December 26th
The old bed squeaked apologetically under his weight, as Jack crawled under the duvet. He could feel every single one of his aching muscles. The last two days had been occupied by a cold, umcomfortable trip upstate including a bare motelroom, hideously overpriced because it was Christmas. He probably could have said "no", but the money was too good to pass it up. His christmas day hadn't been improved by the rushed call he had gotten from his hysteric mother. Jack sighed and shifted under the covers in a doomed attempt to get comfortable. It must have been 15 years since he had fitted properly into this bed frame and every time he was back in his family home and woke with his feet asleep he promised himself he would redo his old room. But he never did.
Jack could feel the heavy blanket of sleep crawl over him. It had been a long day but his mind was still too busy to give in to the lurking unconciousness just yet. Peters unmoving face had been scarily pale against the sheet this evening. The doctor, a young guy with glasses that didnt fit him, had explained between yawns that he was sure to come out of it as there was no major injurys to his brain. But then again, nobody could really tell. Jack rolled to his side and wrapped the covers tighter around himself. His thoughts drifted to the woman downstairs, lying on his moms sofa like she had always been there. Who was she? He wasn't as close to his brother as he used to. Mainly because they were both busy guys, partly, because deep inside Jack couldn't help but think that Peter had turned into a bit of a douche. But he knew him well enough to understand that Peter wouldn't have gotten engaged to someone without telling him. And certainly not to someone that Mary would call "great". He remembered bumping into him and his newest flame, a blonde lawyer called Ashley, just a few months ago and it had taken him less than the polite two minutes small talk, she convinced herself to grace him with, to work out that he would never call this woman anything near "great" or even likable. He couldn't help but feel intrigued by the Brunette that now seemed to have conquered his brothers heart. He hadn't seen her face yet, but tomorrow he would find out just who she was. Even if he had to camp out on the stairs all morning like he used to when he was a teenager, so he wouldn't miss who came and went. And he would figure out what was going on here. His mind still filled with the imagine of her sleeping frame, he driftet off.
December 27th
The tree infront of his window drew familiar dancing shadows on the roof of his bedroom. Jacks limbs slowly defrostet under the heat of the sheets. What a day! What a night! It was still hard to believe that all of those events had been able to fit into the same day. He had met Lucy this morning and while she seemed a little nervous, he instantly understood why his family had taken to her so quickly. She was pretty and cute and normal. So not Peters type. More his own and that thought was a little unsettling. He had let his suspicion run away with him and the events in retrospect were more than cringeworthy. His left eye still felt a little sore from when he tried to sneak up on her in Peters apartment and she had greeted him with a door to the face. After that he had tried the whole 20 question thing and his ego had suffered a little from finding out that she really was Peters fiancee after all. Oh God, had he made a fool of himself. Joe bloody Fasco, for sure a guy this woman would date – not. Jack rubbed his hand over his face in an effort to wipe the embarrasing memories away. And the grin he couldn't seem to get rid of as well. Alright, she wasn't lying and he was pretty sure she wasn't cheating either. He had had a bit of a stern talking from his mother when they arrived home even though it hadn't been nessecary. He was sometimes an idiot but Jack had never been someone to not see the flaws of his actions. So he had offered to bring Oxes engangement present over to Lucys. With no idea what would result out of that. And oh God...
Jack grabbed a pillow and pressed it over his heated face. He couldn't help the little stars dancing in his stomach. His offer to walk her home had been mostly out of common decency. You didn't let a woman walk home alone, especially after you got her ride parked in. But admittedly, he also wanted to get to know her. She was still a mystery to Jack then. Now she wasn't anymore. She was nice and funny and had the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen and oh, was so warm when he held her. Completely innocent he assured himself, only trying to not slip on the icy patch infront of her appartement block. But no matter how innocent it was, he couldn't stop thinking about her warm weight in his arms. The little golden stars in his belly danced. Yes, she was his brothers fiancee, but tonight he didn't have to think about that. Tonight it was just him and her and the snow.
December 28th
The bedframe creaked and Jack swore under his breath. Why did he never think of getting himself a new bed in his parents house when he could actually do it? He made a living of furniture for god's sake. Why was he here anyway? Family really could kill you, no matter if they embarrased you at the dinner table or forced you to kiss a girl you really didn't want to kiss infront of everybody under the mistletoe. He could still feel her lips burning on his. It had been so awkward and wrong and at the same time breathtaking. He could smell her perfum, when he had leaned in and the memories of last night had come flooding back. Only now they were tainted with regret. He couldn't ignore any longer what was happening and he couldn't ignore the fact that this, whatever it was, could not be. He had gone and seen Peter today, spent a little time with him, talked about everything and nothing to his unmoving face. And before he could stop himself, the words had slipped out. "I envy you." For the first time in his life he actually longed for something that he could not have. Something that was Peters. And for a moment here in the darkness he allowed himself to wish that he was a less nice man, that he would take what wasn't his and run away with it. But he wouldn't let himself do it and he didn't think Lucy would either. No matter what she found about his brother she had agreed to marry him. But the way she had glanced at him over the dinner, there was something there – a sparkle, a connection. Maybe..."stop", Jack whispered under his breath, "just stop and go to sleep, this is not getting you anywhere." It took a long time that night till he managed to follow his advice and drift into unconciousness.
January 1st
Jack stretched his long frame, thankful to be lying in his own bed, and tried to sort his racing thoughts. Somehow he had managed to screw it up majorly tonight. Lucy was angry with him and rightfully so. What had he been thinking? Fact was, he was so, so angry and hurt and confused. Mary anouncing Lucys pregnancy had felt like a punch to the gut and when he tried to confront her he had found her in Joe's arms embracing him tightly. And even though she still was Peters fiancee it had been unbearable. The rest of the night had been a blur of pain and confusion, he had angered her, smoothed things over and oh God, he had nearly lost his head and kissed her right there in the snow. Jack wasn't sure if he should be thankful or angr, that Joe had prevented that. She had been so close, it felt so intimate and he had looked in her eyes, looked at those lips and nearly done what he promised himself not to ever, ever do. In fact he had decided a few days ago when he had woken up lost and confused that he better kept his distance altogethe, at least for a while till his stomach wouldn't do a flip anymore, everytime he heared her name. And it had worked for a whole two and a half days. She hadn't noticed what nearly happened, at least he didn't think so, because before he knew it they were fighting about how she wasn't good enough for his brother. Why, oh why couldn't he have kept his mouth shut? No, he had to point out that she wasn't Peters type, his inside had burned with the desire to tell her the truth. That Peter wasn't good enough for her! That he, if she gave him the slightest chance would try all his life to be the man she deserved. But he had chickened out, he had watched her face fall and couldn't bring himself to say the words. Because if he said them, they were out in the world and he wasn't sure if he could live with being rejected by Lucy. He couldn't bear the idea of her marrying his brother knowing how he felt and pitying him, he decided. No matter how angry she was with him, he would just have to keep his distance. Just then the phone rang.
Still January 1st
When Jacks head hit the pillow the second time this night, it was still spinning. Peter was awake! He wasn't sure how he felt about that. It was great – of sorts. But the pain in his chest also told him that that was the end of his time with Lucy. She had called him a good friend. It had been the right time to give her and Peter his blessing, but it had cost him all his strength to drive away before he had burst into tears. Here now in the dark he let them run freely. Guilt crept under his skin and let him shiver. His brother was awake, he should be happy and thankful, but all he could think of was how this was the end. "What? Did you want him to not wake up, just so you could have his girl?" The thought cut coldly through his mind and shook him awake. No matter how much of an idiot he sometimes was, Jack loved his brother dearly. It was scary that he could even think such thoughts, but here they were. He sat up on the edge of his bed and ran his fingers through his hair. He was grateful, that Peter was awake and mostly alright even though he seemed to suffer of amnesia. How terrible it must be for Lucy to see her fiance not remembering her. She wanted him to be a good friend, so he would be the best friend he could be. And there was something else gnawing on his mind. Maybe it was time to tackle his own life instead of envying his brothers. He got up and wiped the tears of his face– he had alot to think about.
January 2nd
He fell into bed with the heaviness of a sleepless night behind him. But sleep still didn't come easily. Every muscle in his body hurt from the tension that had built over the last week and the anger he felt at how unfair life could be, wouldn't allow him to settle. The morning had started so good, the long overdue conversation with his Pa had liftet a weight off his shoulders. But all his intentions on staying positive had evaporated there infront of the hospital lift. Peter had no idea how lucky he was and Jack had to finally walk away to not punch him while he was still sitting in a wheelchair. Instead he now punched the pillow on the empty side of his bed. Why, why had Lucy chosen his brother instead of him? He would never understand it and it killed him. If Peter was less of a shallow prick then maybe he could wrap his head around it and let go. Wish them happiness and maybe someday get over it. How he wished he could just let go. Jack rolled on his back and starred at the ceiling, where the familiar shadows danced. He was unfair – unfair to his brother and unfair to Lucy. The raging jealousy ate away on him, there was nothing he could do about it. But they had chosen each other and no matter what he felt, he had to respect that. Jack tried a deep breath. Lucy would marry Peter and that was that. He might as well get some sleep.
January 5th
Screaming woke him and a pounding headache. It took a moment to realise that the first came from the TV still blaring through the night till he found the off switch. Silence settled in allowing him to recall that the other had probably to do with the sufficiently empty Wisky bottle on his coffee table. Jack knew, that he should be going to bed but his body denied that request for the moment. His arms felt like lead. But that wasn't the worst nor was it repeated hammering in his head. The worst was the heavy weight on his chest, taking his breath away. The pain was so intense that he felt like he was standing there on the stairs again hearing her ask the one question he dreaded more than anything. And again, he had been a coward even though it had been the hardest thing he had done in his life. She knew. She had to. And he had said nothing. Nothing but the one thing he was sure of: He couldn't get into his brothers way. After that he had left, had walked, with hot tears in his eyes till he didn't know where he was anymore and then some more. He didn't care. How he had found home? He couldn't tell nor where he left his truck. It didn't matter. All that did was the hot pain in his chest that he had poured alcohol on so it burned some more. There was nothing else he could think about, nothing else he could feel. It hurt and there was simply nothing he could do. Jack squeezed his eyes shut and forced himself back to sleep.
January 6th
Tomorrow. Jack had refused to stay with his family tonight. He couldn't bear the buzz there, the joy and the excitement about the upcoming wedding. The picking of dresses and ironing of shirts, the discussing of hair and food for the big day. It made him feel naseus. Jack rolled onto his side on the blanket. He hadn't bothered to take his clothes off, he might as well accept that he wouldn't sleep tonight. Or ever again. Of course that was ridiculous but at the moment he felt he might never be able to shut his eyes again without seing her face. The hot lava in his chest had turned into a numb flame, that only flared up when he was thinking too much about it. Not that he was doing much else. From his cabinetdoor the brown jacket stared at him accusingly. He had chosen the ugliest outfit he could get away with while avoiding a speech from his mother. Maybe he should've chosen something black. He sure felt like black. He turned his back to his wedding outfit pointedly and stared out the window at the naked tree painted darkly against the night sky. Peter had asked him to be his best man today and of course he had said yes. He was his brother after all and under any other circumstance his heart would have burst with pride about standing beside him on his big day. Under the circumstance that he wasn't in love with the bride, that was. Yes, he was in love with Lucy, there was no denying it. Unshed tears burned in his eyes but he blinked them away. The idea of standing beside Peter, looking at Lucy when she said "I do"... Could he fake sickness tomorrow? Maybe just unplug the phone and lock the door and not come out again till they were safely away in Italy. But what then? They wouldn't stay on their honeymoon forever, someday he would have to deal with Lucy being Peters wife. At the thought of seing them together at every family function his stomach turned. And someday they would have kids, buy a house together. And he would have to be there, be "Uncle Jack" and love them all. A lifetime of watching Lucy in love with his brother. A lifetime of pain before him. How could he ever, ever learn to deal with that?
"Maybe she is not in love with him" a little voice whispered in his head. It shocked him. Of course he had his suspicions, she did look at him this way... But why should she marry Peter if she loved him? He played through the scene on the stairs again just after he had given her the snowglobe. Florence, where she now would go with Peter. Jack sat up in bed and rubbed his aching neck. She hadn't asked him if he loved her, she had asked if he knew any reason to not marry. Speak now or forever hold your peace. And he had held his tongue, only there was no peace in it. Maybe tomorrow he would say it. Starring into the darkness he dreamed about it, how he would finally find his courage and say it right there infront of everybody like in an old movie. But he knew he wouldn't, there were too much at stake, he was too much of a good guy and tonight that broke his heart.
January 8th
The familiar creaking of the bed, as he sat down seemed oddly comforting tonight in his quiet house. Jack stared at the old shelf holding his toy car collection and tried to make sense of the conflicted feelings in his chest. The biggest of them was relief. When she walked down the aisle he had needed to remind himself of breathing. He was sure he had felt his heart crack and the pain had taken his breath away. The anger he felt for his brother right then had swallowed any sibling love and it had scared the shit out of him. And then she looked into his eyes and for a moment it felt like she was searching him out, trying to find an anchor and he had smiled. It had taken all his strenght but he had mustered an encouraging smile. He had been unable to break the eye contact after that, almost as if Peter didn't matter, standing between them oblivous to what was happening. He realised then, that he could bear it – somehow, if he just kept breathing and looking at her. Ignore his brother, imagine that it was him she said yes to today. He could deal with the fallout later he just needed to get through this wedding somehow. And the ceremony began and then his heart had stopped midbeat. Adrenalin had flooded his veins and before he knew it the words had been out. He objected. If she hadn't known before, she knew now. Somehow deep inside he had known that she loved him back. What he hadn't expected was what came after...
He nearly missed the quiet knock at the door. Once, twice, three times.
"Come in, kiddo" he said, just loud enough for Mary to hear. His sister snuck into the room, already in her nighty and sat down beside him, before he could invite her to.
"You alright?", she asked quietly, wrapping her arm around Jacks back. He looked at her and thought about that.
"No, no I'm not", he smiled vaguely. She stared at her bare feet stretched out infront of her.
"You are in love with her though."
It wasn't a question. Jack chewed on his lip, the flintstone clock in the corner ticked the seconds away.
"I guess I am."
He couldn't stop that silly smile from spreading over his face. And she was in love with him. She had confessed it infront of everybody and as much as he knew it would hurt his brother he couldn't have stopped himself from stupidly grinning if his life depended on it.
"Well, then why don't you tell her?"
Jack thought about that. He sighed. There were so many reasons he couldn't explain. He finally settled for: "It's not that easy, Kiddo". Mary shrugged. Sometimes he wished he was still a teenager and thought of love as something magical that you just had to go after. But Lucys betrayal wasn't that easy to forgive. She had lied to him, she had sent him through hell letting him believe that she was in love with Peter. Surely she had known, had to have seen his longing and his pain and she hadn't released him. Nevertheless her words had touched him so deeply that he felt the tears pushing into his eyes just thinking about them. She had told him, hadn't she? She had said, that she was all alone in the world, that she hadn't even Peter. He hadn't understood it then, but he did now. She had accused him of thinking that she wasn't good enough for Peter but really she had wanted to know if he felt it too. Unconciously Jack rubbed his neck. His forgotten sister watched him closely.
"Is it because of Peter? He'll get over it", she offered.
Yeah he would, wouldn't he? Maybe he would even get married to Ashley the bacongirl. He still couldn't understand how he could've proposed to Lucy without knowing her, without feeling her. The relief that she didn't get married was still overwhelming and Jack could feel the stars sparkling quietly in his stomach if he paid them any attention. But right now he needed to hold on to his anger and his disappointment for a while longer.
After Lucy had left the chapel all hell had broken lose till Saul had finally managed to quiet them down and tell his story. It had been the first time Jack had ever seen his father yell at his best friend. His mother, at that stage, had been close to tears and Peter had been taken back to his hospitalbed, wanting to speak to nobody. Lucy had broken things in her wake and he wasn't quite sure yet how much of it he could actually blame on her alone and what could be mended. And just how long he would be able to stay away from her.
"Jack?"
"Huh?"
"Nothing."
He didn't miss the knowing smile on his sisters lips and cringed. It was that easy to see through him then. She got up and soothingly rubbed his shoulder as she left.
"Goodnight, buddy. Stop overthinking it." The door clicked shut before he could answer. After a second of thought Jack dragged his boots out under the bed and pulled them over his freezing feet. He needed to walk. All day he had longed to be alone but now it just felt suffocating. He needed some fresh air, needed to think. As he jumped down the stairs two steps at a time he knew that no matter where he went he would magically end up at a familiar appartement block. But he wouldn't knock. There was still too much to figure out.
January 12th
He couldn't sleep. It felt like he hadn't been sleeping in years but no matter how tired he was, he just couldn't manage to close his eyes. Jack tried to convince himself, that it was the unfamiliar mattress under his back or the cat that purred a concert on his feet. But it wasn't that. It was her breathing that kept him awake. Slow, relaxed, happy breathes going in and out of her lungs and an occacional snore, when she turned. Her warmth sept through the sheets, even where they weren't touching. And while he was lying in the darkness that somehow seemed to sparkle and smelled her hair on his pillow, he wasn't sure if he would ever sleep again. He was scared he would wake up at home in his own bed and find that it all had been a cruel dream. It was still too unreal to wrap his head around. In the end it had been his mother, who gave him the final push.
"You do know we love her?" she had asked him one morning when he helped her wash the breakfast dishes. He'd nearly dropped a plate at that.
"Peter...", he'd tried. She cut him off.
"Peter is a big boy and sometimes a bit of a douche".
Jack had stared, his mouth agape at his mothers open words.
"And he will get over it in time, it was just his ego that was hurt", she had finished, hanging up the wet dish towel and then she'd walked into the living room. While he was still standing in the kitchen, staring at nothing and trying to figure out what to do with those words, she had stuck her head through the doorway again and said: "Oh by the way, I found your fathers engagement ring this morning cleaning my drawers. I thought you might want to know." And that had been that. There in the middle of the Callaghan breakfast chaos he had known that he would propose to a woman that he hardly knew three weeks and who had dumped his brother at the altar. Just like that.
Lucy turned in her sleep and murmured something he didn't understand. Surely it was bad manners, to listen into someones dreams, like overhearing a conversation. But Jacks curiousity took over. He leaned over her, smelled her skin, revelling for a moment in the thought that he was now allowed to do this, allowed to love her. Again, she mumbled something and he moved even closer, till he could hear the words: "Jack, go to sleep". She turned and wrapped her arms around him. He grinned into the dark running his fingers through his hair in amused embarrasement. Maybe he really should, he was pretty sure she would still be there in the morning.