Author's idiotisms: I think Caliborn's Stories are becoming a pastime for me while I gather ideas for my actual stories.

WHAT'S THIS. YOU WANT MORE FROM ME? UNBELIEVABLE. WELL. GET SEATED. AND PREPARE. FOR THE COMMENCATION. OF YET ANOTHER. CALIBORN PRODUCTIONS STORY.

HERE GOES.

PORTAL. THE SERIES.

BEFORE I BEGIN THOUGH. I MUST SAY THAT. PORTAL LOVES ITS BACKSTORY. AND MORE SADLY. IT ACTUALLY BECOMES RELEVANT. TO THE REAL STORY. SO IT WILL HAVE TO BE DEALT WITH SOME WAY.

BUT FOR THE FIRST GAME. "PORTAL 1." YOU ONLY NEED TO KNOW ABOUT TWO BEINGS. HENCEFORTH I WILL NAME THEM. HUMAN BITCH. AND COMPUTER BITCH.

ALREADY SEE. HOW THE STORY IS DECLINING. TO INCOMPREHENSION. THERE ARE ABSOLUTELY NO MALES. NOT EVEN IN LITTLE REFERENCES. IT'S ALWAYS. "BRING YOUR DAUGHTER TO WORK DAY." OR. "SELF-ESTEEM FUND FOR GIRLS." OR A CALENDAR. "THE GIRLS OF APERTURE SCIENCE." YOU CAN'T HAVE A STORY WITH JUST BITCHES. SOME MALES NEED TO TAKE THE LEAD.

ANYWAY. THE STORY GOES. THAT COMPUTER BITCH HAD A LABORATORY. IN WHICH SHE TESTED HUMANS.

YES. HUMANS. THAT'S THE LOGICAL CONCLUSION. THAT I CAME TO AFTER WATCHING THE LET'S PLAY OF THE GAME. THE TESTS SUPPOSEDLY REVOLVE AROUND THE. "APERTURE SCIENCE HANDHELD PORTAL DEVICE." (WHICH IS A CHEAP RIPOFF. OF THE WEAPON THE ROXY HUMAN MADE. IN THE OBSERVED SESSION. THE BETTY CROCKER HANDHELD FENESTRATED WALL DEVICE.) BUT THE TESTS ARE NOT FOR THE PORTAL DEVICE. THE POINT IS. TO MAKE HUMANS BE TESTED. AND SEE WHEN THEY FAIL.

ANYWAY. SO AMONG THE PEOPLE. THAT COMPUTER BITCH TESTED. WAS HUMAN BITCH.

HUMAN BITCH. WAS PRETTY GOOD AT THESE TESTS. IN LATER PARTS. YOU COULD ACTUALLY DIE. BY VARIOUS CONTRAPTIONS. LIKE GLOWING BALLS. OR TURRETS. OR ACID PITS. BUT HUMAN BITCH CARRIED ON. AND COMPLETED ALL TWENTY TEST CHAMBERS. FROM 00 TO 19. (SO MAYBE. THIS IS ACTUALLY. CALIBORN'S STORY 1. AND THE CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY ONE. IS CALIBORN'S STORY 0. OR MAYBE HOMOSUCK. IS CALIBORN'S STORY 0. BEFORE I DECIDED. TO SIMPLY DESTROY. EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF HUMAN FICTION. THAT HAS EVER EXISTED. I NEED TO STOP THINKING. ABOUT THIS IRRELEVANT DETAIL.)

BUT COMPUTER BITCH. STILL DECIDED. THAT HUMAN BITCH NEEDS TO DIE. AND DROPPED HER IN A FIRE. BUT HUMAN BITCH. WAS NOTHING IF NOT STUBBORN. AND SURVIVED. AND CARRIED ON. HAVING ESCAPED THE TEST CHAMBERS. THROUGH COMPUTER BITCH'S LABORATORY.

EVENTUALLY. IN A WAY I CAN'T EXPLAIN. HUMAN BITCH. ENDED UP FINDING COMPUTER BITCH. AND HERE THE STORY FINALLY TOOK ON A CLIMAX. COMPUTER BITCH. WAS NOTHING IF NOT A PROFESSIONAL. AT KILLING PEOPLE. SINCE SHE HAD MURDERED. EVERYONE ELSE IN THE LABORATORY. VIA DEADLY NEUROTOXIN. AND WAS READY. TO KILL HUMAN BITCH.

BUT HUMAN BITCH. WAS NOTHING IF NOT A PROFESSIONAL. AT AVOIDING DEATH. SO SHE FUCKING SMASHED COMPUTER BITCH APART. KILLING HER. AND LEVELED THE LABORATORY. ONLY TO BE TAKEN BACK TO IT. BY SOME OTHER ROBOT.

UGH. NOW ALREADY? WHATEVER. ANYWAY. NOW LET'S GO TO. THE BACKSTORY.

TURNS OUT. COMPUTER BITCH WASN'T ALWAYS A COMPUTER. INSTEAD. SHE WAS THE HUMAN MATE. OF A MALE. NAMED CAVE JOHNSON.

CAVE JOHNSON. WAS PRETTY MUCH. THIS STORY'S WILLY WONKA. EXCEPT INSTEAD OF A CHOCOLATE FACTORY. HE MADE A SCIENCE LABORATORY. PRESUMABLY BECAUSE. HIS FATHER WANTED HIM TO REMAIN A DUMB SHIT. OR SOMETHING. AND CAVE JUST FUCKING KILLED HIM. AND FOUNDED A SCIENCE LABORATORY.

EXCEPT. IT WASN'T ORIGINALLY A SCIENCE LABORATORY. IT WAS ORIGINALLY. A SHOWER CURTAIN MANUFACTURER. I STILL HAVE NO IDEA. WHAT HUMAN SHOWER CURTAINS ARE. AND WHO CARES. FOR ALL EVERYONE CARES. CAVE MADE A SCIENCE LABORATORY. AND LIVED THERE HAPPILY. WITH HIS HUMAN MATE "CAROLINE". AND HIS EMPLOYEES. AND THE TEST SUBJECTS. (IT WAS CAVE'S IDEA. TO WATCH HUMANS FAIL AT STUFF.)

THE TEST SUBJECTS. HAD CHANGED OVER TIME. ORIGINALLY. THEY WERE OLYMPIC CHAMPIONS. WAR HEROES. AND ASTRONAUTS. BUT HE HAD KILLED THEM ALL. AND GOTTEN INTO A SCANDAL OVER IT.

SO THEN. THE TEST SUBJECTS BECAME SOCIAL OUTCASTS. LIKE HOBOS. MENTAL PATIENTS. AND ORPHANS. AND HE EVEN GAVE THEM. SIXTY HUMAN DOLLARS. TO PARTICIPATE IN THE TESTS. BUT EVENTUALLY. THOSE IN THE VICINITY. HAD RUN OUT TOO.

SO LASTLY. THE TEST SUBJECTS BECAME THE EMPLOYEES. OF CAVE'S GODDAMN SCIENCE LABORATORY. BUT THEN. ANOTHER PROBLEM CAME.

CAVE WAS NEARLY DYING. FROM MOON ROCK POISONING. AND HAD ORDERED. TO MAKE A COMPUTER. BASED ON HIM. BECAUSE THE SCIENCE LABORATORY. DIDN'T HAVE A QUEST BED. WHAT A TROUPE. OF FUCKING NOOBS.

BUT THEY RAN OUT OF TIME. AND CAVE DIED. SO INSTEAD. THEY MADE CAVE'S HUMAN MATE. TO THE AFOREMENTIONED COMPUTER BITCH. BUT COMPUTER BITCH. KILLED ALL THE EMPLOYEES. AND NO ONE EVER HAD RECOUNT. OF CAVE AND HIS "AWESOMENESS."

WHICH LEADS TO HUMAN BITCH. AND HOW SHE KILLED COMPUTER BITCH.

ANYWAY. THANK GOD THE BACKSTORY IS OVER. NOW WE CAN MOVE ON TO. PORTAL 2.

THANKFULLY. IN THIS VERSION. MALES HAD ACTUALLY TAKEN ON THE STORY. BEGINNING WITH THIS ONE FINE. ROBOT FELLOW. CALLED THE INTELLIGENCE DAMPENING SPHERE. BUT THAT IS TOO CUMBERSOME. AND THE ACRONYM "IDS" IS TOO UGLY. SO INSTEAD. THEY DECIDED. THAT HIS NAME SHOULD BE WHEATLEY. (WHO THE FUCK ARE THEY? DON'T ASK ME.)

THE THING WITH WHEATLEY. WAS THAT HE WAS A MORON. NO MATTER HOW MUCH HE WOULD DENY IT. AND HAD MADE. SOME PRETTY STUPID DECISIONS OVER TIME. SO THEY TUCKED HIM ONTO. THIS ONE PLACE.

ALLOW ME TO CONNECT THE DOTS HERE. WITH THE HUMAN BITCH. SHE WAS BROUGHT TO THE LABORATORY. TO SOME SLEEPING CHAMBER. AND THE CHAMBER. WAS LOOKED OVER BY WHEATLEY. BUT THEN. HUNDREDS OF YEARS HAD PASSED. AND HUMANITY BECAME EXTINCT. SO THERE WAS ONLY THE HUMAN BITCH. AND SOME ROBOTS.

ANYWAY. SO WHEATLEY WOKE THE FUCKING HUMAN BITCH UP. AND LED HER TO ANOTHER SERIES OF TESTS. JUST TO INTRODUCE HER. "WELCOME TO THE FUTURE. ALL HUMANS ARE DEAD. BUT OUR LABORATORY IS STILL UP. AND YOU WILL STILL BE DOING TESTS. GOOD RIDDANCE. AND FUCK YOU. tumut"

THESE TESTS. RAN OUT QUICKER. I THINK THEY MADE IT TO 9 OR SOMETHING. BEFORE WHEATLEY SHOWED UP AGAIN. AND LED THE HUMAN BITCH OUT. TO WHERE THE COMPUTER BITCH RESTED.

BUT THERE. WHEATLEY HAD MADE THE FIRST BAD DECISION. HE DECIDED. TO WAKE COMPUTER BITCH UP. SO COMPUTER BITCH. GOT RID OF WHEATLEY. AND THREW THE HUMAN BITCH OUT. TO ANOTHER SERIES OF TESTS. WHILE SHE FIXED THE TESTS. AFTER HUNDREDS OF YEARS OF DECAY. SO THAT THEY COULD BE USABLE AGAIN. FOREVER AND EVER.

BUT ALAS. ONE MAJOR MORAL OF PORTAL 2. IS THAT NOTHING LASTS FOREVER AND EVER. AND THESE TESTS RAN OUT. TO MAYBE TWENTY-SOMETHING? MAN. FUCK NUMBERS. THE MORE IMPORTANT THING. IS HOW THEY ENDED.

TURNS OUT. WHEATLEY WAS CRUSHED. BUT NOT QUITE DEAD. AND WAS FIXED. BY A BIRD. AND SO. HE ONCE AGAIN COMMENCED HIS TERRIBLE DECISION SHOW. AND BROKE HUMAN BITCH OUT OF TESTS. TO MEET COMPUTER BITCH AGAIN.

BUT AT THIS TIME. WHEATLEY HAD MADE A GOOD DECISION. HE SHUT OFF THE NEUROTOXIN. AND THE TURRETS. SO COMPUTER BITCH COULDN'T KILL THEM.

SO ANYWAY. WHEATLEY AND HUMAN BITCH MET COMPUTER BITCH. AND COMPUTER BITCH WAS LIKE. "AW HELL NAW NOW I HAVE TO INVENT A NEW WAY TO KILL YOU." WHEN THE OVERARCHING SYSTEM. DECIDED THAT COMPUTER BITCH WAS CORRUPT. AND NEEDED REPLACEMENT. SO WHAT HUMAN BITCH COULD DO. SHE REPLACED COMPUTER BITCH WITH WHEATLEY. AND FOR AN ENCORE. WHEATLEY INSTALLED COMPUTER BITCH. INTO A POTATO.

BUT THEN. HIS IDIOCY STRUCK AGAIN. AND HE KNOCKED THE POTATO COMPUTER BITCH AND THE HUMAN BITCH. INTO BACKSTORY LAND.

THIS BACKSTORY LAND. STILL HAD MORE GODDAMN TESTS. BECAUSE THEY DATE BACK. TO CAVE JOHNSON'S TIMES. AND THERE WAS MORE. "CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT." BECAUSE ONCE SHE WAS A POTATO. COMPUTER BITCH HAD GOTTEN AROUND. TO ACTUALLY LIKING HUMAN BITCH. FOR ONE MAJOR REASON.

WHICH THUS LEADS US OUT OF BACKSTORY LAND. AND INTO WHEATLEY'S VERSION OF THE SCIENCE LABORATORY. WHERE HE HAD COMBINED. TURRETS AND CUBES. TO MAKE CUBES. THAT WOULD BE ABLE TO WALK ON BUTTONS. EXCEPT THEY DIDN'T. AND THE TEST WAS NEVER COMPLETED. UNTIL HUMAN BITCH AND POTATO COMPUTER BITCH RETURNED.

(MAN. POTATO COMPUTER BITCH IS TOO CUMBERSOME. AND I CAN'T SAY "PCB". THE WAY I COULDN'T SAY "IDS". SO INSTEAD. SHE'LL SIMPLY BE POTATO BITCH.)

SO WHEATLEY. FINALLY DISCOVERED THAT POTATO BITCH AND HUMAN BITCH HAD MADE A RETURN. AND INSTEAD DECIDED. THAT THEY SHOULD BE TESTED. INSTEAD OF THE TURRET CUBES. BECAUSE THERE IS ONE THING. THAT HE WAS PROGRAMMED WITH. THE NEED TO TEST. BECAUSE THE LOOP OF STUPIDITY. THAT THE ENTIRE SCIENCE LABORATORY IS LOCKED IN. SIMPLY CAN'T BE BROKEN.

BUT TURNS OUT. WHEATLEY COULDN'T CREATE TESTS FOR SHIT. AND INSTEAD. HE STOLE THE TESTS. THAT POTATO BITCH HAD MADE. WHILE SHE WAS STILL COMPUTER BITCH. AND OFTEN DID UNRULY THINGS. LIKE SLAMMING TWO TESTS TOGETHER INTO ONE.

AND ALSO. WHEATLEY COULDN'T MANAGE THE SCIENCE LABORATORY FOR SHIT. AND IT WAS AT RISK. OF NUCLEAR MELTDOWN. BUT LUCKILY. HUMAN BITCH AND POTATO BITCH WERE FINALLY FRIENDS. AND COULD TAKE WHEATLEY OUT.

SO WHEATLEY. HAD MADE THE SAME MISTAKE AS COMPUTER BITCH ALL THE WAY BACK IN PORTAL 1. AND WANTED TO KILL HUMAN BITCH. BUT HUMAN BITCH AND POTATO BITCH ESCAPED. AND GOT TO WHERE WHEATLEY WAS.

THE POINT OF DEALING WITH WHEATLEY. SO THAT HE WOULD BE CORRUPT ENOUGH. IS TO ATTACH THESE MODULES TO HIM.

I APOLOGIZE FOR NOT MENTIONING MODULES ALL THE WAY UP TO THIS POINT. SO I WILL START NOW.

MODULES WERE THESE THINGS. THAT YOU COULD ATTACH ONTO STUFF. AND IT WOULD DO SHIT. THEY ARE AS FOLLOWS. THE CAROLINE BITCH WAS MADE INTO A MODULE. WHICH WAS THEN ATTACHED ONTO SOME FRAMEWORK. TO MAKE COMPUTER BITCH. (BUT YOU COULD ATTACH ANYTHING ELSE. LIKE WHEATLEY.)

THEN. BACK IN PORTAL 1. COMPUTER BITCH HAD FOUR MORE MODULES ON HER. A MORALITY MODULE. A CURIOSITY MODULE. A CAKE RECIPE MODULE. AND A MODULE THAT DIDN'T DO SHIT EXCEPT GROWL. BUT THEY WERE ALL DESTROYED. BY THE HUMAN BITCH.

AND FINALLY. RIGHT HERE IN THE STORY. THREE MORE MODULES HAD SHOWN UP. A MODULE THAT KEEPS TALKING ABOUT SPACE. A MODULE THAT LIKES ADVENTURE. AND A MODULE THAT SPITS FACTS. MAN. THESE FACTS ARE REALLY GOOD. FOR ME TO LEARN ABOUT HUMANS. LIKE DID YOU KNOW? THAT HUMANS. ARE ACTUALLY. NOT THE MOST INTELLIGENT SPECIES ON THEIR PLANET. INSTEAD. WHALES. ARE TWICE AS INTELLIGENT. AND THREE TIMES AS DELICIOUS.

BUT UNFORTUNATELY. WHALES DO NOT PRODUCE SHIT. FOR ME TO RIFF. SO INSTEAD. I'M TAKING ON HUMAN SHIT. "WHALE." TO USE. A SO-CALLED "PUN." LET'S MOVE ON.

SO HUMAN BITCH. ATTACHED THESE THREE MODULES ONTO HIM. AND HE FINALLY NEEDED REPLACEMENT. BUT HE RESISTED REPLACEMENT. BY SLAMMING OFF THE BUTTON THAT HAS TO BE PRESSED. FOR A REPLACEMENT TO HAPPEN. THE "STALEMATE RESOLUTION BUTTON." SO HUMAN BITCH AND POTATO BITCH. NEEDED ANOTHER WAY TO GET RID OF HIM.

AND HUMAN BITCH CAME UP WITH A PLAN. SHE HIT ONE PORTAL AT THE MOON. AND THE OTHER AT WHEATLEY. AND WHEATLEY WAS SUCKED. INTO SPACE. ALMOST TAKING HUMAN BITCH WITH HIM. BUT LUCKILY. HUMAN BITCH WAS RESCUED BY POTATO BITCH. WHILE SHE ALSO. GOT HERSELF BACK INTO THE MAINFRAME. AND BECAME COMPUTER BITCH AGAIN.

AND FINALLY. IN THE EPILOGUE. IT TURNED OUT. THAT CAROLINE WAS JUST A FILE. THAT COMPUTER BITCH DELETED. AND FINALLY BECAME FULLY HERSELF. AND BECAUSE HUMAN BITCH. HAD ACTUALLY HELPED COMPUTER BITCH. COMPUTER BITCH. DECIDED NOT TO TEST HUMAN BITCH. AND LET HER OUT. TO A WHEAT FIELD. WHILE WHEATLEY. AND ONE OF THE MODULES. (THE ONE THAT TALKS ABOUT SPACE). WERE STRANDED IN SPACE. FOREVER.

THE END?

NOPE. YOU WISH. THERE IS ONE MORE PART TO THE SAGA OF SHITTINESS. LET'S TURN TO. PORTAL 2. THE CO-OP MODE.

AS WAS MENTIONED. HUMAN BITCH. WAS THE LAST HUMAN ON THE PLANET. SO NOW. THAT SHE WAS GONE. IT WAS ONLY ROBOTS. AND IN PARTICULAR. COMPUTER BITCH TESTED. THESE TWO ROBOTS. ONE MALE. ONE FEMALE.

AT THIS POINT. I COULD CALL THEM. ROBOT MALE AND ROBOT BITCH. BUT I'D RATHER NOT. SINCE THEY ARE ALWAYS A PAIR. SO INSTEAD. THEY ARE GOING TO BE THE TWO ROBOTS.

PARTLY. COMPUTER BITCH WAS USING THE TWO ROBOTS. FOR TESTS. TO SATISFY THE NEED FOR TESTS. THAT IS MORE ETERNAL. THAN HUMANITY. APPARENTLY. BUT PARTLY. SHE NEEDED ROBOTS. TO ACCESS PLACES. THAT SHE COULDN'T ACCESS HERSELF. SEEING AS. SHE'S A GIANT SLUGGISH COMPUTER. AND COULDN'T DO IT HERSELF. THESE VARIED. FROM ACTIVATING DIFFERENT PARTS OF THE SCIENCE LABORATORY. SO THAT TESTS COULD BE USED. MORE EFFECTIVELY. TO REVEALING A VAULT. OF FROZEN HUMANS. THAT COMPUTER BITCH COULD TEST. THUS. ELIMINATING THE NEED FOR ROBOTS.

OKAY. MAYBE NOW'S THE END.

WELL TO THAT I SAY. NOPE. THE ETERNAL TEST. OF YOUR MIND. UNTIL IT BENDS TO A PRETZEL. CONTINUES. WITH SOMETHING CALLED. PORTAL 2. PEER REVIEW.

ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND YEARS HAVE PASSED.

WAIT. NO. IT'S NOT ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND YEARS. INSTEAD. IT'S FIFTY THOUSAND YEARS.

WAIT. NOPE AGAIN. IT'S NOT FIFTY THOUSAND YEARS EITHER. INSTEAD. IT'S ONE WEEK. MAN. ONE WEEK IS A VERY DISTANT TIME.

ANYWAY. ONE WEEK HAS PASSED. AND THE ETERNAL LOOP OF TESTS. HAS FINALLY BEEN BROKEN. INSTEAD. THEY ARE NOW. ART EXHIBITS. THAT THE TWO ROBOTS GO THROUGH. NOT TESTING. NOPE.

ANYWAY. SO THE TWO ROBOTS. ARE ONCE AGAIN EMPLOYED. TO LOOK AT WHAT THE HELL. IS HAPPENING WITH THE SCIENCE LABORATORY. TURNS OUT. ALL THOSE STORED HUMANS ARE DEAD. AND SOMEONE IS BACK.

BUT THAT SOMEONE. IS NOT THE HUMAN BITCH. I MEAN. IT'S BEEN ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND YEARS. THE HUMAN BITCH IS NOW DEAD.

INSTEAD. IT'S A BIRD. THAT HAS BEEN MESSING WITH THE SCIENCE LABORATORY. AND ALL THE TWO ROBOTS NEED TO DO. IS SHOO IT. AND COMPUTER BITCH. DECIDES TO LOOK AFTER. THE BIRD'S EGGS.

AND HERE. THE SHITTINESS OF THE ENTIRE STORY FINALLY UNVEILS. LIKE A CORNUCOPIA. THAT BEGAN. WHEN I AND CALLIOPE WERE BORN. AND CALLIOPE DECIDED. SHE COULD RUIN MY LIFE.

SEE HOW. THE BABY BIRDS ARE GOING TO GROW UP. AND GO ON A FINAL MISSION? WELL. TURNS OUT. YOU ARE HAVING NONE OF THIS. SEEING AS THE STORY. HAS FINALLY REACHED.

THE END.

THE ENDING. IN ALL CASES. IS GOING TO BE THE SAME. SO I'LL JUST COPY AND PASTE IT.

"LEAVE ME SUGGESTIONS. ON WHAT STORY. I SHOULD BE TAKING ON NEXT. I MEAN. I AM AN EXPERT ON THIS. I WILL HANDLE THIS.

FAREWELL. BITCHES AND ASSHOLES.

tumut"