Janet …
The pain was overwhelming. Fire was burning through my body.
Janet … where are you?
I felt blood spilling over my hand; I couldn't stop it. My radio was fried and I was a five minute walk away from the gate.
Think Carter, think!
The pain spread from my abdomen to my legs. Come on Carter! Stay awake and stay focused. They will come for you.
I never saw it coming, taken by surprise. One moment I was looking at some writings on a rock, the next I was spinning through the air. I landed rough on my back, knocking my head against a nearby tree. I took me a while to figure out what happened, but the numbing pain became a deadly give - away.
I heard shooting in the distance; staffblasts and bombs; gliders passing over. They must be caught up at the Gate; I should go and help. Trying to get up, the pain shot through my body. "Damnit!" I fell back on my back, trying to focus on anything else other than my wounds. But then the world turned black and silent.
Easy Carter! Easy …
This voice filtered through my massive headache; I panicked, sprung upright, clenching my abdomen when the pain seared through my body.
Sam …
Another voice … A soothing touch at my shoulder, pushing gently, forcing me back
Easy Sam …
So soft … Lay back down, Sam. The pressure on my lungs was immense. Fast shallow breaths; struggling to gain the much needed air … Just breathe Sam … Slow deep breaths … Again the soft touch pushing bangs out of my face.
I flicked my eyes open, looking right at these deep brown eyes. The pain was clouding my view; it was hard to focus. I was aware of a presence at my other side; turning my head, seeing my commanding officer kneeling beside me.
Next I felt her soft hands scattering over my body, halting at my abdomen.
"Sir, we need to move her … I can't help her here. She needs to be operated on."
Did I hear some panic in her voice?
"Doc, we are under heavy fire; can't you do something?" His voice cracked a bit. I knew what he was realizing at that moment.
They can not move me; too risky. I was hurt too much, I could not move quickly enough to make it to the Gate. And if they stayed here, they would risk their own lives.
"Guys ..." it was getting harder to pull air into my lungs; it was starting to hurt just to breathe. My face pulled into a grimace. "Guys ..." I tried again "... leave me here" Some shallow breaths to hold my composure. The Colonel looked at me; a weary look in his eyes; clearly not knowing what to think about that.
"I do not leave teammates behind Captain; we'll find a way" No, no! They need to go! It's too dangerous!
I turned my head towards my left side; catching her worried gaze.
"Janet ..." speaking was getting harder by the moment. I needed to convince them as soon as possible, before I fainted. She stared at the wound; not making any eye contact with me.
"Janet ..." I tried again.
I startled when she snapped at me "I will not leave you behind!" Where did that come from? For a few seconds our eyes locked. I was not getting through to her. Come on Carter, convince the Colonel; he will understand.
"Sir, you … you have to leave me ..." I couldn't keep it up appearances any longer now ..." I'm too heavily wounded to get to the Gate."
I knew it was the right thing to do, although it meant I would stay behind, alone, on this planet. I closed my eyes for a moment, concentrating on my breathing and holding myself together. I turned back to her.
"Just … just patch me up Janet. Give me some morphine for the pain. And Sir ..." The headache was threatening to knock me unconscious ...Hold on a little bit longer Carter... "Give me your guns; so I can protect myself".
I could see he was running all of the options in his head; but there was only one right decision. "Ok" he said
Janet's protests on this decision only came through faintly. Everything that followed was a blur: the guns, the morphine and then their leaving. I saw a highly worried Janet turning her face one last time before they scattered off to the Gate. I'm sorry Janet; I really am. Please take care of Cassie; she will need you more than ever.
I fumbled at my right front pocket, taking out the letter I was carrying on every mission for almost two years now. I stared at it for a few second, then clenching it in my fist. I felt the tears streaming over my cheeks; my mind clouded; getting colder and colder. I am so so sorry. Her image flickered in front of my eyes one last time; then I let go of my consciousness.
I was faintly aware of a presence; a soft touch on my hand. A faint sent of flowers in my nose. I knew she was there; wherever 'there' was. Her soft skin on my hand. I felt paralysed; a million words and feelings were coursing through my body. My mouth refused to move, make sounds; my hands couldn't move. I felt so so tired; felt so empty. Breathing was so hard; I felt like I was drowning in my own body. I screamed. Janet! Janet! Why couldn't she hear me? Please Janet … you need to help me … A coldness turned over me, sucking me in; like I was trapped under ice. No power to fight it; it sucked me in deeper and deeper … and deeper. Somewhere, far away, I heard sounds of alarms.
Movement, a lot of movement. A frantic voice, shouting. I slipped away, into the deep darkness.
I held her close in my arms, while we danced. Her sweet scent surrounded me. We danced slowly; there was no music, there were no people; there was just us and our embrace. I smiled. This felt so good. This was so right. I sank into her warmth. "I love you". Her movements suddenly stopped. She pulled out of the embrace; took a step back and stared at the ground. "What is it?" a fear crept up
"I can't do this". She looked up, with tears in her eyes. "What do you mean?" I took a step forward, trying to get closer again, but she took a couple of steps back; increasing the distance between us.
"I just can't. I'm sorry Sam"; tears streamed over her face. She turned around and ran out of the room.
"Please! No, wait!" I screamed after her, but she didn't stop. My feet refused to move; I tried to run but stayed in the same place. "Noooooo!" I sank down to the floor, laying down in a foetal position and cried, yelling out her name.
I gasped for air; was under for seemingly so long. Fast, shallow breaths. Tears were in my eyes; I felt them making a trail along my face. The sounds were so overwhelming; I had trouble sorting them out. I heard monitors, alarms, running feet. A voice. "Carter?" A man. "Easy now Carter". A hand pushed me back down on the bed. "Easy now" I remembered … slow deep breaths … "Alright, Carter, that's the way. Relax, just relax." My muscles relaxed. I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing. The anxiety fled away.
"Captain … Sam ..." Soft touches. "Sam, can you open your eyes for me?" I tried to push out the flash lights.
"Okay, that's good Captain" A friendly smile. "Do you know where you are Captain?" This voice was soothing.
It took me a bit to collect my thoughts. I nodded. "The SGC" my voice was raw, cracked.
"That's right, Sam. How are you feeling?"
"Headache, pain … lots of pain." I swallowed hard. "I will get you something" the soothing voice said. I slipped back into unconsciousness.
I was back in the room; all alone; on the floor. She left me. She just left me. Why?
I cried, cried, cried. Until I fell asleep. I woke at a soft touch; it felt far away, but yet so close. As I opened my eyes, it wasn't her who was there as I expected but Jack. His hand was resting on my shoulder; his eyes were fixed on mine.
"Sir?" I was confused. "Why are you here?" There was no one else in the room; it was dark with only one spotlight shining down on the both of us. He didn't say a word, just smiled. Where was Janet?
"Janet!" I heard my own voice echo of the empty walls. "Janet!" my voice topped over; I started sobbing.
"She will not come back Samantha" His tone was dark. "Why? Why did she leave?"
"She doesn't feel the same way"
I jerked upright, gasping for air once again. The lights were dimmed; the infirmary empty. I let my vision wander around; the pain was starting to throb through. With a grimace on my face, I sank back on the bed, closing my eyes; trying to shut out this aching feeling. My head was clouded, my thoughts stirring. She didn't love me. She didn't love me. She didn't love me. Tears welled up, and made their way across my cheeks.
I faintly heard a nurse come in. "Captain?" Without opening my eyes I said "Yes?" in a small voice.
"I'm going to give you some morphine for the pain; so you are going to feel a bit drowsy; but it will help you sleep"
I only nodded. I felt so drained, so tired, exhausted even. The morphine took me away in an instant, to a deep unsettled slumber.
"Don't leave me again… much … say to you … need to talk ..."
Words. Small movements. A hand touching mine. I felt her presence; I wanted to react, but my mind pulled me back into sleep.
When the sleep let me go, I opened my eyes. She was still there; her hand on mine, asleep in the chair next to my bed. For a couple of moments I locked on our hands. When I felt her move, I redirected my gaze at her.
I felt a warmth creeping up as she smiled at me, her head cocked. "Hi there."
I couldn't help but smile. "Hi"; my throat was still sore; the words rasped. My head was still clouded; whatever they gave me to help take off the edge of the pain, was some fine stuff. I still felt drowsy, but warmed by her touch. She said something about water and a chart. As she was turning away from me, I grasped her hand more tightly, pulling her back. "Thank you Janet …" I swallowed hard " for everything …" Again, that dazzling smile; my heart fluttered. She smiled and nodded, then left the room.
I closed my eyes, relaxing my muscles and keeping her image in front me. I had drifted off again by the time she got back. I wasn't aware of her lips on my forehead and her words "I do love you Sam; don't you forget that".
"Hi, Carter" The words were shimmering through. "Carter?" I heard a chair pulled up next to my bed, a weight resting near me. With heavy eyelids I turned my gaze to the person sitting next to me.
His goofy smile always made me laugh a bit. "Welcome back camper. How are you feeling?"
"Slightly better than yesterday" tough the pain was still very much present, the headache was almost gone, and I felt pretty much alive. I wasn't drowsy anymore, the clouds in my head had past and I could see straight again.
"You gave us a good scare, you know?" his voice was barely audible. He past his gaze from his hands to my eyes, holding on for a mere second.
"Sir?" what did he mean? "You remember what happened?" he asked. I searched my brain, poking it to find some memories, but came up empty. I shook my head.
He told me everything. How I got shot and then pressured them to leave me behind. How they got back for me and found me struggling to hold on to life. How Fraiser – Janet – spent over 5 hours operating on me. How I flatlined. That last part took my breath away. I died. Right here in the same infirmary; I just died … and then – somehow – came back.
"Don't you ever die on me again, Carter." His tone was demanding, but friendly. "I won't Sir". I managed a smile.
"The doc didn't take it too well either" He paused, waiting for my response.
"She never does when that happens to somebody under her care", I agreed.
"That's not what I meant, Carter."
"Sir?" I didn't understand. Janet was always very responsible for everybody under her care. She walked the distance if she had to; did everything in her power – and more – to fix us up every time; over and over again. That's who she was.
"She really didn't take it well, Carter"
"What do you mean, Sir?"
"She tried to resuscitate you for almost half an hour and wouldn't have stopped until somebody from the staff made her too. And then she crumbled." Pause.
I chuckled. "Come on Sir. Janet never 'crumbles'" I smiled, convinced that he was kidding.
"Well … she did anyway …" Again he paused. "Until yesterday, she believed you were dead"
He looked me in the eyes; there was something more to this. "Sir, what are you not telling me?"
He looked away for some moments.
"She read your letter, Carter." He looked up again. I startled; my hearth skipping a few beats and my stomach turning into a knot.
"She … she read it? How … I … what?"
"You held the letter when I found you on the planet. I took it with me … and read it … then …"
"You read it?" I felt the blood drain from my face. "Sir, I …"
"Take it easy Carter. I didn't read anything I wasn't already aware of."
"… I … " my sentence was cut of my the appearance of the tall Jaffa into the room.
My head was spinning with this information. She read my letter. Oh god … she read it … she wasn't supposed to. Not now. I couldn't remember making the decision to take it out of my pocket. I must really have believed I was going to die. Well, actually you did. I mean, really dying. Not waking up again.
Oh man … what would she have thought? I felt so embarrassed. I didn't want to jeopardize our friendship. What if she felt … assaulted or something?
When Daniel also appeared in the room, I had to cut my thoughts off.
The three man were very chatty today; apparently happy I made it. They were making jokes, talking about everything that happened since then. I was able to relax a bit, pushing my worries away, until I heard the Colonel say "Good morning Doc!".
I tensed up again as I saw her entering the room; a dazzling smile on her face, holding my chart, walking towards me.
"Good morning Sam; how are you feeling?"
God … she wanted me to answer? How could I manage that? I had no courage to look her in the eyes; my stomach was turning into a bigger knot than it already was.
"I'm fine; a bit of a headache, but that's okay"
I turned my gaze away from her, fumbling at the sheets of my bed. I felt the tension rise.
I lost the first words of her sentence … " …anything more I should know?" What did she mean? I decided to ignore her under tone.
"No, everything's fine". I was having trouble hiding my embarrassment. What would she think of me?
She must have decided to leave it at that, as she made some notes, gave instructions to the attending nurse and then left the room without another words.
I slopped back onto the bed, sinking low under the sheets; trying hard to disappear in the walls.
The days passed and I felt better and better. The guys stopped by a couple of times a day to check up on me. The Colonel very eager to see me back on my feet, because "it's not the same without you Carter". He always knew how to make me feel better.
But Janet also stopped by every day, to check my vitals. Nothing more. Our exchange of words became more quiet as the days passed. I was bursting with the desire to take her hand and pull her close. Or maybe saying that the letter was a mistake. Anything, just anything to go back to the way it was before. Damnit Janet, why was it so hard for me to speak any kind of words to you? I knew what my heart wanted … why did I think I was wrong to put any words to it? Only afraid of losing you? Afraid of you saying "No"?
I was finally discharged from the infirmary. Regarding Janet, I made a great recovery and was fit again for duty.
So I went off – world again. And came back with injuries, as usual. She treated them, almost never speaking a word; only professional talk. I wished I had enough courage to talk to her, bring up the letter, but I didn't. But I was surprised as she never brought it up herself. She was never shy about words; but now it seemed she had lost the ability to speak. At least to me that was.
We had one more 'girls night'. I left early and remember thinking to myself "There was your chance Carter; and yet again you didn't bring it up." The whole evening was awkward.
I still come over at the Fraiser – house every Saturday, to play chess with Cassie. I noticed that Janet was out of the house every time, when normally she hung around, watching us play. She is avoiding you, big time!
One Saturday the weather was absolutely beautiful. As always, Cassie jumped in my arms as soon she opened the door. "Sam!" She hugged me real close. "Hey kiddo!" She took me by the hand and escorted me towards the garden. "I set up the game outside; the weather is too beautiful to be stuck inside, right?" She glanced at me with a big smile. I nodded and smiled back.
Once again, Janet wasn't there. Although I didn't expect her to be, I was still disappointed. As I entered the garden, I let my gaze wander around. She did a fine job on the garden; the flowers were blooming beautifully. Then my eye was caught by a movement, all the way in the back. There she was. Janet was sitting under a tree, with a book. For a moment I hesitated, I wanted to go over and talk to her, but Cassie was already sitting at the table, ready to get started kicking my ass in chess – as she always did.
After an hour, I started losing my focus on the game. With Janet sitting there within range, the thoughts kept swirling in my head. The lingering doubts taking a hold of me. I sighed.
"What is it Sam?" Cassie was always so perceptive. I looked up and stared at her for a moment, wondering if I should bring it up?
"How's your mom?"
She took a deep breath, hovering her piece over the board; made her move and then looked at me. "Distracted."
I felt my heart clench. "What do you mean 'distracted'?" Why did I feel the need to ask her about Janet? She was just a teenager.
"Sam …" Her tone was serious; too serious for her age. "What is going on?" She paused for a second "Mom is acting totally … like … weird …" She grasped my gaze. "What's up, Sam?"
Oh God … how could I come up with a good explanation for what was going on?
"You know … it's really hectic at work … we don't get much time to talk …"
"Yeah … mom said the same …" There was a tension hanging in the air " … but I don't believe her."
Too smart, I tell you
"Why not?"
"She's hiding something … and so are you …"
"I'm not hiding anything, Cassie"
"Yes you are. You are so tense when you come over. You and Mom are avoiding each other. Did you guys get into a fight or something?"
"Cass … I …" * sigh * "We see each other every day. We don't have that much to discuss when you're spending all this time together at work." Did I sound convincing enough? I saw her processing my words. "Are you sure Sam? Is that everything?"
"Yeah …" Well no! Ofcourse not! She read my letter and never spoke of it again. I'm tearing myself up! And above all … I miss her company …
We stayed together in silence for a while, when she suddenly said: "Checkmate!"
I startled, looking at the board and saw that she was right.
"Well, you beat me every time" I smiled at her. She giggled. "You know I'm awesome at this game" You, young lady, are one smart teenager; maybe too smart for your own good.
Restless nights and endless days. A good night of solid sleep became an option. Most of the time, I tossed and turned, falling into a restless sleep, waking up crying and screaming her name.
At base I avoided her as much as I could. For every post – mission physical I waited until she was busy with another team member or she was off duty. She didn't even seem to mind; she even seemed to make it happen.
We never talked anymore. She seemed to retreat further away from me; digging into a pile of work. And so was I. Every moment when I wasn't off – world, I spent in my lab, fidgeting with some new equipment, technologies or finishing up paper work. But I never managed a day without thinking about her. Images of her swirled through my mind. The quick glances she gave me whenever we passed each other in the hallway or the mess, kept haunting me. I became more and more distracted. I just couldn't focus anymore on anything. The nights became more haunting; less and less sleep. How was I supposed to live with this? I was neglecting my work and brought SG – 1 into danger by not paying attention. The Colonel snapped at me more than once "CARTER! For crying out loud! Get your head in the game!" He was so right. I was a million miles away, at every minute of the day.
I stayed late, working (or trying to) so I didn't have to go home and feel more alone than ever before.
When we came back from our latest mission, where everything went almost south because of me, the Colonel stomped off as soon as we got off the ramp. I knew he was angry at me; and once again: he was totally entitled to be.
I needed a good hot shower; clear my head; go to bed early; maybe take a sleeping pill or rather a good Scotch.
After the shower – that didn't feel as good as I wished it had – I stumbled into my office. So tired; exhausted. I slopped into my chair behind the desk and found a memo there; going out to all SG – personnel; it was calling for a meeting the next day, organized by … Janet? I sat there, puzzled. What was this about? Why did she wanted to see all SG – personnel all at once?
I let out a deep breath. Take it easy Carter; nothing to worry about; just … just … take … it … easy…
I got up, put on my civvies, went outside and closed the door. As I was walking through the halls, towards the elevator, I literally bumped into O'Neill. "S.. sorry Sir". He just looked at me with a very distracted gaze in his eyes. He didn't even seemed to notice who was talking to him. "… Carter …" he confirmed, like he was trying to put together a name and a face. There was a dark shimmer on his face. "Is everything alright Sir?"
He just stood there; looking at me; in silence. " … Yeah … yeah …" That didn't sound convincing.
He was about to walk away, when I said "Sir, about earlier … on the mission … I'm sorry for …" He cut me off. "It's alright, Carter. No harm done." With his gaze on his boots, he just walked away. That was weird. He never let me off without some kind of comment …
Because I wasn't going to find out now what that was all about, I headed for the surface, kicked my bike into gear and went home.
I caught no sleep last night. The drinks didn't help; the only thing it got me was a massive headache.
I already got to the mountain at 5 A.M.; unable to get some sleep I figured it would be better to just go to work. It was still 3 hours until the meeting Janet had called. I need to stay busy. I need to get my mind focused on something else. It didn't work tough. All I could thing about was hér. Scenarios kept running through my head about why she called that meeting. My stomach turned into a knot … actually a couple of knots. I tied myself up so much I felt like throwing up.
I started running diagnostics on some systems, just to keep busy. It was Daniel who knocked on the door. "Hi Sam; are you coming?"
I jerked my head up from my computer. "Huh?"
"Are you coming?" he repeated. When I didn't respond, he said "The meeting?"
I tried to sound casual "Oh yeah … forgot." I saw in his eyes that he wasn't buying it. I locked my computer and followed him to the debriefing room.
So many people here. Every time again I forgot how many people were actually working here.
The room felt silent when Janet entered. She wasn't at ease, I could tell. She was fumbling with her lab coat, clearing her throat.
"Well ..." she started off … "I don't want to do a big speech on this." That smile … "I gathered you all here because I have an announcement to make.". The air grew tense. Janet looked around the room. All of her med staff were there, as well as all the SG – teams. General Hammond was standing next to her, giving her a pat on the shoulder; encouraging her to speak further.
My muscles tensed up when she continued. "Due to some personal matters, I have decided … to leave the SGC."
People were stunned. Staring at her in disbelieve. I heard some people say "Oh my god … no ..."
I … I felt like I was hit with a hammer on the forehead. She was leaving because of me; without any more words, without warning me she was going to leave … taking Cassie with her... Tears were welling up. I felt the knot untangle, letting out all of the emotions. People starting to walk towards her, patting her on the shoulders, hugging her, wishing her the best and stuff like that. The only thing I could do was stare at her. In disbelieve. Hurt. Broken. I think she caught my eye for a moment; I saw the sadness in her face, but no "I'm sorry"-s, no warnings up front. The tears came on stronger and stronger; I was unable to hold them back. I had to leave. Run away Carter. Don't let her see you like this. The tears were spilling from my eyes. I saw that the Colonel was making his way through the crowd towards me. I didn't need his words, I just needed her. I took one last look at this woman I loved and adored so much, who was leaving me; then I turned on my heels and sped out of the room as fast as I could.
I never saw her after that.
I ran into my office, closing the door and sank down against it.
She was leaving … I couldn't grasp the reality of that. She was just leaving … me ...I gave her my heart and she just stepped on it. With brutal force. The tears came down in streaming, turning into sobs.
It was not much later that I heard a knock on the door. "Carter?" the Colonel. I didn't response. "Carter?" Then silence. Just go away! I wanted to shout at him to leave me the fuck alone.
"Look … Carter ..." his words were rasping. I knew that he was also having a hard time with this; althought he wasn't to fond of the post – mission physicals, he had grown fond of Janet over the years; he always saw her as an essential part of the team. "I … I don't know why, Carter." he paused. "If … if you want to talk … I would like you to know that I'm here .. or well yeah, not at this door per se, but here, you know ..." I just couldn't stop crying. "If you need a friendly word … I'm here." He stopped. A few seconds later I heard his footsteps fade into the hallway.
I couldn't stay here. I needed to get out, I needed air!
I grabbed my helmet and sped out. Clear your head Carter, clear .. your … head … Don't let it get to you! Well, that was easier said than done.
As soon as I reached the surface, I kicked my motor into gear and drove for miles, miles of lonely road.
When I got home, I just broke down.
The walls were coming at me, laughing at me, telling me that I was not worth it to stay around. The hurt was overwhelming and the tears kept coming. I cried myself to sleep, laying on the floor in the hallway.
"Command, this is O'Neil; please respond!" His voice had a frantic edge to it. "Command, this is O'Neill; come in!"
His radio stayed silent for a moment then cracked. "This is Command"
"We have a situation here …I need a med team stand by …"
It was a few months after she left. We were off – world on a trading mission. The locals had some valuable technology we could use in our fight against the Goa'uld; everything seemed to be going well, until a general of the military compound where we stayed, started to get greedy.
Before we realized it, we were caught up in a firefight, making our way back to the Gate as soon and fast as we could.
I was ducked behind a rock, reloading my gun and had strayed off slightly … That was something that was happening more and more frequently. My thoughts were not in place, my head was not 'in the game', as the Colonel had said. The more time that had passed since she left, the more difficulty I had in forgetting her. There was a constant aching I couldn't ignore. It was there, all the time; when I went to bed, when I got up, when I was working in the lab, when I was training, but worst off all also when I was off – world. I made me … less focused, unaware of things happening around me. The only thing my mind was busy with was regret and accusations directed at. I was the one who drove Janet away. I was the one who was stupid enough to think she could love me back. And now I was the one filled up with emotions and guilt, never catching any decent night of sleep. There was only one way I could make the pain numb for a while, and that was a good glass of Scotch… My mind was on that glass of Scotch; all I wanted at this very moment was a drink; a solid drink to numb out every thought, every feeling and all the pain I was causing myself. Why I stood up, away from the cover, walking towards the Gate and ignoring the shots coming from the enemy, I still don't know; but I did.
Unaware of my movements, I turned on my heels when the Colonel screamed at me "CARTER! What are you doing!? GET BACK HERE ASAP!" It was too late when I realized I was out of cover … a couple of bullets hit me right in the chest, inches above the staffblast wound. I wore a vest, but one bullet got through. The pain shots through my body, accompanied by a flashback on the time when I got wounded by the staffblast and Janet yelling at me "I will not leave you behind!" I sank down to the ground, turned to my side; too numb to move or even stop the bleeding. The only thing I saw was Janet. How I wished she was here … Wounded again … I needed her … I screamed, as loud as my lungs would let me "JANEEEEET!" and started crying, in a hurried, frantic haze. Then the world turned black …
I didn't even protest when General Hammond sent me home for some long overdue leave. Three weeks … three weeks alone in that house. The nurses patched me up good to go and gave me some pills to take the edge off. I need something else, something more to take the edge off… On my way home, I stopped at the local bar, downing a couple of shots. My nerves seemed to settle for a while; long enough to get to the grocery store and buy myself a whole bottle of Scotch.
I filled my days with dozing off on the couch, ordering some take – out, watching TV and drinking. The pain in my chest never faded, so I downed more pills than I should. When I slept – if I slept – I tossed and turned; reliving ever moment that had passed since the staff blast. I never made it to bed; it felt like it was cold there, very dark and alone. So most of the times I fell asleep on the couch, with the TV still on.
In the distance I heard a knock on the door. I grumped and turned over. Again a knock. I got up, twitching when the pain from my chest sent chills down my spine. Again a knock. "Yeah yeah … I'm coming" I yelled at the unwanted visitor. I ran a hand through my hair, while walking towards the door.
"Hi Sam" his voice was silent, almost inaudible. My vision was blurred by my massive headache. "Daniel …"
"Can I come in?"
"Yeah, whatever"
Just go away Daniel; I don't need you here, I don't need anybody here … except for … I cut off my own thoughts.
"What do you want Daniel?"
He turned around and took me in from head to toe. "How are you Sam?"
I shrugged. "You know … so and so" I didn't return his gaze; instead I placed myself on the couch, knees pulled up; starting at my TV.
"How's the wound? You're still in pain?" Keep calm, Carter. You know he means well. He is just worried about you. "Yeah, the pain won't go away, but hey, I have painkillers for that" I said with a very optimistic smile.
"Oh, that's good …" he threw me a faint smile. "And how are you, Sam?"
"Me?" I sighed. I so much needed someone to talk to, to let out all of these feelings, but I was not quite sure if Daniel was the one to do that with. "I'm .. okay … I guess …"
"You sure?" I nodded; not as convincing as I wanted it to be, but I had to do it. The air between us grew tense; only the sounds of the TV were pouring through.
He cleared his throat. "Have you … eum … heard Janet recently?"
Bang! There was that hammer to the face again. I stopped breathing. My heart stopped pounding; I felt like I was suffocating. My bottom lip started shaking, tears were welling up. I started rocking back and forth; unable to control my movements. Over time I felt that was one of the things that helped calm down my nerves when Janet popped into my head. This was not happening. I could not. I didn't wanted to show how much she had hurt me; how – after all these months – could her leaving still be affected me so much.
"Sam?" he moved over and put a hand on my shoulder; I jerked away, sprung up from the couch and went for the kitchen. I needed a glass, big time. I poured myself a drink and took a couple of deep breaths. I downed the first glass in one big gulp and then poured myself another drink. I startled when Daniel turned up behind me "Sam? … Are you … drinking … ? It's …" he looked at his watch "only 9 AM"
I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to compose myself, but I lost that internal battle …
"I … I need this Daniel"
"Why?"
"I just …the days are hard … I can't … just can't Daniel"
"Can't what, Sam?" Again he put a hand on my shoulders. I sighed. My feelings were untangling, releasing the tears; more tears, there was never an end to them.
"Oh Sam …" The sobs grew louder and louder; I couldn't control them. He took me into an intense hug.
"Talk to me, Sam…" And so I did … Everything, from the point where I met Janet to how I felt about her now.
When I was finished I curled up on the couch again, Daniel sitting next to me. My head was pounding, my eyes were swollen red.
"Sam …" he hesitated .. "Really, I had no idea … I mean … I knew something was going on ... but not this"
I focused on my breathing, taking control over my emotions again. "I just can not handle this anymore, Daniel. I feel drained all the time. I'm so tired, but I can't sleep. I just sit here, watching TV all day long, just because I can not focus on anything else … all I think about is …" I broke off my sentence and gazed intensely at my own feet
" … is Janet" Daniel filled in. I nodded. I'm a liability to the team, to myself, to everybody around me. "I need to be alone now, Daniel" ..
"Sam, I'm not leaving you like this … you should get some help"
"Please … " I begged him "Please … I just need time …" I looked at him, saw the worry on his face. I don't want him to be worried about me. I have to fight through this on my own.
He gave me a kiss on the forehead and then stood up. "You call me anytime you want, okay?" A silent nod. Then he left. I was alone again; alone with my thoughts.
I refilled my glass and downed it. After that I drank straight from the bottle. Why should I care?
I woke up to the sound of my cell phone. I reached for it and saw Daniel's name appear on the screen. Not now.
It had been a week since he was here; a week since we spoken, a week since I poured out all of my feelings. And a week in which I ignored all of his phone calls. He had stopped by a couple of times, but I never answered the door. I just wanted to be alone, wanted to drown in my own sorrow. I started to sleep more hours, but always restless. My dreams – or nightmares – were getting more persistent. It was the same, every time I closed my eyes: I could feel the heat from the staff blast and could see Janet snapping at me "I will not leave you behind". After that my dreams turned towards the moments I was alone on the planet, the doubts that lingered in my head on whether to leave behind the note or not. Then I always saw her face; the glance she gave me at the meeting; the distance that had grown between us. I always jolted awake with a scream, the words bitter in my mouth, tears rolling down my face "No Janet! Please don't go!"
I had spent most of the day pacing around the house, sipping on my drink and taking the pain meds. I felt miserably. I drank my hangovers away and replaced them with new ones; today was no different.
I knew, deep down, that I needed to take control of my life again; but the idea of going back to the mountain, being confronted with her lingering presence, was knocking me of my feet.
An episode from "The Simpsons" was taking my mind away for a while, when I startled at a knock on the door. Damnit, Daniel was one persistent guy. A second knock followed. Oh come on Daniel, why won't you leave me alone? I got up from the couch and opened the door. The air was being squeezed out of my lungs when I looked at the back of a small brunette, instead of in the face of Daniel.
"Janet?" I managed. She stopped in her pace and then turned around. She took me in for a moment; her eyes were scooting over my body; I just stared into her eyes. I couldn't believe she was here; on my front porch.
"Can I come in?" she asked. What was I to do? I wanted this so much for so long, but now that she was here, I didn't know how to react. You have nothing to lose anymore, Carter. So I opened the door and let her in.
She settled in the armchair opposite of my position; I pulled my knees up to my chin and focused on the TV. I didn't know what to say to her. The hurt and the sadness had pushed away all of the words I had rehearsed in my mind. How could I start to describe how I felt, how she left my behind .. torn … I was so caught up in my thoughts, that I tensed up when she said my name. I tried to keep my eyes fixed on a point in front of me, without seeing anything.
She walked over and knelt in front of me, putting a hand on my thigh; I thought I would explode with conflicting emotions.
"Sam, I …" she stopped. Why? "I …" she sighed. She was never speechless; in all those years I had known her, she always found a way to speak her mind. I could feel the hesitation in her touch, in her words. I could not wait any longer; I needed to know.
"I don't understand, Janet.". My voice cracked while tears were running down my face again. "Why did you go?" That was what I really wanted to know. "Was it wrong of me to write you that letter?" I blurted out all of my emotions. "Because I would take it all back if it meant that you would stay"
I spooked her with those words; she jerked her head up and locked onto my eyes.
"Oh my god Sam, no, No … it was not wrong …" she spoke quickly.
"Then why?"
"Sam, I don't know what to say … " again, hesitation … "I thought I made the right decision …"
"It didn't feel right to me …" after all this time I thought I would be angry at her, but I just couldn't be. The look on her face was filled with regret.
"I'm so sorry, Sam, I…" She was crying; my heart clenched. " … I … was afraid of losing you after … after …" She started crying more intensely. I just wanted to hold her, couldn't stand that this beautiful woman was crying. But then suddenly she stood up and ran out of the door. I was puzzled for a moment. What was that about? I ran after her, but halted on my front porch as she was already in her car, speeding of.
What was she doing? She was here, clearly wanted to talk, but when we did, she seemed to freeze on her words.
My confusion about her reaction, cleared my head. I ran upstairs, took a shower and put on some clean clothes. I locked up the house and got in my car.
My heart was pounding heavily in my chest as I knocked on the door.
Cassie opened "Sam!" A big smile on her face; she almost jumped into my arms. "Hey kiddo! How are you doing?"
"Great!" She pulled me inside and then caught me in a hug. "It's great to see you again" she said.
"Likewise kiddo" This felt really good. It wasn't until this moment that I realized how much I had missed her.
"Hey Sam, are you in for a game of chess? It's been a long time that" she gave me a hopefull look.
"Eum … not right now …is eum, your mom here?"
I saw a flicker of disappointment in her eyes, but then she smiled again "No, she's not here."
"Oh … eum …" If she was not here, then were was she? I assumed that she would drive home. "Well … than I will take you up on that game of chess"
She almost bounced off the walls as she was running into the living room the set up the game.
I could hardly focus; thoughts were bouncing around in my head. Where was she? I felt the need to hold her, so much. I wanted to talk to her; explain my feelings, the reasons why I wrote her that letter.
It wasn't until two hours later that we heard some stumbling at the door; Cassie and I exchanged a puzzled look. When Cassie opened the door, Janet stumbled in. I heard Cassie yell out "Mom!" in surprise. I turned on the couch, facing towards the hallway. I heard some mumbling between the two women.
Then Cassie and Janet entered the living room. "Yeah … Sam's here …" Cassie was supporting Janet, who was having a hard time staying on her feet. She was drunk. Oh Janet … I walked towards her, supporting her on her way to the couch. While Janet was trying to get off her jacket, Cassie took me aside. "Sam, I have to go to sleep, need to get up early. Will you take care of her?" She threw a worried gaze at Janet …"Maybe …also talk to her?"
As Cassie left the room, I returned to the place where Janet was sitting. I placed myself beside her, wanting to sit closer, but I forced myself to leave a bit of space between us. Janet hung her head close to her chest. Where those tears I saw in her eyes? She was not speaking; only staring intensely at the ground. When she looked up, she locked on to my eyes. Hers were so deep dark brown that I lost myself in them just like every time. A shiver ran down my spine, uncontrollably loosening up my tensed muscles. I had never seen her like this: drunk, fragile and so many unspoken words in her eyes.
"I …" She sighed; the air had grown heavy between us. "I don't deserve you, Sam" Her tongue was thick, but the emotions in her words were so clear to me. She regrets the decisions she made. She is tearing herself up. I opened my mouth to speak, but she cut me off: "You were always the brave one. You were the first to admit what you felt; I never dared to do that. Always over thinking everything. You gave your heart to me and I just crushed it. While I just should've kissed you, I ran, as far away as I could … I …" the words came out in a flood. I couldn't move, couldn't speak. As much as I wanted the words to be spoken, I've never expected them to be. She fell silent for a little while. I let the words sink in; my heart was beating fast and was definitely jumping around in my chest.
"I'm so sorry Sam; I never meant to put you through all of this …" She didn't look at me, but I saw the tears falling from her eyes.
I had spent so many nights lying awake, rehearsing conversations in my head; things I wanted to say to her; but for now I was lost. The deepness of the emotions that were circulating around is, was so intense that I didn't know what to do with myself; all together not even what to say to her.
she stood up from the couch, on unsteady feet. There was a fear on her face, an urge to get away from this. I grabbed her hand …"Please Jan, don't run again" She looked at me, with red circled eyes and hesitate for a bit; finally she sat herself down again. Why do you want to keep running from me? I'm here Jan, I'm here for you and you alone.
I needed to touch her, feel her, let her know that it was all going to be alright now, because she was here. I trailed my hands to her face, cupping it. "If you feel the same way Janet …" I paused, waiting for some kind of response. She leaned into my touch, closing her eyes for a moment. When she opened them again she spoke the three words I longed to hear for all this time: "I do Sam"
I couldn't stop the smile from appearing on my face; my heart filled with butterflies, beating a steady fast rhythm.
"I …" She cut me off with really the softest, sweetest kiss on my lips; she cupped my face, pulling me closer for more. I sank into the embrace, letting go off all the fears and doubts; just being here with Janet was more than I could ever hoped for.