Just to see you smile.
You know me too well. You can call me up late at night when I'm still awake with some sort of ridiculous luck, 'cause you know when its raining I get depressed and can't sleep. You can show up at the Rez without any reason at all and waste an entire Saturday on watching me mess around with my car, 'cause you know how it calms me down just to be with you. You know exactly what makes me tick, what you can do to me and what makes me so pissed off I want to tear his ice-cold head off his body.
But just like you know me so well, I know you that well too. I know what would happen if I killed him. And I know it isn't right to force that kind of hell on anyone. And to have to sit by and watch as your depression slowly killed you; I'd be long dead by the time you finished yourself off. And at my funeral, you'd be the only one really sad I was gone.
So yesterday I knew exactly what you wanted when you showed up on the Rez in the passenger seat of a shiny silver Volvo.
That stings, man. I felt like someone was launching shards of broken glass at my back, cutting into me and doing irreversible damage to my body and mind. The bleeding just won't stop, not until I finally depart this earth forever. I've tried and tried, tried everything I can think to try. I've prayed to God, I've cried myself to sleep, I've screamed just to scream. Nothing can change the way I feel for you.
But I put on my best lying face, and told you I was happy for you. Of course, I won't ever be truly happy, not until I can go on to someplace where I don't have to live like I'm walking on a road of hot coals, an unending road set up to ruin me.
I hate that. I hate feeling like I can't be the one in charge of my own destiny. I hate that feeling of knowing no matter how hard I try, no matter what I do, you'll still be with him and I'll still be without the reason my heart keeps beating.
But given the chance, I'd gladly lie to you again.
Just to see you smile.
Because when you do, I have just the slightest bit of hope that the whole world doesn't think I'm as worthless as I feel.