Standard disclaimer applies.
Yes, this is a bit different from my usual fic--this one's Ultimate X-Men, after Dazzler fell into the coma. It's from Dazzler's POV, in a slightly alternate (and significantly darker) universe...it's all stream of consciousness, so be warned...of course a patient in a coma would be unable to "speak" to the reader; "thinking" is the best to be hoped for.
WARNING: this story is incredibly dark and depressing, with some mild language. But it serves a purpose. If you're disturbed by this, please don't read it.
Wondering why I wrote such a darkly disturbing ficlet? I was wondering what it would be like to be thought brain-dead and really not be. She's also completely paralyzed...not exactly in a coma, hence this is alternate universe.
Notable differences in the universes: instead of in a coma, Dazzler is brain dead. And don't give me all the crap about Xavier going in her mind and whatnot. Even Xavier cannot plumb the depths of a soul, merely the wiring of a brain--and this goes far beyond mere brain-thought. She has a dog...don't know that she has one in the comic...don't think they ever mention it.
Review if you would.
I am alone in this sack of meat trapped within a prison of flesh I cannot speak I cannot motion I cannot do anything but lie here alone I cannot move I cannot move oh god I can't move I can only blink and not even on command my body functions without me it continues breathing continues seeing tasting feeling but I cannot make any sign that I know cannot make any sign that I feel I can move my eyes a little but that is all and I cannot blink to understand cannot signal them that I know cannot show them what I feel I have no one to speak to everyone has left me they speak to me but I cannot talk back oh what a one-sided conversation we have tonight today and all time that this is gone that everything is spiraling down a never ending drain I see the lights above my bed I stare at them and at the television that is hung in the corner from twin thread I could become poetic but there is no one to sing to no one to understand I didn't do what I wanted to do I didn't accomplish anything at all I was too young that I missed the jump missed it all I wanted to do so much wanted to leave my mark but then it hit me and now I can't move and they think I'm a vegetable they think I'm not even a person anymore I'm trapped here alone they want me to die they want me to die I can hear them talking about it hear them motioning with sad cold eyes that they know that I'm dead and that I really died I'm not here anymore but oh god I am here I am here dammit I am here you can't just kill me can't leave me like this I am here I am here I AM HERE can't you hear me shouting can't you hear me I'm screaming here for you to hear me see my lips move even though they can't see me try to signal you with my eyes, lock you with my gaze but I can't seem to focus they think I'm gone think my brain is dead I'm not braindead god I'm not please please someone end this don't kill me I want to live I have so much to do so much I want to do now just immediately just now I want to do it I want to see again and move and dance and talk again and have coffee and cake and French fries and hamburgers, not this hospital crap that makes me want to puke were I to taste it, but I can't it goes through my stomach in that disgusting tube I want out of this bed I can't feel my legs anymore I can't feel my body anymore ever since it happened and whatever went wrong that this happened I don't understand I don't understand why this happened to me god why did you do this why are you torturing me is this some sort of divine plan why is this going on why are you making me suffer this is hell on earth I swear why is this going on why this torment loving god why are you doing this god god god please help me someone up there end it heal me but the doctors won't they think I'm taking up space they think I'm braindead they think I'm taking up room that could be given to someone else but I don't want to die oh god I want to live I want to LIVE even in this hell I'm too afraid of death to go too afraid of dying to see the other side I want to live even in this sterile dead place with the cold eyes and crying women and he's crying but men don't cry that's what they always told me was that another lie was it all lies that they would always be there for me but now they're not they're letting me die because they think I'm dead they think I'm gone they think I'm not here anymore and that I'm completely gone…I'm not oh god I'm still HERE DAMMIT I'M STILL ALIVE IN HERE DON'T KILL ME! Please save me I want to live I want to live I want to live please please please I want to live I don't want to die here anymore I don't want you to kill me with your eyes anymore you cry and tell me honey we love you we want you to know that wherever you are we love you we're so sorry this had to happen it's all our fault and it IS YOUR FAULT, DAMMIT, you're killing me this is stupid I can't help it anymore I don't want to see this anymore I want to be in another place but not death not heaven not somewhere I've never been and can't trust in I can't help oh god I can't help this fear and they want to pull the plug I want to live please let me live I want to have children I want to get married I want to write that book I want to see my dog again you didn't even bring him to the hospital room, damn you damn you but I love you all I don't want to leave you even though I hate you now for killing me you're pulling the plug now taking away my life without my knowledge I can feel the panic rising in my chest can feel the knowledge slipping away the darkness coming in velvet cold at the corners I feel warm now but fight it fight it I don't want to go I don't want to go I'm more than this you're taking away my life….taking away my future…taking away my dreams I'm all gone now……..
……………..why………………………………………………………………..
Did……..you…………………………let………………………me………………………die………