my charming stream-of-consciousness ramblings, then I'll never mention you again! Now where did I park my car?" He sat down on a nearby bench.
…
After five hours of searching, Some Jerk had finally found his car. After that, he had a fairly decent breakfast at Arby's. Well, sort of a decent breakfast. He only felt nauseous eleven times and vomited twice, so that counted. Now he was in a nearby park, scanning the Internet for new reviewing material. "Planes? No, I'll leave that for Diamanda Hagan to review. Heh, I love . Million Dollar Arm? No, Iannone and I are going to tackle that sometime next year. Bears? No, that's a documentary...HEY!" SJWAC snapped his fingers in excitement, then winced.
Stretching, he started to rationalize the idea. "Bears! It hearkens back to my first review, The Country Bears, which was based on a ride! I should review another film based on a ride! Let's see, there's something called Tomorrowland coming out, very loosely based on the park. The writers are Brad Bird and Damon Lindelof. Sounds great! I can make a positive review."
Then he scrolled down, shattering his good mood. "Wait...wait...they filmed in It's A Small World? No! They'll give the audience an aneurysm! You can always see the stench of that ride! There's a character called Ursula? How unsubtle can you get? Is the hero going to be called Walt?" He scanned the casting list. "Keegan-Michael Key? Come on! If any Internet comedian should be part of a major motion picture about Disney, it should be me! Who went through all of the 'ABC Visits Disney' specials? ME! Who got stalked by Chris Hansen? ME! Who saw the monstrous CGI in The Country Bears and Yogi Bear?!"
The Nostalgia Critic appeared out of nowhere, waving a pistol around. "Listen, Jerk, we're going to review the Yogi Bear movie together or else!" Almost instantly, he was tackled by a group of police officers and dragged back to Chicago.
Jerk wasn't even fazed by that. Weird things happened all the time. "Key has only been in a massively popular sketch series and television show!`That's it, I've been working my butt off for years! I haven't got anything to show for it, besides a wonderful comedy career, an album, a popular web series, having two appearances by Weird Al in my videos, and many treasured friends in the reviewing community! All right. Enough is enough. This is the final, the - the very, very last straw!"
Giggling like some maniacal villain, Tony got in his car and ran off.
…
Walt Disney World, Tomorrowland Division…
An unshaven man with dark hair and a mustache walked up, wearing janitorial gear. He spoke in a very bad Italian accent. "Hey, yo, I'm Antonio Jerke, I'm just a normal janitor here, nothing suspicious at all. My last name has an 'e', making it sound like 'jerky', not like Jerk. Why would you even think that?"
The guard glowered at him, but grudgingly opened the door.
Immediately after that, SJWAC walked up. "Hey, dude, I need to get in. My arms are getting tired."
The guard laughed. "You're carrying a flamethrower, nine throwing stars, several protest signs, and a statue of Mickey Mouse getting slapped by what appears to be a butt."
Some Jerk nodded. "Yes. It's from my rejected screenplay, The Day Everyone's Buttocks Went To Disneyland And Killed Mickey Mouse, aka Et Poo, Mickey. It's a dramatic action-comedy historical period piece, set in vintage Italy, 1944, but with many elements from Greek and Roman culture."
The guard kept laughing. "Aw, man, this is great. You're a cut-up, but I can't let you in."
SJWAC sighed. "Okay, then. I'm just going to have to call in reinforcements. JOIK MALONEY AND THE JERKITY-JERK INVADERS, ASSEMBLE!"
The resurrected corpse of Joik Mahoney, the Wire, Spazzmaster, Conspiracy Guy, The All-Being, Michael Eisner, and Weird Al Yankovic all ran up, wielding various medieval weapons. Well, almost all of them. For some reason, Conspiracy Guy had a rubber ducky and Michael Eisner was sitting in a bathtub full of money. Someone had attached wheels to the bottom.
While the furious battle between the guards and Jerk's crew raged, SJWAC himself snuck away to wreak some sweet, sweet havoc.
"ToonTown?" CRUNCH. "I'm going to be your judge, jury, and Doom-cutioner!"
"Disney's Blizzard Beach?" Zzzzzzzzorp! "Here's a blizzard of flame! See how you like exploring the beach when the sand's turned to glass!"
"ESPN Wide World Of Sports?" Boff! "Uh, screw the comedy rule of threes! It'll be easier to do this in song! 'Under The Sea' parody in three, two, one!"
The fame is always greater in someone else's show
I dream about being more famous, but I'm not a Van Gogh!
The mistakes me want to spew, it's such a massive bore!
It's like they're making a zoo, what else could they do?
Acknowledge me, acknowledge me!
The rides will get better, I'll even wear a sweater, just acknowledge me!
Up in the studios where they eat at buffets
Out with the corporation, stealing away
While I'm complainin'
It gets draining'
Acknowledge me!
I want to make things less crappy
Have the parks stink less than a toilet bowl!
Not boring, but not sappy.
Please, it'll help my soul!
As for new talent, I'm plucky,
clever, and funny- at any rate!
One day when the boss gets angry
Guess who's on the firing freight?
Acknowledge me, acknowledge me,
Don't raise a fuss!
Just, please, won't you acknowledge me?
Some Jerk With A Camera set down his blood-soaked baseball bat. "I think I've made my point." He stared at the ruined buildings and horrifically beaten mascots. His friends were unharmed, well, for the most part. Zombie Joik Mahoney had eaten half of Michael Eisner's leg and Conspiracy Guy was ineffectually beating him with the rubber duck to get him to stop. Astonishingly, none of the innocent visitors were harmed.
SJWAC sat on the ground, wondering what was going to happen next. "This seems oddly anti-climactic. I sang a terrible improvised song parody, reduced rides to rust and rubble, beat up a lot of workers, and read through this alliterative dictionary. For some reason, I'm still mad. Come on, Disney, hit me with your best shot! Michael can throw his pet cat at the enemies! Wire and Spazz can bore them to death!"
"Hey!" Wire and Spazz were offended. Michael merely stroked his pet cat and sniffed his money like it was a fine piece of chocolate.
Some Jerk shrugged. "Okay, then. Nothing else is going to happen. Well, it's been fun, I'm going to go find Count Jackula. I get no comeuppance, woo!"
At that moment, the insanely predictable comeuppance happened as millions of people wearing Mickey Mouse ears began swarming Some Jerk. One of them threw a piece of paper at him. "Hey, Jerk! We want our reviews!"
The crowd grew ever larger and chanted. "Review! Review! Review! Review! Review!"
Before they could converge upon the Jerk, he came up with a plan. "Listen, listen...Did you see everything that I just did? Raging, destroying a beloved park, and singing? It's all a homage to my epic review of It's A Small World After All! No reason to harm me!"
The crowd drew back slightly and considered this new piece of information. After approximately five minutes of deliberation, the fan who had previously thrown a piece of paper walked up. "I am Jerky McNitJerk, and I decree that you must face a grievous punishment for not doing something that you said you would. You must always get your content out on time, regardless of any person factors- ACK!" Zombie Joik Mahoney had not-so-accidentally feasted on his jugular.
Some Jerk scoffed. "Ha! You're just a badly-written ripoff of Douchey McNitpick, from the Nostalgia Critic's show! I'll never face any kind of punishment."
Michael Eisner stepped up. "Not so fast, Jerk."
Some Jerk shook his head. "You know what, I should have seen this coming. And I probably know why you did it. If this was a video, I would insert the clip from The Spongebob Squarepants Movie of Mr. Krabs saying, 'Money.'"
As soon as he mentioned the movie, a hologram of MikeJ appeared. "Hello, Some Jerk With A Camera. In case reviewing those dreadful sitcoms gave you amnesia, I'm a British person. As I review sequels and you review theme parks, we should review The Spongebob Squarepants Movie 2: Fish Out Of Water together. You can ramble about the rides based on the franchise."
Some Jerk gasped. "You mean the one with the CGI superheroes and the poster that parodied Fifty Shades Of Grey?"
MikeJ smiled devilishly. "Indeed, Jerk, indeed."
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Some Jerk With A Camera and MikeJ would go on to review the sequel and attempt to kill each other many, many times.
The Nostalgia Critic would make it back to Chicago, but not before seeing the trailer for the Peanuts movie and bursting into tears.
Michael Eisner and Scrooge McDuck would later team up to make the hit satirical song "I'm Scrooge McDuck And I'm Richer Than You."
Antonio Jerke would go on to make a hit web series about being a stereotypical Italian park worker. It would be picked up by Fox for five minutes, then it was cancelled.
Zombie Joik Mahoney would form a boy band with Jerky McNitJerk.
The Wire and Spazzmaster would abandon Some Jerk With A Camera to go to various parks around the world...again.
The All-Being and Weird Al Yankovic would have a party.
Conspiracy Guy would make a best-selling novel about the whole affair called The Seven Habits Of A Highly Successful Recurring Character.
Count Jackula would start uncontrollably crying whenever he smelled raspberry-flavored fruit punch. No one knew why. Maybe he really didn't like raspberries or fruit punch.
THE END