The Verye Secret Diaries of
Kinge Arthur ande his Noble Knights of the Rounde Table.
It was bound to happen. And yes, I know how to spell. But the Noble Knights of the Table Rounde did not.
Disclaimer, sort of: I'm actually going off the Sir Thomas Mallory versions of King Arthur -- "Le Morte de L'Arthur", that is. "Le Morte de L'Arthur", my friends, is the original compilation of Arthur stories, written in the 15th century. It inspired people from Tennyson to Twain. But it I doubt that it is like the recent movie, and I do not apoligize at all. Anywho...
--------------------
The Verye Secret Diarie of Sir Gareth, or Beaumains.
Day 1 (Pentecost): Arrived at Camelot today with my retinue (and all of the other knights who were sent here to yield to Arthur at Pentecost). V. iteresting. Am glad to be here. Gave well-rehearsed speech, asking for the three gifts, etc. Arthur sayeth yea. Score!
Which means that I get to live here until next Pentecost, in the meantime proving my valor as incredibly awesome knight that I am.
Knights of Round Table seemed v. unimpressed with my admittedly strange retwell-dressed inue of dwarfs.
Day 2: Oops. Apparently forgot to mention my status as well-born knight-hero in apparently not-so-well-rehearsed sppech. Have now been assigned to kitchen duty. Sir Kay, apparently jealous of my knightish good looks and incredible (if undemonstrated) powers, has taken to teasing me and calling me names. I have been rechristianed Beaumains by stupid Kay.
Day 100: Still in kitchen duty. Curse that stupid Kay.
Day 365: Ooh, a quest!
Lady arrived today, asking for help rescuing her sister. I, of course, being the gallant fellow that I am, signed up immediately. Now I shall go prove my noble blood and talent to the world! So there, Kay.
I also got it arranged so that pretty boy Launcelot will follow us. Am excited, and not just because of Launcelot's power to make me a knight at any step of the journey.
Day 366: Stupid Kay followed me on my quest. Still jealous of my knightly good looks. I called him names and he called me names. I feared that a slapfight might erupt, but instead we just jousted. I beat him without a spear. Take that, stupid Kay.
Then I was knighted by following Launcelot. V. exciting. Revealed secret past and true identity to Launcelot. Then pretty boy had to leave. V. sad.
Rode off into sunset, bing insulted by lady every step of way. Stupid lady.
Day 368: Killed and jousted 3 knaves. Am proud. The other three were scared off by my knightly prowess. Stupid lady still insults me. Stupid lady.
Fortunately, though, I saved a knight from those knaves. He gave us food, and ignored stupid lady. At least somebody likes me.
Day 369: Killed two knights at once. Still abused by stupid lady.
Later: In Black lands. Not pretty here. The land scares me. Oh well. It's been a profitable day: I killed the Black Knight and took his armor, and then I defeated the Green knight, who asked me to dinner. He liked me better than stupid lady too. Am smug.
Day 370: Beat Puce Knight and was asked to dinner. What is it with these colorful knights? And what color is puce, anyway?
Day 371: Beat another colorful knight, this time Indigo. He asked us to dinner, too.
Stupid lady starting to warm up to me. I blaim former coldness on jealousy of my knightly good looks. Or pent-up, secret, butining love of me. This trip will be fun.
2:00 AM: Indigo Knight a sicko. Sent his maiden daughter to my bed tonight. I, however, was virtuous and did not deflower her. Go me. What a knight I am.
Day 372: Off to Castle Dangerous to fight the Red Knight of the Red Lands and accomplish my quest. La la la la la.
Day 373: Beat Rrd Knight, rescued pretty lady, fullfilled quest. But lady doesn't like me. She sent me off into the woods to sulk for a year.
Day 380: Fought brother Gawain and won. V. Freudian, yet cool.
Day 385: Now get to marry pretty lady! Score! And afterwords, I get to watch jousting! wOOt!
-----------
The above is exactly canonical, by the way.
please leave a review on the way out!