I love him.
It may very well be the first time I have admitted it, truely, wholeheartedly, to myself, but it is certainly not the last. His arms, steadfastly strong and gentle, encase me in the last embrace we shall ever have. I cherish it, letting my mind take note of how his warmth surrounds me, settles about me like some long-lost and long looked for hope.
He is king of all Siam, and I- I am but a simple Englishwoman. It was never meant to be. I'm needed back in England, where perhaps I can change the view of the British. Where, God willing, I will live for the rest of my days, and where I will impart all I have learnt about this beautiful and wonderful country.
I... I must leave. And leave him. I can't... can't what? I can't leave him? Or I can't stay? Oh, my heart and soul feels as if it is tearing into two!
Swaying slowly to the music emitting from the music box, we hold each other close, letting our melancholic silence speak of what we cannot bring ourselves to say. That I love him more than life itself, that his world has captivated and entranced me. That given the chance, I would stay here with him forevermore, dancing in his arms 'neathe the starlit sky.
'It's better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all'. That is how the saying goes. And yet, not for the first time in my life, I truely have to wonder- can it possibly be true?
No. Before I met King Mongkut, I had Tom. It had seemed like love then, that warm, comforting feeling that surrounded him. With him, I was safe. I knew that he loved me, and... yes, I loved him too. After all, I would never have married him if I did not. I was... content. If I had never come to Siam, then perhaps I would have gone through life blissfully unaware that being in love meant so much more.
But now I have tasted love. I have felt the soft and tender touch of his lips to my hand that sent shivers down my spine, have seen what promises a single look can hold, have discovered that a great many words can be conveyed in so little. I have experienced that confusing, stomach churning feeling that leaves you light headed and feeling like a young schoolgirl again. I have felt love, right down to the very bottom of my heart.
I have had the privilege of meeting the most wonderful, courageous man there is. But I cannot stay. Never will I gaze into his eyes again, nor hear his charismatic voice. We shall not converse as we have done so, nor bring shock to many as we 'dicuss' various topics in perhaps too loud a voice.No, nevermore.I admit it freely to myself- I love him, more than the sun and the moon, more than the stars and the skies. I love him.
But... I have to let him go.
Ok, I know that the diaries of Anna Leon Owens are actually a little more... sensationalised then what really happened, but after watching Anna and the King, I just had to write something (that ending reduced me to tears, it was so sad.). So this fic follows the film. For the best romance film ever!
Oh, and I do not own this marvellous film, Fox owns the film, and Anna Leon Owens owns the diaries that inspired this movie.
Edits completed 22/05/06, I feel a little better about this mess. Phew!