This is for Tina's Jolie Fanfic Board. Just thought I would share it here too. We only had to use 5 but I wanted to try to get them all in there. I did. Hope you all like it! This is rated R for language. And this is meant to be funny and not to offend. If you like the people made fun of in this fic I am sorry and again no offense intended.
A/N I don't own any of the OLTL characters. The rest are mine.
Objects:
1. Chinese food
2. a rabbit
3. a broken piece of furniture
4. a musical instrument
5. a clock
6. a fire extinguisher
7. a man named Elizabeth
8. an amusing bumper sticker
Actions:
1. Someone injuring his/her hand baking...
2. someone singing and/or dancing to the song "Tainted Love"
3. someone reveals an embarrassing secret about his/her childhood
4. Jolie arguing about something silly...
5. a plane or bus ride
6. someone sneezing
7. someone looses something
Phrases (someone must say):
1."Holding pattern"
2. "this is the absolute last time"
3. "have a blessed day"
4. "who shit in your cornflakes"
By Missy Ann
"Natalie?" John questioned as he looked down at her. "What are you doing?"
Natalie looked up from the place where she was squatting. She was in the back of her car putting a sticker on the back bumper. "Roxy gave me a bumper sticker for my car. I'm just putting it on." She smoothed it over again and gave it a satisfied look then stood and stepped back for John to read.
Practice Abstinence
No Dick No Bush
John stared at it for a minute before starting to laugh. He looked over at Natalie in disbelief, "You actually want that on your car?" he couldn't believe it. This was just not something he thought she would do. But he had to admit the saying really did fit Natalie's temperament.
Natalie looked at John who was still laughing and began to giggle too. "Actually I have always wanted to put something like that on my car. Its even more funny on THIS car I have to say though. I mean who sees a BMW with THAT sticker on it?" She started to laugh even harder as she thought of what Asa's reaction to the sticker would be. That would just make her day. "Want to drive over to Asa's to show him?" She asked mischievously.
John shook his head at that. "Uh-uh no way! I am not showing up at Asa's with you with THAT sticker on the car he gave you for your birthday! I value my balls, thanks!" Asa would be furious to say the least. John wanted to be nowhere near that man when he was that pissed... He had lots of guns!
Natalie laughed and glanced at her watch. "Shit!" she exclaimed, "We have to get going! You got everything in the car yet?"
John heard her and looked at his own watch. He cursed and then went to his own car and flicked it on. The clock in it said a good 30 minutes behind. "Damn," he muttered He was going to have to figure out how to set that thing one day. Michael's son kept resetting it on him. If a baby could figure it out so could he!!!. "Sorry," he said to Natalie. My clock in my car is wrong. I didn't know I was so late."
Natalie just waved off the apology and raced around picking up the items that were still on the sidewalk next to her car. "Come on we need to hurry or we will be late!"
John also scrambled to get the bags in the trunk before Natalie slammed it down. "This the absolute last time I let you talk me into going to Atlantic City with out knowing what we are doing!" John grumbled to her. He remembered the last time she had sprung surprise plans on him like this. She had wanted to see the performer Elizabeth Huckly. He had went along with it until he had found out Elizabeth Huckly was a new age performer that painted by filling his ass up with paint and shooting it on a canvas. And yes that's right Elizabeth was a MAN!!! A man for Christ sake!! What the hell kind of man has the name Elizabeth let alone puts paint up his ass and shoots it on a canvas??? He couldn't get out of there fast enough!!!!
Natalie finished loading the car, laughing at John's disgruntled expression. She remembered full well why he didn't like surprises like this. But the expression when Elizabeth had come out, NAKED and a MAN, had just about killed her she had been laughing so hard. Seeing just practically run out of the theater had made up for the fit he had had back at their hotel room. She honestly couldn't remember seeing John so mad, or so embarrassed, before. She swallowed her laughter and looked at John seriously, "I promise this is nothing like last time. No performance are or anything!"
John just nodded and grabbed the keys from her. "I'm driving."
Natalie's mouth dropped open and she said, "Hey! This is my car! I am driving!"
He just looked at her and said, "nope."
Natalie began to get mad. He was always doing this to her. He never let her drive, even in her own car! "Dammit John I am driving! You don't even know where we are going!"
John just looked at her and said, "I remember last time you drove to Atlantic City!"
"Hey, That rabbit just jumped out in front of me! I had to break fast! Its not my fault that old bat behind me was following too close!" She defended.
John just quirked an eyebrow and said, "That rabbit was 100 feet away and you caused a 3 car accident!"
"That's not true! Those assholes were driving unsafely! Remember they got the tickets not me!" She said loudly then as an afterthought, "And it was 50 feet away! Not 100!"
John just shook his head, amused. "This is silly just get it and lets go. You can tell me where to go."
"Fine," Natalie groused and got into the passenger seat mumbling,"I'd like to tell you where to go right now!"
John just laughed and got in too. Starting the car he pulled out and they took off.
An hour later the argument was forgotten and Natalie was gleefully singing along with the radio.
Sometimes I feel I've got to
Run away I've got to
Get away
From the pain that you drive into the heart of me
"Natalie, do you have to sing so loudly?" John shouted above her singing. Not that he wasn't enjoying himself but it was just a bit loud in the car.
Natalie had gotten to the chorus and was not belting it out like she was on stage at Woodstock.
Once I ran to you (I ran)
Now I'll run from you
This tainted love you've given
I give you all a boy could give you
Take my tears and that's not nearly all
Oh...tainted love
Tainted love
After she finished the chorus she turned it down and looked at John, "What you don't like it? I know you love this song! I've heard you listening to it before."
John just smiled at her and said, Yes I do like the song but I like my ear drums more. It was just a little loud." He reached over and put a hand on her leg and squeezed, "You sing it real well too."
Natalie laughed at that and said, "Flatterer." He laughed too and put his hand back on the steering wheel. After a few more songs Natalie stopped singing and said, "Want to play a game?" She sat there looking totally innocent and that was a sure sign that there was nothing innocent about his game.
John thought it over carefully and decided that he was in. it was after all 3 more hours to Atlantic City and what ever Natalie had cooked up was better then just singing along with the radio. Sure what game?"
"20 Questions." She replied. Her smile was wicked and left no doubt that this was going to be an interesting game...
John smiled too as he began to think of the questions HE could ask her. "Sure," he replied. "I go first." At Natalie's nod he asked his first question. It was silly and when Natalie's turn came she asked a just as silly question. Soon they only had 2 questions left and John asked, "What was the best Christmas you have ever had?"
Natalie thought about it a minute before answering, "Well aside from this one coming up I would have to say the last one with Rex before he went away. I was only 8 but I remember baking cookies. I burned my arm and Rex, who was only 5 kissed it to make it better. The cookies caught on fire because I left them in too long after and I had to use a fire extinguished to put them out but I remember feeling like that was just the best thing ever. Being with Rex and just having fun." She smiled wistfully and realized her answer had made John sad. "What was your most embarrassing Christmas?"
John shook off his sadness at Natalie's memory and thought about it. He really didn't need to think about it but he didn't really want to say the answer to this one. He knew Natalie would laugh her butt off.
"Come on! You got to answer!" Natalie said as she watched him struggle with it. She knew what ever it was must be good by the look on his face.
John looked at her and saw her grinning and said, OK, Ok but try not to laugh too hard!" He gathered his courage and said, "When I was 15 I was at my Mom's friends house, and they wanted me to play the violin. I had some lessons but..." He trailed off.
"But what?" Natalie prompted.
John braced himself and said, "When I started playing one of their dogs started humping my leg. I was so freaked out I tripped over a stool and fell on their very expensive coffee table . It broke."
"You broke the coffee table?" Natalie questioned trying to contain her laughter.
"Stop laughing." John muttered. He could see she was holding back her laughter.
It was too much for Natalie and she burst out laughing, "The dog started humping your leg?!" she continued laughing so hard tears came out of her eyes.
John rolled his eyes and stayed silent. He was thinking up ways to get her back for this. They continued with the game after this and then Natalie sang along with the radio some more. Soon they were in Atlantic City. "So Now where?" he asked her.
Natalie stopped singing and looked around. She started giving directions and soon they ended up at a bus station. "Here we go." She told him.
"We came to Atlantic City to go to the bus station?" John asked, confused. He parked the car and sat for a minute as he tried to process this information.
"No silly, we just can't take THIS car to where we are going. Now come on lets go before we are late!" Natalie grabbed her purse and jumped out of the car.
John got out too, grumbling. "You want us to go somewhere that we can't take the car?" he shook his head in confusion as he hurried after her. He caught up to her, they climbed on to the correct bus, and Natalie gave the ticket guy their tickets. "Guess you came prepared." He said to her.
Natalie smiled and looked at him, "Of course!" she gave him a wink and they settled into their seats. Soon it was apparent they the busses, any of them, weren't moving. "What's going on?" she muttered, irritated.
John looked around and said, "It looks like they are in some sort of holding pattern."
No sooner had he said that then two security men boarded the bus with a dog and began to speak, "I am sorry for the delay folks but a package has been lost and we believe it contains explosives. We need to search the bus."
There was a loud commotion as the passengers began to panic. Natalie was a bit scared herself and grabbed John's hand. They clung to each other while the bus was searched. Soon they men were finished and no package had been found. "Sorry for the scar. The bus is safe. You may go to your destination now." With that the security men and the explosive sniffing dog left the bus and moved on.
With that a woman in front began to sneeze uncontrollably. There was more panic until she shouted, "Its ok I'm allergic to dogs that's all." Finally everyone began to calm down. There was another commotion however when the man to their right opened up a box of Chinese food and began eating. The man beside him began to shout with fury.
"Get that shit away from me! This man is trying to kill me!" He jumped up and tried to run down the bus isle. John who was on the isle seat stuck is foot out and tripped the man just as the man eating the Chinese food yelled to the other man, "Jesus! Who shit in your cornflakes this morning? Its not a bomb you asshole its just Chinese food."
"I'm allergic to Chinese food!" The man yelled from the floor where John had him pinned. At those words the other man put away his food and said," You could have just said so."
The man on the floor no royally embarrassed by his overreaction turned bright read and said, "Yeah, I was just still freaked out by before. Sorry." The two men shook hands and sat down again. Far away from each other however.
Natalie and John just looked at each other as John sat back in his seat. The rest of the trip was short and uneventful. When they got to where they were going Natalie nudged John and said, "This is our stop."
John looked around and saw they were at a concert auditorium. As they got off the bus someone yelled, "Have a blessed Day!" and Natalie turned around and waved.
They went into the auditorium and John saw the banner and groaned, "Oh hell no! No way am I gonna sit thru that!" The banner said,
Backstreet Boys. Live For one night only.
Natalie laughed and then decided to put John out of his misery. She took his hand and turned him around, "That's not why we are here." Pointing to another banner across the doorway of the second auditorium and said, "That's who we are seeing."
John breathed a sigh of relief. That banner said,
Bruce Springstein. Benefit for the homeless.
The End