Title: Cry To Me
Author: Marie del a Meer
Summary: A chance meeting between Doug and Susan has ramifications...
Disclaimer: I don't own ER or any of the characters.
Rating: M (Sex!!!)
A/N: Set somewhere around Fevers of unknown origin and Take these broken wings (Season 2) Carol and Shep are on the rocks. Mark and Jen slept together moments after making their divorce final. Doug was seeing Karen, a woman who had been involved with his father- she doesn't exist for the purposes of this story. Susan has just lost Susie.
Susan sat on a stool at Jake's, the closest pub to her apartment. She had come here a few times in the last month. She was trying not to make a habit of it, but there is only so much talking you can do. When you realise that even after you have finished talking that you still have pain and feel empty at the same time, alcohol is not the worst solution. The way it burns the back of your throat and warms your stomach is a band aid for feeling empty and inebriation does wonders for pain. Susan justified all of this to herself while finishing her fifth bourbon.
Susie had been gone for almost two weeks. She would have had her first birthday by now, Susan couldn't help but remember. She was so far away. Susan wondered if Susie would know she was gone. Did Susie identify Susan as her mother, or would she feel better now that Chloe was back?
Therapy was helping, just not enough. Susan considered herself to be a private person. She was continuing to tell Mark that everything was fine but it wasn't. How could you go back to just having your work when you had know something so much better? She had always felt lonely, but before Susie she had never been conscious of just how lonely she had felt and for how long.
I'll be fine. I'm always fine. Susan kept lying. She wasn't fine. She wasn't always fine.
Helping people who are sick, while it may be a noble pursuit, it takes so much out of you. Some days she felt that the human species was doomed because everyone around her seemed to be sick or dying. Maybe this was her warning, a divine sign that she had to get a life, one that didn't just involve working.
There was Bobby, Hayden, Kieran, Macca, Jake, Chris, Ronnie... and those were just the one's Susan could remember, Chloe had been in so many bad relationships and yet she had maintained a kind of hope that she would meet someone. Susan on the other hand had practically given up. I don't know how she can set herself up for disappointment. It just makes me feel more disconnected. It had been so long since she had dated anyone... Div was her last boyfriend and that was what... a year and a half ago? And that wasn't exactly a healthy relationship anyway.
The bartender was zipping past her constantly. He was maybe forty, skinny, a couple of taatoos on his shoulders, maybe a better looking version of Steve Buscemi. He had been making small talk with her every so often. He made eye contact with Susan, "Another?" he asked.
"Sure," Susan nodded.
He smiled and winked at her, before getting her drink. It was a very inviting look. Susan couldn't help but consider his silent offer... Am I really that desperate?
He sat the new glass in front of her. She began to sip her drink slowly. She looked at her watch, it wasn't even nine o'clock yet.
"Susan?" a familiar voice came out of no where.
Susan glanced around. It was Doug. He walked over and sat on the stool next to her. Susan wanted to hide, there was a certain amount of anonymity that she craved, especially from people at work.
"What are you doing here?" Doug asked, even though it seemed pretty obvious.
His question annoyed her, "Going to an AA meeting." She drawled. What does it look like.
Susan's eyes weren't as focused as they could have been. She wasn't far away from being trashed. "How many of those have you had?" Doug asked.
Susan couldn't keep the annoyance out of her voice, "You know, I'm a big girl Doug, why don't you get back to your date." She hated being treated like a child.
"It's not a date," Doug clarified, "I'm just meeting a woman here for drinks, but she's late."
"Sorry to here that," Susan stated insincerely.
Doug shrugged, "I don't really feel like it anyway."
Susan eyed him suspiciously, since when was Doug not in the mood to do anything involving women and drinking.
"How about we go for a walk..." Doug suggested, trying not to make it sound too much like he thought she was drunk and was trying to take her home, which he was, but he didn't want her to think that.
Doug could see Susan was genuinely struggling. He suspected that she would be, Susie was the most important thing in Susan's life and to just have her taken away so fast, couldn't be easy. He expected her be hurting, but hadn't seen any evidence of it at work. She certainly was discrete.
"I'm fine."
"You have bourbon at home, right?" Doug quizzed her.
"Yeah, so?" What is he getting at?
"But you came to a bar to drink bourbon."
"So?" Susan didn't see his point.
"Why come out?" Doug questioned her, then told her the answer, "You wanted to be around people. Maybe talk. But here you are, sitting... all alone." He glanced up at her from raised eye brows, a small smirk on his face.
"I'm fine," Susan repeated testily. She really didn't feel like being psychoanalysed.
"How about we go back to your place," Doug suggested.
Doug suddenly had her full attention. Was that a come on?
As Doug realised how that statement sounded, he rushed on to clarify, "That way we can drink bourbon and not pay so much for it... and we can talk."
"Like I want to talk to you," Susan groaned, the edges of her mouth tweaked upwards betraying her improving mood.
"Why not?" Doug wasn't at all offended. Actually the more she resisted the more he was sure this was the right thing to do.
"Oh, I don't know, because you're the biggest gossip at County." Susan mocked him.
"Then we can just drink." Doug gave her one of his best boyish charm smiles, "Come on." He held out his arm.
Susan acquiesced, getting off her stool. Her bar tab was 30 dollars, which meant she had had about six standard drinks. Not bad for someone her size, thought Doug, as he steered her towards the door. As he pushed open the door, warm air reached their faces, it was a mild night.
"So you're just going to stand her up?" Susan spoke.
"What?" Doug was confused.
"The woman... drinks," Susan reminded him. Doug was unbelievable.
Doug shrugged, "Guess it just wasn't meant to be."
"Do you ever feel bad about all the women that you string along?"
"What is it, attack Doug night?"
Forget paeds, deflection with jokes was Doug's specialty. "Seriously?" Susan pressed.
Doug half shrugged, "Not really" he admitted nonchalantly.
Susan shook her head. "Just don't care?" Susan said calmly.
"They are willing participants, and..." Doug trailed off.
"And what?" Susan sought an honest response.
Doug turned to her making solid eye contact, "It's not like they don't know what they're getting."
Susan tossed the thought around. Maybe it's not for me to judge.
"You think I'm a bastard?" Doug chuckled.
Susan shrugged. "Well, I wouldn't date you," she deadpanned.
Doug didn't really want Susan, but it annoyed him that she said that. He decided to change the subject. "So Mark's made the divorce final."
"Yeah, I think so."
"What do you think about that?" Doug decided to go fishing. He had never been in the position with Susan because he had never seen her drunk, well... when he wasn't more drunk.
"I don't think anything about it. It's got nothing to do with me." Susan's tone was a little too defensive.
"I'm not saying you caused it. You didn't," Doug assured her. "I meant, do you think Mark is okay?" he clarified.
Susan kept her tone even, "He was pretty mad for a while there, but he seems to be moving on now." She paused momentarily then decided to say what was on her mind, "I just hope that Jen won't shut him out of Rachael's life."
"You think she'd do that?" Doug asked.
"She might. She's always been..." Susan searched for the right word, or the less offensive version of the right word, "a bit controlling."
Doug chuckled.
"What?" Susan turned to him, she had felt that was a fair comment, she wasn't trying to be nasty.
"No, it's just, I never liked Jen. I've always thought she was too controlling as well." Doug wasn't going to ask but he couldn't help himself. "Do you like Jen?"
"Well, I'm not on her Christmas card list, if that's what you mean," she said conveying no sadness whatsoever.
"Ah, but do you like her?" Doug ventured.
"I just wish she'd just stop trying to force Mark into her mould, you know," her statement was a little more frustrated than it needed to be. It doesn't matter now, anyway.
Doug couldn't help but note Susan's reason for disliking Jen was based on her treatment of Mark, not on the open hostility he had seen Jen display towards Susan.
"Talk about whipped." Doug joked. He gave her a sly look, "He's happy when he's with you." Doug was always willing to test the water.
Susan didn't answer him, instead opting for an; I know where you're going with this look.
Doug decided to at least float the idea, "Have you ever thought about it... with Mark?"
Susan shrugged, "I don't know." She was well aware that she was lying, but it really wasn't any of Doug's business.
"I know he's thought about it with you." Doug prodded around for her soft spot. Continental drift moves faster than these two.
Susan felt uncomfortable that Doug was trying to have this conversation with her, mostly because he knew so much.
They finally reached Susan's building. As she let them in, Doug took in his surroundings. He had only been here a couple of times, and it was usually a little untidy, but now her apartment was a lot messier than Doug had ever seen it. Clothes were strewn all over the place, dishes were still in the sink and empty bottles sat on the coffee table. Susan went to the kitchen, while Doug made himself cosy on her couch.
Unfortunately Susan didn't have as much bourbon left as she had thought. Oh, well, she was half pissed already. She poured two Beam and Cokes. Doug took his gratefully. Neither one of them were talking about Susie, the proverbial elephant in the room.
"So you and Mark?" Doug began coyly.
"There's no me and Mark." Susan corrected.
"He's newly single, God knows since when he's been with anyone but Jen... you should do the divorcee a favour..."
"Doug." Susan was exasperated. That wasn't the kind of relationship they had. "Not everything is about sex you know."
"No, just everything good." Doug didn't really mean it, he was just riling her.
Susan decided to turn the tables, "So, you and Carol?"
"That's not funny." Doug smirked at her and he took a big gulp of his drink. Change the subject. "I know this aerobics instructor. I'm going to set her up with Mark." Doug looked at Susan trying to see what she thought of that.
She laughed. "I don't think Mark would date an aerobics instructor."
"Who said anything about dating," Doug joked.
"Why do you take it upon yourself to meddle in Mark's love life? Don't you have enough going on yourself?" Susan teased.
"I can always handle more." Doug smiled knowingly at Susan. It was the first time it really occurred to him that he was flirting with her.
Susan had beautiful eyes. They were large, up sloping and green, which he liked. Her skin looked soft, though he had never touched it. Susan wasn't as beautiful as Carol, but she was an attractive woman. He tended not to pay attention to her though, because, as a friend put it, "you don't sleep where you eat." That, and because Susan was Mark's. Doug knew that Mark was in love with her however, Susan's feelings for Mark were more ambiguous. Doug was sure Susan had strong feelings for Mark whether her love was more platonic than passionate he didn't know.
Susan poured the last two ounces or so of bourbon into their glasses. She and Doug had run out of things to toast, but clinked glasses anyway. She skulled her shot. This was a whole new side of Susan... and he liked it.
They remained in a comfortable silence for some time. Susan was finally feeling delightfully numb. Her arms weren't so empty, she couldn't hear Susie crying.
Doug broke the silence, "I think it's a shame it worked out this way."
Doug's statement seemed a bit random. "What?" Susan asked.
"Susie... Chloe... I think she would have been better off here," Doug observed.
Susan stared off into space as she spoke, "I just worry, you know?"
"About what?" Doug asked. He knew, but wanted to hear her say it.
"That she'll go back to how she was... that she'll screw her up..." Susan shook her head, "I feel bad for saying it, I mean obviously she's turned it around, but I know her, and I just keep waiting for the other shoe to drop."
Doug put his arm around her shoulders, "It's out of your hands."
Susan looked up at him. It was a look of helplessness. She leaned back on the couch, and felt something pushing against her thigh. She looked down. She picked up a child's stuffed toy, it was a yellow bear. Susan had bought it for Susie when she was born. It was very soft, the texture was the main reason she had picked it. 'Bo Bear' was his name. Susan held the toy momentarily in her hand. Tears escaped from her eyes. It was too much. She hunched over and began to sob. She heaved so hard she couldn't breath. She felt Doug's arms around her, pulling her in tight.
He tried to calm her, to soothe her, but he didn't know what to do. He felt helpless. The best thing he could do was probably just to keep holding her until she stopped crying.
Doug was finding the whole experience very strange. Susan was literally falling apart in front of him, and he was thinking about how much he would like to bed her. Maybe it was the whole 'maternal thing'. Susan had always seemed a little cold and perhaps a little boring for his taste, but he had seen a change in her since she had been looking after Susie. She was warm, affectionate and well, happier, which he found damn sexy.
After about ten minutes Susan stopped sobbing. She felt terrible. Her eyes stung. She was a mess. She felt Doug's hands cupping her face, pushing her hair away from her eyes. He looked into her eyes. There was so much pain and loneliness there.
Susan leaned over and gently placed a kiss on Doug's lips. She pulled back a little way to judge his expression. He was blank, maybe surprised. Her eyes pleaded with him. I want to forget. Doug closed the distance between them, this time when their lips met he let his tongue explore her mouth. Doug began to kiss her with passion, she responded accordingly. Their kissing became frantic. Doug began undoing the buttons on Susan's shirt but it was taking too long so he ripped them off, discarding the shirt on the floor. She undid his tie and then started on his shirt, without breaking contact with his mouth. Her hands ran over his chest and back feeling his muscles flex. Doug pulled back, and stepped off the couch. Susan stopped. We shouldn't be doing this, she thought. Doug grabbed hold of her wrist and pulled her up and began leading her into the bedroom.
Doug pulled out a condom from his trouser pocket and sat in on Susan's bedside table. It was just as well, she doubted she had any. He probably has condoms in every pair of pants he owns.
Susan caressed Doug's body, trailing her hands down to the waist of Doug's pants. She unbuttoned and unzipped them, pulling them down. The age old question was answered, Doug was a briefs man.
Susan had only her bra and underwear still on. Susan's bra was white satin, which Doug was very pleased about. He loved the look of satin. He caressed her through the material. His other hand reached behind her to the clasp. In a single motion he unhooked the bra and slid it off her body. He took one of her nipples into his mouth, teasing it with his tongue until it hardened. His other hand worked on the other breast.
What Doug was doing to her felt incredible. Her hands clenched fistfuls of his hair. Gradually his lips moved further down her body, as did his hands. Susan felt his fingers slip under the waistband of her panties. She lifted herself up so he could slide them down her legs.
Doug looked on her naked body adoringly. He had a charming way about him that made you feel special. Susan was sure this is what most of Doug's women fell for. This 'specialness' tended to fade after Doug had gotten what he wanted though. At least I know what I'm getting.
Doug's fingers slowly made their way from her thighs to her warm centre. She spread her legs to allow him access. He slid two fingers into her. His mouth closed on her clitoris. She felt his tongue teasing her sensitive area. Her back arched in response to the sensations he was causing in her. Her breathing became louder and heavier. Doug moved his fingers inside her in coordination with his mouth. Susan felt the tension building inside her. His lips pressed on her clitoris, alternating the pressure, while his fingers dove deeper into her. She couldn't hold on any longer. She felt herself sit up partially as her body tightened around his fingers. She came.
Susan lay back, so she could catch her breath. Doug rolled over to lay next to her on his back. Some time passed before she looked over at him. He saw her looking at him and took it as a sign of readiness, he grabbed her hand and pulled her on top of him. He was smiling. She began to kiss his neck and feel her way down his chest. She trailed kisses on to his chest, while her hands rid him of his jockey shorts. Doug was well hung. She looked at his penis and then up at his eyes, she could see the pleasure in his face of her admiring his body. She took the head of his penis into her mouth. She allowed her tongue to tease the tip. One of her hands remained on the base of his shaft, while the other followed the movements of her mouth as she took him deeper. His fingers were in her hair guiding her head to him. She allowed her movements to become faster, she heard him moan, as his breathing became laboured. Doug felt himself getting close, he had to make her stop. Susan felt his hands grip her shoulders, he pulled her up. She lay on his chest. He pulled the condom from the nightstand giving it to her. She rolled it on to his erection. She raised herself up, Doug's hands were holding her hips. She eased her body onto his burning manhood. Their movements were slow to begin with, while she adjusted to him. His hands directed her hips, rocking her body on his. She felt wonderful. She felt full.
Her thrusting settled into his rhythm, with his hands to guide her. She felt his arms envelope her, pulling her down close to his chest. He rolled them, so that he was on top. Doug took over dictating their movements. He gradually increased his pace. He felt the pulsations of their bodies increase in frequency. He could feel her approaching climax. He eased off, slowing his thrusts. Susan's hands pressed his back, pulling him to her, trying to make him satisfy her. He was teasing her. He resumed kissing her mouth, her ear lobe, her neck. Her body settled down, and her breathing slowed. Doug took this as his cue to heat things up again. He pushed himself into her deeper. Her body responded accordingly, squeezing him tight. He picked up the pace, feeling his own orgasm growing. This time there was no denying her. He felt her whole body tense, her nails dug into his back. Doug leaned back as he thrust deeply a final time, feeling her body climax around him, which sent him over the edge. He felt his own body release.
It was probably the best sex she had ever had. Susan had never really been one for one night stands. She had never been able to disconnect emotional and sexual feelings, which made sleeping with strangers feel completely empty. Doug wasn't a stranger, but she didn't really feel that way about him.
Susan got the release that she needed. She could barely remember the last time she had had sex, let alone an orgasm. She laid very still for a long time allowing her breathing to return to normal. Doug rolled off her. Neither one of them spoke. Susan turned onto her side away from Doug. It hit her why it felt hollow, she wanted to be held. Her empty arms were starting to ache. She looked back over her shoulder at Doug who was staring at the ceiling. He turned his head towards her. She laid her body against his, and pulled his arm around her waist, so that they were spooned against one another.
Doug held Susan because she wanted him too. But, he felt a little awkward. It was a lie, because they weren't lovers. He thought about waiting until she fell asleep so he could leave. She's lonely. She probably needs this more than she wanted to have sex. He stayed. Besides, it was nice to fall asleep holding a woman in your arms. It felt safe.
A/N: Any feedback would be appreciated. Criticism is fine, I'm trying to improve.