Of Toddlers, Spots, and Cootie Shots
A One-Shot by Ellipsis the Great
Summary: Bones is de-aged to four years old. Oh, my. (For a prompt at the st_xi_kink_meme on livejournal.)
DISCLAIMER: Star Trek and everything affiliated with it belongs to JJ Abrams and all those other people who own it. All I own is the plot…
Rated: K+
Just so it's clear, Jim hasn't done anything to warrant an attack. Probably.
Actually, he and (by order of some idiotic Starfleet Admiral who was light years away in some tiny little office and probably just itching to fuck with people if only because he had nothing else to do, the lazy, pretentious ass) most of the command crew of the Enterprise had just been making a routine—totally, totally routine—sweep of a new and presumably harmless planet, when all of a sudden things all went to hell and they'd had to start running for their lives. An Ensign from Engineering, who had come along in place of Scotty (because, honestly, when did even the safest of their missions not end in an emergency transport?), got hit with something that had him letting out an ungodly scream and falling over.
And then they are hiding behind an outcropping of rocks, returning fire and screaming at Scotty for [yet another] emergency transport. And just as things start going fuzzy, they hear Chekov let out a startled yelp that is closely followed by a pained cry that is cut off by the transporters but which they are almost entirely certain came from McCoy…
…And their suspicions are confirmed when they reappear on the Enterprise and Chekov falls off of the platform with McCoy unconscious and bleeding on top of him.
Jim and Spock jump down and pick the injured CMO up off of the trembling navigator, who is probably going into shock. While they begin hurriedly dragging McCoy to the sick bay, Sulu and Uhura help Chekov to his feet and followed after them.
When they get to the sick bay Chapel is already hovering over Dr. McCoy's pale, seemingly lifeless form, and a nurse sticks a hypo into Chekov's neck and he's fine. He starts to babble in a mixture of even-more-broken-than-usual English and nonsensical Russian until the nurse sticks him with another hypo and he passes out.
(BEAMMEUP,PAGEBREAK)
When Chekov wakes up again, he feels more tired than he can remember feeling in a very long time. He doesn't really want to, but he eventually forces his eyes to open and sits up, and someone—Nurse Chapel—notices that he's awake and comes over to sweep a tricorder over him and distractedly declare that he's fine.
"What is going on?" He asks, forcing the words to come out in understandable English even if it is still tinged with a heavy Russian accent.
She hesitates, looks back over her shoulder at something, then sighs and shakes her head. "There have been…complications. With Dr. McCoy's recovery." She says in a hushed voice.
"Eh?" It's all he can manage to say as his heart skips several beats and then beats thirty times as fast to make up for it.
She looks away from him, and he follows her gaze to a small child who is sleeping in a nearby bed. His jaw drops, because there's no way that that kid isn't McCoy. Or McCoy's son, but Chekov is pretty sure that McCoy only has a daughter, and even if he does have a son there's no way he could be onboard in such short notice.
"We didn't notice at first, but he'd been de-aging ever since you brought him here from the transporter room." Chapel says. "We thought he might de-age right out of existence, but it finally stopped about an hour ago, thank goodness. The tricorders say he's about four years old."
"Ah." Chekov says. "He has not woken up, yet?"
"No, but he should soon."
As if on cue, the boy on the bed groans and shifts. Chapel goes over to his bedside and Chekov follows, because how could he not?
The little miniature McCoy sits up and yawns, and Chekov hears Chapel let out a whimper. Baby McCoy's hair sticks up every which way, and he rubs his eyes for a moment before he comes to the sudden realization he is not where he should be.
"Hi, there." Chapel says gently. "My name is Christine Chapel."
The boy stares at her for a while, his brown eyes comically wide. Then, just as Chapel is beginning to get uncomfortable, he says, "My name's Leonard, Leonard Harrison McCoy." His difficulty pronouncing the letter 'r' (it sounded more like a 'w' coming from him) causes him to mangle his name a bit.
"It's a pleasure to meet you, Leonard." Chapel says, and offers him a hand even though she isn't sure if that's what she should do. She has never had much interaction with children.
"You, too, Miss Chapel." He says. He gives her hand a rather suspicious look, then looks up and past her at Chekov, who jumps a little. "Who's that?"
"Ah, I'm sorry." Chekov stutters. "I am Pavel Andreievich Chekov." When he sees Leonard's eyes widen even further (the kid's face had to be made up of, like, seventy-five percent eyes), he says, "You can call me Pavel."
Leonard tries to say it, but comes up with nothing recognizable as his name.
"Pasha?" Chekov says.
"Pasha." Leonard repeats obediently, breaking out into a huge, proud smile when it comes out clearly. "Pasha, Pasha, Pasha."
"That's very good." Chekov says, stifling a laugh at the way Leonard's chest puffs out. "How old are you?"
"I just turned four." Leonard holds up four fingers, kicking his legs.
"That's almost all grown up!" Chekov says. Leonard giggles and looks down at his lap bashfully.
"Do you feel alright, Leonard?" Chapel asks.
Leonard nods and pops a thumb into his mouth, eyes wandering away from them to survey the sickbay. "Where are we?"
"We're on a starship called the Enterprise." Chekov says.
"We're in space?" Leonard asks.
"That's right." Chekov nods. He looks at Chapel, who is running a tricorder over the child to confirm that he really is healthy as he claims. "He is okay?"
Chapel nods. "As are you. You should probably go to the bridge and speak with the captain about what happened." She glances at Leonard. "And maybe take him with you? He'll get bored, here, and goodness knows he'll be a huge distraction to the other nurses."
Chekov thinks he would probably be a distraction to Chapel, too, but is wise enough not to say so. Instead, he nods. "I would be happy to take him. I have lots of nieces and nephews, so I am used to taking care of children." He doesn't add that he misses them, too. "And…perhaps the captain should see firsthand what has happened to his CMO."
"That's probably a good idea." Chapel says. "I can hardly believe it, and I watched it happen."
He nods again, then turns to a curiously watching Leonard with a smile. "Would you like to see the bridge? That's where they fly the ship."
Leonard nods, holding his arms up insistently, and Chekov smiles as he lifts Leonard off of the bed and sets him down on the floor.
Chekov hacks into the sickbay's replicator, and soon Leonard is dressed in a miniature version of his Starfleet uniform. He sees Chapel stifle a squeal with her hand when she sees, and has to admit that Leonard looks pretty damn cute.
"Shall we go, Leonard?" Chekov asks.
Leonard nods and practically skips after him as he leaves the sickbay with a nod to Chapel, who waves at them.
Things go well, at first. Leonard is insatiably curious about everything, and is asking questions so fast that Chekov can hardly keep up with, much less answer, them.
Then a Security Ensign—the one the captain calls 'Cupcake'—comes strolling down the hall, and does a double-take at the sight of Leonard. Leonard, for his part, appears at Chekov's side as if he has been transported there, grabbing Chekov's hand and hiding behind his legs.
"Is that…?" Cupcake trails off as Chekov nods. "Holy shit."
"Oooh, he said a bad word." Leonard whispers, aghast, and tugs on Chekov's hand. "Pasha, he said a bad word!"
Cupcake and Chekov share a moment—to think that their surly, sailor-mouthed doctor had once regarded cuss words with such disdain was…surprising, to say the least.
"Sorry about that, little guy." Cupcake says. "I'm Howard Johnson—most people around here call me Howie or Cupcake."
Leonard frowns at him, then says, "I'm Leonard, Leonard Harrison McCoy. You don't look like a cupcake."
"It's nice to meet you, Leonard." Cupcake says. "And I know. It's kind of an inside joke."
Leonard cocks his head to one side. "Oh."
"We have to go to the bridge, now." Chekov says, not wanting to be delayed for much longer.
"See you later, Chekov." Cupcake says.
"Bye-bye, Cupcake!" Leonard says, and laughs raucously, as if he has just gotten the joke.
"Bye-bye, Leonard." Cupcake says with a laugh of his own, and disappears around a corner.
Somehow, they manage not to pass anyone else. Leonard doesn't let go of Chekov's hand, though, and Chekov sees no reason to force the issue. And, anyhow, it's been ages since he got dragged around like this; his current experience is making him realize how much he has misses it.
They finally reach the bridge after a quick ride on the turbolift, which Leonard had been excited about until he realized there were no buttons for him to push. Then he pouts until the doors open and he notices how many people are on the bridge. He returns to his hiding place behind Chekov's legs and Chekov thinks he starts sucking his thumb, again.
"Ensign." Jim says, turning to face him and smiling. "How are you feeling?"
"Much better, sir." Chekov says.
"Good." Jim sobers a bit. "Have you heard anything about—"
"Who or what is that?" Uhura interrupts him, gaping at the little tag-along she has just noticed.
This brings everyone else's attention to the shy toddler, who squeezes tighter on Chekov's hand.
"There have been…complications with the doctor's recovery." Chekov says carefully, wresting his hand from Leonard's and putting it on the boy's head. He gently ushers the boy out from behind him. "Leonard, say hello."
Leonard keeps his eyes on his feet, fidgeting under everyone's incredulous stares. "I'm Leonard, Leonard Harrison McCoy." He says, his voice almost too soft to be heard.
"H…hi, Leonard." Jim says.
He waves nervously, pressing himself into Chekov's side. Slowly, Jim approaches, staring at the little miniature Bones with wide eyes.
"You're so little." He says.
Leonard scowls at him. It is obviously the predecessor of his usually foreboding scowl (the one that means there are going to be lots of painful hypos in Jim's future), but on Leonard it looks kind of like something you would see on a disgruntled kitten.
"'M not little. I'm four years old!" He says, holding up four fingers.
Jim can't help but smile. "Oh, I see. You're quite right." He says. "I'm Captain James T. Kirk, but you can call me Jim."
"You have cooties, Mr. Captain Jim." Leonard informs him gravely.
"That's terrible." Uhura says, stifling a giggle. When Leonard jumps a little, she adds, "I'm Nyota Uhura."
"Oh!" Leonard gives her a sloppy little bow, ducking his head. "It's a ple…pleasure to meet you, Miss N…Ny…Noda…sorry, I can't say your name, ma'am. But it's still awful nice to meet you."
She ruffles his hair. "That's quite alright, Leonard. You can call me Noda if you'd like."
"Hey! Doesn't she have cooties, too?" Jim asks with a purely Jim-like pout. "She's a girl, y'know!"
"Miss Noda's not a girl, Mr. Captain Jim." Leonard says with a roll of his eyes. "She's a lady. Duh." Then he grabs Jim's hand when the captain looks like he's going to protest some more. "It's okay, Mr. Captain Jim. I know the cure for cooties."
"Oh, good." Jim says, and they can't quite tell if he's being serious or not.
"Give me your arm." Leonard says—it's quite obvious that he is completely serious. When Jim hands him his arm, he recites, "Circle, circle, dot, dot, now you've got your cootie shot!"
Everyone is quiet for a moment, and then Leonard's mouth breaks into a huge smile and he throws his arms around Jim's neck.
"You're all better, now!" He proclaims, and kisses Jim's cheek loudly.
"You're a great doctor, Leonard." Jim says, unable to stop himself from grinning.
"I'm gonna be the bestest doctor in the whole wide universe!" Leonard says, emphasizing his claim by spreading his arms wide.
"I'll just bet you are." Jim says. "Figure there are more people onboard who have cooties?"
Leonard considers. "If there are girls, there will be cooties." He decides with a sage nod.
"Captain, I do not believe it wise to encourage such illogical behavior." Spock says, and begins to elaborate, but cuts himself off with a raised eyebrow as he notices that Leonard is staring at him. "May I inquire as to the reason for your staring?"
"You have angry eyebrows, mister." Leonard says.
"I assure you that my eyebrows are not sentient in the least, and therefore can feel no such emotion." Spock says.
Leonard blinks at him, then giggles. "Silly." He says, and reaches up, forcing his eyebrows to scrunch up. "See? Angry eyebrows."
"Eyebrows are unable to feel any emotions."
"If you smile more, they'll stop being angry." Leonard says, unperturbed.
"I do not understand why you persist in saying that eyebrows feel emotions, Mr. McCoy. And while I appreciate your determination, it is illogical to—"
Leonard cuts him off by patting his hand sympathetically. "It's okay, mister. My daddy's got angry eyebrows, too. Mommy says it's 'cause he's got a stick shoved up his rear end." He smiles sweetly. "I bet if you go to sick bay and ask real nice, Miss Chapel will take it out for you."
That's when Jim bursts out laughing, the rest of the bridge crew only just keeping themselves from doing the same thing.
"There is nothing shoved in my rear end, Mr. McCoy." Spock says in his usual monotone, but they think they see his mouth twitching—with annoyance or amusement, they can't tell.
"But you don't sound angry." Leonard says. "So how come you've got angry eyebrows?"
"Mr. McCoy, the angle of my eyebrows stems from the fact that I am Vulcan. It has nothing at all to do with emotion, as being a Vulcan I do not feel any."
"What's a Vulcan?"
"Vulcans are a humanoid alien race, easily identifiable by their use of logic, upswept eyebrows, pointed ears, and copper-based blood."
"Oh." Leonard blinks at him. "What's your name?"
"My name is Spock."
Leonard offers him a hand. "'S nice to meet you, Mr. Spots. I ain't ever met a Vulcan before."
"…My name is Spock." Spock says, slowing his speech down slightly.
Leonard frowns. "'S nice to meet you, Mr. Spots." He repeats slowly.
"Not Spots. Spock."
"Spots."
"No. Spock." To his credit, the only outward sign of his growing ire is the slight angling of his eyebrows.
However, Leonard seems to be adept in reading body language, and whimpers, hiding behind Jim's legs. "Mr. Spots' eyebrows got angrier, Mr. Captain Jim!"
"Oooookay, little buddy." Jim says, scooping him up. "Why don't we go talk to Mr. Scotty in engineering and see if he's got anything that'll keep you busy for a while, huh? And maybe talk to Nurse Chapel about getting this fixed."
"Okie-dokie, Mr. Captain Jim!" Leonard chirps, quite content to cling to Jim. As Jim heads for the turbolift, Leonard waves and yells, "Bye Miss Noda! Bye Mr. Spots! Bye Pasha! Bye other guy I dunno!"
"Bye, Leonard!" Chekov yells after him as Uhura puts a calming hand on Spock's shoulder.
"My name's Hikaru Sulu!" Sulu adds.
"Bye, Mr. Sulu!" Leonard yells, and then the turbolift door closes.
When Bones wakes up in the sickbay the next day, no one will explain to him why he feels a sudden urge to call Chekov 'Pasha,' why Spock's eyebrow twitches when Jim insists on calling him 'Mr. Spots,' or why there are several crude drawings of various members of the bridge crew (especially Jim) holding hands with what looks like a small child hanging up all over the rec room. (Also, why Cupcake sometimes censors himself when he notices Bones is in earshot.)
He decides, after Spock uses the Vulcan nerve-pinch on Jim for the third time in two days, that he probably doesn't want to know.
The End
A/N: THERE. A happy, cutesy Star Trek fic. TAKE THAT, ANGSTY MUSE-DEMON! It's about damn time. For this kid!Bones prompt over at the Star Trek kink meme: http(colon)(slash)(slash)community(dot)livejournal(dot)com(slash)st_xi_kink_?thread=12739536#t12739536. I didn't get in the bit about daddy!Jim, but hopefully anon still likes it. 8D
Hope you enjoyed! Love you guys; see ya next!
-EtheG