With Good Intentions
"You wanted to talk with me, Hitomi?" Sayaka-san said to me as we met in a café near our school after class on the first day Kamijou Kyousuke-kun, the boy we both liked, had come to class after being released from the hospital.
"Yes, Sayaka-san," I said. "I have been keeping a secret from you. For a long time, I have had feelings for Kamijou Kyousuke-kun."
"I didn't know Kyousuke was so popular with the ladies," Sayaka-san said with a chuckle that sounded awkward and feigned, much to my concern. Did she not understand what I was getting that, or was she merely feigning obliviousness? "How long does your crush on him go back?"
"Not quite as long as you have known him," I said. "I cannot say for certain when they began, but I only met him some time after meeting you."
"Yeah, we've been friends since we were kids," Sayaka-san said.
"Are you sure that is all he means to you?" I said. Sayaka-san's face turned surprised as all her obliviousness- whether feigned or real- faded away. "I've suspected for some time, especially after he was hospitalized, that your feelings for him go deeper than friendship. And out of consideration for those feelings, I have chosen not to say anything. I care for Kamijou-kun deeply, but I also consider you a precious friend, and I believe that the two of you would be happy together."
Sayaka-san remained speechless.
"But Hitomi… what about you?" she said. "Haven't you told him how you feel? Don't you even want to?"
"Regardless of how I feel about Kamijou-kun, I believe you have the right to make a decision on how you feel," I said. "But as your friend and someone who cares for Kamijou-kun, I believe it would be best for both of you if you acted on your feelings. Perhaps Kamijou-kun does not feel the same way. But if he does, there is no reason I can think of that the two of you should keep your feelings about each other secret."
"Uh... No, n-neither can I," Sayaka-san said, somewhat hesitantly. Obviously there was something she was not telling me, but I could tell that she was unusually guarded with regards to this particular subject and it was unlikely that pressing her today would yield anything.
Glancing at my watch, I realized that it was time for me to go to cram school. I believed that the extra lessons my parents had me take would prove useful one day, but in the short term, they made it difficult to spend time with or get to know Madoka-san and Sayaka-san. I was touched that the two considered me their friend, but regretted not being able to spend more time with or do more for them. As a result, I was not quite as close to them as they were to each other, but I did what I could for them.
"I must be going now, Sayaka-san," I said, standing up. "I'm glad I had the chance to talk with you about this- thank you for listening, and I wish you the best with Kamijou-kun. Please also let me know if you want to speak with me about anything. Goodbye."
I then bowed to Sayaka-san, turned around and left. Sayaka-san stared off into space. What I said may have sounded unusually forward for me, but I stood behind it. Life can pass us by if we let it, and if we constantly leave important decisions for tomorrow, we may encounter a time when we do not have a tomorrow.
I was left completely at a loss for words as I walked away from my meeting with Hitomi. From Hitomi's perspective, she had been selfless and generous, offering me a chance to confess my love to the boy dearest to me. This became clear even to me after a moment of self-reflection. But considering what I knew, she had been unwittingly cruel, tantalizing me with something I knew I could never have. And if our roles were reversed- with her as the magical girl who healed him, and possibly as the long-time friend as well- could I have been able to do anything of the sort, to even give Hitomi the first chance, much less any chance at winning Kyousuke over? I realized that I could not decisively say yes to that question I had asked myself- how utterly unbecoming of a "hero of justice."
From the moment I accepted the contract, my soul was trapped in a gem that could fit into my pocket, and my body moved like a puppet. It would no longer be me hugging Kyousuke, holding his hand or kissing him. And then I had to wonder- what would happen to me as I matured into teenagers and young adults? Given that I had to fight witches, would I even see my fourteenth birthday?
It then became clear to me- every time I saved someone's life, was I aware of what kind of life they would lead? Hitomi very nearly became a rival for Kyousuke's affections, and who knows what other girls had feelings for him. But I felt so petty thinking of such a frivolous matter compared other concerns- for example, one person I saved could one day kill or cause the deaths of several people. Did everyone deserve to be rescued? And what was I getting out of this?
And what did I personally get out of this? I was reminded of my conversation with Kyouko. Her wish, intended to help her father, backfired in the worst possible way and led to the deaths of her father, mother and sister, and she was left with nothing. From that perspective, it seemed understandable that once she learned about how selfless wishes could only end in tragedy, she would see to her own needs. But there was a part of me that suggested that if I ever came to fully accept that point of view, it would mean that everything I had done had been for nothing.
More than anything, I felt alone. Hitomi understood my feelings for Kyousuke well, but knew nothing about being a magical girl, not even how close she came to death on my first night as one. Even Madoka, who had been with me since the beginning, when we watched Mami-san's battles, did not quite seem to understand what it meant to be in the midst of it all, much like an audience member at a concert has no idea of all the effort the musicians put into their craft. And Kyousuke would never know what cost was paid for his arm to be healed, or who was paying it.
"Maybe Kyousuke and I were never meant to be together…" I thought. He had not told me about his being discharged from the hospital or gone to speak to me on his first day back at school. Did he forget? It seemed unlikely he would do such a thing. Should I have taken the initiative? Doing so was difficult for the reasons I had considered. Or did he simply not value me in the same way I wanted him to?
That thought echoed in my mind with the same frequency as the rain falling onto the pavement. No matter how much I tried, I was unable to conclusively deny it.
Little did I realize that for magical girls, only two fates awaited- death in battle or becoming a witch- and I was slowly but surely spiraling downward toward the latter fate. Perhaps Mami-san was correct to question why I wanted to get into this. Perhaps it was a mistake to make a wish for Kyousuke's sake. Or perhaps, from the beginning, such an outcome was inevitable under the rules that magical girls lived under, and there was no way Kyousuke and I could ever have been together.
Hitomi had meant well when she had made the offer, intending to convince me to be honest with my feelings about Kyousuke, and believing that she could live with her best friend getting together with the boy she liked. I had also formed the contract with Kyubey in order to heal Kyousuke's arm and save people from witches. But both of us were unaware of many things, and as a result of our ignorance, our actions would only result in tragedy.
A familiar adage then came to mind, as if to summarize all the despair I had felt.
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions"
Author's Note: This story is intended to explore what would have happened if Hitomi had chosen not to give Sayaka a 24-hour deadline to confess to Kyousuke, but in doing so, I decided to keep her consistent with what I perceived to be her motivation- getting Sayaka to take the initiative and confess. Ultimately, the encounter largely served to point out a reminder that Sayaka could not, in her opinion, have Kyousuke with her body the way it was, and the responsibility for her feeling this way is a result of the incident in Episode 6 with her Soul Gem, in which Sayaka realized what had happened to her body.
In my opinion, Hitomi did the best she could with the little information she had, and tried to find a good compromise between Sayaka's happiness and her own (Kyousuke is another matter, but it seems more that he doesn't realize just how much he means to Sayaka than that he doesn't care). It's possible her actions would have been entirely different if she knew that Sayaka had become a magical girl, although it should be pointed out that not even Sayaka knew what she was getting into.
I also have a question- Does listing the two lead characters automatically qualify as a pairing in most people's minds? I was intending to do it as Sayaka and Hitomi, since they're the main characters (this fic does not involve Sayaka getting together with Kyousuke- or even Hitomi getting together with Kyousuke, as the subject of their conversation is ambiguous in the anime), but was worried it might be mistaken for advertising a pairing.