"What?! Have you lost your mind?!"

"Do shush, Severus. You'll wake the baby."

"I will not be shu - "

Hagrid hissed at him. In the half-giant's arms the dark-haired toddler stirred and whimpered.

"I will not be shushed," Severus said more quietly. "You've gone mad. Utterly mad."

Dumbledore nodded his head, beaming happily. "You see? Even you have trouble believing it, and you're here to hear the master plan. No one else would ever believe a word of it."

"I don't believe a word of it," muttered Severus.

"The destroyer of Lord Voldemort vanishes with no witnesses, snatched away to who knows where. Albus Dumbledore, driven nearly mad with wrath, lashes out at the traitor in his midst and destroys him utterly - "

"Excuse me?"

Dumbledore fluttered his fingers at Severus, as though brushing away his concern. "Oh don't worry so, Severus. Of course I won't destroy you utterly."

Severus rolled his eyes. "Well, so long as it's not utterly that's all right right then no wait no it's not."

"I'll simply Transfigure a hog carcass into your likeness - "

"Hog's a good choice," Hagrid looked up briefly from the child nested safely in the crook of his huge arm. "Near enough to man-flesh as is."

"Yes well," said Dumbledore. "Moving on from that fascinating observation - we will discuss this later, Hagrid - Severus, you'll attempt to flee the school. You'll make it so far as to Hogsmeade, but I will of course intercept you. There will be a brief duel, and then..." Albus Dumbledore drew himself up to his full height, his face twisted with rage. He raised his fist to the heavens and roared. "Now die for your treason, betrayer!"

Little Harry whimpered again. "Shush," said Severus, smirking. "You'll wake the baby."

Dumbledore hunched down a bit, looking sheepish. "Yes, of course. I rather got carried away there, didn't I? I shall destroy you utterly, scattering your scraps across High Street - "

"Oh lovely. Are we going to do this during peak shopping hours? We wouldn't want anyone to miss out on their chance to be psychologically scarred."

"If I might finish without any further interruptions? Now, where was I?"

"Splattering scraps of raw meat across the shop windows."

"Thank you Severus. Yes, destroy you utterly, loudly curse your name and rage at my foolishness in trusting you, rejoice in your grisly demise, but then - Curses!"

Severus and Hagrid both hushed Dumbledore.

"Curses," repeated Dumbledore, in a more sedate voice. "The Aurors will discover the truth, that your supposed remains are nothing more than ham Transfigured to human - "

Hagrid's stomach growled. Severus and Dumbledore looked up at him. "What? It's been a long day. I ain't had m' dinner yet."

"I see your plan," Severus said. "I go into hiding, contact my allies - "

"I'm sure Lucius and Narcissa will be very relieved to hear that you escaped," Said Dumbledore.

"It doesn't have to be them," Severus said, his voice sounding a bit sulky. "I have other friends."

"Of course," said Dumbledore kindly.

"I contact one of my many friends," Severus went on. "Just to let them know I survived and eagerly await the return of the Dark Lord, but obviously it's far too dangerous for me to associate with anyone from my past, feel free to call when our dear master returns, must go now Dumbledore is very near. And then I go into hiding, and no one hears from me for years."

"Absolutely brilliant, my dear boy!"

"No." Severus glared at Dumbledore. "It's completely daft. You ignored two very important details. First of all, Narcissa is my Secret Keeper. She knows where to find my safehouse. Second of all, and this is the really and truly important part so listen carefuly you dunderheaded old man, second of all, there is no way on God's green Earth that I am raising James Potter's son!"

Albus Dumbledore beamed, his eyes twinkling. "Severus, how little you know of my ways. I ignore nothing. Firstly, I happen to have a charming little house in an absolutely lovely town in the south of England. And secondly..."

Severus Snape, now known to the Muggle authorities as Asher Corby, stepped off the train and glared suspiciously at the bright and clean station. He glared through heavy-framed cosmetic glasses, and from under a much-shorter head of hair. His ridiculous little goatee itched. He sighed heavily. "Fuck me I'm in Tunbridge Wells," he said.

Darius Corby, the boy formerly known as Harry Potter, looked up at his new foster-father and chuckled happily. "Fou'me. Fou', fou'. Fou'."

He repeated it all the way to their new home.