Chapter One

There were just voices at first, disembodied and whispering. They swirled quietly around Cas, coming and going at will. They came closer and closer, sounding more sinister and threatening the closer they came. Cas tried to run away, but he couldn't move at all. They came ever closer, and louder, until they surrounded him, yelling in his ears. His eyes snapped open, and the voices were still all around him, frantically shouting. He couldn't identify any words being said, and machines wailed and bleeped. A bright, white light blinded him. He tried to take a breath, but found himself gagging on a large something in his throat. Panic bloomed in his chest when it wouldn't come out on its own. He reached up to his face and felt it covered in dressings that were holding the tube in place. He cried out, the sound muffled by the tube, and scrabbled at the dressings with both hands. Someone grabbed his arms and pulled them away, but it was still too bright to see who it was. Then, for the first time, he heard clear words.

'Cas, it's okay, we're right here, just relax.'

Cas shook his head and yanked one of his arms back, but more hands grabbed him and pinned his arms to his sides.

'We're gonna get this thing out of you, just hold still a minute,' someone else said.

He shook his head even harder and thrashed furiously. He had to get away; he had to get the tube out. He pushed the hands away and again went for the dressings, but he couldn't get them them off. He began to choke, and screamed.

'We need to sedate him,' someone said.

'Is that safe?'

'We need to get this ventilator disconnected.'

'Okay, do it.'

Moments later, Cas's arms felt like lead, and they dropped onto the bed. The bright light faded again, along with all the voices. When he woke up again, the tube was gone, and he was a lot more comfortable as a result. Someone had dimmed the lights, so he could see a little better.

He appeared to be in a hospital, with IVs attached to one arm, and a heart rate monitor to the other. He turned his head slowly. It felt immensely heavy, and he groaned quietly.

Next to his bed were two men sitting in chairs, asleep. They were both wearing blue scrubs and, though sleeping, looked totally exhausted.

One had short, spiky hair, and was wearing a large, heavy-looking boot on his right leg. The other man had long hair, and his eyes fluttered open at Cas's groan. He saw that Cas was awake, and elbowed the other man.

'Dean,' he murmured.

The other man jerked awake. 'Wha-?' Then he saw Cas and inhaled sharply.

'Are you awake?' he asked warily.

'I think so,' Cas said. His voice was barely more than a whisper, and his throat was raw.

Both men sighed in relief, and a smile spread across the face of the spiky-haired one.

'That's good,' he said. 'That's really good.'

'How did I get here?' Cas croaked. 'What happened?

The man's smile faltered. 'You- you were in an accident. It was pretty gnarly, actually. You came out of it with a broken arm and collarbone, four broken ribs, a punctured lung, and some skull fractures. You've, uh-' he stopped and glanced at the long-haired man briefly before continuing. 'You've been in a coma for a while.'

'What? For how long?'

'Nearly nine weeks now.'

Cas's head swam, and he out a shaky hand over his eyes. 'Nine weeks?' he repeated.

'Yeah. Most everything is healed now, but we don't know the severity of any - any brain damage yet.'

Cas nodded and bit his lip. It was scabbed and dry. 'Brain damage,' he whispered to himself. He took a deep breath, then lowered his hand to look at them. 'All right, I understand. So, you're my doctor?'

Suddenly, they both looked upset, especially the spiky-haired one.

'W-what?'

'My doctor?'

'You mean, you don't remember me?'

'I- should I?'

The man let out a short, nervous laugh. 'Th- there's just nothing? No recognition at all?'

Cas shook his head, confused.

'Oh God.'

'What? What is it?' Cas said, the bleeping on his monitor rising with his heart rate.

'Dean, calm down, you're freaking him out,' the man with longer hair said. 'The doctor said this might happen.'

'What might happen?' Cas said, his heart rate rising even further.

The long-haired man put out a placating hand. 'Everything's fine-'

'How is this fine?' the spiky-haired man named Dean demanded.

'Dean, just relax, please. Just give me a chance to explain to the poor guy what's going on before you flip out, okay? Jeez.'

Dean leaned back in his chair and folded his arms, staring stubbornly at the door on the other side of the room.

'That's more like it. Okay, Cas, do you remember me?'

Cas gave him another look over, but shook his head.

'That's okay. Let's see then, I'm Sam, and this is my brother Dean. The doctor told us that when you woke up, you might experience some memory loss.'

'I see.'

Sam glanced at Dean, who didn't move. 'Man, how do I put this? Okay, uh, you and Dean are sort of-'

'We're married,' Dean said shortly.

'Oh,' Cas said, surprised. 'Oh.'

'Yeah, "oh".'

Sam elbowed him. 'Sorry, he's not mad at you, he's just sorta mad in general.'

Cas chewed on his lip more. 'We're married?' he said, his heart rate remaining high. 'But I don't know you.'

'It's okay, Cas, it'll be fine, but you gotta calm down.'

But Cas couldn't. His chest tightened, his breath came in short gasps, and all he could see was the hurt on Dean's face. All he could feel was a terrifying blankness when he tried to think back.

The machines went off again, and Sam and Dean argued with each other.

Some nurses burst into the room. One began examining his monitor, and the other came to his bedside and put a reassuring hand on his knee.

'Castiel, can you hear me?' she said gently, making direct eye contact.

Cas nodded.

'All right, Cas, it looks like you're having a panic attack. Have you had them before?'

He thought about it, but felt sick when he couldn't remember.

Dean answered for him. 'Yeah, he has,' he said. 'He used to have medication for it, but…'

'I see. Does he have any techniques to bring him out of it?'

Dean shrugged. 'Box breathing usually does the trick.'

'Maybe you should do it,' Sam suggested.

Dean shrugged again and scooted closer to the bed. 'Okay, Cas, just do as I say, and you'll feel better in a minute. We're gonna take a deep breath in to the count of four, hold it for four, and out for four, got it? I'll count for you, ready?' Dean reached out and took his hand. His fingers were rough and calloused, but something about them was also warm and comforting. 'In... two...three...four, hold...two...three... four, out... two...three...four…'

Cas did as Dean instructed. It took a few tries, but his breathing slowed to normal. 'Thank you,' he said to Dean. Dean only took his hand away, and again leaned back in his chair.

Just then, the door to the room opened, and a man in a white coat with a clipboard walked in. 'Glad to see you finally awake!' he said brightly, rifling through the paper on his clipboard. 'How are you feeling?'

'Thirsty.'

'Yeah, you will be. I'll just get through this, and then we'll bring you some water. Maybe we'll try a little food too. First though, are you experiencing any pain? How's your head?'

'No pain, I don't think,' Cas said, wiggling all of his extremities. 'I'm a little dizzy.'

The doctor nodded. 'That's normal. Dizziness is expected at this stage. I'll get you some copies of your x-rays, if you like.'

Cas nodded.

'Now, because of the nature of your head injuries, I'm just going to ask a few more questions, okay? Do you know where you are?'

'I'm in the hospital.'

'Do you know which one?'

'No.'

'What's your name?'

'Cas.'

'Your full name.'

'Castiel Novak.'

There was a shape intake of breath from Dean, and the doctor frowned.

'What?' Cas asked.

Dean cleared his throat. 'You took my name when we got married. It's Winchester.'

'Oh.'

The doctor, less cheery now, carried on with his questions. 'Where do you live?'

'I… I don't know,' Cas said, wracking his brain. 'Do I live with - um…'

'Dean.'

'Yes, do I live with you?'

'You do.'

'Cas, I just need you to relax,' the doctor said. 'The sooner we can assess this, the sooner we can decide our next step.'

Cas took a few steadying breaths.

'All right, what do you do? What's your job?' the doctor said.

Cas shook his head. 'I don't- I can't…'

'What year is it?'

Cas thought about it. 'Is - is it two-' His brain was beginning to feel like someone had stuffed it full of cotton wool.

Dean reached out for his hand again, but he snatched it away, putting his hands back over his face.

'My head hurts,' he groaned, pressure forming in his temples.

'All right, Cas, that's enough for now,' the doctor said. 'I'll let you rest, and I'll send a nurse by later. If you feel like eating, we'll see about some physio, and get you out of that bed.'

'Thank you, doctor,' Sam said politely.

The doctor exited the room, still reading through his papers.

They sat in silence. Cas's mind was racing, but he couldn't grasp anything.

'Cas?' Dean said gently.

Cas lowered his arms to look at him. 'What happened to your leg?'

Dean looked down at the boot on his leg. 'I was in the car with you,' he mumbled. 'Broken in four places.'

Can nodded. He was already fed up of lying in the bed, so he tried to sit up, but everything was so heavy. He managed to push himself up a little, but swayed heavily once up.

'Careful.'

Sam and Dean both had their arms held out, half out of their seats.

'Your muscles have atrophied a fair amount,' Sam said. 'So just take it slow. I'll go see about that water.'

Sam left, running his hands through his hair.

Cas held himself up as long as he could, but flopped back down. He turned to Dean, watching him closely.

Dean was staring down at his knees.

He had a lot of freckles, Cas noticed, and his face was weather beaten, as though he spent a lot of time outside. He searched Dean's features for anything he might recognise.

'We're married?' he said.

Dean looked up and grimaced. 'Yeah.'

Cas looked down at his hands. There was a tan line on the ring finger of his left hand. 'My ring…'

Dean patted the drawer next to his bed. 'In here.'

'Can I see it?'

Dean hesitated, then pulled it out.

Cas turned it over in his hands. It was a plain gold band. It was polished and looked well cared for.

Dean watched him expectantly, but it didn't trigger any memories.

Cas sighed and passed it back to him. 'I'm sorry,' he said.

Dean shook his head. 'Don't be.' He pocketed Cas's ring. 'You know, you can ask me anything. If you had any questions… I like to think I know you pretty well.'

Cas considered him for a moment. 'Am I gay?'

Dean chuckled, a real smile on his face. 'Yeah, you are.'

Cas nodded. That felt right. 'Are you?'

'No.'

'Ah, so I'm special, am I?'

'You could say that.'

Cas looked at him closer. Worry lines creased his forehead, and deep purple shadows ringed his eyes. 'How long have you been here?'

'Today?'

Cas nodded.

'Well, I came to visit yesterday afternoon, like always, but then your EEG started showing some activity. So we waited to see if you would wake up, and you did, but we had to put you back under.'

'Why?'

'You were freaking out and we couldn't get your tubes out.'

'So you stayed while I was asleep?'

'Yeah.'

Cas could see it in Dean's face, his expression begging Cas to remember.

Then Sam came back in, accompanied by a nurse with a tray. It had a pitcher of water on it, and what looked like pudding cups.

The nurse placed the tray on the table attached to Cas's bed, and pulled it out for him.

He pushed himself up again, arms shaking with the effort. His head spun, but he kept himself up. He took hold of the pitcher, but found himself unable to lift it. Dean reached over and poured a cup for him.

He was able to drink for himself, albeit shakily, and the water was cool, soothing his dry, scratchy throat.

'Now, you want to take these slow,' the nurse said, opening his pudding cups for him. 'You haven't had anything solid for a while, so your stomach is going to be a little off.'

Eating was a little easier than drinking, not having to hold so much weight in his hand at a time.

The nurse left them to it, taking a glance at Cas's monitors before departing.

Cas put a spoonful of one of them into his mouth and made a face. 'Does this taste funny to you?' He offered it to Sam and Dean, both of whom tasted it.

'Tastes fine to me,' Sam shrugged.

'Yeah, it's just banana pudding,' Dean frowned.

Cas took another mouthful, but screwed up his face. 'I don't like it.'

'But you love banana,' Dean said.

'Maybe getting hit in the head can change the way you taste stuff,' Sam suggested.

'Yeah, maybe.'

Dean was quiet while Cas ate the rest of his food.

He felt a lot better after he'd eaten, as though his head had decided to stay put now that he had something in his stomach.

Soon, Sam got up, stretching. 'Listen, guys, I gotta go. I got some stuff to take care of. Cas, I know you don't remember me, or anything, but I want you to know how great it is to have you back. It was touch and go for a while there, and… well, it's just good to have you back.'

'Thank you, uh…'

'Sam.'

'Right. Thank you, Sam.'

Sam then left as well, leaving Cas and Dean alone.

'How long have we been married?' Cas asked, rubbing his ring finger.

'Six years,' Dean said.

'Really?'

'Yeah.' Dean watched him rubbing his finger and smiled slightly. 'You used to do that a lot. Play with your ring. When you're thinking. Maybe that means there's still something there.'

Cas nodded. 'Do you have any pictures?'

'Of our wedding? Uh, only one on me, hold on.' He dug in his pockets for his phone. 'Here.'

He showed Cas the lock screen. It was definitely of the two of them, though Cas barely recognised himself. They were standing outside, holding hands and beaming around. There were flower petals everywhere.

'It looks real cheesy, but it was a good day,' Dean said.

'It looks like it was.' Cas handed back the phone.

Dean pocketed it and clasped his hands together. 'Well, at least you believe me.'

'What do you mean?'

'You don't remember me at all, so why should you trust me?'

Cas shrugged. 'I don't know. You seem trustworthy to me.'

After a while, the doctor returned with Cas's charts and x-rays. He explained all the breakages to Cas, and showed him the damaged areas of his brain on a copy of his CT scan.

'That looks bad,' Cas said.

'Well, no brain damage is good, but you're right. We were worried that you'd remain in a vegetative state, but here you are.'

'Here I am.'

'How are we looking here, doc? Will he recover?' Dean asked anxiously.

'I'm afraid it's hard to say at this point,' the doctor said, a sympathetic expression on his face. 'But I like to be optimistic. It'll take a lot of work, but I think, in time, he'll be able to recover his memory.'

Dean nodded.

'Does all of this make sense, Cas?' the doctor asked.

'I think so,' Cas said, rubbing his head.

'All right, then, I'll send the physiotherapist in.' He left, and a girl with dark hair came in.

'Hello,' she smiled. 'I'm Alex.'

'Nice to meet you, Alex,' Cas said politely.

Her eyes flickered to Dean briefly, but then back to Cas. She instructed Cas to do some exercises in bed first, cycling his legs, and pushing his arms up and down. She got him to sit up, and swing his legs around the side of the bed. They looked skinny and pale. He was already aching by this point, but Alex thought they should at least try standing up.

She placed a walking frame in front of him, and held it steady. 'You can do this, Cas.'

Cas gripped the frame tightly and pushed against it. His bare feet pressed against the cold floor, pins and needles crackled through them. He put some weight on his legs, and they began to shake.

'Come on, Cas,' Alex said. 'Stand up.'

It was slow going. Sweat poured down Cas's face from the effort, but he managed to stand up. Alex was close at his side, ready to help him if something went wrong. He caught her eye before he collapsed back onto the bed, breathing heavily.

'Do I know you?' he asked her, frowning.

Alex glanced at Dean again. 'Yeah, Cas, it's me, Alex. We work together.'

Dean got up and left the room, dragging his boot slightly behind him.

'We work together?' Cas said, watching Dean go.

'Yeah. We started together as nurses.'

'Here?'

'That's right.'

'I'm a nurse?'

Alex smiled at him. 'Yeah. A pretty good one.'

'Do you know Dean?'

Alex looked at the door Dean had left through. 'I know him a little. Enough to know he won't give up on you.'

'Is that good?'

'I think so.' Alex smiled. 'You've done really well today. Keep doing your exercises, and I'm going to leave the frame here in case you feel like walking around, okay?'

Cas lay quietly, now tired from exercising, and was soon asleep. He was woken later on to eat, this time it was some sort of savory baby food, which tasted a lot better than the pudding he'd had earlier. He ate alone, however, Dean had not returned.

He tried standing again once he'd finished eating, and even managed to take a step forwards before sitting back down. He then did some more leg exercises, until he tired himself out again and fell back asleep.

That night, Cas awoke in the dark. All the lights had been turned off. He wondered what had disturbed him, and saw that his door was ajar, and he could hear voices outside. He shifted closer, careful not to make any noise, and listened hard.

'I can't do this, Sam,' someone said, his voice cracking. Sam and Dean must be back.

'What are you talking about?' Sam said.

'Why does he recognise her and not me?'

'Dean, he's been working with her for years.'

'He's been married to me for years.'

'So? Brains are weird. Do you think if he could choose who to remember, he wouldn't choose you?'

'But-'

'Look, Dean, you made a promise to him. I was there, we all were. Whether he knows it or not, he needs you, so you're gonna get your ass back in there and be the supportive husband that you are, do you understand me?'

'Sam-'

'I mean it, Dean, he's your husband, not mine.'

Dean sighed. 'You're right.'

'Yeah, I am. Can't you tell that he's trying to remember you? He hasn't stopped staring at you since he woke up.'

'I guess… 'Night, Sam.'

Cas hurriedly closed his eyes, so Dean wouldn't think he'd been listening.

Dean came in, dragging his boot as quietly as he could, and sat down in his chair.

Cas's stomach clenched, and he curled up as much as he could with everything attached to him. Then he felt a hand on his back.

'Cas?'

Cas slowly turned, wincing as he did so.

'Are you okay?'

'Stomach cramps,' Cas mumbled. 'Are you?'

'Yeah, I'm fine.'

'When do you get the boot off?'

'A few days.'

'Does it hurt?'

'Not any more.'

Cas's stomach churned even more, and he realised that he didn't want Dean to leave. 'I don't want you to go,' he whispered. 'That's good, right?'

'Yeah, that's real good,' Dean murmured. 'And I'm not going anywhere.'

Inspired by a new song by one of my favourite bands. might pick it up later on.