Everything you recognize from the Harry Potter series belongs to JK Rowling, Warner Bros., Scholastic and whoever else lays claim to it. I own nothing but the plot. No copyright infringement is intended and no profit is being made from this attempt at creativity.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HERMIONE

"C'mon, Harry!" Ron said earnestly. "It'll be a grand joke!"

"I don't know, Ron," Harry replied in an uncertain tone. "It seems rather… cruel to me." Fred and George had obviously been a bad influence on their younger brother, for him to suggest something like this.

"But it's Hermione's birthday!" Ron insisted. "We have to do *something* to celebrate!"

"What about the party we've planned for her? Isn't that enough?"

Ron snorted. "Hardly." He leaned forward and fixed his friend with an eager expression that made Harry wince. He knew that look. He had seen it often enough to know that once it crossed Ron's face, very little short of a full-on Death Eater attack would dissuade the youngest Weasley boy from the mischief he had planned. "Look, I need your help with the potion. It's rather complicated and I can't do it on my own. Then one of us will drink it and surprise Hermione with a nice little birthday present. She'll go mental!"

"So will Snape!" Harry countered. "What if Hermione goes to Dumbledore and tells him what happened?"

"Then it's the perfect way to get back at Snape, too, for being such a miserable git all these years."

"And just how do you propose to get some of Snape's hair?" Harry continued, remembering Hermione's disastrous experience the last time they had experimented with Polyjuice potion.

"Leave that to me," Ron said firmly. He looked far too confident to suit Harry, but if he was so sure he could pull this off, who was Harry to refuse? Besides, Ron was right – it would be the ultimate birthday surprise for their friend, not to mention the high point of their distinguished career as practical jokers.

"Right then," Harry sighed reluctantly, making his decision. "I'll help you brew the potion, but you should be the one to drink it. You've been sweet on Hermione for years, anyway. You'd enjoy it far more than I would."

Ron's face split into a wide grin. "Done! Thanks, Harry. This is going to be a blast!"

*****

"They're going to WHAT?!" Hermione gasped.

Lavender Brown tilted her head in sympathy to her roommate's agitation. "They're going to brew some Polyjuice potion, and Ron is going to use it to transform into Professor Snape," she repeated, carefully enunciating every syllable. "Then he's going to surprise you with a birthday kiss."

Hermione sat back in her chair, hard. "You're sure about this?" she asked weakly.

"Quite sure. I overheard them talking about it in the common room this morning. They're hoping you'll get angry enough to go to the Headmaster and try to have Snape sacked."

Those *idiots,* Hermione thought angrily. Haven't they learned their lesson *yet?* They were still serving detention for kidnapping Mrs. Norris and trying to bathe her in shrinking solution. Ever since the demise of Voldemort the year before, Harry and Ron had become quite the pranksters, and nearly everyone in Gryffindor had been the target of their nonsense at one time or another. Except for her. Out of respect for their friendship – or perhaps out of fear of her ire – they had left her strictly alone. But it now appeared that her luck had run out, and she too was about to join the long list of their victims.

She stood up and paced over to the window, her mind clicking into high gear. So they're expecting me to freak out over a little kiss, are they? she thought contemptuously, quickly forming a plan of her own. Well, two can play at that game.

"Lavender," Hermione said thoughtfully, "don't tell anyone else anything about this." She turned from the window and smiled slyly at the other girl. "I've got a little surprise of my own in mind for those two jokers."

****

The ceiling of the Great Hall reflected a morning sky thick with rain clouds when the owl post arrived, and several birds loaded with parcels bearing birthday gifts from Hermione's parents swooped in from overhead. She opened the presents – some books, a new sweater and a large tin of homemade fudge – to the appreciative "oohs" and "aahs" of her housemates, then gathered the pile up in her arms and took them back to her room. With a sigh, she grabbed her Charms text and a roll of parchment and headed for the library. Her Charms homework was already finished, but she realized her fellow Gryffindors were expecting her to follow her regular Saturday morning routine of abandoning the common room for a few hours to seek a quiet place to study. Ron and Harry usually tried to dissuade her from doing so in favor of less scholarly pursuits, but this morning they said nothing as she slipped out through the portrait hole. She knew they wanted her gone so they could prepare the common room for the surprise party they had been planning for nearly two week.

It was almost impossible to keep a secret for long in Gryffindor Tower. She grinned to herself, knowing that the only ones who would be surprised by anything that happened that day would be Harry and Ron themselves.

Still, she had to admit that she was quite nervous at the thought that Ron, disguised as Professor Snape, was going to kiss her before the day was out. Despite her age – another year older today! – she hadn't had done much kissing. A few quick snogs with Viktor comprised the whole of her experience, and those had done little to stir her emotions. It was a bit unnerving to know that her first real kiss with someone she loved – even if only as a friend – would be happening any moment now.

She stayed in the library for a few hours until she decided she had given them more than enough time to get ready for her party. As she made her way back up toward Gryffindor Tower, a familiar dark shape emerged from the shadows in a secluded area at the top of the stairwell. Her heart quickened at the sight. Here we go!

"Good afternoon, Miss Granger," the silky voice drawled as the ersatz Professor Snape stepped up beside her.

Who's he trying to kid? Hermione thought derisively. Even if I didn't know it was Ron, I'd be able to tell it wasn't Snape. The Potions Master never ventured this high up into the castle, and besides, Ron hadn't even attempted to master Snape's trademark glide of a walk. He positively clumped his way toward her across the flagstones.

"Hello, Professor," she responded warmly, gleefully watching the surprise register on Snape's face at her welcoming tone. "How lovely to see you."

"Yes, I'm sure," the pale imitation of Snape replied dryly. "I've no doubt that it is the highlight of your day." The shadow of a smile crossed his lips as he continued. "In any case, I understand that today is your birthday, and there's something I've been wanting to give you for a long time." He moved nearer as he spoke, and she retreated slowly in front of him until her back was against the cold stone wall. He dipped his head so close to hers that her entire view of the world was narrowed to those dark, seductively beautiful eyes. "A very long time," he whispered, tracing her jawline with the tip of one long finger.

When he reached the point of her chin, he tipped her face upward and brushed his lips lightly against her forehead, then trailed gentle kisses down the length of her nose until he reached her mouth. The lips that had always seemed so cruel and thin when compressed into their customary scowl were suddenly full and moist as they pressed against hers. Her skin tingled where he had touched her, the nerve endings crackling with repressed energy as she leaned into the fiery touch that could only have come from one who truly cared for her.

The kiss lasted a few moments longer than eternity, and she was breathless by the time he finally pulled back. "Enjoy the rest of your day, Miss Granger," he said quietly, a satisfied smirk on his face

But before he could turn to leave, she grabbed a handful of his robes in her fist. "Is that the best you can do, Professor?" she asked, giggling inwardly at the look of surprise that swept across his face. She clucked her tongue in mock disappointment. "I expected a great deal more from a man of your… experience." Then she entangled her fingers in his hair, bringing their faces together and forcing her mouth against his in a bruising kiss. She felt as well as heard his sharp intake of breath as her lips opened beneath his, and a moment later their tongues were dueling for control as he crushed her against his chest with strong arms.

"You surprise me, Miss Granger," he said hoarsely when they finally came up for air. "I never expected this reaction."

"Oh, but surely you've noticed I've been attracted to you for ever so long, Professor Snape," Hermione replied, drawing the imposter's head down so he could kiss the sensitive skin at the base of her throat. "I've kissed you in my dreams a thousand times."

His eyes widened in astonishment at this proclamation, and she very nearly blew her whole plan by cackling aloud. Their lips met again and Hermione threw herself into her role, molding her body against his and twining one ankle around the base of his calf for leverage as she drew their hips together. Damp heat rose from the stiffness at his mid-section, and she felt her body react to it instinctively, preparing itself for the primeval act that so often followed an embrace of this intensity.

Really, it was a shame to have to break the kiss, because she was enjoying it thoroughly. If someone had told her a few days ago that kissing Ron Weasley would put her into such a highly aroused state, she would have laughed in his face. But the joke had gone on long enough. Ron and Harry would already have enough to talk about for days to come.

"We should stop," she said, panting shallowly as she twisted her face away. "What if someone walks by?"

He pulled back reluctantly. "Yes, you're right," he replied, caressing the side of her face tenderly with his palm. "Come to the dungeons tonight, after the dinner hour, and we'll celebrate your birthday properly."

She nodded wordlessly.

"Until then," he whispered, and after a final ghostly kiss, he turned and walked away down the corridor, his robes swishing along on the flagstones behind him.

Hermione smiled as she watched him go. There. Maybe that would show those two idiots a thing or two. They would certainly think twice about tying to pull one over on her again!

****

"SURPRISE!" Dozens of voices created a wall of sound as she stepped through the portrait hole a few moments later.

"Thank you, everyone!" she cried happily as the whole of Gryffindor surged toward her. "It's so sweet of you to go to all this trouble!" The smile on her face was genuine. Her friends may be insensitive prats at times but they were still her friends, and she loved them all.

Harry approached her with a wide grin on his face. "Happy birthday, 'Mione!" he said, thrusting a small, gaily wrapped package into her hand. "I hope your day is everything you want it to be."

"Oh, I'm sure it will be," she replied. Then she made a great show of looking around the room. "But, Harry, wherever can Ron be?" she asked archly, her face a mask of innocent inquiry.

"Right here," came Ron's voice from behind her.

Hermione froze. She suddenly felt very dizzy, and the room began to whirl around her as her body stiffened with shock. Turning slowly, she saw Ron ducking through the archway that led up to the boy's dormitory, a large package balanced on one arm. "Sorry I wasn't here when you came in. I left your present up on my bed and I had to go up and get it."

"You… you couldn't have… changed back already… it's supposed to last an hour…" she stammered, the breath rushing painfully from her lungs.

"What are you on about, Hermione?" Ron asked, his brow crinkling in confusion at her uncharacteristic lack of eloquence.

She swallowed hard as the color drained from her face. "I… I – Lavender told me you were going to use Polyjuice to transform into Snape and kiss me this afternoon!"

Ron grinned sheepishly. "Oh, you heard about that, eh? Well, yeah, we had planned to do that, but as it turned out, I couldn't get anything of Snape's to complete the potion. The wards on his chambers are a lot stronger than I thought they would be…"