Phoenix's note: Been quite some time, huh guys? Well, that's what happens when life strikes you hard! Originally, I planned to put all Edolescence-based fics on an indefinite hiatus and thought about doing KND fics instead, but my heart just wasn't in it and also, because of life, a lot of things kept me from moving on with it. So, I will try and see how far I can get with Edolescence Season 2, but be warned! A lot you will recognize from the previous version and some will be strictly original! Also, I made an error at the season 1 finale of Edolescence. I said I chose the song "Headstrong" by Trapt to be the Edolescence theme song, but in the end, it says the remixed theme of Buffy the Vampire Slayer was used as the theme. Due to technical issues, I couldn't go back to fix it, but I did want to tell you that this was an error and that the true theme is Headstrong by Trapt.
EPISODE 11: FEEL THE ED!
The screen opened up on one beautiful Saturday evening in the cul-de-sac before it transitioned to the back of Rolf's house, where Rolf himself, shirtless, was seen frantically pouring three barrels of purple cologne on himself, obviously to hide some kind of strong smell with an even stronger one! When he was finished, he tossed the last barrel to the side, "There! Now one shall accuse Rolf of carrying the odor of sweat and int-"
"Yo, Rolfie? You ready or what?" Rolf was interrupted by the sound of Kevin's voice. Standing in front of Rolf's house was Kevin, Nate, Cody, and Jonny (without Plank), who each wore their outside attire from the Christmas special.
"Yeah, dude!" Cody rolled his eyes. "I wanna get this day done with!"
"Me too!" Nate added. "Quicker it's done, the quicker I can wrap my hands around Brookie's tight little ass to get warm!"
"Way too much information, Nate!" Jonny smirked.
Just then, Rolf, wearing his wool-coat, drove out into the street on his tractor and hand-signaled for his friends to get on board.
"Come, everyone!" Rolf said cheerfully. "We must make haste if we wish to converse with our fellow brethren before today's merciless judging, yes?"
"Wow!" Cody and the others climbed into the tractor. "I actually understood ya this time, man!"
Kevin suddenly started smelling the air in Rolf's direction, "Ugh…what's with the cologne, Rolf? You got some out-of-country date with some dudette or somethin'?"
Rolf didn't respond. He simply sweated nervously for a couple of seconds before he drove off-screen.
In Eddy's garage, Ed and Eddy himself, both wearing their winter attire from the Christmas special, were leaning against the latter's car waiting for Edd. Ed kept busy by looking through his Iphone, but Eddy was looking quite impatient.
"C'mon, Sockhead!" Eddy huffed. "The other guys are probably already there!"
"Honestly, Eddy!" Edd walked into the garage via Eddy's house and, like his friends, was wearing his winter attire from the Christmas special. "Will you ever relinquish your capacity for impatience?"
"Will you ever learn to eat steak faster? Or do anything faster?" Eddy retorted. "Do I hafta get Maggie to come in here and flash her knockers at you so you can go faster…again?"
"No way!" Ed shouted randomly. "Hey guys, did you know that members of the Death Shades were said to be spotted in Cherry Falls?"
"Why so strict and interested about by natural velocity, Eddy?" Edd wondered.
"Ain't it obvious?" Eddy replied. "We got that physical fitness exam today in the gym and half of its got to do with speed! If you flunk, which you might, I'll hafta pull some strings to get Braddock off your ass…again!"
"Why're we doin' it on a Saturday, again?" Ed put his Iphone away. "I forget!"
"'Cause Lumpy, for the fourteenth time, the Board of Idiots tried to get us to come back to school yesterday and cut our Christmas break a day short just to do this stupid exam 'cause we were already late in the year doin' it! When some of us ain't show up yesterday, they moved it to today and threatened to fail us for next semester if we ain't show up! Worst of it, though! We gotta spend the night over there with nothin' but our clothes! Buncha Assclowns!"
"Oh, my!" Edd covered his mouth. "And I suppose it would be out of the question to inform them of my 72 hours of unwell-"
"Yeah it would!" Eddy interrupted.
"Who all's gonna be there?" Ed asked.
"Well, let's see. Aside from us, Kev, Rolfie-boy, Cody, and Nate…our women!" Eddy folded his arms with a smirk on his face.
"My gravy-cake's there, too?" Ed smiled excitedly.
"As is my turtledove?" Edd joined in.
"And my blonde sweetheart, who's got boobs bigger than both of your girls!" Eddy raised his left eyebrow. "But hey! Let's get the hell outta here! I'm sick of improvisin' for this scene!"
The three Eds got into the car and drove off to their school for their physical fitness exam.
The screen transitioned to the girls' locker room, where the bombshells were seen hanging up their winter attire while wearing their workout clothing. Holly had her hair in a bun and was wearing her blue sports bra and black jogging pants. Maggie had her hair in a ponytail and was wearing a pink sports bra and black jogging pants as well. Nazz had her hair in a ponytail, but was upwards like how it briefly was in Hanky Panky Hullabaloo. She wore her purple sports bra and, like her friends, black jogging pants.
"You can't be serious!" Maggie looked over at Nazz in shock after hearing her speak about something surprising. "That is so not right!"
"Like, that's exactly what I said!" Nazz continued.
"I'm totally about to freak out!" Holly added. "The Sugar Bar is almost always packed and now they're gonna close it down? Why?"
"Well, I'm guessing we were their most frequent customers and ever since we started chilling at the X-House, we haven't needed to go." Maggie suggested.
"Still, I wish we gotta do something." Holly punched the lockers. "Or else they'll turn it into one of those lame, tacky voodoo shops with those owners who start rumors about Peach Creek being cursed with dark spirits or whatever!"
Nazz and Maggie looked at Holly emotionless before they looked at each other.
"Think you've been spending too much time with Ed, sweetie." Nazz responded.
The bombshells walked out of the locker room and into the immensely large gymnasium, which, for the purpose of the physical fitness exam, was outfitted to look like a basic training camp despite the fact that it was inside! The boys were on the north wall as they stared at the apparent fitness course. Eddy, Kevin, Ed, and Nate were the only ones that were wearing their usual attire. Edd was wearing a white T-shirt and black jogging shorts. Jonny was wearing a white V-neck T-shirt, blue jogging shorts, and his usual sneakers. Cody was wearing a white T-shirt and gray sweatpants. Rolf was wearing a white muscle T-shirt and wool sweatpants. As the girls walked over to them, they started to flinch and hold their respective noses in disgust when they stood next to Rolf.
"Welcome to our world, babes!" Kevin coughed.
"Hope ya sweat some of that crap off, Stretch!" Eddy wheezed. "I ain't even gonna make it to the tire-jumpin' thing if that shit gets to me!"
"Ah yes! Rolf's masculine fragrance is beautifully powerful, yes?" Rolf stuck his chest out proud.
"Hey, where's everybody else?" Nate asked. "Gettin' high off shrubs?"
"We're it, dude!" Cody replied. "We're the half that didn't show up yesterday! The half with lives! No offense to yer girlfriend, though!"
"So, Tori, Brooke, Twan, Sarah, Jimmy, Plank, and even the Skankers-" Maggie added.
"All came and did this retarded exam yesterday so they'd have the weekends to themselves!" Jonny interrupted.
"Well, that's seriously messed up!" Holly frowned. "I mean, who're we supposed to talk and tell our problems to?"
"Why not our men?" Maggie pointed to Ed, Edd, and Eddy.
"Sorry, girls, but everything after "talk and tell our problems to" was just yuk! Yuk! Yuk!" Ed said loudly.
"That is no way to respond to a female, Ed!" Edd chastised his friend. "Especially if one of them is your own!"
"Hey, like, how come you four aren't wearing your gym attire?" Nazz asked Eddy, Ed, Kevin, and Nate.
"Bad enough they got us comin' to school in midday on a weekend, sweetheart!" Eddy folded his arms. "Now they wanna tell us what to wear? Hell, no!"
Just then, a man walked out of the coach's office. It wasn't Braddock because this man was Black-American, in his early-to-mid twenties, stood 6'2, was muscular, and was wearing the attire of a marine.
"Yo, who's the Jarhead?" Nate whispered to Jonny.
"YOU GOT SOMETHIN' TO SAY TO ME, BOY?" The marine suddenly zipped up to Nate's face. "SAY IT OUTLOUD SO WE CAN HEAR AND I CAN PUNCH YOU IN THE STOMACH IN FRONT OF YER FRIENDS IF IT'S NEGATIVE!"
"Um…sir, who are you?" Nazz asked.
"I AM YOUR SUBSTITUTE COACH GAVIN PIERCE! FORMER PHYSICAL FITNESS COACH FOR S. RALSTON HIGH AND OSWALD REID HIGH!" The marine (Pierce) replied. "YOUR PANSY COACH BRADDOCK AIN'T FEEL LIKE BEIN' HERE TO EDUCATE YOU YOUNG PUNKS, SO I'M DOIN' IT FOR 'IM!"
"Did-did he just call me, "punk"? To my face?" Eddy looked at Kevin angered.
"I'LL DO IT AGAIN, PUNK! PUNK! PUNK! PUNK!" Pierce got in Eddy's face!
"Geez, what a hard-ass!" Kevin whispered to his friends before Pierce punched him in the stomach!
"THAT WASN'T OUTLOUD, BOY! NOW GET THE HELL UP OFF OF THAT FLOOR AND LISTEN UP! ALL OF YA!" Pierce pointed to the kids. "I DON'T TOLERATE FAILURE! SO IF ANY OF YOU PUNKS FAIL ANY PART OF THIS EXAM, THE BOARD WILL BE ON MY ASS AND I'LL STAY ON YOURS UNTIL YOU REACH COLLEGE!"
"Any part?" Holly asked. "You mean this isn't-"
"THIS IS ONLY A PORTION OF YOUR EXAM, YOUNG LADY!" Pierce continued. "THE FIRST PORTION IS ON THE ROOF! THE SECOND ONE IS IN THE WEIGHT ROOM! YOU'LL HAVE TWENTY MINUTES TO SCARF DOWN SOME PROTEIN IN THE CAFETERIA! AFTER THAT, YOU'LL COME BACK HERE AND COMPLETE THIS OBSTACLE COURSE THREE TIMES! AND THEN, BEFORE YOU HEAD HOME TOMORROW, YOU'LL RUN SIX LAPS AROUND THE BUILDING! NO LESS, NO MORE! NOW, GET YOUR YOUNG ASSES TO THE SCHOOL ROOF! NOW! NOW! NOW!"
All eleven teenagers frantically dashed past Pierce and through the double doors as the screen faded to black.
The screen reopened on the school's roof, where the kids could be seen standing several feet away from six huge cannon-like machines with the words "Dodgefire" painted on each of their right sides. Pierce stood behind each of the cannons and held a pen-like device in his left hand.
"Perhaps I should have spoken with my agent about that drama film rather than return for this season." Edd shuddered nervously.
"Drama?" Maggie held onto Edd's arm. "You're kidding! My agent was telling me about an action movie that needs more actresses!"
"Well, mine was tellin' me I better ask for a raise on this show since I gotta do all my own stunts!" Eddy folded his arms.
"Get quiet!" Pierce shouted. "Time for your first obstacle!"
"Least he, like, lowered his voice!" Nazz whispered to Kevin, who replied "Damn right!"
"Here, your stamina, reflexes, speed, and agility will be tested when you're shot at by thick-ass dodgeballs!" Pierce explained, forcing everyone, particularly Edd, to develop bug-eyes!
"D-dodgeball?" Edd gulped, managing to keep calm only when Maggie gripped his hand.
"And why're on the roof, again?" Cody asked flabbergasted.
"Your durability needs testin' too, boy!" Pierce replied. "If ya get hit, let's see if you can at least stay on the roof!"
"Are you fucking kidding me?" Holly whispered to Nate.
"Ready…set…DODGE!" Pierce pressed the button on his device before all six machines started firing big red rubberballs at the kids!
Due to their athletic backgrounds, Eddy, Ed, Nate, and Kevin easily dodged each and every ball that came their way! Whether they ducked, jumped, front-flipped, or back-flipped, none of the balls succeeded in striking these four! As for the others, the results were mixed. Being adept gymnasts, the bombshells used their already existent agility to dodge every ball that came their way, but had closer calls than Eddy and the others. Cody and Edd, however, had to get creative and run around in circles and occasionally jump to avoid the oncoming balls! Rolf on the other hand, ducked a few times and used his shoe to swat other balls away!
"Away with you, cursed ricocheting orbs of abnormal proportions!" Rolf shouted with a touch of fear!
"Hmm, gonna hafta turn up the heat in this damn kitchen!" Pierce pressed the button on his device two more times before the balls started flying at the eleven teens twice as fast!
"What the-?" Eddy quickly jumped up in the air while Ed, Nate, and Kevin started getting pummeled by dodgeballs and were forced to run around in circles like Cody and Edd! The Bombshells, not being as used to rough dodgeball play like the boys, ended up doing the same! Eddy landed just in time to get hit by three dodgeballs before he caught the fourth one and began using it as a shield against all the other oncoming ones! Just then, the last six balls he deflected plugged up all of the dodgeball machines, forcing them to build up before…KABLAM! They exploded right in front of Pierce's face, much to his anger!
"What?" Eddy smiled nonchalantly! "You coulda killed us!"
The screen slowly transitioned to the weight room, but despite what the name suggests, the weights were nowhere to be found! In their place were a dozen punching bags that looked as if they were stuffed with something much harder than stuffing! The eleven teens stood there and listened to Pierce talk about what he wanted them to do next.
"Here in your next obstacle, your gonna push your strength to the limit! In each of these sacks are pieces of enots! You will punch these bags until they either fall or at least two enots drop out!"
"Enots? Have you gone insane?" Edd asked blatantly before Pierce glared and him and he nervously gulped!
"What're enots, Coach?" Jonny asked.
"Stones!" Maggie explained. "But they're like dirt stones! Small ones are soft enough to crumble in your hand, but bigger ones can break your fists depending on how big! And by the way, enots is actually "stone" spelled backwards."
"No more talking! Get to work!" Pierce shouted yet again!
BOOM! "Already done, Coach!" Ed shouted off-screen before Pierce and the other kids looked at him and saw that he had just now knocked two punching bags through the walls with relative ease!
"Uh…great job, freakshow kid!" Pierce scratched his head flabbergasted. "Go…sit somewhere 'till your fellow soldiers are done! Well, what're you waitin' for, the season finale? GET GOIN'!"
Annoyed and angered, the ten teenagers began punching and kicking their respective punching bags while Ed leaned against the wall and drunk hot-tamale gravy (All Eds are off) in a teacup as he watched his friends. Martial Artists Eddy and Nazz found this obstacle a tad challenging, as they had never had to hit a surface until it collapsed before. Most of the time, the surface did so with one or two strikes. Rolf had better luck than any of his friends (aside from Ed), as he managed to punch a hole through his punching bag and cause all of the enots to pour out onto the floor!
"This reminds Rolf of the flesh-striking regimen he had to undergo in his youth to receive a banquet all to himself, yes?" Rolf stuck his chest out proud.
"THAT'S TWO PUNKS DOWN AND NINE TO GO!" Pierce shouted. "HARDER! FASTER!"
"That's what she said!" Eddy joked before all of the boys and Holly laughed heartily while Nazz and Maggie rolled their eyes in annoyance!
"YOU THINK THIS WHOLE THING IS A JOKE, SPIKEY?" Pierce ran up behind Eddy, who retained a smirk on his face as he continued to strike his bag. "YOU GOT SIX SECONDS TO GIMME SOME RESULTS, BOY!"
"Wow! Great motivation!" Eddy rolled his eyes before he kicked the punching bag upwards and it snapped off of the rope when it descended!
"By the way, Coach, only my dad calls me "Spike"! 'Kay?" Eddy slapped Pierce on the left arm as he walked passed him, angering him!
The screen then transitioned to the cafeteria at nightfall, where all eleven teens were seen standing in front of Pierce, who pointed to a table with food covered by a large white cloth. Nazz, Kevin, Maggie, Cody, Holly, Edd, Jonny, and Nate looked exhausted after their last obstacle while Ed, Eddy, and Rolf were energetic!
"All right, now here's your spread, punks!" Pierce yanked the cloth off of the table and showed the kids their "spread". Which consisted of only eleven tall mugs of protein shakes! The kids stared at the table silently until…
"The fuck is that?" Nate pointed.
"Steak, hamburgers, fried chicken, ribs, meat loaf, turkey, and rat!" Pierce explained.
"RAT?" Cody, Nazz, Holly, Maggie, Nate, and Kevin repeated in disgust!
"Uh…you wouldn't happen to have a veggie version of that stuff would you?" Jonny asked timidly. "I don't eat, or drink, meat!"
"More for the son of a former shepherd and present fisherman, yes?" Rolf immediately guzzled down two mugs of protein before he licked his lips satisfied.
"I want'chu all asleep in fifteen minutes, got it?" Pierce pointed at the teens sternly. "Boys in the theatre tech booth! Girls in the vice coach's lounge! I'll be in the teacher's lounge eatin' good-tastin' crap!"
"Fifteen minutes?" Eddy scoffed off Pierce's demand with a smile. "You said twenty earlier, but I guess you were barkin' longer than I thought or cared to pay attention to!"
"BOY, YOU WANNA GIMME THIRTY, RIGHT NOW?" Pierce shouted in Eddy's face, but the boy wasn't intimidated.
"Uh, no!" Nazz yanked Eddy off-screen. "He's, like, totally goin' to bed in fifteen! Aren't you?" Nazz looked at Eddy sternly.
"Depends! You comin'?" Eddy wrapped his arms around Nazz's waist.
"HEY! HEY! HEY!" Pierce forced the two to relinquish their affectionate grips. "SAVE THAT LOVEY-DOVEY SHIT FOR WHEN YA GO HOME TOMORROW! NOW, EAT OR SLEEP! I'M HITTIN' THE SHOWERS!"
Pierce walked through the double-doors and towards the boys' locker room.
"Showers? You ain't did shi-" Eddy had his mouth covered by Nazz, who warned, "Dude…sweetie, I know you have immature and rebellious habits, but that guy is real powerful! He'll fail you and probably jump you, too!"
"Hmm, you mean he'll try!" Eddy raised his left eyebrow.
"No way!" Ed's excited outburst caused all of his friends to look at him as he looked at his Iphone. "Guys! In the news, it's said that members of the Death Shades have escaped police custody and hijacked a car that was abandoned just a half mile away from Peach Creek!"
"Since when do you give seven shits about the news, monobrow?" Eddy smirked.
"Who're the Death Shades?" Holly walked on-screen.
"Small terrorist group of assclowns in their early to mid twenties! Formed thirteen years back!" Eddy answered. "'Course, lotta people think they don't exist 'cause they ain't never identify anyone in that group and snatched a chance to talk about it!"
"Well, how come we're just now hearing about them?" Nazz asked.
"Well, as rumors got it, they trashed a section of Kiwi Springs in '06 and when they barely got away from the SWAT guys, I'm guessin' they laid low from then on out!"
"You mean from then on here, Eddy!" Ed corrected. "If they're in Peach Creek after getting away in Cherry Falls, then that means they're still active!"
"How would you even know that?" Nazz asked. "How can you look at a person and tell that they're the type of guy to shoot people and blow things up?"
"Sixth sense, Nazz!" Holly replied sincerely. "You can almost read their minds!"
"There's only one way to tell if a guy is a member of the Shades!" Eddy explained. "Tattoos!"
"Tattoos?" The girls repeated confused.
"Yeah!" Nate suddenly walked in on the conversation. "All Shades guys have a red skull-in-crossbones tattoo! It's their calling card! Like herpes for a prostitute!"
"Yeah, but there are certain places for certain guys to put those tattoos!" Eddy continued. "The low guys, meanin' the guys who just run around killin' everyone, keep 'em on their necks while the high guys, the schemers, either have 'em on the chest or the back! The low guys gotta put make-up on so they don't get their asses kicked in public!"
"And that's what makes things pretty fucked up!" Nate added. "They could be anybody! Hell, Eddy! Your brother could be one of 'em!"
"Not a chance!" Eddy shook his head. "He's a psychotic jerk-off, but killin' ain't his style!"
"All right, guys!" Kevin walked up to the five. "I'm gonna crash before that dick comes back in here and starts tellin' us to clean under the tables or some other crap!"
"Good idea! Yeah!" Cody, Nazz, Edd, Holly, Jonny, Maggie, and Nate agree.
"Rolf will remain here to finish your succulent liquefied flesh meal, yes?" Rolf guzzled down two more mugs of liquefied protein!
"Knock yourself out, man!" Cody gulped disgusted.
"What's with ya today, Rolfie-boy?" Eddy placed his hand on Rolf's shoulder. "You've been all excited and smiley since the episode started! You had sex with someone last night or somethin'?"
"WHAT?" Rolf spat out the next mug he guzzled down before he shouted, "WHO DARES TO DESTROY ROLF'S STATUS BY ACCUSING HIM OF SHARING HIS BED WITH-"
"Whoa, Stretch!" Eddy interrupted calmly. "I was kiddin'! Chill!"
All of his friends looked at him and wondered why he went in a berserker rage like that.
"Perhaps Rolf has consumed too much of this delectable flesh and requires rest, no?" Rolf walked towards his friends.
"Each of us requires slumber for tomorrow morning's task, Rolf!" Edd pointed out.
"You guys coming?" Maggie asked Ed and Eddy.
"Nah, we're gonna go to the vending machine around the corner and get dinner there!" Eddy replied.
"All right, good night, guys!" Holly and Ed kissed each other good night before Nazz and Eddy did the same!
Kevin and the others walked through the double doors on the opposing side of the ones Pierce went through while Eddy and Ed went through the main double doors of the cafeteria.
"Race ya, Lumpy!" Eddy and Ed dashed down the hallway and went left passed the teacher's lounge, which was partially cracked. Ed noticed this and ran back on-screen to look through the crack. With one eye, he saw a shirtless Pierce on the phone with his back facing the camera.
"Yeah, these kids might have lips you wanna cut off, but they're definitely good for somethin'!" Pierce spoke into the phone with a rather intelligent tone in his voice in contrast to the loud marine voice he uttered all day. "Soon as this exam thing is done with, we're ridin' out to ya! But I might need two more muscleheads since two of 'em look like they've been bred to kick ass!"
Pierce hung up the phone and as he put his shirt back on, he turned towards Ed and, much to the latter's shock, revealed that he had a huge red skull-in-crossbones tattoo on his chest! Ed developed horrified bug-eyes and knowing what this meant, dashed down the hallway to find Eddy.
Eddy was leaning against a vending machine as he munched on chocolate peanut-butter cups until Ed ran up to him and started stuttering incoherently!
"Breathe, you idiot! Breathe!" Eddy slapped Ed to get him to calm down.
"Okay! Okay! Okay!" Ed took a deep breath before he uttered in a low voice, "Coach Pierce…is a leader of the Death Shades! I saw the red skull-in-crossbones tattoo on his chest and I heard him saying that when the exams' done with, he's gonna take us to some guy and if we don't cooperate, he's gonna kill us!"
"Seriously, Ed!" Eddy chuckled. "This is why you need to stay with all your sci-fi crap, man! You're a lot less weird in your natural habitat! Heh! Heh! Heh!"
Ed looked at Eddy with pure sternness and sincerity. Eddy, having been trained to see past facial expressions, gave Ed a long look in the eyes before he uttered, "Fuck. You're not kiddin' are ya, Fuller?"
Ed shook his head from left to right in response. Eddy was internally just as horrified as Ed was when he (Eddy) learned this. But externally, he was angered that he had been deceived this entire time. Acting on this, he told Ed as the camera zoomed in on him, "Get Double D and meet me at the back of the school!"
Only moments later, behind the school, Ed pulled his left ear EEnE-style before his eyes projected a screen on the wall that depicted everything Ed just saw and heard. Despite Ed only seeing it with one eye, the entire thing was more than clear enough for Eddy and Edd to comprehend. When the "projection" ended, Edd's disgust and anger was on par with that of his fellow Eds.
"How despicably spiteful!" Edd growled. "A terrorist who targets adolescent minors!"
"What do we do guys?" Ed asked gravely.
"Whadoya think, big guy?" Eddy looked at Ed just as solemnly. "We're gonna find out who this loser really is and stop 'im!"
"I share your thirst for justice and desire to be rid of this agitator, gentlemen but wouldn't it be more effective to inform the authorities?" Edd suggested.
"Why? So he and all his other pals can outrun the police here like they did at Cherry Falls?" Ed justified. "No! Eddy's right! Let's find out who this guy is by beating him up!"
"Got a better idea, Ed!" Eddy cracked his knuckles. "Rebellion!"
The Eds huddled up to discuss the plan before the screen faded to black.
The screen reopened on the obstacle course in the gym a mere several hours later (which meant that the time was around "5:00 a.m."), where all eleven teens were seen on the north wall as "Coach Pierce" spoke to them. The Eds were the only ones wide-awake while the other kids were yawning, stretching, and barely staying awake by eating large sugar cubes given to them by Rolf.
"WAKE UP, YA BIG BABIES!" Pierce yelled, successfully awakening them!
"Gotta give the guy credit!" Eddy whispered. "He's pretty damn convincin'!"
"WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT WHISPERIN', PUNK?" Pierce got in Eddy's face again.
"What did I say about sayin' "punk" to my face?" Eddy folded his arms with a smile, causing his friends (not including Ed and Edd) and Nazz to gasp surprised.
"THAT'S IT! JUST FOR THAT, YOU'RE DOING TWICE AS MANY ROUNDS ON THIS DAMN OBSTACLE COURSE AS YOUR FRIENDS!" Pierce spat in Eddy's face as he spoke. "NOW, ALL OF YOU! GET MOVIN' IF YOU WANNA GO HOME! NOW! NOW! NOW!"
While everyone else was putting effort into the course, the Eds (mostly Eddy) were merely pretending to do it as part of the plan. On the tire-jumping portion, Eddy simply ran across the fourteen tires while Cody, Jonny, and Kevin actually stepped in them as they ran and the former two fell down! Rather than climbing on a very tall net like Nazz and Rolf, Ed simply super-jumped over the whole thing and landed on the other side as he continued forward! Maggie and Edd were attempting to balance themselves on an unnaturally thin metallic beam with the former having more luck than her boyfriend! Just then, Edd fell groin-first on the beam and landed face first on the floor, ensnaring the attention of Maggie and his fellow Eds!
"Edd! Honey!" Maggie dropped to Edd's side. "Are you okay?"
"I don't believe so…turtledove!" Edd replied in pain as Ed and Eddy ran up to him.
"COACH!" Eddy yelled convincingly before Pierce came to him. "Coach, Double D hurt his two round boys!"
"Is that right, kid?" Pierce asked gruffly.
"Unfortunately!" Edd stood up with the help of Pierce and Maggie.
"Head to the cafeteria! You're finished here!" Pierce ordered.
"You are most gracious, sir!" Edd walked off-screen holding his groin as he winked at his fellow Eds, implying that the whole thing was an act.
"Your turn, pal!" Eddy punched Ed in the arm. "Make me proud!"
"GET BACK TO WORK, PUNKS!" Pierce's yell startled Ed into running off-screen to finish the course while Eddy stood there with a smile. "JUST 'CAUSE YOU HELPED YOUR FELLOW MAN DON'T MEAN YER EXCUSED! YOU OWE ME FIVE MORE ROUNDS, BOY!"
"AND JUST CAUSE YOU'RE A COACH DON'T MEAN YOU CAN CALL ME PUNK…SIR!" Eddy cackled before he ran off-screen.
The bombshells successfully got past the tire-jumping obstacle while Eddy was jumping on high and low bars rather than jumping over them! Kevin, Jonny, and Rolf were crawling under a small tight surface and ended up getting stuck underneath in the process! Ed jumped over a previously off-screen brick wall, but he tripped and fell on his face under the watchful eyes of Pierce, who angrily hand-signaled him to join Edd in the cafeteria when he (Pierce) saw that he (Ed) was "seriously hurt"!
"Whoa, yeah! I got this now!" Cody jumped over the tall bar and landed feet-first on the floor before he dove underneath the low surface he had to crawl under! As he crawled under it, however, Eddy, on his fourth round, was crawling over the surface!
"What's up, Pres?" Eddy greeted Cody casually before he (Eddy) was suddenly yanked off-screen by Pierce!
"I AM SICK AND TIRED OF YOU YA STUPID-" Pierce was interrupted when Eddy shoved a huge sock in his mouth (Robbin' Ed), which forced him to drop him!
"Shoulda told'gu I'd do that the next time ya called me "punk"!" Eddy raised his left eyebrow!
Fed up with Eddy's rebelliousness, Pierce exploded, "YOU FUCKING LITTLE DIPSHIT ASSWIPE! TAKE YOUR ASS TO THE BASEMENT TILL IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GET THE HELL BACK HOME! AND I'M FAILING YOU TIMES FUCKING INFINITY!"
Nazz gasped before the rest of her friends followed suit. Unscathed by Pierce's yelling, Eddy casually walked out of the gym to, unbeknownst to everybody else, join his two best buds in completing their plans.
"All right! All of you! Outside! Now!" Pierce demanded. "If any of you decide to follow in your friend's footsteps, you'll get it worse than he will! Comprende?"
"Y-Y-Yes, sir!" Kevin, Cody, Nate, Jonny, and Rolf shook their heads "yes". Maggie and Holly placed their respective hands on Nazz's shoulders as she worried for her man.
"Good! Now, get going!" Pierce urged, driving the seven remaining teenagers to bust through the gym's door leading outside. He then took out his cell phone and called the same person he talked to last night.
In the dark computer lab, Ed and Eddy sat behind Edd as he sat at an advanced laptop.
"You guys gotta start doin' your own stunts more often!" Eddy chuckled.
"All right, we know that for obvious reasons this terrorist has invented the alternative persona of Physical Educations Instructor Gavin Pierce!" Edd started. "But what we lack knowledge of is his true identity! Without that, we have no means of turning him over to the authorities once we subdue him!"
"And we ain't got a lot of time since he only wants the guys to run six laps!" Eddy poked himself in the head to think about what could be done. "I got it! Ed, can you print out a picture of "Pierce" so Sockhead can try and match it-"
"-To someone of a significant criminal background!" Edd finished. "But how will Ed be able to do such a thing?"
A light bulb appeared over Ed's head before he flinched and it transformed into a camera reminiscent of the one Eddy had in Quick-shot Ed. It printed out a picture of Pierce before Edd grabbed it and placed it on the laptop's scanner and he started doing something off-screen with the computer. Seconds later, as Eddy and Ed remained speechless, Edd uttered, "Oh my! So, this is who he truly is!"
"Make it full-screen, Double D!" Ed requested.
"As you wish!" Edd clicked a few keys before Pierce's picture took up half the screen along with an article under his true name, which was "Ashton Teague. A former contract killer from Lemon Brooke. This article states that despite his age, he has killed over three-dozen people in one year. When he was subdued by a local Police Sergeant with assistance from a man who has been tracking him for three years, he was sentenced to execution. However, due to an explosion in the prison wing that he was being held within, he never saw that day!"
"Prisons ain't known for bein' anywhere near explosives and if Teague's showin' his face around here today, that means the bastard's got a guardian angel who's seen him in action!" Eddy deduced.
"A guardian angel?" Ed scoffed. "Try a Devil master looking for a protégé, Eddy! A Devil Master known to both you and I as…"
"The supreme leader of the Death Shades!" Ed and Eddy said in unison.
"Good lord!" Edd gulped gravely.
Suddenly, the lights clicked on in the computer lab at the same time some hands could be heard clapping! The Eds looked up and saw, to their horror, it was the man they thought was named Pierce standing in the middle of the doorway. But having now done their research, they now know the man as Ashton Teague!
"Sneaky, sneaky boys!" Ashton smirked. "Sorry to say I now gotta make ya wish you went along with the exam like your friends! Least then you woulda kept your blood!"
"H-how-" Edd started to sweat.
"Did you really think I was just another retarded terrorist who blows people and things up?" Ashton smirked wickedly. "I heard your chinless friend breathing while I was on the phone last night when he saw my tattoo and I knew there was no way you weren't up to somethin' when you two boys "got hurt" on the course! The mistake your spiky-haired friend made was being extra naughty when he should've known that I know you three are thicker than a fatass sumo-girl!"
"Just what the hell are you doin' in Peach Creek, anyway?" Eddy stood up angered.
"Talent scoutin'!" Ashton replied. "Y'see, I'm what'chu call a "labor enforcer". I go around special places lookin' for special younger people to do jobs a lot of our other guys can't! And recently, the big guy told me to head on down here 'cause the good-looking kids actually work hard and still have a lot of energy!"
"So ya came here to find your boss a buncha slaves and used the physical fitness exam as a cover-up?" Eddy realized.
"Good job…punk!" Ashton smirked. "I added my own spin on it 'cause I wanted to have fun with you kids by screwin' with ya! And I wanted to get as many kids as possible in on this labor plan, but since you three learned some scathing things just now, can't say it's possible that I can keep you on! Sorry!"
Ashton suddenly snapped his fingers before six unarmed men walked into the room wearing all black casual clothing and black sunglasses!
"Do not believe that your objective will bear fruit, Mr. Teague!" Edd folded his arms. "Because by this point, our friends most certainly have finished their run and will return indoors to confront and aid us in suppressing you and each of your ruffians!"
"Oh, damn, I knew I forgot to tell you kids somethin'!" Ashton snapped his fingers sarcastically. "I cut their lap-runnin' time in half so I could cram in this little meeting here! They're all headed home right now and as soon as night hits, these six boys here will pick 'em all up and take 'em down to the boss himself! But first, we gotta tie up the three loose ends in the room!"
Edd gulped and took a step back as the six men trudged menacingly towards him and his friends.
"Kick off the season with a physical conflict, eh? Cool with me!" Eddy hopped on the table before he ordered, "ED! SHOCKWAVE!"
Ed clapped his hands together once before he created a shockwave powerful enough to send all seven men flying out of the room and further into the hallways, where they landed!
"Son of a-" Ashton rubbed his head as he looked up and saw the Eds dashing out of the lab as they made a right and collectively yelled, "RUNAWAY!"
"COME ON! WE'LL HEAD 'EM OFF!" Ashton and his gang got up and sprinted further down the hallway in an attempt to foil the Eds' attempts at escaping with their lives! As the Eds ran down more hallways and stairwells, Ashton and his men took the shortcut in the elevator! The trio then managed to reach the first floor's entrance doors, but couldn't get through them because they were locked!
"ED! BUST THE FUCKIN' DOORS!" Eddy screamed an order.
"NO! YOU'LL BE DECIMATING SCHOOL PROPERTY!" Edd shouted.
"WE'RE ABOUT TO GET WASTED BY TERRORISTS AND YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT SOME STUPID-ASS GLASS?" Eddy yelled.
"DYING AND NOT BEING WITH HOLLY BAD FOR ED!" Ed struck one entrance door, but all of the doors broke with the exception of the one he struck!
Not caring, the Eds zipped out of the school and towards Eddy's Camaro in the lot!
"Lucky car at twelve o' clock!" Ed shouted happily!
The Eds planned to escape in Eddy's car and deal with the terrorists later, but fate would not let that happen, as one of Ashton's six men jumped up in the air and was prepared to pounce on Eddy!
"Ugly-ass shadow terrorist at 6! Spread out!" Eddy lunged passed the camera to avoid the plummeting terrorist, who subsequently fell facefirst onto the ground, but nonetheless got right back up!
"KILL 'EM ALL! Always wanted to say that!" Ashton chuckled wickedly. Obeying their superior, the six broke off into twos in hopes of overpowering each Ed!
"Double D!" Ed thought up a rifle-like metallic weapon and tossed it to Edd, knowing that his friend didn't stand a physical chance against his enemies. "Stagger-inducing rifle!"
"Oh, thank-YAH!" Edd ran away from his two terrorist foes, who gave chase!
"You're not blowin' us up, Bin Laden wannabes!" Ed jumped over one terrorist's head before he punched the other one in the stomach, picked him up by the back of his head and legs, and broke his back by slamming him hard on his left thigh before he tossed him off-screen and dealt with the other terrorist!
Eddy didn't find a problem with battling his two terrorist enemies. When one tried to strike him, he forearm-blocked it, karate-chopped him on certain points on his neck, side, and stomach regions (rendering him paralyzed), and knocked him unconscious with a blow to the face, causing Ashton to turn his attention especially on him (Eddy)! Dealing with the other one, Eddy ducked his haymaker, front-kicked him in the groin, delivered a hammerfist to the back of his head, and knocked him unconscious with a knee-kick to the face. Eddy then glared at Ashton and walked towards him, intent on engaging him in a fight himself (Eddy).
"Whoa!" Ed's second terrorist foe successfully knocked him to the ground with a crowbar and prepared to strike again until Ed kicked him effortlessly against a streetlight ten feet away! Ed sprung himself back up and dashed towards the terrorist! Frightened, the man attempted to sucker punch the boy, but Ed ducked as he spun around once before he delivered an uppercut so potent that it sent the terrorist flying through the bulb of the streetlight and into the clouds, where he disappeared!
Also frightened, Edd continued to back away from his terrorist enemies and lacked the courage to use the rifle despite the fact that he knew full well that he was running out of space. He eventually backed into a streetlight and watched as the two terrorists closed the gap between both him and them! Just then, Edd reheard the words said by Ashton in his head, but they had a more taunting tone to them. He said, "I cut their lap-runnin' time in half so I could cram in this little meeting here! They're all headed home right now and as soon as night hits, these six boys here will pick 'em all up and take 'em down to the boss himself!" Realizing this also meant Maggie, he slowly began to frown fearlessly before he cocked his rifle!
"RAGGH!" The two terrorists lunged at Edd, but the boy took them both down in a single shot! A shot that electrocuted them violently until they fell unconscious!
"My lovely violet turtledove shall remain untouchable to sick-minded imps like yourselves, thank you!" Edd blew the smoke off of the barrel of his gun before he joined Ed in watching Eddy approach Ashton for a hand-to-hand battle! Ashton took his hat off and cracked his knuckles as he approached Eddy!
"Need to warn ya, kid!" Ashton sneered. "Half those people I wasted…I ain't use guns for!"
"Big freakin' deal!" Eddy swiftly swung his left at Ashton, but to the boy's surprise, he effortlessly blocked it and delivered a powerful blow to Eddy's right cheek before he followed it up with a blow to his left cheek, his ribs, and once again, his right jaw! Eddy successfully back-bended to avoid Ashton's next blow and managed to strike him on the left side of his jaw, but before he could deliver another blow, Ashton punched him to the ground before he picked him up by his small neck and slammed him against a streetlight!
"You're a damn good fighter, kiddo, but I'm bred to kill, remember?" Ashton put both his hands around Eddy's neck just as the boy tried unsuccessfully to pry them off! "Guess I shoulda let'chu keep readin' up on me so you'd know that from the day I could talk, I've been toughened up by a Navy Seal!"
"Navy Seal?" Ed and Edd repeated worried.
Slowly losing consciousness, Eddy thought fast and successfully forced Ashton to release him by elbowing him in the face! Barely unfazed, Ashton angrily dashed up to Eddy, who tried to catch his breath, and successfully struck the boy in the right cheek and abdomen before he knocked him to the ground with a potent uppercut! He then got on his knee and began choking the boy with his left arm!
"EDDY!" Ed and Edd tried to intervene, but Ashton tightened his grip on Eddy's neck to scare them into staying where they were! It looked as if the spiky-haired protagonist was done for, but suddenly, in his own head, he began having flashes of him being abused and beaten by his brother as a child. Being slammed on the kitchen table and punched in the face repeatedly. Being kicked like a soccer ball against a tree while playing with toys. And getting dropped into a toilet and being flushed away!
"GET…OFF!" Unwilling to give up so easily, Eddy cracked Ashton's arm by punching it before he swiftly karate-chopped him in the neck and kicked him off of him! Both combatants sprung themselves back up to finish their fight. Ashton swiftly swung his right arm and left leg at Eddy, but the boy blocked them both before he successfully delivered a powerful uppercut to his face, a potent karate-chop to a point on his neck, a front-kick to his abdomen, a knee-kick to his face, and a blow to his face so potent that the man was sent flying over to a slightly distant streetlight!
"WAY TO GO, EDDY! EXCELENT WORK, EDDY! KEEP IT UP!" His fellow Eds cheered. Unsatisfied with the fact that he was still conscious though, Eddy ran up to Ashton with the intent of finishing him off just as the former-hitman sprung himself back up to stop him! Ashton unleashed a barrage of punches, but Eddy blocked and/or dodged each and every one them until he performed a karate-chop on the side of the man's neck, two blows to his ribcage, a karate-chop to his atoms-apple, and finally, three blows to the face; the last one forced him to hit his head so hard on the streetlight post that he fell facefirst unconscious onto the ground!
"EDDY WON! EDDY WON! EDDY WON!" The two Eds ran up to their friend as they asked, "Are you all right, Eddy?"
"Now that this guy's out…hell yeah!" Eddy took out his phone and called 911.
"What're you doing?" Ed asked.
"There are cops 'round the corner! Think they'll have a shot at getting' these assclowns now that they're—Hello? Yeah!" Eddy spoke to the woman on the phone with the voice of an adult man! "My name is Jude Moore and I was just riding by J. Wootton High School with my friends when I saw seven unconscious men on the ground! I-I don't know who they are, but one of them has a tattoo of a red skull-in-crossbones on their chest! J. Wootton High School, ma'am! All right, thank you!"
"Impressive voice-changing prowess, Eddy!" Edd complimented.
"Thanks, now lets get the hell outta here!" Eddy ran towards his car as his friends followed. "I wanna see what's on TV!"
The Eds entered Eddy's Camaro before they drove out of the school parking lot just as the camera zoomed in on the unconscious Ashton. A millisecond after the sound of police sirens could be heard, he opened his left eye before the screen cut to black!
Tribute- "S. Ralston High School" is named after one of my high school pals, "Stephen Ralston", a childhood Ed Edd n Eddy fan like myself (but he was always more into Dragonball Z and superhero comic books)!
"Oswald Reid High School" is named after another high school pal of mine (with that very name), who was also a childhood fan of the show!
Phoenix's note: It's not over yet, fans! The Eds have yet to finish the battle before the war! What evil awaits the cul-de-sac kids as well as the Eds themselves? And what kind of secrets are Rolf hiding to make him act so suspicious and if anything does it have anything to do with sex? Find out next half how it all unfolds!