She couldn't believe that she was here again. How many times had she stood here looking through this same window in the past few months? It was way too many to count. The worst part of it was that she didn't have to come here, she'd memorized the display, could see it every time she closed her eyes. White. Everything was so white, so......pure. The rocker, the bassinet, the blanket, the changing table, and even the diaper pail were all white. Fluffy, cloud like material covered the floor. Gold flake were scattered all over the fluff adding to the whole angelic theme.
Sara could completely understand why some women would pass by the scene and have some sort of brief yearning, but not her. She never thought it would happen to her. She wasn't the mothering kind. She'd never thought she had those instincts other women talked about but standing here in front of this display for the umpteenth time, she knew she had been wrong.
Her particular yearning had been anything but brief. It started about three months ago when she ran into an old friend from college. She, Miranda, had come to Vegas to visit her in-laws and introduce them to her their new grandson. Sara was leaving the coffee shop she regularly frequented after her weekend jogs. She passed "Baby of Mine" like any other Saturday morning when Miranda just happened to be leaving the store. Sara recognized her almost instantly, her fussy nature bringing her college self to Sara's memory. Miranda was twirling around on the sidewalk trying to locate her ringing cell phone. The problem was her wrist had bags hanging off them and she had the baby and her purse on her shoulder. Sara thought about enjoying the show for a while but in the end decided to help.
"Mira- Mira on the wall who's the fastest of them all?" Sara teased in a sing-song voice.
Miranda's head snapped up immediately recognizing the rhyme and the person who started it all. "Well if it isn't Sara 'Sea biscuit' Sidle!" They stood there laughing at each other until Miranda's phone started ringing again. At the same time the baby started crying and Miranda desperately turned to Sara for help.
"Will you hold him please? Lucas, please be good for mommy," she pleaded as she handed over the still crying baby.
Sara held him in her arms and watched him as he opened his toothless mouth wide and let out another piercing scream. She hadn't held many babies but she knew enough to try and calm the baby down. She bounced him in her arms as she shushed him. It wasn't really working and without thinking about it Sara held the Lucas to her face letting his little feet dangle as she spoke to him in a deep voice, "Luke, I am your father." To Sara's surprised he actually stopped crying and broke into the most adorable toothless grin. She couldn't help but smile back. He was so cute. He had a wisp of blond hair on the top of his head and the biggest brown eyes. It was then Sara felt the first tingle in her stomach but she passed it off as the excitement of running into an old friend.
"So you're a Star Wars fan already, huh? I thought your mom would at least wait until you could talk before introducing you to her first love." Sara smiled at him and threw a quick glance to Miranda who'd finally located her cell phone in her bra. She was returning the missed call so Sara turned her attention back to Lucas.
"You're such a handsome boy. All the little girls on the playground are going to go crazy for you. 'Will you play with me Lucas? Will you hold my hand Lucas? Just a kiss on the cheek Lucas!' "
"I knew I'd have to bat the women off of him but I had no idea it would start before he was even out of diapers." Miranda quipped. Sara just stuck her tongue out.
"So, how many do you have?" Sara asked.
"Little Lucas is my one and only and he likes it that way. You?"
"Me what?" Sara asked distractedly still entertaining Lucas with silly faces.
"How many kids do you have, biscuit head?"
"Oh, uh...none. That's not really my thing, ya know?" She was finding it hard to look away from the baby.
"You really could have fooled me. Looks like you're a natural. I know you used to talk about how you couldn't see yourself as someone's mother but that was like, forever ago." Miranda explained. She silently watched as Sara played with Lucas' feet.
"That was forever ago," Sara said in a wistful voice, her eyes never leaving Lucas', " but not much has changed." She finally managed to tear her eyes away from the creature in her arms to face his mother. " I'm still single. I work all kinds of crazy hours and I have no family, outside of work anyway. And I still can't see myself as a loving mother."
Miranda smile at the irony of the scene in front of her. Sara's interaction with Lucas was almost a complete contradiction to the words coming out of her mouth, and you know what they say about actions and words.
" You do know that there are ways a single woman can become a mother, don't you? And nobody's forcing you to work those hours. If you're the same Sara Sidle I know that all your doing. I'm not going to tell you family's not important, Lord knows it is, but from the sound of thing you have some pretty wonderful colleagues. If you didn't notice, you called them you family. They may not be but related but that hardly matters when it comes to love. And as for your last comment about being a mother, the more I watch you with Lucas the less convincing that statement becomes."
"Oh, um, do you want him back?" Sara asked as she held him out to his mother.
"I was starting to feel a little separation anxiety but that wasn't what I was getting at," Miranda said as she took Lucas from Sara.
" I understand fully what you were saying but please understand that it's just not the case." Sara softly spoke in a pleading tone.
"I guess I'll have to take your word for it. But before we have more serious discussions in the middle of the sidewalk let me give you my number. I'll be here for another week or so, so feel free to call me if and when you want some girl time. I'm sure the in-laws will be more than happy to baby-sit." Miranda said as she once again began searching in her purse for a pen.
"Here I'll hold him." Sara offered when she saw here friend was struggling again.
"I'm sure you will," Miranda teased.
Sara shot her a glare that she didn't see because she once again was digging through her purse.
"Oh thank God, here you go, one of my old business cards. I don't have to look for that pen that I'm sure isn't there."
"You mean to tell me you gave up practicing law for motherhood? I never thought I'd see the day." Sara smirked.
"It's only temporary. I'll be going back to court the minute Lucas starts pre-school. I'm already dreading the day I'll have to leave my handsome little man," Miranda cooed.
Sara stood there watching and for a brief moment let herself wonder if her mother ever felt that way about her. If she ever cooed at her. Misses her. Looked at her with anything but sadness and obligation in her eyes. Those thoughts were too painful so she brought herself back to the present just in time to hear Miranda tell whoever was on the phone that she'd see them soon.
"Sara, that was my mother-in-law. She's getting really anxious so I have to go. Please give me a call and save me from what I'm sure will be a week long seminar on how to take care of Evelyn's only grandchild." She said as she rolled her eyes.
"I think I can do that, just promise me one thing?"
"What would that be?"
"That you'll bring Lucas with you at least once before your seminar is over."
"I'll be sure too," Miranda said will a smile and a meaningful look.
"Whatever!" Sara mock glared. "See you later Skywalker!"
"We'll be seeing you, Sara. Trust me." Miranda said as she took Lucas back and walked to her car.
Sara waved one last time and watched as her friend strapped in her precious cargo and drove away. Before she began the walk back to her apartment she took the time to look at the display window and tried to imagine herself in the rocker with a baby in her arms.
Now, three months later she was once again standing outside of 'Baby of Mine' admiring the display. Of course it had changed at least twice since that first day but this theme by far, was the most beautiful. Sara knew this would make things harder but she just couldn't bring herself to walk another way. This was now a part of her weekend routine. She would never tell Miranda that. It was bad enough when she brought Lucas back to visit. Anytime Sara held him or interacted with him she shot her an annoying know-it-all smile. As she turned and walked toward her apartment she finally admitted to herself that she was like millions of other women out there. But so what……………