First attempt at making crackfic. Please do tell me how to improve. Thank you very much.
The soup was still roaring hot and the noodles were perfectly chewy and Naruto heard the news. He could hear it a mile away, over and over…
"OHMYGOSH!!! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!" Lee screamed, running around town. Not exactly the whole news, but nonetheless … a news. It isn't everyday you see Lee shrieking out like this.
"OH MY GOSH!!! NARUTO! NARUTO WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!" Lee suddenly stopped with his hysterical and was now talking to the confused Naruto.
"I'm eating lunch, of course. What are you doing?" the blonde replied, somewhat calm, and added, "Wait, let me correct that. What are you not doing, Lee? You haven't taken your medicine again haven't you?"
Lee, grabbing every chance to do that pose he and his adored Sensei do, gave Naruto a thumbs-up and with a twinkle-teeth proudly declared: "I'm telling everyone of their deaths! That includes yours, Naruto!"
And just after Lee declaring that, Shizune's bunshin, with a megaphone at hand and a speaker blaring behind her, passed by, announcing:
" CITIZENS OF KONOHA! HEAR YE, HEAR YE! A SPECIAL, MYSTERIOUS FLU HAD JUST BREACHED OUR DEFENSES! IT IS CONTAGIOUS! IT HAS KILLED 500 PEOPLE ON EARTH, WHEREAS A COMMON FLU HAS KILLED MILLIONS ALREADY! WE ARE ALL QUARANTINED FOR 7 DAYS, AND THIS FLU WILL BE THE CAUSE OF OUR DEATH! SO PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T PANIC!"
Suddenly every people burst out of their houses! Some are crying, some are laughing, most are wailing, and some even began kissing people they see.
"OHMYGOOOSSSHHHH!!!!" said Kurenai.
"THIS IS THE END! THIS IS THE EEENNNDDDD!!!" cried Tenten.
"I WANT TO LIVE! I STILL HAVE DREAMS! I HAVE HOPES! I HAVE WISHES!" wailed Konohamaru.
"NOOOO!!! I'VE BEEN TRAINING SO HARD TO BE AN ANBU AND I WILL DIE BECAUSE OF A FLU!" screamed a random chuunin.
"BEFORE I DIE, BEFORE I DIE I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I'M… I'M GAYY!!! I HAVE A CRUSH ON GAI SENSEI! AND MY HAIR HAS A NAME! I CALL HER HAIRA, AND I TALK TO HER 25 MINUTES BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP!!!" hollered Neji.
"This is bad," Naruto commented, realizing he serious situation they're in, considering Neji confessed the expected unexpected. Lee nodded, and they both looked at each other – it's time to take a visit to the Hokage.
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Tsunade slammed her right fist on her table. Then she slammed her left one. Raised her right hand again and slammed it, and did the same with the left.
"Hokage-sama, isn't it better if you just slam them both together at once, instead of slamming them separately and looking like a gorilla?" suggested Ino.
"Shut up, I'm thinking! But wait, you're right!" And so she slammed her fists together at the mahogany desk. A vein throbbed at her temple, and clearly she is mad at something. She looked at the people that occupied her room – Ino, Shikamaru, Kiba, shino, Hinata, Sasuke, Sakura, Kakashi, Asuma, Chouji, Hanabi, Gai, Hiashi, Hizashi, Hana, Mikoto, Fugaku, Tonton, a bunch of people I forgot their names, and the real Shizune.
"What the hell is wrong, shino?" Tsunade asked, noticing him twitching.
"Why does… why does everyone's name is capitalized and mine isn't?"
"What? It doesn't matter, shino! This is a serious business we're talking here!"
"It doesn't matter to you, does it? You're ignoring me."
"I'm not, shino! I'm just telling you how serious it is! See, we even had Hizashi and the whole Uchiha clan resurrected—"
"Only for them to die again? And please stop calling my name. Or at least, please capitalize it."
"Okay, shino."
shino growled. Every one of them seemed to concentrate on something, when suddenly Naruto and Lee opened the door with a slam.
"IS IT TRUE? IS IT TRUE THAT WE HAVE THE FLU?" Naruto asked.
"Yes, we have the flu!" Tsunade replied.
"We have the flu!" somebody repeated.
"The flu!" another one added.
"Positive! It's the flu!"
"Yup, it sure it the flu!"
"It is! It is th—"
"Will you freakin' stop that?! You don't need to say it again and again! You're just spreading the virus more!" Sakura remarked.
"Well, then. Seems we are complete. Now everyone knows we have the flu. So we should make preventives on how to stop the flu. The flu is contagious, and the flu will kill all of us, and the flu—"
"Wait, Hokage-sama." butted Sasuke, "Would you please stop saying 'the flu'? There are friggin pronouns, heck, and use them. You're driving me mad. My uber chicken-look-alike hair cannot stand those two words anymore. "
"Whatever, Uchiha. Now. This flu… does anyone knows where it came from?"
Shizune raised her hand and looked at clipboard and read:
"This flu came from pigs, Tsunade-sama. Mexican pigs, to be exact."
"We should kill all Mexican pigs then." Asuma commented, exhaling smoke.
"What?!" spat Gai, his eyes burning with the passion of youth, "That's just plain racist! YOU stupid amed-after-monkey-with-a-hand-me-down-cigarette-from-your-father—"
"Hey! Shut your trap!" Asuma was quick to defend., "And besides, everything's just plain racist these days. Even he is a racist."
"He?" Everybody asked in unison.
"Yes. He, who created us. That Kishi-sama, or something like that."
"…and how is he racist?" Shikamaru asked.
"Well. One, for example, there are no black Americans here. I mean, come on! Naruto's a blonde, Sasuke's plain Japanese, I have quite the complexion of a Malaysian-Thailand-Filipino stuff, and we even have a freakin' albino—" where he pouts his lips towards Orochimaru "—but I don't see any Black Americans anywhere! I mean, they should be in here! With us! They belong with us! And one more thing, everything's just plain Japanese! The clothes, the places, the weapons, the language… yeah he's Japanese, but what the hell, doesn't he have TV or internet or something to have a little clue about other countries?!" Asuma took a breath. And then, after a second, he continued his endless rant. The others were quite dazed with everything he was saying, so they all decided to lock him up at the cellar downstairs since he isn't helping at all.
"So. It came from Mexican pigs." Tsunade said, her finger caressing her chin, as if in a very deep thinking state of mind, when suddenly, out of nowhere, Hinata croaked,
"T-tonton f-from's Mexico, isn't h-he?"
And with that revelation the crowd went wild again.
"OHMYGAAAWWWDDD!! He's the reason why we're dying!!"
"HE'S THE THIEF!! Stealing our lives, when we should have lived 10 more years!!"
"KILL HIM!" suggested Kiba.
"TO THE SLAUGHTER HOUSE!" adviced Kakashi.
"LET'S ROAST HIM!" recommended Chouji, but everyone thought that quite hazardous to their health.
"W-wait, guys!" Tsunade crammed while everyone put on surgical masks and gloves and laboratory coats and took poor Tonton out of the building. Tsunade, still pleading with the angry mob, looked so helpless that the crowd split into two: others taking the side of Tsunade, others wanting Tonton to die. A ruckus was beginning to form and with the soon-to-be=disease-infected people ready to battle it out with their lives, a shout rose above all others. It was Akamaru's.
"Arf! Arfarfarfarf! ARF ARF! ORF ARF KARF KARF ARF!!"
And with this resolution, the crowd went wild in happiness and immediately took Akamaru's plan to action.
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"Kabuto! Kabuto come here and untie my shoe laces!" Orochimaru ordered, taking a seat at his pink, snake-skin sofa. He was very, very tired.
"But, Orochimaru-sama, you don't have shoe laces!" countered Kabuto, entering the room with a cup of snake tea. He set the cup down and sat next to Orochimaru.
"So, how's the plan going, Orochimaru-sama?" asked Kabuto.
"Good, good! Konoha is splitting because of the virus thatcame from Tsunade's pig! Soon, Konoha is mine!"
"Oh, yes. That's good news to hear. Very well, let's celebrate by eating… something!" and with that Kabuto rose to go to the kitchen. Upon doing so, he look for necessary ingredients for his masterpiece, when he saw a poor, pink pig sitting on the windowsill, with the name tag Tonton. Not knowing this is the pig that brought virus, he butchered it and boiled it and sautéed it and stewed it and marinated it and broiled it and roasted it… and soon it was sitting at Orochimaru's plate.
Weeks after, Orochimaru, along with Kabuto, and half of the population of Konoha, lived happily ever after.
The end.