Chapter One
I Cannot Find A Way To Describe It

I cannot find a way to describe it
It's there inside; all I do is hide
I wish that it would just go away
What would you do, you do, if you knew
What would you do

All the pain I thought I knew
All the thoughts lead back to you
Back to what was never said
Back and forth inside my head
I can't handle this confusion
I'm unable; come and take me away
~Take Me Away, Avril Lavigne

Heartbeat.

It pounded quickly and fast, skipping a beat every now and then. Combined with the unbearable pain in my stomach, and I felt incredibly uncomfortable.

Tears trickled down my cheeks in an uncontrollable rate as I drove along the empty street, my CD playing softly. The lyrics seemed to seep out of the player, wrapping their comforting words around my shaking body. Unfortunately, the music did not make me feel better, as it usually did. Instead, I only felt worse.

Finally realising that I couldn't drive any longer, I pulled over and cut the engine. Unable to contain myself any longer, I let out a strangled sob and leaned forwards, my head bashing against the steering wheel.

I hated Jared.

I hated him with every part of my body.

I had never hated anyone as much as I hated him.

Just thinking about him made my blood boil and my fists clench, the shaking increasing.

But I loved him.

Jared was my first love, from the minute I set eyes on him in secondary school.

And he killed my baby.

My baby.

His baby.

Our baby.

He was so happy when I told a month ago. He picked me up and swung me around, laughing and crying at the same time. He put his hand on my stomach and started talking to our barely developed baby, telling it that he couldn't wait to it.

We even planned what we were going to call our baby.

I wanted to call it Liam, after my Dad, if our baby was a boy. Dad died when I was eleven of a heart attack, a few months after I started secondary school, and I knew that he would be honoured if I named my child after him.

Jared decided that if our baby was a girl, I could also pick the first name, but her middle name had to be Dorothy, after his grandmother who passed away just last year. Jared and Dorothy were very close, so he was devastated when she died.

We were going to get married.

My finger felt horribly bare without the delicate diamond engagement ring resting on it. It had been Dorothy's, making it even more special.

But I left it behind.

Little shop, little shoppa horrors. Little shop, little shoppa terror. Call a cop. Little shoppa horrors. No, oh, oh, no-oh!

My phone ringing made me jump violently, my whole body jerking up and my head snapping to the side. On the seat next to me, my phone was lighting up and vibrating along to the tone. I stared at it for a moment, suddenly and irrationally fearful of it.

And then I saw the caller ID.

I hurridedly undid my seatbelt and practically jumped across the seat, grabbing my mobile and answering it.

"Anna!" I gasped, my voice coming out as a hoarse croak.

"My spidey senses were tingling," She told me. "Where are you?"

I gave her the name of the street, still sobbing desperately.

"Ok, honey, I want you to stay exactly where you are. Don't go anywhere."

I made a weak noise of agreement.

"I want you to promise me hat you won't go anywhere, Niamh."

"I promise." I whispered.

Anna was about to hang up when I spoke again.

"Please hurry." I begged quietly.

"I will."

Anna hung up and I put my phone down on the seat next to me, wrapping my arms around myself as I continued crying.

I don't know how long I sat there in my car, crying to myself. Time seemed to drag on until years passed, and even then Anna didn't appear.

I needed Jared.

He hurt me. He hurt me physically and mentally. He hurt me from the moment we got together as an official couple.

But I never left him.

The first time he hit me, I ran out of the flat and ended up at Anna's. It was several years ago, so she still lived alone, with the occasional visit from her then-boyfriend, Micheal. They split up by mutual agreement after realising it wasn't going to work.

I had spent the night at Anna's (the first of many), and the next day, Jared had turned up at the door with a large bunch of red roses, a box of chocolates and a necklace.

Of course, I went back to him.

What else could I do?

I loved him and, though he rarely said it out loud, I knew he loved me too.

A gentle rap at the window made me jump, and I was thankful to see Anna bending down, her curly blonde hair pinned back into a neat bun.

"Open the door." She mouthed. It took me at least a minute to do so; my hands were shaking so much that I messed up each time I tried.

The doors finally open, I practically fell out of the car and onto the pavement, straight into Anna's arms. For such a petite woman, she was very strong.

"Theo, help Niamh into the back," She instructed firmly, gently transferring my shaking figure from her arms to Theo's, who I had failed to notice joined Anna in helping me. "I'll drive."

Theo, Anna's gay flat mate and best friend of ours, wrapped his arms around me and helped me into the back of my cute VW Bug that I brought with my inheritance. The minute I came of age to recieve the money both Dad and my grandparents had left me, I had dragged Anna to the nearest car dealer and snatched the car up.

And now I was curled up on the back seat, clinging to Theo's jumper with as much strength I possessed.

"It's ok, honey, it's ok." Theo said softly, holding me in a warm embrace. I buried my face into his shoulder, the soft fabric stroking my skin.

God, why was Theo gay?

No one really spoke as Anna drove my car and Theo held me. The two of them would make the occasional comment, but apart from that, silence loomed over us like a heavy cloud.

I barely noticed as the car pulled into the car park of Anna's block of apartments. My mind simply didn't register the journey from my car to the lift to Anna's flat. I didn't even know whose arms were around me, supporting me.

"Sit down, Niamh." Anna ordered firmly but gently, her hands on my shoulders as she pushed me down onto her three seater sofa that she'd picked up at a car boot sale. Theo wrapped a thick blanket around my shoulders, but then left me to join Anna in the kitchen, which was seperated from the living room with a large counter.

I sat silently, gently swaying back and forth, unable to comprehend anything.

I felt empty.

"Niamh, honey, drink this."

My eyes met Anna's, and she gazed straight back at me, holding out a mug. I hoped it contained alcohol, but from the steam rising in nearly transparent swirls, I presumed it wasn't.

"What is it?" I asked, my voice still a hoarse croak.

"It's coffee."

"I'm not thirsty."

"Niamh, don't you dare give me that crap. Drink the god damn coffee before I force it down your throat." Anna growed. I glared up at her feebly before snatching the mug and taking a defiant sip from it.

"You're so babyish."

"Shut up."

Anna grinned triumphantly. I glared at her again before realising her motive, unable to stop the feeble giggle that rose to my throat.

"You're such a cunning bi- "

"Watch it," Theo warned. "No bad language in my flat."

"Excuse me? Your flat?"

Theo smiled apologetically at Anna. "Sorry, honey, our flat."

I glared at the two of them, taking another sip of coffee. The warm and caffinated drink ran through my veins, and suddenly, I felt less empty.

Theo and Anna continued to banter good naturedly, and I listened silently. Without my friends, I would have nothing.

Maybe...

Maybe things weren't going to be so bad after all.

"Hey! I thought we stopped the crying!"

I hadn't realised rouge tears running down my cheeks until Anna reached out and brushed them away with her finger. I stared at her, unable to think of something to say.

"I..."

Anna shushed me, scooting forwards and wrapping an arm around my shoulders. Without saying a word, she gave me an one armed hug and held me close.

"What has that man done to you?" She whispered, rocking me like a baby. I knew the answer.

He broke me.

Jared had broken me into millions of tiny pieces. He had broken me so efficently that I couldn't be fixed again.

I might as well be dead.

"Come on, Niamh, all this stress can't be good for the baby." Theo said kindly.

I know he meant well, and that he was only trying to help, but it made it worse.

The hole inside me seemed to get bigger.

"There isn't a baby." I whispered.

"What?"

I finally looked up at my friends, staring at both of them with a blank expression.

"There isn't a baby," I repeated. "Not anymore."

Anna stared at me with a horrified expression, her brow furrowed and her mouth open. Theo couldn't meet my gaze, and instead stared at his lap.

"What happened?" Anna asked.

"We were arguing...Jared thought I was cheating on him...that the baby wasn't his..." I swallowed. "He started shouting at me and I shouted back at him so...so he..." A few more tears trickled down my cheeks, but I wiped them away impaitently. "He hit me. Again."

"Again?" Theo repeated.

"Niamh, you swore that the abuse was over!" Anna cried, punching the sofa. "God dammit, woman, what the hell were you thinking?"

"I didn't want you two to think that I'm weak." I admitted quietly.

"Weak? For putting up with a man that hit you? Jesus, Niamh, you an idiot, but you're not weak!"

"Jared made me feel weak."

"Jared is a nasty bully that gets his kicks out of beating woman," Anna said firmly. "And tomorrow we're going to the police."

"What? No!"

"Yes."

"No!"

"Yes!"

At this point, Anna and I were stood up, squaring to each other.

"Alright, girls, as much as I love a cat fight between girlies, right now is not the appropiate time." Theo intervened, standing between us. Anna and I glared at each other again before sighing and sitting down.

"Sorry, Niamh."

"If I go to the police and they don't charge him, what do you think Jared will do?" I asked them both. "He'll kill me. He will hunt me down and he will kill me."

They both knew that I wasn't exaggerating.

Anna reached forwards and gripped my hands, staring me straight in the eye.

"Niamh Olivia Quinn, I swear to God, we will not let that bastard any near you, will we, Theo?"

"He wouldn't dare," Theo agreed grimly. "Not with my hench muscles."

This made me laugh; Theo hated all forms of excersise and was so lanky that he put string beans to shame. Definately not hench.

"Hey, we got a smile!" Theo cried triumphantly.

My smile faded slightly. Why was I smiling and laughing when my baby had just died?

It wasn't fair.

"Don't stop, babe," Theo said, moving to sit on my other side. "Come on, you've got to keep smiling. If not for everyone else, but for yourself."

I sighed and gave Theo a small smile. He smiled back.

"That's better."

"Do you want some rest, Niamh?" Anna asked just as my eyelids began to feel heavy; the caffine was slowly leaving my system.

"Yes, please."

"Ok, I'll get the spare duvet."

Spotting my bags on the kitchen counter, I got up from the sofa and crossed the room to search through my suitcase. It didn't take long for me to find my pyjamas; my selection of clothing was small. A majority of the clothing that hung in the wardrobe were cheap and scanty things Jared brought me for going out to a seedy club in.

I made a disgusted noise to myself as I unearthed my favourite pyjamas, long green silky trousers with a matching long sleeved button up shirt. Mum gave them to me when I left home as a present.

Mum...

I was so glad that I hadn't told her about the baby.

Hugging the pyjamas to my chest, I wandered to Anna's bathroom and locked the door.

Placing my pyjamas on the closed toilet seat, I stripped down from my worn down jeans and too big t-shirt. My socks and bra joined the pile.

I stared at my reflection.

I had a dancers body, there was no doubt about it. I had participated in dance lessons since I was five and was now at the point that I performed on stage. My chest was small-ish, my waist was tiny and my legs were incredibly long.

But my pale body was covered in hideous bruises.

Splotches of deep purple, mustard yellows and sickly greens patterned my body.

I looked pathetic.

Blinking away the tears that sprung to my eyes, I picked up my pyjamas and pulled them on, loving the way the silk caressed my skin.

My stomach was killing me.

Running a hand through my hair and then tucking it behind my ear, I picked up my bundle of clothes, unlocked the bathroom door and walked back to the living room.

Anna had set up a makeshift bed on the sofa for me, complete with two pillows and a very thick duvet. Both she and Theo had also retired to their beds, so I was alone.

I threw my clothes back into my suitcase, not bothering to fold any of it, before grabbing a bottle of water from the fridge and then lying on the sofa.

The moment my head hit the pillow, I fell asleep.

The point of the first chapter is to introduce my OC, Niamh, and her situation. Sweeney may not make an actual appearance for a few chapters - how many, I'm not sure - because certain events will need to take place before he can join the story.