Insert Batpig Here
A/N (from Kawaii Li'l Lia as opposed to Boss Reo): Before I begin, let me stress the fact that half of this belongs to The Infamous Boss Reo who helped me come up with a plot, I just posted it. Thanks a hell of a lot, Reo.
"Wizardmon, you're supposed to be half dead and very gullible right now! Be half dead and gullible!"
Right now Biyomon is trying to convince Wizardmon, who's only half dead today, to help her interview possible date candidates for Patamon. They're sick of watching him flirt with groceries.
"Half of the food we eat he's made out with! Don't you want to stop that?"
For someone dazed and confused and half dead, Wizardmon ran pretty fast to that Batpigmobile.
"Let's go!"
Meanwhile, Patamon was…
~*~
"You know, I saw you across the floor and couldn't stop thinking about you," Patamon said, scooting a little closer to the sectionalized deceased swine. "Actually, is it just me, or is it a little cold in here?" he asked, then just shrugged and returned his attention to the glazed ham. He wore a silk robe and a little fez hat as he held his martini glass, trying to look impressive, sexy, important, I dunno, some crap like that.
"Stop! Thief!" the zit-cursed grocery-boy yelled.
"Never, I love her!" Patamon shrieked. Suddenly he ran into Phantomon, who happened to be in the grocery store at that time, seeking his favorite brand-name cereal.
"Why don't YOU watch where you're going?!" he snapped. "Wait a minute…" he looked around frantically.
"Gladice? GLADICE?!" he turned around to see the grocery boy returning the ham to the meat freezer. Overcome with grief, our hero sank to his knees, crying loudly as the bewildered Phantomon just looked at him, sweatdropping.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!! MY BELOVED GLADICE! WHY HAS FATE BEEN SO CRUEL TO ME?!?! WHYYYYYYYYYYY????????!!!!!!!"
Phantomon looked around, hoping nobody was looking at them. At that moment, a box of cereal conveniently fell into Phantomon's non-existent lap.
"MY CEREAL!" he cried happily, hugging the box of 'Lucky Captain Count Phantomon's Sweetened Artificial Chocolate Frosted Sugah Bombz Crunch.' (With tasty marshmallows of Blue Bakemons, Yellow Shadow Scythes and Red Wizardmons!)
~*~
A/N: Okay, if you haven't figured it out yet, most
of the little star do-hickeys separate what I write and what Reo writes. If
that hasn't cleared up any confusion, talk to Izzy, he'd be glad to explain it.
"Do I look like I have fifty photocopies? I only have two hands, which is more than I can say about you."
"Shut up! Just because I'm a bird and I'm special cuz I can fly doesn't give you permission to diss me!"
"Yeah, well here's a news flash, I can fly too, and I doubt that when I digivolve I turn into some ugly bird with crooked teeth that desperately needs orthodontic help!"
"Don't you digivolve into Myotismon?"
"No I most certainly do not…at least, I don't know. I died, remember that, smart stuff?"
"So just how are we supposed to keep the little pork roast from figuring this out?" Wizardmon asked, leaning against the photocopier.
"Since Sora's the Commissioner, I'm getting her to send Patamon on a bunch of really pointless errands while we do this," Biyomon stated.
"How pointless?" Gomamon asked, sitting on a bar stool and pouring a shot of vodka.
"I think she said one of them might involve asking him to watch paint dry."
"Ah."
So the Dead Wonder and the…wait, Biyomon doesn't have a name other than Batpig Girl. Well, anyway, they're holding some elaborate beauty pageant which they have decided will get Patamon a date with something that has a pulse and an IQ of at least 3. Now, we go back to the Caped Crusader, who is doing…something.
~*~
"Wow, that sucked that she's gone." He said, not really paying much attention to anything other than the little Wizardmon marshmallow. "Wizardmon, you're so cute, Wizardmon, I like your……" he paused for a moment. "Say, what rhymes with cute that won't sound like an innuendo?" he asked.
"Root," another barfly said.
"Fruit!" another recommended.
"Why would I want to sing about fruit?" Phantomon asked.
"No! Not fruit! FRUIT!!!" the barfly said, ducking just as a huge cart of fruit was tossed through the window of the bar, hitting the pool table, causing a pool cue to hit the eight ball, making it fly off the table, ricocheting off a bald man's head (Terry Bradshaw? ^_^), smacking off a chair, bouncing from the bartender's gut, and finally bouncing right back onto the pool table, hitting every ball, causing them to go into every hole.
Lobo™, Hitman™, and Azrael™, who happened to be in the bar at the time, all held up a 10. (For those with us who are 'comic book impaired' those three names last mentioned are characters of DC Comics®.)
"Umm…shouldn't we get out of here?" Phantomon asked, finishing up his bowl of (shameless plug) New Lucky Captain Count Phantomon's Sweetened Artificial Chocolate Frosted Sugah Bombz Crunch™. With tasty marshmallows of Blue Bakemons, Yellow Shadow Scythes, and Red Wizardmons! Part of this complete breakfast!
Suddenly, another fruit stand came flying through the window, this time hitting Phantomon's cereal and Patamon's pile of flattened Capri-Sun packages.
"MY CEREAL!!" Phantomon shrieked, then looked outside to see who could be hurling crates of vitamin-rich food items at this time of the morning.
Yes, Pane. An ex-convict Gazimon who was subject to horrid experiments involving a strength enhancing chemical known as Venom™, resulting in his immense strength and horrible Puerto-Rican accent, as well as his need to dress up as a Mexican wrestler and break people's backs, like so, with his knee.
"Who cares if it's Pane?!" Patamon grumbled. "I'm supposed to be moping right now!" At that moment, a head of lettuce landed right in front of our "hero."
"Why hel-LO!" he said, raising an eyebrow as the lettuce winked at him (at least, in his head it did).
~*~
"Well…I have certain standards in picking out blind dates," Biyomon said thoughtfully.
"Like what? Didn't you say as long as the thing had vital organs, a pulse, and some hand-eye coordination you'd take it?"
"It?! When did we start getting into its?!"
"Well…you never ruled out yaoi."
Biyomon threw her wings up in indignation. "You're impossible!"
Gomamon waddled through, holding a box of (shameless
plug) New Lucky Captain Count Phantomon's Sweetened Artificial Chocolate
Frosted Sugah Bombz Crunch™. With tasty marshmallows of Blue Bakemons, Yellow Shadow
Scythes, and Red Wizardmons! Part of this complete breakfast! And now, if you
send in three box tops
"Gomamon, people are getting sick of it," Biyomon mentioned.
"I know, but it's our little shameless plug."
(Self-inserted author alert!) Lia and Boss Reo were
sitting in the Omnipotent Authors' Office stationed somewhere…secret (Actually,
we commandeered the office of Nimoy and Buchholz, now deceased.), munching on
(you guessed it) New Lucky Captain Count Phantomon's Sweetened Artificial
Chocolate Frosted Sugah Bombz Crunch™. With tasty marshmallows of Blue
Bakemons, Yellow Shadow Scythes, and Red Wizardmons! Part of this complete
breakfast! And now, if you send in three box tops
"Power of the Author," Lia said simply. "Besides, it was Reo's idea to call."
"Sure, pin it on me. Sora, who's busy having as much expression as a wet paper bag, wanted us to tell you Patamon's got himself into some deep s***."
"How could he get in trouble running odd jobs for the commissioner?" Biyomon asked.
"He never went. As a result, Cody is stuck in a mailbox, Davis is covered in Grey Poupon, and Yolei is choking on a piano. I don't even want to know what happened to the rest of the gang," Lia groaned.
"Oh, so now you expect us to rescue them? Or do we need to run right out and save Patamon?" Wizardmon said haughtily.
"F****** WIZARD! JUST DO AS SHE SAYS!" Reo hollered,
pulling out his Lemon Scythe.
"Yessir."
~*~
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! NOT IN THE FACE! NOT IN THE FACE!!" our hero cried, just split seconds before, yup, he was hit in the face. The force of the punch sent him flying backwards, luckily there was a frail old woman standing n his way, and he was saved from any bodily harm while being sent flying at mach 1 from Pane.
"Coma back here, rodent!" the curiously strong Gazimon hollered, and lept after him. Phantomon, meanwhile, was back in the grocery store (which was right across the street.) looking up and down the cereal aisle.
"It's completely gone!!!!" he shrieked, and ran to the clerk, grabbing him by his apron, "WHERE IS MY CEREAL?!?!" he screamed, "OF ALL THE THINGS PEOPLE WOULD STOCK UP ON DURING A CRIME SPREE, WHY MUST IT BE MY PRECIOUS CEREAL?!?!" the acne-shamed clerk only shrugged, "Dude, it's, like, the most popular item in the whole store, man." He said, in his stereotypical slacker-teen speech. Meanwhile, our hero, Batpig, was busy with Pane™…
"I weel CRAUSH YUUUU!!!" Pane growled, trying too hard to sound Puerto-Rican. Batpig spit out a tooth, before getting his bearings back.
"Um….isn't there someway we can talk like gentlemon?" he asked, wobbling to and fro. Pane folded his arms, trying to look imposing, "Bah! Yuu haf deesgraced me! I know eet waus yu who keyed my pleemuth viper! AND NOW I SHALL CRAUSH YU!!!!" the digimon who would put Los Luchadores to shame shouted, and lunged at our hero.
"Hey, Batpig, the store said they were out of cereal, do you know where I can find som…" Phantomon said, just as Pane used our hero like a club and swung him down on him.
"Hey! What's the big idea?!" Phantomon growled, "Mwahahaaa!® Yu fooleesh phantaum! Eet was I who took thee last box of cereal! And now that I know eet is YU who is Batpeeg's partner, YU SHALL DIE AS WELL!" Phantomon just sweatdropped, "Um….what?" he asked. "Yu called heem Batpeeg! Only hees partners call heem that!" Pane pointed out. Phantomon just raised an eyebrow, "Buddy, what the hell kind of cleaning supplies have YOU been sniffing?! YOU just called heem… er, I mean him 'Batpig!'" Pane just paused for a moment.
Momentary pause: ……… (Shhh, it's supposed to be momentary.)
"Oh yeah." He finally said, "But I'm steel going to keel heem! Because he keyed my Pleemuth Viper! (Plus I waus paid to, buy an unknown source.)" Pane then laughed hees … er…I mean 'his', evil laugh, which gave Batpig the opportunity to get up, sneak back to his Batpigmobile, and finally start the engine.
"Um…what's that noise?" Phantomon asked, Pane stopped laughing and looked in the direction of the noise, just as our hero sped right into heem…… I mean 'him', and crashed through more crates of fruit, further incapacitating the villainous Pane (who is ™ The Infamous Boss Reo.) before he could inflict any more bodily harm on our hero.
~*~
"So Hawkmon, just how did Yolei swallow that piano?" Wizardmon (still half dead) sighed.
"It was rather odd, chaps. One minute she was just ducky and the next, her throat was sticking out more than Prince Charles' ears. Crumpet?" the Winnie-the-Pooh sounding British bird asked.
"Uh, no thanks. Tell me, does this have anything to do with Cody, Davis, Grey Poupon and a mailbox?" Biyomon inquired.
"I should rather hope not. Oh, gracious, look at the time! The BBC is on. Pip pip and cheerio!"
"That got us nowhere," Biyomon muttered, heading back out to the Batpig Tricycle.
"Well, it could be worse. We could be stuck working as bodyguards at one of Matt's idiotic concerts," Wizardmon said thoughtfully.
"But at least Matt doesn't sound like a Backstreet Boy."
"You're right…he has more of an *NSYNC quality."
Diss Matt again and you'll be starring in a yaoi lemon
with a Dark Master or Jun, so watch what you say about Matt!
"I was wondering when Lia would use the official 'author bold print' interruptions. Hey, do you think Patamon's back yet or what?" Biyomon questioned, pedaling down the driveway.
"There's an idea." Biyomon stopped in the middle of traffic on her little tricycle and pulled out a cell phone, causing about a hundred cars to pile up behind her and clog Tokyo worse than it already is.
"I'm sorry, but the superhero digimon you are trying to contact is unavailable right now. Please hang up and try your call again when he's not being pummeled by a Puerto Rican evil bunny on steroids not to be confused with the criminally insane Chihuahua of Los Luchadores."
"Those operators have got to be psychic, I swear," Biyomon muttered, turning off her own cell phone.
"Damn, now we've got to like, find him or something."
"Well, yeah. We haven't done much lately and if there's a Puerto Rican evil bunny on steroids not to be confused with the criminally insane Chihuahua of Los Luchadores running around Gotham then you know we're needed."
"What the hell?" Wizardmon asked.
"IT'S THE OVALTINE MAN!" random eight-year-olds shouted. A guy dressed as a milkman with some ridiculous ice cream cooler cart thing was standing there with glasses of chocolate milk.
"No kid can resist rich chocolate Ovaltine!" he said cheerfully. Biyomon glanced at Wizardmon.
"Evil villain trying to poison Gotham City's youth?" she asked.
"Oh yeah. Take him down."
So the Dead Wonder and Batpig Girl are going to beat up the Ovaltine man.
Hey, you guys do realize Batpig's in trouble
and there's a cereal shortage, right?
"Um…no. Fill us in, will ya?" Biyomon asked, pecking the Ovaltine man.
Reo can do that later. All you need to know is that
we're out of NEW Lucky Captain Count Phantomon's Sweetened Artificial Chocolate
Frosted Sugah Bombz Crunch™! With tasty marshmallows of Blue Bakemons, Yellow
Shadow Scythes, and Red Wizardmons! Part of this complete breakfast! And NOW if
you send in thirty box tops
"Again with the cereal?" Wizardmon sighed.
"Rich chocolate Ovaltine tastes better than Nesquik. Take that, you rabbit," the Ovaltine man cried.
"Um…just go back to Batpig. We'll finish up here and meet him there in a page break or so. While you're at it, get a roast beef sandwich or a couple of Oreos," Biyomon suggested.
~*~
Our hero, meanwhile, was still as inept as ever…
"No no! Stay back!" Patamon cried, "I know judo!"
"So? I know Tai-chi!" Pane shouted back, "Now caum heer so I can brrreak your back, like so, with me knee-ya!"
Our hero shrieked loudly in terror as he climbed up a lamppost.
"1…2…3…HEAVE!" he shouted, giving another thrust upwards with his arms as Yolei spat out the piano, smashing into Hawkmon.
"Are you all right, young lady?" the polite spirit asked, giving her a light pat on the back.
"Yeah… (Hack) Just gimme a sec…(cough)" the four-eyed Digidestined choked, catching her breath as she spat out a few keys. Behind Phantomon stood Cody, carrying a busted-up mailbox, and Davis, holding a now-dampened towel saturated with Grey Poupon. Behind them were muggers in handcuffs, puppy-kickers in handcuffs, mother rapists in handcuffs, litterbugs with fines and tickets, father rapists in handcuffs, more thugs in handcuffs, etc. (As you can see, Phantomon's been pretty busy while Batpig was fighting Pane.)
"Perhaps next time you should remember to chew all your meals before swallowing, children." Phantomon said in an after-school-special-like tone of voice, "We wouldn't want dead children with pianos sticking out of their necks laying everywhere, now would we?"
All three children shrugged and looked off in some direction, "Eh, well…you know… yeah, I guess…" Davis trailed off; Phantomon smiled and folded his arms, "Good! Now where can I find a nice, delicious bowl of (Yep, Plug-time.) New Lucky Captain Count Phantomon's Sweetened Artificial Chocolate Frosted Sugah Bombz Crunch™? (With tasty marshmallows of Blue Bakemons, Yellow Shadow Scythes, and Red Wizardmons! Part of this complete breakfast!)
Of course, before any of the 02 sprites could answer his question, the alarm from the Gotham Bank sounded behind them, and Gatomon, clad in her Catwoman outfit, leaped from the window, climbing up the drainpipe and to the roof.
"Aw crap." Our Non-Casper muttered, "Excuse me for a moment?" and he floated up after her, leaving Yolei, Davis and Cody by themselves.
"…Fine, fine, we'll both just agree to disagree that the whole thing with the quiche was a mistake, alright?" the three of them heard someone say as they approached from behind them. They turned around to see Biyomon and Wizardmon, the Dead Wonder approaching them with a torn Milkman's uniform.
"Sorry we took so long getting back." Wizardmon said, "We just had to teach that punk a lesson about free children's beverages!"
"Oh, we're fine now!" Cody chirped, "This really nice floating potato sack came by and helped us, then he went up to the roof to stop Gatomon from stealing the bank's money!"
Both of the cannon fodders looked up at the roof in a puzzled look, suddenly breaking the silence as a loud crash came from behind them.
"So you were right." Lia sighed, "Again." Reo finished, Matt came up behind them holding three cups of espresso, handing them each their own drink.
"You forgot the biscotti!" Reo snapped. Matt just rolled his eyes, "Hey, I'm just Lia's girlfriend, alright? Gimme a break!"
"Um…don't you mean 'boyfriend'?" Lia asked, they both looked at Reo, who smiled innocently and quickly backspaced, retyping his last paragraph.
"We had an agreement, remember?" Lia growled, "No lemon stuff!" Reo just folded his arms, "Well, I haven't seen my name mentioned at least ONCE in any of your other fics!" he pouted, "You can insert yourself, but you can't insert other authors?"
"Forgot the biscotti! Sorry!" the three of them heard a voice call out, and Wallace came running up to them.
"Ah, now THAT'S service." Reo grinned, munching happily and sipping his espresso.
"Anything for the Oh-Great-Lemon-Keeper!" Wallace bowed, "He who has saved me from forever wandering aimlessly with no work beside one movie appearance!"
"Good boy." Reo said, scratching behind Wallace's ear and resuming his typing.
"O-kay, Lia!" He said, tossing the laptop to his cohort, "Time to work your magic here. I got Batpig, Phantomon and Pane to meet up here with Biyo and ol' Wiz-gig." Lia looked back down at the action as it went on, cracked her knuckles, and began typing up her part of the fic. (Which is right down here…
*Psst* look down, stupid!)
"Lia! Screw Reo not getting mentioned which already happened in two of those news report thingies! We haven't gotten our mention yet! It's in our contracts!" Gomamon shouted. Yup, Shadowmon transported the you-know-whos onto our roof.
"The Austin Powers Trio does not need to be in this!" Lia argued, trying to type and argue at the same time, with the espresso in her hand no less.
"Unless you wanna see me swing this here Lemon Scythe, I suggest you three go back to your trailers and annoy your respective owners," Reo threatened.
"I am the terror that flaps in the night! I can DNA digivolve into a talking tea set! I am Batpig!"
"And I'm Batpig Girl!" Biyomon added.
"And…"
"And you're so absolutely adorable!" Phantomon cried, wrapping his nonexistent arms around our buddy the Dead Wonder.
"Ugh, if it's not the cat it's the pillowcase," Wizardmon sighed.
"Hello? Did we forget I'm still trying to rob this bank?" Gatomon questioned impatiently.
"I WEEL KEEEEEL YOU ALL!" Pane shouted, looking around
for something he can throw at our dynamic…group. Unfortunately, our resident
Quatre R. Winner look-alike, Wallace Nolastnamegiven, was standing around
trying to figure out how to get onto an episode. The evil rabbit on steroids
decided to take this opportunity into his hands…er, paws…or whatever the hell
they are.
"I thought I told you to go away!"
"Hell no! We're like leeches, only cuddlier and last time I checked we don't suck blood cuz then Buffy the Vampire Slayer would come and…" Shadowmon started prattling on.
"All right, I've had enough of you three interrupting my fanfics!"
"Whaddya gonna do, Liakins? Sic your pwecious Matt on us? Oh, I'm so scared!" Gomamon taunted.
"Reo, if you would be so kind…"
The Trio started sweatdropping as the master of the Lemon Scythe graciously took over the fanfic.
"Now the fun begins."
~*~
O-kay! To take care of this problem, how bout this happens?
A faint scream could be heard above the rooftops, Gatomon lifted her head up to see what it was, just in time to have Gomamon, Veemon and Shadowmon fall right on top of her, rendering her un-robbable of any sort of bank for the moment.
"THAT took care of it." Reo said coyly, polishing his scythe's blade, "Now let's get this b****-in-heat finished!" (By b****-in-heat, I mean the fic.)
"CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUSH YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!" Pane shouted, that seeming to be one of the only things he knows how to say. Our hero and heroin crusaders picked up random pieces of fruit, being scattered all over the street, thanks to Pane throwing fruit carts around, and chucking them at the muscular lepus.
"Would… you…. Please… get… OFF?!?!" Dead Wonder shouted, finally throwing Phantomon from off of him.
"Is it because of someone else?!" the phantom sobbed, "I swear I'm faithful and never cheat!! Please come back!"
"Mwahahahahaaa!™" Pane laughed in his trademarked laugh, "Now yu shall be thee first to die by me! Mwahahahahaaa!™"
"I should have stuck with the pillow-case." Wizardmon choked, "Wizardmon! Hold on!" Biyomon shouted, she rummaged through her utility belt, suddenly realizing that a very sexy blonde American bishounen boy was flying at her, 72 MPH. Both of them being knocked unconscious, Patamon saw that only he was actually standing, able to fight.
"…Oh s***." He muttered, and turned around to formulate a plan (*cough*runaway*cough) when his foot slipped on a piece of fruit, toppling him on his back. (and making a loud *SNAP*, I might add.)
High above the roof…
"Yes, but not if he's DEAD!" Lia shouted.
"Um… Lia… sweetheart?" Matt sweatdropped.
"BUTT OUT, BLONDY!" both the authors yelled at him, causing him to cower in fear from them both.
"Thanks to YOU, my whole 'Batpig' franchise is about to go down the toilet! How the hell can I write another chapter when they're all about to die?!?!"
"Oh come on!! You think I don't plan these things ahead of time??!!" Reo shouted back.
"NO!!!" Lia yelled. Suddenly, both authors turned their heads towards the edge of the building, looking down and seeing Phantomon, crying his eyes out and sitting atop the unconscious Veemon, Gomamon, Shadowmon and Gatomon.
"I think I've solved our Batpig problem…" Reo said, a wicked grin creeping across his face.
"Well… he HAS been doing a pretty good job so far as far as crime-fighting…" Lia smiled.
Phantomon looked up from wallowing in self-pity to see two authors free-fall from the roof of the building and tackling him. How did we manage to dive ten stories and remain unharmed? We're authors, you moron, of course we can do suicidal stuff and not get killed!
"Hey! Leggo! What'd I ever do to you to deserve this?" Phantomon hollered through one of those cheap cartoon smokescreens indicating a scuffle. Lia and Reo stood back, brushing off their hands.
"Nice work."
"Same to you."
"Can you please explain why I'm doing this? I'm very, very confused. All I wanted was my cereal. Ya know, New Lucky Captain Count Phantomon's Sweetened Artificial Chocolate Frosted Sugah Bombz Crunch™! With tasty marshmallows of Blue Bakemons, Yellow Shadow Scythes, and Red Wizardmons! Part of this complete breakfast!"
"Well, see, here's our scenario. I, Kawaii Li'l Lia, started a Batpig fic that kind of got out of my hands. My cohort, the Infamous Boss Reo, just eliminated any chance of Batpig, the Dead Wonder, Batpig Girl, the Austin Powers Trio, or anyone else for that matter, saving Gotham City from Pane, the evil Gazimon with the strength of Black Wargreymon and the intelligence of Davis. So, because we have no superhero and there's no way in Hell we're going against that rabbit, you, Phantomon, will be Batpig's temporary replacement."
"WHAT?!"
"We'll throw in enough cereal to last you a lifetime, a couple dates with Wizardmon, and…" Reo paused to think of whatever else to haggle with.
"A day at the spa where Gennai went from looking like something a Greyhound Bus ran over to a very young Obi-Wan Kenobi," Matt suggested, timidly reappearing.
"Great! Now, get up to that rooftop, do a corny entrance catch phrase, and make that Lobo Fuerte-wannabe say uncle!" Reo shouted.
"Reo, babe, I'm putting you in charge. Matt and I are heading over to the Gotham Police Department to pick up Commissioner Sora and her inane police squad," Lia said, heading off with her bishounen in tow.
"Liar! You're going off to glomp him! Get back here or I'll lemon scythe…ah, what the hell. Let's go, Phanto-Batpig. We've got some Pork Knight-ifying to do."
"MWAHAHAAA! ™" The steroid-induced bunny laughed, standing triumphantly over the unconscious collective of our heroes, "Now, thee seetee weel be mine! MINE! MWAHAHAAA! ™" at that moment, a cellular phone started ringing, and Pane reached into his pocket, pulling it out.
"Hola!" he said into it, trying to sound anything remotely Hispanic, "Ah, yes sir. I have defeated thee bat peeg as you have asked. No, it waus quite eesee. Si. Si. Si ………oh." He looked back at the unconscious Pork Knight, "No, he seems quite dead, senior." He then took a pipe out of some rubble and started to poke him with it, inducing a few twitches from our hero.
"Wait, never mind. He ees alive."
"Do I have to do this?" Phantomon asked nervously.
"YES!" Reo growled, gritting his teeth, "Now shut up and try and sneak up on him! After that, throw a few smoke pellets, find a lead pipe and let im' have it!"
"But I've changed!" the cereal-loving spook argued, "I don't want to hurt anyone!"
"DO YOU WANT THE DAMN CEREAL OR NOT!!!"
"Well… I don't want to have to KILL anyone for it…"
Reo just rubbed his temples, leaning against his Lemon Scythe, "This is going nowhere. And now I can kiss any chance of having another collaboration fic goodbye, all because some stupid floating pillow sheet DECIDES HE HAS A CONSCIENCE AND DOESN'T WANT TO HURT PEOPLE ANYMORE!!!"
"…Well, that, and I have a more bishounen voice now." Phantomon said. Indeed, our Casper nominee had been blessed recently with a much finer, younger (and a lot more angsty and handsome sounding.) voice. He doesn't really have one, you say? Well, boowie, I'll be honest; I never liked his Count Chocula voice very much, so let's just make him sound cuter. Kay? ^_^
*Ahem*
Anyway… Phantomon stood nervously at the building's edge, looking down.
"This is too high up, also," he said. A small vein grew from Reo's forehead.
"Insane Clown Posse, Rob Zombie, Limp Bizkit, Wallace wearing white briefs and smearing butterscotch syrup all over himself…" the Infamous One repeated to himself, trying to find his happy place and keep from re-killing our Batpig replacement.
Meanwhile…
Pane put his little cell phone away and stood over the fallen heroes triumphantly.
"MWAHAHAAA!™ See how I stand over them triumphantly!" he bellowed, he was getting bored quick and looked for something to break. Stroking his chin, he spied the unconscious Wizardmon and grinned evilly to himself. Of course, were he not wearing his mask, you could see him grinning to himself, but you can't.
Back up top…
"Somebody page me?" Reo asked into his cell phone. Phantomon sighed in shame and stood at the rooftop's edge, reveling in his cowardice.
"…Well who the f*** is this?!" Reo continued, Phantomon sweatdropped, "No, no, you misunderstood me! I said f*** you, nobody cares if yer dead or alive so go f*** yerself!!" and the Infamous One promptly hung up.
As Phantomon looked from the rooftop, he could still see Pane.
"He's not going away still," he said.
"…Damn suicide hotline callers…" Reo grumbled to himself.
"Ah screw this. Let's go get some dinner, Phanto…" Reo turned around just as Phantomon swiftly leapt from the roof's edge, landing gracefully on a nearby lamppost behind Pane, only his eerie blue eyes could be seen as he melted into the darkness…
"Wow… he could give Batman a run for his money." Reo observed.
(And now the action heats up. :D)
~*~
"I'll need to see some I.D.," said an overweight comic book guy wearing Spock ears and a shirt that said "Kiss Me, I'm Klingon."
"I.D.? How is it possible that you need I.D.?! Don't you watch cartoons?" Matt hollered.
"You're getting evilish again," Lia sighed, tapping her foot on the linoleum floor.
"Of course I watch cartoons! I am Comic Book Man!"
"Yeah, well, you ever hear of Digimon?"
"Nope. I prefer the lovable antics of Ash as he continues his quest to become a P…"
"CENSORED!!!" Lia cried, slamming her MasterCard down onto the counter. "Just use mine. Apparently this guy has never heard of the greatness of Yamato Ishida."
"Wait…you said Digimon, right?"
"Yeah, the lovable antics of kids and their monsters that speak something other than complete gibberish as they save the world using their quick intuition, some kick a** powers, and might I add, devilishly bishounen looks," Matt plugged.
"Was that necessary?"
"Yes."
Comic Book Man yanked out a lightsaber a la Star Wars. "Then prepare to die."
~*~
"Eef the boss doesn't show up soon I'll just have to craush thee rest of the seetee without heem. Oh well."
"Ahem…" came a little cough. Pane completely ignored it and continued thrashing ol' Wizardmon against the roof. Suddenly half a dozen smokescreens went off, blinding the archvillain.
"I am the terror that stalks the night! I am the shadow that haunts your dreams! I am vengeance and justice! (I can't believe I'm actually doing this. *sweatdrop*) I am Bat-Phanto!"
(Well, Phanto-Pig didn't sound right.)
Pane watched as what appeared to be a flying potato sack came into view, leaning on a scythe and staring at him evilly.
"MWAHAHAAA! ™ Theese is what the seetee sends when the bat peeg is deefeeted?! I will craush yuuu!"
"Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. Now, unhand that bishounen wizard digimon and surrender, or else!"
Pane smiled (under his mask). "Theese weel be an eenteresting fight, no?"
~*~
"Where the hell are they?" he grumbled.
"Popcorn, Boss?" Terriermon asked. "Sorry, while Wallace is in an unconscious heap over there, I'm filling in."
"Thanks. Hey, have you seen Lia and her Love-Gabumon?"
"Oh, you mean Matt? Didn't you read the part before the last part? They're being threatened by Comic Book Man because Matt got all upset because he needed I.D. for his Visa Card. Apparently Comic Book Man prefers P***mon to us."
"Really? Well…interesting. See, that's why I always carry a MasterCard…or Dark MasterCard if that f***ing Piedmon goes after my wallet again. Looks like I have to do everything around here. Ah, such is the life of an author."
"CRAAAAAUUUUUSH YUUUUUUUUUUU!" Pane interjected.
Terriermon hit a little gong. "Round One, begin!"
*Smack*
*Thwap*
*Smack (again)*
*Wham*
The two mons' were going at it like crazy; Pane threw a punch here, Phantomon took a blow to the jaw there, I'm sure you can get the idea of who's winning this one, right? In about less than three minutes, Phantomon was huddled in a painful mass, trying to keep his ribs (the ones he has left) from breaking apart.
"MWAHAHAHAAA!™ And now, my dear peelow case, yuu shall aulso die by my hand!!" NOT being a rip-off of the character 'Bane' that Pane is, placed his paws on his sides and laughed, Phantomon coughed and spit out a small trickle of blood that usually happens in anime when someone gets the s*** kicked out of them. Pane smiled to himself and turned away, walking back towards the unconscious Wizardmon.
"Of course, first I maust deespose of thee bat-peeg." He said casually, taking the stiff mon in his paws and raising him above his head…
Phantomon fist met Pane's spine as he lunged at him from behind, causing the muscular lepus to let out a sudden 'Ack!' and drop the now safe Wizardmon.
"How dare you!" he snapped, turning his attention back to Phantomon, the bishounen spirit stood up straight (if not for a slight limp) and slammed his scythe's handle into the ground. "I told you not to touch him," he said. "Now I am going to have to hurt you."
"Ooooooh! Pleez don't hurt mee, meester peelow-case! MWAHAHAAA!™" Pane laughed, "You hauf just made your death all the more slowlee! Now I weel keel you first!" he grinned to himself and cracked his knuckles.
"Bring it on." Phantomon said.
"Conseeder eet brung." Pane retorted.
"I shall destroy you, infidels, and then Xena and the galaxy will be mine!"
Matt glanced at his girlfriend with distain. "Where do you dig these rejects up?"
Lia shrugged. "Well, if you can't beat 'em…"
"Whoa, are you suggesting what I think you're suggesting?"
The brunette author went into her pocket and pulled out a cell phone. "If you think I'm going to run around with a lightsaber, forget it. I'm calling in a few favors and getting someone down here, now."
Comic Book Man (not a blatant rip-off of the Simpsons 'Comic Book Guy') jumped on top of the checkout counter, the structure bending under his weight.
"Um…Lia…? Can you like hurry?"
"Stupid ten-digit dialing," she muttered.
"Before I send you to another dimension, I shall show you my evil plan because it is the purpose of every evil villain."
The porcine manga vendor pushed a button on the counter with his oversized foot and opened a secret door between the Spiderman and Thor comics.
"What the…?" the bishounen blonde and the author gasped.
"Yes! I have bought out all of this fabulous cereal and with it I will control the world! That and I'm planning to sell these black market manga books to the highest bidder! And I am the one who sent Pane to destroy your precious Batpig! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Lia shook her head in annoyance and waited for the annoying hold music to cease.
~*~
"How many f***ing times to I have to say this? No f***ing hotline callers, b****!" he cursed into the receiver.
"Reo, shut your mouth and listen to me right now! Matt and I are being threatened at lightsaber point by a P***mon-loving comic book vendor who won't take MasterCard or Visa and stole all the cereal from Gotham City and plans to use that and black market Digimon comics to rule the world. CAN YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT?!"
"Hey Bat-Phanto! Get your pillowcase a** in motion and f***ing defeat that damn rabbit! The author's in over her head again!"
Phantomon rolled his eyes in annoyance, taking a swing with his scythe.
"I'm kind of busy here! Can we talk about this later?"
"Did shomebody catch the lishence plate number of that bush?"
Austin Veemon, Gomamon Powers, and Felicity Shadwell rubbed at their fuzzy little heads and tried to put two and two together…not that they've ever been able to do that before.
Terriermon noticed them instantly and started hyperventilating.
"Boss? Boss Reo? Um, the Austin Powers Trio just woke up and they're going to spoil everything for Bat-Phanto and we still have to return Gotham's supply of cereal so maybe we should do something?!"
Reo leaned on his Lemon Scythe. "Why the f*** am I surrounded by such incompetence? YOU THREE!" he shouted, the trio darted their heads towards the Infamous One.
"Oh crap. It's him!" Gomamon gulped.
"Uh... y...yesh?" Veemon asked timidly.
"RAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Pane screamed as he charged at Phantomon.
"That's right, fuzzy. Just a few more steps..." the spirit said to himself, moving his hand behind him.
"You should be fleeing by now, you stupeed sack of feathers! First I shall keel you slowly, and then I shall make offense of your beeloved Weezardmon!"
"Bad move, baby," Phantomon said, suddenly bringing the handle of his Shadow Scythe upwards, meeting the muscular Gazimon's chin.
"…Duck," Reo said, both he and Terriermon jumping out of the way just as a flying steroid-induced Gazimon slammed into the Austin Powers Trio, creating a rather large dent into the side of the building as well.
"Well now, THAT sure took care of things, didn't it?" Terriermon asked, looking up to see the swirly-eyed Pane.
"Yo Pane! Think you can go another round?" Reo called out.
"I weel hauf thee three-beef encheeladas, por favor…" Pane mumbled, showing that he was, in fact, out of it.
"Um… does that mean I won?" Phantomon asked.
"HELL YEAH!" Reo shouted, giving a 'V' sign. "Who's tha man! Who da man now! UH!" he yelled as he did a victory dance around the incapacitated Gazimon. "I TOLD her it was a good idea! Boo-yah!" Both Phantomon and Terriermon just sweatdropped.
"My Wizard-chan!" the Phantom-Knight cried, running over to the unconscious Wizardmon's side. "Speak to me! Are you alright?!"
"I'm a little teapot, short and stout.." Dead Wonder babbled. Phantomon's eyes instantly lit up.
"HE'S ALIVE!" he shouted happily, glomping the Dead Wonder.
At that moment, our other heroes started to regain consciousness as well, aside from Batpig, whose back had just folded in after he slipped on the piece of fruit.
"Ohh… my head…" Wallace groaned, coming to just as he found himself being carried by Reo.
"Hey! A little help here?" Biyomon asked angrily, looking beside her to see Terriermon, smiling brightly at her.
"I thought you two were being threatened by that comic book person thing guy," Terriermon stated.
Lia sweatdropped. "Um, well, you know, it was the funniest thing."
"Some random superheroes popped up and rescued us at the last possible second," Matt supplied, dropping the bag onto the concrete.
"I bet it was those bastards Kaiser and DarkScythe. They've been ruining our routine lately," Biyomon frowned.
Lia glanced at her watch nervously. "Oh, look at the time, I have a, um, uh, project on, um, the life and times of, um, er, Michael Reisz to do. See you later!"
"Yeah, and I think I have to go home and boil water," Matt added. "Here's the cereal we promised."
Shadowmon started blinking. "They're hiding something.
How much you want to bet they weren't in mortal peril and spent the entire time
making out in his dressing room?" Reo shrugged as if he didn't have a clue.
"C'mon Shad, let's go. I need a bubble bath and a groovy three-day-weekend, baby," Gomamon whimpered, waddling towards the Shagmobile.
"Did we ever find Patamon a blind date?"
Biyomon squawked in surprise. "S***! I knew we were forgetting something!"
Just as our, um, incapacitated hero regained some consciousness, Reo tossed a box of "New Lucky Captain Count Phantomon's Sweetened Artificial Chocolate Frosted Sugah Bombz Crunch!™ With tasty marshmallows of Blue Bakemons, Yellow Shadow Scythes and Red Wizardmons! Part of this complete breakfast!" in their general direction.
"Ohhhhh, my aching back. Remind me not to order extra re…hellllo, who is this fine beauty?" the Pork Knight questioned, snuggling the box of cereal.
"I don't think I'll be eating that one any time soon," Phantomon stated.
"Well, my work here is done. C'mon, Wallace, let's drop the pig off at a chiropractor's office, ditch the rest of these dumb-a** characters, and go get us some Chinese food."
"And a hot fudge sundae?"
"I guess. I don't see why f***ing not."
"YAY!"
~*~
Fin.
It's done! It's finally done! Once again, thanks soooo
much Reo, you've been a great sport through all of this. I couldn't have done
it without you. I had a lot of fun writing this, let's do it again sometime.
And now, my dear readers, review. Those who don't will be sacrifices to Reo's
Lemon Scythe, and we ain't kidding. ~Lia