Desperation is the unaccompanied and singular word that plants itself in my mind: Desperate to be noticed; desperate to be recognized; desperate to leave the fringes of life and become as one with the crowd. For a few minutes I had felt like I had finally caught up with what had once felt like a dream… If only I had known it was nothing short of a nightmare that would plague me for the rest of my given days.
Fragments of memories flash briefly and sequentially in my mind constantly reminding me of my mistake, my nightmare.
The first memory began when Jamie- my little sister- and I stood outside our house on that stormy, bitter day. The sky had finally opened its illiberal mouth and after what felt like years, poured water like that of an untrained beast, sweeping away all that was familiar to me. We were carefully observing a butterfly struggling to escape the haughty and unforgiving drops of rain. As I looked at the petite, drenched butterfly- its white wings radiating pure innocence and fragility- my eyes began to focus on the window behind it and onto our reflection. I frowned; there was a stranger standing a couple of feet behind Jamie and me. I swivelled my body and saw a girl- not older than I- gaze back at me thoughtfully. She stood in front of the dull light given off by the partially hidden sun. It provided a distorted halo around her head; she couldn't have looked more like an angel. Firmly grasped in her hand was an umbrella not unlike mine and as she took a few steps closer, I couldn't help but notice that this girl- this stranger- was everything that I had ever wanted to be.
She was beautiful; her dark red hair and porcelain skin a stark contrast to my dull, brown hair and pale features. Her eyes flashed dangerously, reminding me of a snake in its final moments before striking. She slowly walked towards me and I instinctively walked back. She paused, and then threw her head back and laughed. The storm- as if triggered by her laugh- slowly ceased and the rain stopped, leaving an uncanny, hollow hush in its absence.
She raised her eyes towards the sky, "Funny things they are- Dreams… what if I told you that I could make yours come true?"
I snickered. "What do you know about my dreams?"
"… I may not know all of them; however, I do know that you want to be,' she paused for effect and then looked me in the eye, '… … noticed?"
I hesitated, "How did you know that…?"
The green flame that was her eyes fleetingly blazed once more, "Never mind how I know it, puppet, I can make you famous! Everyone in this town will be craving for your attention! Isn't that what you want?"
I glanced down at my hands and realised that they were trembling slightly. I didn't know this stranger… She could've been lying through her teeth for all I knew, yet, she was offering me something that I wanted so badly… something I needed to have.
"You say you can make me famous?"
She grinned, "Darling, you'll be the talk of the town."
I clenched my fists tightly, threw caution to the wind, and then stepped closer, "Fine… show me how."
The next memory that comes into mind is when Coralee, her name turned out to be, took me to a night club for my first time. We stood outside the door, and Coralee gestured for me to go in. I swallowed, my hands trembling slightly. I was terrified, yet somewhere underneath all my prudishness I felt a tiny bubble of anticipation and excitement- for once in my life I was doing something no one would expect me to do. As we stepped in, the bright lights in unnatural colours blinded me and I couldn't see clearly for a minute or so. I was grateful for Coralee's hand guiding me to the bar where she called out to the bartender. I shook her hand, "I don't drink!" I called out to her above the noise. Coralee didn't say anything for a moment, and I began to think that she hadn't heard me, when she turned and placed three shot glasses in front of me and smiled, "Drink!" She shouted. I glanced down at the amber liquid swirling in the tiny glasses, and with sweaty, trembling hands I picked one up and poured it into my mouth. I immediately started coughing as the liquid slid down, engraving its name upon my throat. Coralee laughed, and nudged the other two in my direction, "You'll get used to it, darling!"
I managed a watery smile, and quickly downed the other two glasses. By that time, my mind was fuzzy and my grasp on logicality seemed to loosen significantly.
Three more shots later, I found myself on a table dancing wildly and without inhibitions. I laughed uncontrollably and drank the sound of people screaming my name and whistling in a futile attempt to satisfy my insatiable thirst for attention. I stared at the lights in complete and utter bliss and felt myself fall in a downward spiral, the lights blinding me from reality and I collapsed on the table- still laughing, for no apparent reason.
And that's how the days went by: Coralee and I, going to underground clubs, night clubs – all sorts of clubs. Whenever doubt crept in; Coralee would merely push them away with a few convincing words and truth be told, I didn't mind- my fame was reaching epidemic proportions.
Then came that dreadful day; honestly, it started of perfect-which should've been my first clue: the calm before the storm. I had planned to meet with Coralee and a couple of my newly found friends and we were to go to a Bar. As I was leaving, Jamie came running up to me, "Leah, where are you going?"
I paused, my hand on the doorknob, and sighed loudly, "Somewhere with my friends, Jamie."
"I don't think you should go, they don't seem very nice…"
My grip tightened on the door knob, "Jamie, I'm old enough to know who aren't and are nice."
"Please Leah, I don't want you to go!"
That was how it was most days; I would get ready to leave with Coralee and Jamie would plead for me to stay back. I ignored her pleas every time.
When we reached the bar, the bu_ asked for our ID's and like Coralee- and I- always did, we flashed a smile with heavy lidded eyes, and just like that he was putty in our hands. I felt something light rest on my shoulder and noticed that there was a butterfly; its sooty black wings practically camouflaged in the dark alley. I frowned; there was something about this black butterfly that seemed eerily familiar and I shrugged it off. Coralee grabbed my elbow, "Go inside puppet! They're all waiting for you!"
I was about to take a step into the bar and greet my fans when i heard a distinct voice call out to me from across the crowd.
"Leah!"
I whirled around, and saw Jamie running across the road, her hand waving at me frantically. A sudden dread took root and spread through me with cold speed. Panic bloomed through my body like a cancer and I didn't even have a second to tell her to stop before I saw her get hit by a car and fly through the air like a weak leaf in a gust of wind.
Everything went in slow motion then- a contrast to my chaotic and adrenaline filled life just minutes before. I ran- practically flew- towards Jamie's limp body; a crimson river making a halo around her battered and bruised face. I knelt before her; too scared to touch yet unwilling to just watch. I vaguely heard myself screaming for help, and people standing around me, their hands covering their mouths and eyes wide open as they took in the gruesome site.
I saw Jamie stir and I quickly brought my face close to hers. "Leah?" she managed to whisper,
"Jamie… Jamie, I'm here…" My tears were a tide; a rip current that I had to resist simply because they blurred the vision of my sister in front of me. I could never afford to lose sight of her again. "What are you doing here Jamie?" I managed to voice out.
Jamie's eyes closed, and I started to panic once again. She opened her mouth- yet nothing came out. Finally, I heard her murmur weakly, "I just wanted… to make sure… nothing happened… to…" She paused and as I grasped her small, limp hands in mine, feeling the pulse- that was once so vibrant and alive- fade away like a dream come morning, it dawned on me why she had come. She had come to make sure I was safe, that even after all these weeks of ignoring her and barely coming home because I was too busy getting drunk in a bar, she had still wanted to keep me safe, and it was her loyalty and love for me that finally brought upon her demise.
I heard the ambulance arrive, and I felt someone try and pull me away from Jamie. I tried to wrench my arms away from them, but they persisted in dragging me away from the sight of my sister slowly being covered with a white sheet. I saw Coralee in the distance, partially hidden by the crowd that surrounded my sister. I cried out to her and she glanced at me; the snake in her eyes cold and distant. She turned and began to walk away, oblivious- or purposely ignoring- my cries to her and I squeezed my eyes shut to resist the flow of tears that were threatening to flood from my eyes. Then finally the rains fell, simultaneous with my tears, and when I opened my eyes, Coralee had gone.