Cracks in Concrete
September
It was Ellie's first day back at DePaul after the summer break, her sophomore year. Two more years, Ellie knew before she had to decide whether or not she wanted to follow in her parents footsteps and go to law school, too. But she did not know if she wanted to work in the law anymore. Ellie had always dreamed about becoming a lawyer, ever since she had been to her father's office the day she had turned seven. A lot had changed in the last twelve years, though. The public scrutiny certainly had made things a lot more complicated, had made her feel even more conflicted than she had before. Some days the law – the scandals and media attention had become such a burden she had felt like she could no longer breathe, no longer exist inside this predetermined career path.
–
She knocked on his door at 11pm. He was surprised to see her so late on a school night but when he saw her with her shoulders held low and an aura of insecurity around her, he wanted to protect her from the world – the scandal and the public humiliation. He pressed her firmly against his chest and kissed the top of her head. She cried against the crook of his neck and Will felt so furious, so fucking angry at Peter that he considered briefly driving there and punching him in the face.
Later they sat on his couch, talking about what had happened in the last twelve hours. Ellie told Will about finding out about it from her classmates and what her Mom had said, done, seemed like. Sad. Disillusioned. Broken.
"What's going to happen now, Dad?" Ellie asked, moving forward to snuggle against the side of his body. Will put his arms around her shoulders to bring her closer and hold her tightly against his ribcage.
"He'll be indicted, most likely. Childs will want to clean up shop now. He'll have Peter arrested, I suppose. I doubt they'll allow to post bail, but who knows. We'll have to wait, be patient and not lose faith, okay?"
"Okay," Ellie said barely above a whisper. She felt safe in her father's arms and it let the tiresome day catch up with her. Her eyes grew heavier by the second. She closed them for a few moments, breathing rhythmically to the sound of her father's beating heart.
"Can I stay with you tonight?"
"Of course. Go get ready and I'll call your Mom."
They both sat up and Will tried to stand up when Ellie's hand reached for his arm. He looked back at her.
"I love you, daddy!"
He felt the anger flare up again in his chest. He helped her up, hugged her to his chest and pressed another soft kiss against the top of her head.
"I love you, too!"
Will was sure then that the next time he saw Peter he would have to show a great deal of restraint not to punch him in the face.
Whenever someone had asked her about that day Ellie had simply shrugged, looked away and replied quietly that it had been a rainy day.
But Ellie did not talk about it much, did not talk much at all. People would often ask her why she was so shy, sometimes they would call her rude, too. Ellie was neither shy nor rude.
She was smart but quiet. The kind of student who did not talk much, really only when asked to speak but then she would answer the question correctly and sit quietly at her desk for the rest of the class.
Most days Ellie just felt like she had nothing to say, nothing to add to the story when those who knew nothing thought they knew everything in the first place.
Whenever she let herself remember all she saw was mother's face, so full of pain and worry. All she ever heard was her mother's voice, calm but fearful.
Despite Alicia's best efforts to hide away her insecurity and humiliation, Ellie realized – probably for the first time, how fragile her mom really was.
Ellie came home from school that day and hugged her mom tightly to her own chest. She knew then that nothing would ever be the same again.
It was a rainy day in Chicago when Elizabeth realized that she needed to grow up sooner than she thought she had to.
–
Alicia was so tired, her head was throbbing and her throat was sore. She had caught the flufrom Zach or Grace, probably both of them. She felt nauseatedbut too weak to get up. Alicia really needed to pee but did not know how to move without throwing up in the process. She decided to close her eyes instead.
Twenty minutes later she woke up to the uncomfortable feeling of a full bladder. Screw it, she thought and lifted herself up off the mattress, albeit slowly. After she was done in the bathroom she decided to get herself a glass of water and some Advil. That's when she saw it.
Peter was sleeping on the couch with a blanket draped over himself. Alicia walked closer. It was not a blanket at all, she noticed. Ellie was lying on top of Peter, snuggled against his body snoring lightly and drooling on Peter's dress shirt. Peter seemed oblivious to everything around him, his hands firmly around Ellie's shoulders holding her close to his chest they were napping peacefully on this fine Sunday afternoon.
Alicia's heart skipped a beat. She walked over to the cupboard to fetch the camera who was stored away safely in the top drawer. The cupboard squeaked when she opened it which made her turn around to see if either of them had woken up. She sighed in relief when she realized they were both fast asleep, grabbed the camera and walked quietly back toward the couch to take a photo of Peter and Ellie snuggling on the couch.
Her life was great, Alicia thought as she took the photo with a content smile on her face.
Ellie did not know exactly what happened, respected her parents too much to demand answers but knew enough to piece it all together. Snippets of conversations she overheard, the guilty look on her mother's face when she spent too much time with her dad at work and the fact that her dad was still in love, had probably never not been in love with her mom.
The first time she heard the word bastard was when she was just shy of nine years old. She did not understand what it meant until much later but her relationship with Jackie had been strained ever since. Ellie was not supposed to be there, to eavesdrop on this particular conversation but she was and she did.
A few months later Ellie broke her arm, chasing after Zach on their bikes. Her brakes stopped working and she flew over the handlebars. Zach tried to carry her home on his back and when Peter saw what was going on, he rushed outside to take Ellie from Zach's arms. He cradled her against his chest, trying to console her. Later in the hospital the doctors gave her some painkillers before setting her arm and putting a cast on it. The cast was purple, she liked it. She felt sleepy when Peter told her he loved her, despite everything. He loved her, he said she could have been his, too.
Ellie loved numbers. Maths was one of her favorite subjects in school. She liked it when things could be explained, analyzed rationally. She was twelve years old when she first thought she might have been wrong about the main numbers that added up to her existence. Ellie was twelve. Her parents had met seventeen years ago. Peter and her mom had been married for 11 years. Zach was ten and Grace was eight. It was just a simple sentence, one among many of polite conversations she had overheard over the years. How long have you been together, a neighbor had asked casually offering a beer to Peter. Fourteen years, Peter had replied. He had not realized Ellie had been close by, close enough to hear and understand.
Ellie had been an accident.
"We did it." Will said happily, opening a bottle of champagne Alicia had brought with her. He would have rather had scotch but he remembered the last time Alicia drank scotch and everything that happened afterward. Will would rather not have to make the same decision again because he was not sure he could.
"We did it." Alicia smiled proudly.
"Three years of law school and we still want to be lawyers."
She laughed at his words. His heart skipped a beat and he promised himself to drown his arousal in a sea of alcohol, an ocean if need be. Alicia would move to Chicago at the end of the month, he knew. Peter was in Chicago. Peter. Alicia's boyfriend.
Three years filled with missed opportunities and bad timing left a bitter taste in his mouth. He swallowed a lump in his throat and filled two glasses with champagne. He clinked his glass to hers.
"To the future. May the law be with us."
They drank in silence. Then her phone rang. He knew it was Peter before she even excused herself to take the call. It had always been Peter in the defining moments of their relationship. It would always be Peter, Will thought bitterly and drowned the rest of the champagne in his glass in one go.
Alicia came back ten minutes later. She seemed no longer happy, relieved and curiously optimistic toward her future. It had only been ten minutes but she seemed older, worn. In that moment he hated Peter, hated the ability Peter held to make this beautiful and smart woman lose all of her confidence and self-worth with just an ill-placed demand.
"What's going on?" Will asked while taking a step towards her.
Alicia was unable to speak, unable to breathe. She stood there, looking at Will. Her Will. She wondered how two people who seemed so right and so wrong for each other could even exist in the same romantic illusion. Then she thought about Peter again, thought about his internship in London, his need to experience freedom and his desire to drag her along with him. She sighed.
"It's over."
Alicia stepped closer to Will. His eyes were so full of empathy and love it broke her heart for a second time within the span of ten minutes.
She kissed him first, silenced his 'I'm sorrys' and 'we shouldn'ts' with the desire to fulfill what they had both been longing for three years.
So he kissed her back, let his hands thread through her hair and bringing her closer to him, as close as possible. It might be a mistake, he knew. They might wake up in the morning and regret it ever happened. Well if he was honest with himself he knew he would not, could not ever regret being with Alicia Cavanaugh. But Alicia might, she would, he thought. He should have stopped it, told her to make up with Peter but he did not find the strength to do that, to be the second person that night to reject her. He would never, could never let her down.
He walked her backwards to his bedroom while his hands were working hastily to unbutton her blouse. Her hands were on the hem of his jeans, working on his belt and zipper. The back of her knees came in contact with the bed frame. She bit down on his lips in surprise and he groaned throatily in response. He was hard already and she could feel it through the fabric of his jeans. It aroused her immensely and a shiver ran down her spine. Alicia had always wondered what it would be like to be with Will, what it would feel like to be with him after all these years of yearning and passively standing by. He was attentive Alicia learned quickly when he brought her softly down to lie on her back, he undid her pants and took them off of her. He placed soft kisses all the way from the tip of her big toe to the sensitive skin of her inner thighs. He looked at her then, eyes darkened by desire, she could still see how beautiful she must seem to him. In that moment, as fleeting as it might be, she wondered whether or not they might stand a chance at making a romantic relationship work. At least she wanted to believe that it was possible.
When his mouth covered her clitoris Alicia moaned loudly. She must have drifted off, lost in her own thoughts. Somehow he had managed to take off her underwear without her noticing. Now he was working hard at making her come and it felt so good, Alicia could scream. So she did. Scream. And come. Twice.
Alicia helped him take off his clothes. He reached for the night stand but Alicia put a hand on his arm to stop him.
"I'm on the pill."
Will nodded and kissed her hard on the mouth.
Her phone rang, she recognized the ringtone right away. Folsom Prison Blues.Ellie smiled, grabbed her phone and pressed answer.
"Hi Dad!"
It had been two weeks since she had last seen him, one since they had talked on the phone. Ellie had spent two weeks at her Aunt Aubrey's place in New York City, playing the guitar and writing their own songs. Her dad had taught her how to play the guitar and made her fall in love with the power and beauty of music.
Learning how to play the guitar was something most people could do but the hard part was not giving up when practice was needed. No one ever learned how to play the guitar in one day, Will knew. Ellie had loved to watch him play the guitar. She had often looked at him in awe, letting her small fingers wander over the wooden surface of his acoustic guitar. He wanted to teach her, wanted her to experience the beauty of making music themselves rather than relying on other people.
Will bought her a guitar for her tenth birthday.
"It is important, El, to distinguish between a bad musician and a good one. If you are as good as your favorite musician after only a couple of weeks," Will paused and looked at his daughter who was concentrating intensively on what he was saying, it made him smile proudly. "You'll have to consider following a more skilled musician."
Ellie nodded understandingly, playing with the strings of her guitar carefully.
"Take the time to study your instrument. Learn the names and functions of every part, no matter how simple and small they might appear. Learn how sounds are emitted and how tension affects the strings. Listen to your guitar, make it a part of yourself. Just like you listen to your body when your throat hurts you realize you might be sick. So listen to your guitar, feel it."
Will wanted to teach her the C chord first. He put her little fingers on the appropriate strings before he continued to tell her more about the art of playing the guitar.
"Teach yourself as many different ways of playing a chord as you can. Not every way will feel right, will fit your fingers or their way of moving. The one that feels best to you will be the opening C chord but the more ways you know, the more flexibility you will feel moving from one chord to the next, okay? You'll have to practice often, El. That is very important. But don't be impatient either, okay? If you push yourself too far too fast you might lose interest, might end up disliking it all together. Practice as often as you can but wait patiently for the music to unfold on its own, okay?"
Ellie nodded her head again in understanding and Will's heart fluttered. He leaned over to place a soft kiss on the top of her head.
"Okay, let's practice some chords!"
"Hey El!"
Will sat back in his office chair. He had a couple of minutes in between meetings and court dates. It was a hectic day, week, month at Lockhart/Gardner. They were desperately trying to stay afloat, Will especially. He did not want to pressure his daughter on what she was going to do professionally but if she decided to become a lawyer he would want her to come work here and maybe someday take over this – his firm.
"How was your first day back?" He asked and looked around to gather some of the documents he would have to take to court with him in a few minutes.
"It was alright. It's the first week, everyone's trying to shock us with the amount of work we'll have to do. Do you..."
Ellie tried to ask him if he felt like meeting up for dinner tonight but she was interrupted by the sound of someone knocking on her dad's office door.
"Work. Boring lawyer stuff. It's never to late to jump ship, you know. Become a rock star." Will said teasingly.
"Sex, drugs and rock 'n' roll?" Ellie was smiling now because despite his best efforts to be a cool dad who would not put too many restrictions on his daughter and her choices in life, he would not want to think of her living that kind of life; the life of a musician. Will loved music but the life of a musician was often times paired with unsteady income, no real home due to the constant traveling and the offers of sleazy perverts, promising fame and big-money deals. Will wanted only the best, happiness and health, for his daughter. He had worked hard to provide for her in the best way he knew how.
Will coughed in fake surprise and said sternly in what she mockingly called the dad voice.
"On second thought, maybe you should become a librarian."
Ellie laughed wholeheartedly at his comment. She loved being around her dad. They had an amazing relationship. They had always been close, even when for a little while they had not lived in the same city. Ellie adored Will and if she was honest with herself he was the reason she wanted to become a lawyer, an exceptional one.
"El? Your mom just came in. Do you want to talk to her for a sec?"
"Sure."
Will handed the phone to Alicia, grabbed his briefcase and stored the documents he had been gathering moments ago safely into one of its compartments. He grabbed his suit jacket of the rack and walked towards the door, gesturing for Alicia to follow him.
"Hey Ellie, how was school today?" Alicia asked with a smile on her face as she followed Will out the door and towards the elevators.
"Hi, Mom. It was good. Lots of info, the usual. How was your weekend?"
Ellie stood up while she waited for her mom to speak, grabbed her backpack and started walking towards her dorm room with her friend Helena close by.
"Busy. I missed you." Alicia said as she stood next Will in front of the elevators. The doors opened and before she lost reception she said softly.
"I gotta go. I'll call you later, ok? I love you!"
"Love you, too, Mom."
Ellie hung up the phone and turned towards Helena before she asked.
"What do you want to do?"
Helena thought about it for a few seconds before she replied with a bright smile on her face.
"Downton Abbey?"
"Sweet."
They giggled half the way back to the dorm rooms and Ellie felt comforted by the sheer presence of her friend who she had only met a year ago but who was without a doubt the closest friend she had ever had. They were very similar in a lot of ways and it helped them get through the difficulties of school and everyday life.
Alicia gave Will his phone back. The elevator doors closed and for a few moments they rode in complete silence.
"We're lucky. She's a great kid." Will said and smiled proudly.
"She is."
"You did a great job, Alicia. Thank you!"
"You did, too, Will. Don't sell yourself short. She adores you."
Seven pounds and three ounces had never felt so heavy in his arms, Will thought. He was a father. Will was scared, horrified because of the responsibility he felt for this little human being, his daughter.
He would have to care for somebody else, somebody who relied on him. Another person who needed him to provide for, to support, to have faith in.
Will knew his life would never be the same again and he had no clue how he was going to do as a father, whether or not he could be a good one to his daughter.
"She's beautiful." Will said, holding her in his arms and looking at Alicia proudly.
For a moment it was easy to forget about life and love and complications too twisted to fix. He forgot about Peter, about engagements, about one night no one talked about and love that was never supposed to exist in places other than steady relationships. He forgot about kisses and orgasms so deeply routed in desire, they made excuses to lies.
Right now with Elizabeth Adrienne Gardner in his arms, he felt like the world was beginning to right itself.
"Thank you," Will said again firmly, holding eye contact.
It was not just thank you for raising her well. He thanked her for telling him, for believing in him to be a parent, even when he did not believe in himself.
Alicia smiled at him and nodded understandingly.
He was not at all sure she really did.
"Will, we need to talk."
It was Alicia. On his doorstep. In Baltimore. Maybe Will thought he was hallucinating. He pinched the bridge of his nose. His head was throbbing and he was certain his alcohol level would still be considered as 'quite drunk'. There was a woman he did not care about in his bed and the woman who he cared deeply about on his doorstep. At 8am. In Baltimore. On a Sunday.
"Alicia?" His voice was hoarse and what was supposed to be a statement sound more like a question. Will was confused. And hungover, very.
"We need to talk." Alicia said firmly, crossing her arms in front of her chest.
"Come in. I'll make you some coffee."
Will opened the further allowing her to step in. He led her to the kitchen and held out a chair for her to sit down. She did, crossed her legs and fumbled nervously with the hem of her shirt.
"No coffee for me."
She tried to smile but could not quite bring herself to do so. The importance of the conversation she was about to have with him was almost discouraging her, making her want to run away or vomit; maybe both.
"No coffee? You sick or something?" Will joked. He turned around, handed her a glass of water and sat beside her on the kitchen table with a crooked smile on his face.
In that moment Alicia hated herself. She hated herself for coming here, for being unable to do what had crossed her mind once, maybe twice but was not something she liked to entertain further. She hated herself for being weak, not because she did not go through with an abortion. No, she would not have done it. She believed life to be a gift. She hated herself for being weak around Will, with Will. If she had not broken up with Peter she would not have fallen into bed with Will. She hated herself for believing that, too.
They had whatever they had and now they had to talk, they had to make plans for the future. They had to be adults in every aspect of their lives.
Will looked at her questioningly and Alicia realized that she had lost herself in her thoughts again.
"I'm pregnant." She paused, took a sip of water and giving him time to digest the news before she continued. "Peter asked me to marry him. I said yes."
She swallowed bile, took a deep breath and after she had told him she watched his world fall to pieces. It crushed her heart.
*** November
Hi Dad. I need to stop by your office later. My computer crashed. Can your IT fix it? Class till 3pm. Love, El.
Ellie pressed send, put her phone back on the desk in front of her. It certainly was an unfortunate moment for this but her luck had not really run any other way for the last couple of years, she thought cynically. The deadline for this essay on European politics' influence on the American markethad originally been Monday. The professor had spontaneously changed it to Thursday. Her computer had crashed yesterday. Today was Wednesday and she had only learned about the date change when Helena asked her if she was done yet. Ellie was running horribly behind. She hated every minute of it.
Her display lit up, announcing a new message.
Of course. Drop it off on the 27th. I'll let them know to take care of it. Court till 3:30. Free until 4:15. Come by and use my computer? Dinner tonight? Love, Dad.
Ellie smiled and responded immediately.
Thanks, Dad. Yes! But no take-out. I'll cook. Need groceries? Essay due tomorrow. Long story. Probably staying over. Ok? Same password?
Ellie set her phone back on the desk, closed her macroeconomics book and put it in her backpack. Her equality and social justice class was in ten minutes and Ellie hated being late. Her phone sprang to life once again. She checked the message.
Ok. Groceries! Pick some up on the way home? Tell me later. Same. Drop by your mom's office, too. Later, kiddo.
Ellie read the message while walking towards her class room, halted briefly to consider a thought and nodded in satisfaction when she thought she knew how she should go about it. Then she typed her reply.
I'll pick some up on the way to your place. Be home by 7. Bulls at 8. Class now. Later. Love you! PS: Change password! EAG93? Easy hack. Phone off.
Ellie grinned and continued walking. Maybe this day would not be so bad after all, she thought.
"You were late again!" Grace said angrily. "Zach and I were waiting for you. But you were too busy making out with your boyfriend to think about us. I'll tell Mom about it!"
Grace slammed the door to her room. Zach and Ellie stood in the living room, surprised by this sudden outburst.
Ellie knocked on Grace's door. Nothing happened. Ellie knocked again.
"Hey Gracie, what's wrong?" Ellie said softly against the closed door. She heard rumbling and shoveling inside. "Come on, open up. Tell me what's bothering you."
Ellie waited. The door opened. Grace's eyes were bloodshot and she was shivering. Ellie's chest tightened and she brought her arms around Grace's shoulders to hug her closely to her chest. Grace started crying against the crook of Ellie's neck and Ellie let her hand come up to Grace's head to caress her softly, consoling her little sister. Ellie walked them further into the room, closed the door and headed for the bed. They lied down facing each other. Ellie placed her hand on the side of Grace's head, putting strands of hair behind her ear. They looked at each other in silence for a few moments before Ellie spoke softly, almost inaudibly.
"Now tell me what's really going on."
Grace swallowed, closed her eyes briefly to hold back tears.
"Do you think they're getting a divorce?"
Ellie let her hand wander from the side of Grace's head to the space between her shoulder and neck. She squeezed it lightly before rubbing it in circles with her palm reassuringly.
"I don't know." Ellie paused briefly to wipe away a tear which was running down Grace's cheek. "I don't think so."
Grace nodded lightly.
"I overheard Mom talking to your Dad the other day and I think...I think they might be...maybe they are...you know..."
Ellie sighed as realization hit her. She felt sorry for Grace. The scandals had been hard on her, Grace was not as strong as Ellie was. But then, Grace had not lived the life of the 'bastard child' Ellie thought angrily, remembering Jackie's words.
"Is that why you're mad at me? Because of my Dad?"
"Yes...no...I don't know." Grace said apologetically.
Ellie placed a kiss on Grace's forehead, stood up and walked towards the door. She halted and turned around.
When she spoke, she did so with traces of hurt and sadness in her voice.
"Be mad at me for being late. But don't be mad at me for being my Dad's daughter."
She opened the door and walked out of Grace's room. Maybe, she thought to herself the time had come to leave, to move out of this apartment and to move in with her Dad.
She made a promise to revisit that thought at a later time and to contemplate it further.
–
Ellie was surprised it took him as long as it did, after all she had been inside her mother's office for approximately sixty seconds when she heard the knock on the door frame. She had been screening his calls for about six weeks now. She picked up once, realized it was Eli and excused herself shortly after. That sneaky SOB had somehow gotten her digits. She liked his persistence, Ellie gave him that. But Ellie did not want to be used in any kind of way to further Peter's campaign. Frankly, she was very indifferent towards the outcome and therefore had nothing of importance to say anyway.
Ellie turned around with a polite smile on her face.
"Well, good afternoon, Eli. What can I do for you?"
Eli took that as an invitation to step further into the room. He coughed, swallowed and looked at her sternly.
"Elizabeth. You're screening my calls." It did not sound like a question and Ellie supposed it was not supposed to in the first place. It made her smirk. If he did not run Peter's campaign, Ellie guessed she could have a better relationship with him. " I need to know if anyone of Kristeva's people tried to talk to you? There are rumors. I need to know if you did talk to someone and what you said exactly."
Ellie looked down and laughed bitterly.
"Eli. What do you think 'I don't want to be a part of this' means? I'm not stupid..."
"Grace was approached and she didn't realize she was talking to some of Childs' people."
Ellie looked at him incredulously. She raised one of her eyebrows and straightened her shoulders.
"No one ever taught you that it's rude to interrupt people while they're speaking?"
This might be a new record, Ellie supposed. It had taken him approximately two minutes to annoy the shit out of her.
"No one ever taught you to treat others with respect?" Eli sounded pissed off. If things had been different, though, Eli supposed he could have been friends with this fierce and smart young woman.
"Hello kettle, my name's pot."
Eli's phone started ringing. Saved by the bell, Ellie thought. He excused himself to take the phone but before he could step out of the room, Ellie called after him.
"I didn't talk to anyone, Eli. Whatever you heard, it's not true."
Eli turned around and smiled.
"Thank you."
Always a pleasure, Ellie whispered to no one in particular. She turned around and walked over to her mom's desk, grabbed a pen and wrote a note. She stuck it to the screen of her mom's computer and left.
Hey Mom,
Stopped by to say hello. I'm in Dad's office. Will be around till 6pm.
Love,
Ellie
The Importance of the European Union and its currency reforms on the U.S. American market can be proven by Mankiw's theory on...
Ellie sat on the couch of her dad's office, listening to music on her iPod and going through her macroeconomics books to try and find proof for the theories she had on European's influence on America's economical leadership. Neither her dad nor her mom had come back from court yet, so she decided to use the time to try and get as much done as she could.
The display of her phone lit up and it vibrated on the glass table. She grabbed it and read the message.
Hey, how are you? Can you come by on the weekend? I could use some pointers. College applications due soon. -Z
The music on her iPod changed from Bon Iver to Bob Dylan when she started typing her reply. She hummed quietly to the tune of Subterranean Homesick Blues.
Good. Hope all's well with you, too. I'll stay over Sat-Sun. Call you later, k? Busy. - E
"Looking for a new friend. The man in the coon-skip cap. In the big pen, wants eleven dollar bills. You only got ten..."
Ellie did not realize she had been singing but someone started talking to her and she was startled out of her musical reverie.
–
"Happy birthday, darling." Veronica said and lifted her champagne flute in the direction of Ellie.
"It's not my birthday, Grandma." Ellie said with a crooked smile on her lips – her father's and curiosity in her voice.
"Graduation is like a birthday. You are free to do anything you like now. So happy graduation-birthday!" Veronica smiled proudly and grabbed a second glass and the half-empty bottle of champagne. She walked out to the back of the garden, motioning for Ellie to follow her.
Veronica filled the second flute with champagne and handed it to Ellie who looked at her grandma curiously.
"I won't tell if you don't tell." Veronica smirked and Ellie grabbed the glass.
They clinked it together and took a sip each. Well, Ellie did. Veronica drowned the rest of her drink in one go and filled it once again with what was still in the bottle.
"What are your plans now?"
"Now? I'll be staying at dad's place until I fly to Europe. Then..."
"Who are you going there with again?"
Ellie liked her grandmother so she smiled politely but Ellie also hated being interrupted, hated rude behavior in general. There was no need, she thought to herself. She was taught to be respectful and she lived up to that.
"My aunt Aubrey. Dad's younger sister."
"Drink up," Veronica said and pointed to the flute in Ellie's hand. "Before the cavalry shows up."
Ellie brought the glass to her lips when she heard the unmistakable sound of her least favorite person at this – her own graduation party.
"Elizabeth Adrienne!"
Full name, Ellie noticed with the hint of a smile on her lips. She bit down on her own lip to keep from laughing out loud, handed the glass to Veronica and turned around.
"Jackie."
–
"Oh hey, Diane."
Ellie said friendly, sitting up straight and pausing the music on her iPod. Her books and pieces of paper were strewn all over the glass surface of her dad's office table. Ellie smiled at Diane crookedly – like father, like daughter Diane thought to herself.
Ellie looked like her mom in many ways. She was tall, slender with long dark hair. She had the eyes of her father, though and the smile. Luckily, Diane chuckled silently, Ellie did not inherit the nose of Will. The similarities in behavior were astonishing, Diane had noticed a long time ago. When they were nervous, they both pinched the bridge of their noses. When someone complemented them, they both laughed insecurely before one of their hand went to the space between their throat and breast bone. Mostly, though when they wanted something they would give it their best to get there. Ellie looked like her mother but she was like her father in so many different ways that Diane could see the young woman becoming just as good at the law as she was, as her father was.
"Your father called. He's running a little late. Wanted me to see if you were alright or if you had any questions?"
Ellie looked for her phone and found it wretched between two pillows to her left. "Oh. Missed calls. Dad. Mom. Ah, okay. Thanks. I don't have any questions at the moment. The essay is mostly on macroeconomic theories. Unless that is also your specialty in which case I could use any help I can get."
"Sounds," Diane paused to look at the different books in front of Ellie. "Interesting."
Ellie shrugged and smiled. "It actually is. Interesting, I mean. I would have loved to have more time, though."
"Yes. Your dad mentioned something about a broken computer. Did someone talk to you about that?" Diane asked curiously, wanting to know whether or not she needed to place some phone calls.
"Yes. They said they would take a look and call my dad when it's done."
"Okay. Can I get you anything? Water, maybe?"
"No, I'm good. There's coke in the fridge. So, I'll just grab one of those later."
"Alright then. I'll let you get back to work."
"Diane?" Ellie said when the older woman's hand came in contact with the door knob. Diane turned around and smiled. "Thank you."
Diane nodded and replied, "You're welcome!"
"Your daughter has been drinking!" Jackie exclaimed and looked sternly at Alicia whose gaze focused on Ellie. Alicia raised one of her eyebrows disapprovingly. Whether it was because of Ellie's single sip of champagne or Jackie's laughable outrage, Ellie did not know. Expect the best and prepare for the worst, she thought and straightened her shoulders. Then she put on her most trustworthy smile and looked at her mother innocently.
"I wasn't drinking," Ellie began with firmness in her voice. Her mother continued to look at her sternly and Ellie faltered a little – maybe a lot but she would never admit to that. "I was having a sip of champagne with Grandma Veronica." Ellie shrugged her shoulders and looked to the ground. There was an unnerving silence between all three of them. Ellie chuckled. Alicia coughed and when Ellie looked up she noticed that her mom had crossed her arms in front of her chest. Shit, she cursed silently.
"That was it, I swear. Ask Grandma if you don't believe me."
Alicia nodded, uncrossed her arms and said with a trace of disappointment and embarrassment in her voice.
"Go, wait in the kitchen. I'll be there in a minute."
It didn't even taste that good, Ellie thought, bitterly,knowing she was going to get into serious trouble for tasting the forbidden fruit, so to speak.
January
"Do you think he'll win?" Owen asked, handing her a beer and grabbing one for himself.
Ellie looked at him funnily, unsure whether or not she should accept the beverage. The confusion must have been visible on her face because as he played with the bottle in her hands her uncle told her it was okay.
"I won't tell if you don't tell." Owen smirked.
"Deja-vu." Ellie smiled back at him, shrugged her shoulders and opened the bottle before taking a sip.
"You're eighteen." Alicia said, leaning against the kitchen counter.
"I know. I'm sorry, Mom." Ellie said sincerely. Her mom was sad and disappointed about what happened and Ellie hated to see her like that. She felt very guilty suddenly, wanting nothing more than to crawl into her mother's arms and make it all better, make all the sorrow and worry disappear.
"You're going to college in the fall and you know you're not allowed to drink for another three years. I've never had to worry about you, Elizabeth and I don't know what to say, how to make you understand that I worry now. It might just have been a sip of champagne but you knew you weren't allowed to drink and you did it anyway. You'll be offered far worse at college and it won't be likely you'll get caught. You need to understand that. Okay? I don't want to lie awake at night wondering what you're doing, if you're drinking with peers. Whether or not you'll drink too much in the wrong place at the wrong time. I don't want to wake up to a call in the middle of the night, telling me you're in the hospital because you were in an accident, got mugged...or worse."
Alicia had tears in her eyes. She crossed her arms tightly in front of her chest but when she looked at her daughter across the kitchen isle and saw the tears spilling from Ellie's eyes, she moved forward quickly. Alicia hugged her daughter close to her chest and felt the guilt rising up in her chest while placing a kiss on the top of Ellie's head. Maybe, Alicia thought insecurely she had set a bad example along the way. She vowed to herself to drink less wine in the future.
"So do you think he'll win?"
Ellie shrugged her shoulders again. She did not know. She frankly did not care as far as the election was concerned.
"I don't think about it. I worry about mid-terms and not getting caught in public doing something that might appear dubious. I worry about my dad and..."
Ellie paused, playing with the beer cap in her right hand.
"And Alicia?" Owen asked, letting one of his hands play with the soft curls of Ellie's dark hair.
"Yeah. I worry about that, too. And law school. Zach and Grace. I think about what it will be like if they all move to Springfield. I've never been all by myself...like that."
Ellie took a sip from her beer, feeling the beginning of alcohol induced numbness set in. Just at the right time, she added to that train of thoughts. She had promised her mom not to drink until she was off legal age to do so but lately she felt like promises were merely an elegant way of bending the truth, in the first place.
"I worry about my dad...a lot."
–
"Are you sleeping with Dad?" Ellie saidbluntly,which was something she had never done or been. Disrespectful in some way, even. She hated herself a little for that but she hated not knowing more, so she had asked despite her reluctance to speak to her mother like that.
Alicia was stunned by the surprisingly brusque question. She looked at her oldest child incredulously, not knowing how or what to respond. She did not need to, though. The silence was enough confirmation Ellie needed and when she nodded her head understandingly Alicia realized that she had no way of talking her way out of this.
"It's complicated." Alicia said, walking over to the fridge to pour herself another glass of wine. She had a feeling she might need it.
Are you out of your fucking mind?!
She wanted to scream out so badly, to shout out what was blatantly obvious to everyone but her mother. It was complicated and it was simple at the same time, interwoven like layers of threads from a woolen scarf. Will was in love with Alicia, had been in love with Alicia since their time at Georgetown. Will had loved Alicia even when it was neither his place nor his time to love her and Alicia had always loved him a little less than what was enough and would always love him less than he needed, wanted, deserved.
That was what Ellie wanted to say but instead she swallowed those words and smiled vaguely in astonishment.
"You left your earrings at Dad's place."
Ellie grabbed them from her purse and put them on the counter, in the space between where she was sitting and her mother was standing. It felt like the first crack in what she had always assumed was a relationship made of concrete.
"Ellie." Alicia started to explain herself but when the words failed her, it was Elizabeth who spoke instead.
"Don't do this unless you're sure, Mom." Ellie said and pointed at the two rings on Alicia's ring finger. "You're not ready."
"I separated from Peter." Alicia tried to defend herself.
Peter. It would always be Peter, Ellie knew and that was okay with her but her mother going down a different road, getting emotionally involved with her dad needed more clarity than the constant push and pull of adultery and lies which stood between Peter and Alicia and their version of happily ever after.
"Did you file for divorce?" Ellie asked, reaching for the glass in Alicia's hand, bringing it to her lips and swallowing the rest of its content together with the bitter taste of disappointment in her mother.
"Elizabeth!"
Her mother was furious with her and for the first time Ellie felt like such deep anger directed at her, might set her free in the parts of her life that were merely based on kindness and silence, always silence. She laughed out bitterly.
"You do drink too much, Mom." Ellie said and shrugged nonchalantly.
Another one of those observations she had been keeping to herself for far too long. If she managed to find the courage to disobey her own need to be the good child, she might as well put it all out there, Ellie thought.
"What's wrong with you lately?" Alicia asked in sheer annoyance.
"I've been living this life the past couple of years where everyone thought I didn't get hurt by what happened, that my life wasn't affected as much as everyone else's in this family. That was okay, Mom. It gave me reason not to think about how screwed my life had really become, to push aside my pain and take care of everyone else. That's over now. You want to know why I care whether or not you're sleeping with Dad? Because it will affect me in every fucking aspect of my life. You may think it'll just be little fun, make you feel better but that's a selfish way to go about it. Dad's been in love with you for twenty years, Mom! It'll turn sour soon because you're not ready to move on from Peter. I don't think you'll ever be. Dad will be the one who'll get hurt the most in the end. I can't let that happen. So, you have to stop screwing him– "
The slap across Ellie's face hurt like hell but it also felt strangely like relieving her from a burden she had been carrying around for far too long. Ellie had never been slapped by her mother, had always been the kind, respectful and loyal daughter anyone could wish for. Ellie did not realize she was crying until her mother came over to hug Ellie tightly against her chest, letting the tears be soaked up in Alicia's pullover.
Alicia's tears fell onto the crown of her daughter's head while she let her hands caress the space between Ellie's shoulder blades.
"I love your Dad." Alicia said softly, letting her hand run down the back of Ellie's head.
"I know." Ellie said, paused briefly before lifting her head to look at her mother. "But he loves you… more."
In the end, Ellie knew one thing for sure. There would not be many people getting Will's back when shit hit the fan, basically just Diane and her. The rest of the gang would rather stand by, twisting the knife a little further into Will's flesh.
"I'm sorry, Mom." Ellie said barely above a whisper much later when they were both lying on the bed in the master bedroom. They were facing each other with one of Alicia's hands tugged under her own head and the other on Ellie's right shoulder. "I was rude. I'm sorry."
Alicia nodded lightly and smiled reassuringly at her daughter.
"I'm sorry, too."
Alicia leaned forward to place a kiss on Ellie's forehead. It may not be able to make the pain go away but Alicia hoped it would help mend her daughter's broken heart just a little bit. Alicia moved toward her Ellie and brought her close enough to hug her daughter against her own chest. She switched off the lamp on the nightstand.
"Let's get some sleep."
"Hi." He said and smiled mischievously at Ellie who smiled back crookedly with one of her eyebrows raised in curiosity.
"Hi," she replied before taking a sip from her coke. "You're either uninformed or brave. I would much rather like you being brave but I guess you haven't heard yet."
Cary took a sip from his drink. Neat scotch, Ellie recognized from the countless times she had sat next to either her dad or Peter on occasions much like this one. Cary shook his head lightly, trying to remember why exactly Kalinda had told him this – chatting the young, beautiful brunette was a mistake but he could not remember a thing.
"You're a spy or something?" He made her laugh. He liked it, a lot. It made him feel better after the shitty week he'd had with being offered partnership and then having it retracted at the last possible moment.
"Or something." She smiled. "Buy me a drink and I'll tell you all about my dark secret."
She looked familiar but Cary could not remember where or if he had seen her before. It could not be that bad if he had no recollection whatsoever of who she might be, right. He smiled back at her, turned around and ordered a glass of champagne for her. Ellie told the bartender no, that she much rather have what Cary was having. The bartender looked unsure of whether or not he should go forth with handing out that drink to his employer's daughter.
Ellie smiled innocently, winked at the bartender and said. "It's okay. Don't worry about my father."
The bartender nodded and poured the glass of scotch, handed it to Cary with a warning look on his face. It really couldn't be that bad, Cary thought. At the worst she was a client's daughter but Cary had started making plans to go out on his own anyway. So, whatever he thought, might as well make the best of it.
He handed the glass to Ellie, nodded his head toward her quieter area with furniture to sit down on.
"So who's your father?" Cary asked. "And why is everyone giving me these funny looks?"
Ellie smirked, took a sip from her drink while scanning the area to see if either of her parents where anywhere close by.
"Oh, don't spoil the fun." Ellie winked at him and laughed when he looked increasingly more nervous by every attempt of hers to change the subject. Cary raised one of his eyebrows before bringing the tumbler or amber liquid to his lips.
He was drinking when Ellie said nonchalantly.
"Will."
"Will who?" Cary asked in confusion.
"Will Gardner." Ellie said watching Cary choke on his scotch.
That was when it hit him. Will had a daughter. With Alicia. He remembered the gossip. Snippets of information that did not make sense until now. Elizabeth, he thought was her name. He was screwed. Talking about barking up the wrong tree. He chuckled.
"Definitely uninformed." Cary said, taking the glass out of her hands and drowning the rest of its content in one big gulp.
Ellie laughed out loud.
"I thought so." Ellie said. "I'm sorry, Cary. I was having a little fun. Not a lot of people dare chatting me up on these events, so I decided to go with it."
"I bet, Elizabeth." Cary said. "You father can be quite scary if he sets his mind to it. And your Mom, well you would know..."
Ellie rolled her eyes but smiled nonetheless.
"Please, call me Ellie. At least then I know I'm not in trouble. No one calls me Eliz.."
"Elizabeth!"
Both their heads turned in surprise.
"David." Ellie nodded and suppressed a smile. Cary shifted nervously on his seat. Ellie chuckled. But then she had been around these people for much longer than Cary had. She knew them all very well, especially David Lee.
David pointed to the two glasses in Cary's hand and said with a smirk.
"They fell for your fake ID again? Amateurs." He took a sip from his drink and walked casually over to were Ellie and Cary were sitting.
"Didn't have to. I let Cary do the dirty work. Plausible deniability." Ellie shrugged and winked at Cary.
"I wouldn't let Alicia catch you, Cary. She's in a mood." David said before turning to Ellie. "I just won 100 bucks because of you two lovebirds. I bet good money on Cary being stupid enough to chat you up tonight. Thanks a lot!" David smiled proudly. "Do carry on."
Then he left and Cary really needed another drink or possible three, with someone who was neither under age nor related to anyone of his bosses.
He excused himself politely and left for the bar.
Ellie just sat there, laughing and texting her friend Hannah.
April
She was there by accident or as her mom had put it earlier 'a necessary precaution'. Ellie hated these kind of events. The need to mingle and make polite conversation with strangers unnerved her, especially when most of these people had opinions of their own she rather not wanted to hear.
Will had left before she got there to drive down to the precinct to help Alicia. Veronica, Zach and Grace had not arrived yet and Diane was off talking to someone from Peter's campaign staff. Clearly Ellie was in a less than stellar mood.
"Elizabeth, isn't it."
Ellie turned around to see who was trying to talk to her now. When she saw the man she had only heard about she sighed and chuckled while shaking her head.
"Mr. Kresteva." Ellie said curtly, albeit politely.
She looked at him, holding her glass of lemonade tightly to keep herself from turning around and hiding in the nearest closet. Ellie hated those kind of events and being by herself in a room full of nosy gossipers certainly did not make her like it even the slightest bit more.
She looked at him expectantly, waiting for Kresteva to say something that gave her an opportunity to excuse herself or annoy him with silence so he would leave on his own volition.
"I see. People told me you weren't a woman of many words."
Kresteva said daringly, putting on his best impression of trustworthy to try and buy her confidence or at least act like it because Ellie was certain a politician of his public presence could not be fooled to believe she would trust him.
"I don't have anything to say to you." Ellie smirked and smiled sweetly at the older man.
"Nothing. At all. Not even how much you dislike me and my politics for dragging you into this whole campaign theatrics?"
He was persistent, Ellie had to give him that. She took a last sip from her lemonade and put the empty glass on the bar counter next to her.
"I don't know about you but my parents taught me that if I hadn't anything nice to say to someone it would be best not to say anything at all."
Kresteva nodded his head in understanding and chuckled a little too loudly to be considered sincere.
"So you don't like me much, do you?" He said, raising one of his eyebrows daringly.
"I didn't say that, did I now?"
Ellie smirked and opened her mouth to excuse herself from this failed attempt of polite conversing when she heard Eli clearing his throat to her left.
"Elizabeth. Kresteva." Eli looked from Ellie to Kresteva and back to Ellie. He held her gaze, trying to figure out how much damage control he would have to do now. Ellie smiled, shook her head and leaned further toward Kresteva.
"Look. I know you came here to hear me say something bad about Peter, Mr. Kresteva. Something you could use against him in the same way you've always made your opponents look bad. Here's the truth, I have nothing to say to you. Peter might not be perfect but he is twice man you'll ever be, even on your best days."
Ellie looked at a dumbstruck Kresteva, smiled in satisfaction and turned to leave.
Those events might not be so bad after all, she thought and walked toward the main door to make a phone call.
Ellie knocked on Zach's door when she did not get a response right away, she knocked again and called out for him.
"Come in." Ellie heard Zach say and she opened the door to step into the room. Zach turned around in his chair and looked curiously at his sister who was holding a brown paper bag in her hands.
Ellie sat down on the edge of Zach's bed. She crossed her legs and handed him the bag. Zach opened it to peak inside and when he looked up and at her again he did so with great confusion.
"Do you remember what you promised me?" Ellie began and watched her brother closely for any reaction of acknowledgment. Zach nodded.
"You promised you'd come to me when the time came. I'm not around as much as I used to but I hear things, Zach. I need you to know that you can talk to me about it. I know it is weird to talk to Mom about it, so I'm here."
"I know." Zach said quietly, looking every bit as embarrassed as Ellie would have been given the topic of conversation.
"The time hasn't come yet." Zach said and smiled reassuringly at his big sister.
"Okay. I just want you to know you can always come to me. I need you to understand that you shouldn't take this lightly."
"I won't, El. I promise."
Ellie nodded understandingly.
"Zach! Neesa is on the phone for you!" Grace called out and Zach got up from the chair. When he passed by her, Ellie put her hand on his forearm and said.
"You break it, you own it. So, don't break it." She smiled brightly at him. He understood and laughed cordially.
–
"Where are we going?" Zach asked and looked funnily at his sister who walking straight toward what he assumed to be the 'campus pub'.
"I'm introducing you to the lifestyle of a college student." Ellie said and smirked at him.
Zach followed Ellie to the bar counter. She looked at him, asking what he wanted to drink. Zach looked uncomfortable and barely shrugged his shoulders.
"I'm having whatever you're having."
"I'll get a beer for myself and a coke for my brother here." The bartender looked at her funnily. "Who isn't of age."
Zach opened his mouth to say something but was kicked in the shin by his sister before he was able to voice the thought he was having.
Neither are you!
The bartender turned around to take care of the order. Ellie raised one of her eyebrows and looked at Zach sternly.
I know. Just because I'm bending the rules doesn't mean I'll let you do it.
Then she grabbed a twenty-dollar bill from her wallet and paid for the drinks.
She handed the change to Zach and said, "You'll need that. I'm going to get you some game for college. The whole geek thing might have worked in high school but it won't work around here. You're smart, smarter than a lot of people on campus, so you'll have that going for you. Use it but don't show off. No one likes a show off."
Zach smiled. "Okay."
"When you tell them your name don't say too much about Peter. Let them figure out who you are. Be mysterious but not secretive. Don't use it as a pick-up line, okay? That's just tacky. You're handsome, whether or not you think so doesn't matter. Girls will like you because of your looks, so don't screw it up by saying the wrong things at the wrong time...like 'you're pretty, can I buy you a drink'. That's just rude. The kind of girl who falls for a line like that is not a girl you should hang out with. Sex."
Zach cringed and Ellie laughed out loud. She patted her brother on the shoulder and continued to speak.
"There will be girls who find it acceptable to have sex on a first date which I guess is okay for them but that doesn't mind it should be for you, okay? Also, always use protection. You'll acquire a lot of things at college, Zach, but a chronic viral disease shouldn't be one of them. You're not me, you shouldn't be drinking until you're off age, okay?"
Ellie said and took a sip of her beer while Zach was smiling at her proudly and nodding his head gratefully. He was having a good time and that made Ellie very happy.
"Would you do it again?" Ellie asked into the quietness of the hotel room. Alicia was sitting on the bed, staring blankly ahead. Alicia looked up with a frown on her face, she raised one eyebrow and asked for Ellie to further elaborate on what she meant.
"You're wondering whether or not you made the right decision, maybe you are trying to find an answer as we speak and you have no clue what to do or who to be with."
Ellie walked closer to her mother and sat down beside her on the bed.
"Just ask yourself this. Would you do it all again, endure the hurt and embarrassment, the lies and betrayal? Would you do it all again to get here? Who are you now and how did you get there? The past can be a heavy burden but it can also set you free if you let it. So, sit here and ask yourself if everything that happened was worth getting to this point. If it was you'd have your answer. If it wasn't you'd have your answer, too."
Ellie stood, placed a soft kiss on her mother's cheek and walked out of the room and into the next to congratulate Peter on his astonishing victory.
"I remember all the feelings and the day they stopped."
But Ellie did not hear those words. She was already gone and Alicia was alone. Again.
–
"You want more, Kalinda." Ellie said simply. They sat beside each other in front of Will's office.
Kalinda looked at Ellie funnily, or you know as funnily as Kalinda could look Ellie thought. Showing emotion was not Kalinda's strong suit but it was okay for Ellie. She knew, after all.
"People like us, we don't want the 2.5 kids, the house with a picket fence and a dog to walk everyday. Or maybe some part of us wants that but it's not what we need. It's not enough. We want..." Ellie hesitated, feeling strangely insecure as if this realization had just hit her and not been boiling beneath the surface for years.
"More." Kalinda said curtly with a nod. "You're very cynical for a girl your age." It was an observation Kalinda had made in the last couple of months. Maybe it was the scandals or the lies, the half-truths she had been bombarded with, Kalinda did not know but she felt sorry nonetheless. Ellie was different from Grace and Zach in that way. Where her siblings had unshakeable faith in their family, Ellie had stopped idolizing her parents, all three of them. Maybe, Kalinda supposed, Ellie had never thought about her parents any other way than she did now. After all she had grown up surrounded by adults owning up to their short-comings and therefore the naivety of childhood oblivion had never blurred her vision of what was in front of her.
"I wouldn't call it cynical." Ellie smiled crookedly. "I think I understand myself. Sometimes I wish I was more like them." Zach, Grace and even her Mom. But she did not say it because she did not need to. Kalinda understood. "I think life is easier when you aspire the things society wants you to. Have you ever been in love?"
Kalinda looked at Ellie in astonishment, shrugged and simply said. "No."
"Me neither. I mean." Ellie paused quickly to get a grasp on the words that seemed to fail her whenever she wanted to explain how she felt on this particular matter. "I know I'm young and that it might still happen. I hope it does. But I also know that love for us is not the same than it is for 99% of the people in this country. I don't believe in anybody else the way I believe in myself. Wow, that sounds self-centered. I guess I rather don't trust anybody else the way I trust myself. I need more for myself because I don't think I'll ever be ready to trust someone to make up for what I'm not. So I need to be more. And I think you need more, too. Kalinda. You don't need to say anything. Just...think about it."
Kalinda looked at Ellie incredulously, smiled and nodded her head lightly in understanding. Ellie smiled back at the older woman and stood up just as Will turned around the corner.
"El. Kalinda." He said and kissed the side of Ellie's head.
"I need to speak to you." Kalinda said, stood up and opened the door to Will's office.
"Okay. El? What's up?" Will asked gently.
"Nothing much. I'll just wait out here until you've talked with Kalinda."
Ellie said with a smile on her face and sat down on the chair again.
"Okay. I won't be long." Will squeezed her shoulder and walked into his office, closing the door behind him.
–
"I have a job offer for you." Will said and sat down beside the fiery, young woman who had just ruined the Millner case for him. All by herself. Will was impressed at how much information she had been able to dig up with the little time she had had with Will pushing for an early dismissal.
"I have a job." Kalinda said and winked at the bartender, her way of signaling she wanted another drink.
"I know." Will said and took out his wallet to pay for her drink and ordered himself a glass of single malt scotch. "Let me make you a better offer. Anything. Tell me what you want and I'll make it happen." Will smirked and raised one of his eyebrows suggestively.
"Anything?" Kalinda laughed and ordered two tequilas. She waited for the order to arrive and watched Will pay for this round, too. He was trying, Kalinda gave him that. She also did not want to stay at the SA's office any longer and he seemed like a nice guy but that did not mean she would make it easy for him. Kalinda liked testing the waters and so she did.
"Even if wanted to stay independent would you accept that, too? I don't work well with other people. My paycheck at the SA's office is shit but that doesn't mean you get to raise by a little. I know what I'm worth and I expect to be paid exactly that. Bonuses aren't optional. I don't need an office. I work for you, no middle-men. If any of that is a deal breaker for you we won't be working together, I guess."
Will looked at her in astonishment. She really was something and he would be lying if he was not aroused by her confidence. It showed, he realized when he saw a confident smirk appear on her lips. Red lips, she had. Very kissable, he supposed. He leaned closer. She smelled nice.
"Lastly, just because you're taking me home tonight doesn't mean I'll take the job." Kalinda said curtly.
Will felt her breath on his face, swallowed and said breathless before kissing her.
"I would be disappointed if you were persuaded to take the job so easily."
–
"I want to commit." Kalinda said while Will was walking toward his desk. He halted in his tracks to look at her incredulously.
He raised one of his eyebrows, daring her to continue and explain to him how and why she changed her mind. Not that he was not happy because he damn well was ecstatic but he was confused, too.
"I'm ready to commit. Draw up a contract I'll sign it. Conditions haven't changed...much. I'll be working for you. Only."
Kalinda said and walked toward the door without waiting for a reply. She knew, after all how loyal William Paul Gardner was to those who were loyal to him and Kalinda knew that in the near future Will would be robbed of his illusions about Alicia and until then she realized she had to prove to him that Kalinda would not go anywhere, not without him. Will was one of the few people who had never pushed for answers because he understood that not all answers were meant to be heard.
"And Will? I want an office now."
Kalinda smirked and Will smiled contently. She tried to burn this memory into her mind, to keep it alive for the bad times which were coming up.
He nodded and she left.
July
It was long after the betrayal, the stint in prison, the Grand Jury hearing, the suspension Ellie felt like they had reached the end of the road. It was not one of those big events in her life which had given this relationship the final knock-out, it was merely two words. An apology, oddly enough.
It's not true, Alicia. Everything they're saying is a lie. When I get home we need to talk about this. I'm sorry about all of it. It's not true. I love you, Alicia. I'm your husband I wouldn't do that to you.
Strike one.
I'm very sorry, El. Your father did wrong by the law. I had no choice.
She accepted those words – his apology sincerely, but what she remembered best is how it made her nauseated when he called her by that nickname.
Strike two.
I'm sorry.
Don't. Please don't.
I wish I could be there. I'm sorry Elizabeth.
But it's my graduation.
I know. I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you, I promise.
Okay. Will I see you before I leave for Dad's?
I don't know. I'll try, okay? I love you, Ellie.
I love you, too.
Strike two and a half. Ellie had always had difficulties making clear cuts, instead she found it easier to forgive than to forget and move on. But Ellie also felt like maybe she was starting to get better at holding a grudge, whether or not she liked that new development she had yet to make up her mind.
It was years later when Ellie realized how much she had been hurt, disappointed, been shaken to the core by what had happened.
He said he was sorry and for the first time she felt like they might never be able to repair what had been broken. Ellie loved Peter, had always loved and adored Peter. He had been a good step-dad to her, honest, loyal and supportive. He said he was sorry but those words no longer held meaning, were no longer able to erase heartache or pain the way they might have done ten years ago. The blissful state of childhood was over and the brutal reality of adulthood made forgiving harder and forgetting impossible.
He held out his arms expectantly to embrace Ellie and so she stepped forward, into the arms of a man she had never believed capable of causing her so much pain. She smelled the typical scent of his cologne on the collar of his dress shirt. A single tear escaped her eye. It ran down her cheek to the tip of her chin. As it fell further toward the ground, Ellie swallowed bitterly.
She no longer believed that time would heal all wounds. Some scars, she thought, were not meant to fade away but to always remind you to be cautious and full of doubt.
"Welcome to Springfield," Peter said quietly and held her firmly against his chest before placing a soft kiss on the top of her head.
She felt a piercing pain in her heart. An apology had never felt so shallow, so worthless, so counterproductive in her life.
Strike three. He was out.
It was never about love or a lack thereof. She would always love Peter. He was her other Dad. He held her when she was sick, kissed her goodnight when she was afraid to sleep because she had had a nightmare the night before, walked her to school on her first day of kindergarten and threatened her prom date to not even think about second base. It was never about love. It was about trust and broken promises.
Life had brought them together and life had torn them apart.
–
It was five days after she had been with Will that her world was starting to spin out of control.
"I'm sorry." Peter said sincerely. "I'm sorry, Alicia. I shouldn't have said the things I did. I shouldn't have pushed for something you didn't want to do. I don't want to lose you. I love you, Alicia. You're more important to me than any internship could ever be. I didn't take it. I want to be with you. For the rest of my life if you'll have me." He knelt down and a box he held in the palm of his hand. "Will you marry me?"
The lack of hesitation in her answer surprised her, astonished her, scared the shit out of her. But she said yes nonetheless and for a moment it felt like the only plausible answer to a question she knew she would be asked by Peter, would always want to be asked by Peter. She forgot for this sacred moment about Will and infidelity that was not anything like it but would always feel like betrayal to Alicia. She said yes because that was what she wanted to do and because she believed in this future with Peter by her side. Anytime. Anywhere. Anyhow.
The moment did not last.
Peter kissed her then, on the mouth, and Alicia felt dirty, unworthy of his affection. Her body hurt. Everywhere. She could still feel Will's touch on her skin, marks from his teeth close to her clavicle. She kissed him back, trying to erase the imprints Will had left on her, the urgency with which Will had caressed her skin, the selflessness with which he had made her orgasm his top priority and the love with which he had looked at her, had never not looked at her. Alicia felt sick then, in her moment of clarity.
It was Wednesday and she had forgotten to take her birth control last month. Twice, she tried to remember. No. Three times. Four, actually.
She couldn't be.
She might be.
She was.
Pregnant.
Fuck, she thought as the feeling of nausea overtook her.
–
"Did you talk to your father?" Alicia asked between preparing meat and drinking from the glass of wine in front of her.
Ellie looked up from where she was cutting tomatoes and cucumber for a salad she was preparing for their family barbecue later that day.
"Yes." Her answer was curt but polite. She did not want to talk about the issue which was slowly becoming another war with two fronts and Ellie did not feel like being the messenger between two parents yet again.
"How is he?" Alicia asked tentatively, unsure whether or not she had the right to do so anymore. She had left the firm, she knew how hard he must have taken it but Will and her had always had such an intense connection Alicia thought would withstand anything.
"He's good." Ellie shrugged her shoulders, hoping her mother would drop the subject and get back to cutting the meat.
"He's screening my calls." Alicia said quietly, her voice held traces of guilt and disappointment. Ellie had enough. She put down the knife, straightened her shoulders and looked sternly at her mother.
"You left, Mom." Ellie said shaking her head. "What did you think was going to happen? Dad handing you a bouquet of flowers, thanking you for the great work you've done for his firm? You made choice, Mom, and that's okay but now you'll have to live with the consequences."
Alicia sighed.
"Look, Mom." Ellie paused briefly, holding her mother's gaze. "I don't think you made a bad decision, neither does Dad. But he's not happy about how it all went down, ok? Remember when he asked you whether or not Cary was thinking about starting his own firm and you said he wasn't? I think I understand why you did it but Dad feels betrayed and for now you're going to have to live with that."
Alicia put walked around the aisle to her daughter and hugged her to her chest. She kissed the top of Ellie's head tenderly.
"Mom?" Ellie asked quietly against the fabric of her Mom's sweater. Alicia stepped back and cradled her daughter's face in her hands. Ellie smirked.
"I love you but don't make me the middle man, please."
Alicia nodded and kissed her daughter before getting back to cutting the rest of the meat.
–
"I'm pregnant." Alicia whispered, the tears running down her cheeks like rivers after the snow had melted,brutally fast and devastatingly powerful.
"But Alicia." Peter said, kneeling in front of her. "That's great news!" He said, lifted her chin up with his index finger and moved closer to kiss her. Alicia turned her head at the last possible moment. His lips came in contact with the wetness of her cheek. Peter swallowed and brought his other hand up to cradle her face in between both of his hands. Alicia sighed.
"Tell me what's wrong. Alicia, talk to me." Peter begged bringing his forehead to rest against hers. He could feel her breath against his lips as she spoke. He focused on her scent and the way it felt when her breath hit his lower lips and let a shiver run down his back, so he did not hear his heart breaking in his chest. He felt numb.
"It's not yours." Alicia cried out, almost choking on her sobs. "I want it to so badly to be yours. It's not. I love you. God, I love you so much. I was stupid and angry with you and I fucked it all up. You wanted to marry me and I fucked it all up."
He held her close to his chest, to his heart. Peter was angry, furious but despite the situation he was hopelessly in love with Alicia Cavanaugh and he wanted to figure things out, even if it meant raising another man's baby. He would do it. He would do it all to have her by his side. Alicia had made him a better man and he was not willing to give it all up. Not now. Not ever, he realized he had to grow up, to become a responsible adult and provide for a family.
He placed a tender kiss on the crown of her head.
"Wanted? I'll still marry you if you'll have me. I'll marry you and I'll raise the baby with you." Peter said and continued to hold her while she cried. Peter vowed to himself to never make her feel so deeply hurt. He promised to himself to make her happy, at all costs. He would put her first, above all of his needs and desires.
It was not until much later that those words of promise fell to the ground like raindrops into the ocean, swallowed in a gigantic sea of deception. He meant well. But he was only human and therefore prone to weakness, he knew but it still left a bitter taste in his mouth.
–
"You're dropping your shoulder." Will said and pointed towards her right shoulder.
"Dad." Ellie sounded annoyed but smiled sweetly nonetheless to placate him.
Ellie straightened her shoulders, focused on the machine and closed her eyes briefly. When she heard the mechanical click, she tracked the ball, swung her bat without dropping her shoulder, she made sure of it and she hit it perfectly.
"Motherfucker." She cursed quietly, turned around to smile proudly at her Dad. "That one was a beauty, wasn't it?"
Will took a sip from the beer in his hand, smiled proudly back at her and nodded. "It really was."
Ellie walked out of the batting cage, took of the helmet and sat beside him on the bench.
"So, we could think about professional baseball again, El?" Will smirked and Ellie laughed wholeheartedly.
"I think I'll stick with the law but thanks for the vote of confidence, Dad." Ellie said and nudged his shoulder.
Ellie had not told him about her decision to go to law school. He had never pressure her into any kind of professional direction but when he smiled at her so full of pride and excitement, Ellie knew she made the right choice. The law it would be.
"Did you send out applications just yet because I could make some calls if you wanted me to."
Ellie smiled but shook her head.
"It won't be necessary, Dad. But thanks. I'm not naive enough to believe that I'll get into any school only based on my grades. I'll get in partially because of you and Mom. And Peter, too. I know that. Still it doesn't mean I can't earn it for myself to have gotten the spot and make it count for something." Ellie said sincerely.
Will's heart swell up in his chest. His beautiful and smart daughter was the greatest gift he had ever been blessed with, he knew.
"Where do you want to go?" Will asked, placing his right arm around his daughter's shoulders to bring her closer to his body.
Ellie put her head on his chest and replied with a smile on her lips.
"I sent out a couple of applications. Harvard. Yale. DePaul." She paused briefly, sitting up to look her father in the eye when she said beaming with pride and love. "Georgetown. I want to go to Georgetown."
Will kissed the side of her head and hugged her closely to his chest.
"I love you, Ellie." He did with the whole of his heart and maybe, he thought despite his conflicting but omnipresent feelings for Alicia, Ellie was everything he needed. Loving her and being loved by his daughter was everything he could have ever asked for and he felt strangely relieved. He had never believed in happily ever after to begin with.
"I love you too, Dad." Will felt like he could finally breathe again and so he did breathe, start over, live again.
Elizabeth Adrienne Gardner had fought the law and the law had won, but this loss felt more like a victory than it had ever before. Ellie smiled as she quietly hummed the melody to a song she had listened to for most of her life.