Astrid had always been intense, driven and zealous, she'd been told so for as long as she could remember. She'd also been described as violent, a perfectionist and borderline insane, and only occasionally were they meant as insults. She was a Viking, and the war with the dragons had required her to be every last one of those adjectives. However, the war was long over, and people wondered if Astrid Hofferson would be able to adjust to peacetime.
But Astrid surprised them all; peace suited her well. There would always be personal challenges for her to conquer and plenty of avenues for her competitive spirit, but now that she would no longer be expected to inherit a war from the older generation, she was finally free to relax and enjoy her childhood. She was just as intense, violent and perhaps even a little insane, but people now added 'kind' and 'a good friend' to her list of character traits.
Of course, Astrid never cared much for others' judgments. What other people thought didn't define her, it was merely a useful tool by which to gauge her own development, and Astrid was pleased to hear the changes she observed in herself being confirmed by the rest of the village. But while their opinions were useful, they didn't determine who she was, and Astrid's character was her own to craft.
For the longest time, she viewed Hiccup as weak, because his worth was defined solely by the opinions of others. He was so desperate for his father's approval, her admiration, the village's acceptance, so dependent on others telling him who he was that he became nothing. Those were her thoughts, but what Astrid learned the night she'd discovered Toothless was that Hiccup would never let people and their judgments determine what he did. He'd chase for approval and let the world tell him he was worthless until he believed it with all his heart, but in the end, he would do the right thing no matter what any of them thought. Astrid would never forget his refusal to reveal Toothless to his father, standing against her and prepared to throw away everything he'd just won with the moonlit flight. If she had not agreed, if his father denounced him, if he had been banished and called an outcast, it would not have affected his resolve one iota.
Hiccup, buried under crushing layers of insecurity, knew what was important and was prepared to fight for it, regardless of whether he thought he had any value or if anybody approved. There was a bravery there that Astrid was forced to admire, and it was the reason she preferred Hiccup over all the other Viking teens. She wasn't always sure if Hiccup understood that.
Sometimes she wondered if Hiccup could ever be happy with himself, or if he'd spend the rest of his life trying to measure up to others. But as much as Astrid made it her personal mission to help Hiccup discover self-confidence, she knew that no amount of insecurity would ever stop Hiccup from standing up and fighting the good fight. In her book, that made him a pretty amazing Viking, and she told him so every chance she got. Someday, she was sure, Hiccup would realize he deserved to defend himself, too, and Astrid would stand by him until then.
But even as Hiccup grew more at ease with himself and Astrid trounced any and all threats to that, there was something important she had overlooked...
It was an ordinary day, so alike all the others that Astrid almost wondered if she'd already lived it. Fifteen years old, with no enemies on the horizon, no pressing issues with the dragons, villagers or the combination thereof. Just a group of teenagers goofing off in the academy, and even looking back, Astrid still couldn't figure out what had made this day different then all the ones before it. Perhaps it was simply a case of the straw that broke the camel's back, one step too far on an already long road, but whatever the reason, it was the day Hiccup fought back against Astrid for the first time.
She had noticed he'd been glaring a little less playfully over her usual punches and slugs to his shoulder, but she also knew that Hiccup occasionally collapsed like a pile of toy blocks from her hits, and so she chalked it up to bruises. She did try to pull her punches with Hiccup, and even at her angriest never used the force she saved for Snotlout, but it was hard to retrain her instincts and remember that Hiccup put up about as much resistance as a feather pillow. To apologize, she'd kiss him extra hard on such occasions, seizing the boy and forcing her lips on his until Hiccup was forced to surrender all his barriers. Perhaps he couldn't take a punch like a Viking should, but Astrid intended to flood that boy with enough passion to drive out any doubts that he was exactly enough for her desires, and she refused to let Hiccup's own insecurities stand in the way. She loved him, and this was the most direct way Astrid knew to communicate that.
Oh, how wrong she had been... Like so many times, Astrid slugged Hiccup in the shoulder for some minor irritant that she couldn't even remember now, and Hiccup winced and stumbled in his usual way that made their other friends giggle. "Good grief, Astrid!" Hiccup complained with a grimace, "How many times do I- mmph!" Astrid silenced his tirade with a kiss, unconcerned that his voice had held a little more anger than usual.
She thought all was well, but then Hiccup tried to push her shoulders back with his infective, feathery arms, struggling against her with muffled protests. For the life of her, Astrid couldn't figure out why, but just before she released Hiccup, he kicked her in the shin.
With the metal leg.
"Ooh, and Hofferson is down!" the twins cheered as if they were commentating a Thawfest competition, but Snotlout and Fishlegs were both startled into silence, and the dragons were just as wary as the humans. Toothless sidled up to Hiccup without a sound, curling his tail protectively around the boy, and that caused an embarrassed flush to rise to Astrid's cheeks.
"What's your problem, Hiccup?" she demanded, shaking her leg a little and walking off the injury. Yes, Hiccup didn't have a lot of power behind his kicks, but it was still a thick piece of metal and it stung, almost as much as the idea that Hiccup would push her away. She stomped over to the chief's son. "You-" but all her words died in her throat when she actually looked at Hiccup.
With her steps, he flinched, and her rage caused him to curl into himself like they were back in Dragon Training with Gobber. It was reminiscent of the way he used to look at Dagur in the middle of the older boy's knife-throwing rounds. "I-I... I wasn't thinking, I didn't mean to hurt you, just..." After a few seconds of stammering, Astrid took another step forward and Hiccup bolted, out into the air with Toothless before anyone could blink.
Astrid found Hiccup and Toothless in the cove, after allowing them both some time to cool off. She still didn't understand this situation at all, but she couldn't avoid Hiccup forever, even if she didn't think she'd like what he had to say. He stammered and cowered back in the academy, but he never apologized, and Astrid wasn't sure if that was good for Hiccup or something that spelled doom for their relationship.
Hiccup was obsessed with her, and always had been, Astrid wasn't an idiot. She knew how long she'd been pined for, though Hiccup was hardly alone in his fantasy. But now that he had Astrid, had she lost her charm, enough that he'd push her away? Was he bored with her?
But Astrid didn't run from problems, she faced them and all their consequences, so she landed Stormfly in the cove and stormed straight to Hiccup. "What happened back there, Haddock?"
Hiccup jumped and tumbled backward over the log he was sitting on, arms flailing uselessly. Astrid sighed and extended a hand to pull him back up, which Hiccup gratefully took once he realized Astrid wasn't here to beat him to a pulp. On the other side of the cove, Toothless and Stormfly played happily, and Astrid almost laughed at the betrayed look on Hiccup's face. "No hiding behind the dragon. Just tell me why you've been acting so weird."
Hiccup was quiet for a bit, looking at his hands. When he spoke, his voice was tiny and it wavered like the ripples in the water before them. "I don't like you hitting me all the time. I know you don't mean it in a bad way," he waved his hands before Astrid could say anything, "But it makes me feel.. I dunno. I don't want to feel that with my girlfriend." It was the first time either of them had explicitly put words to what they were, and hearing it soothed away all Astrid's previous worries.
"Okay," she said, noting Hiccup's tense shoulders. "I'll stop with the punches. I'll do my best, anyway." By now, punching people in the shoulder was almost a second language to her, and the only way she communicated with Snotlout. But if Hiccup didn't like it, he didn't like it, and Astrid could adapt.
Hiccup gave her a wry smile. "Sorry I'm not Viking enough to take a punch."
"Hiccup, you're more than enough Viking for me." The boy blushed and ducked his head, but his good mood faded quickly. "Something else?"
It took Hiccup some time to put his thoughts to words, and Astrid waited with growing unease. Perhaps Hiccup wasn't bored with her, but she didn't like the trembling in his shoulder or the idea that she did something to cause it. "Hiccup, it's fine!" she suddenly blurted out, afraid of the silence. "Just say it! I'm not, I mean... I like you..." Astrid wasn't sure how to fix any of this. She felt a little awkward saying "I love you" still, but since Hiccup had gone so far as to call her his girlfriend, she wanted to try and meet him part way. "You're my, um, boyfriend-" awkward, but such a rush to hear- "and that's not going to stop just because I don't like what you say one time..." Hiccup looked relieved, and also amused by her fidgeting.
"And if I kick you in the leg?"
"Well, I punched you first, so I guess we're even," Astrid mumbled, and Hiccup chuckled.
But his mirth soon faded, replaced with a quiet tension. "Astrid," he all but whispered. "Have you ever noticed that I can't fight back?"
"I can teach you how to fight, we've been through this-" she stopped when she caught his eyes. "That's not what this is about, is it?"
Hiccup looked torn between running away or just drowning himself in the nearest body of water. "If I don't want you kissing me, well... you're too strong, there's nothing I can do to stop you..." Astrid stared, while Hiccup collapsed his head into his hands in embarrassment. "So, yeah," his mortified voice rose from where his hands buried it, and Astrid didn't know how to react.
"I thought you liked it," she tried, still a little thrown, and Hiccup furiously snapped his head back up.
"Of course I like it, you're Astrid!" he barked, as if it was insulting to imply anything else. "But not if you're going to treat it like a sparring match!"
That cut Astrid deeply. "I don't understand!" she cried, but that admission seemed to pain Hiccup more than anything.
"Astrid, you can pick me up and throw me around like a rag doll," he pleaded, balancing out humiliation with actual pain and anger. "And maybe you're used to guys that can take it, but I can't! I push you away and it's like trying to move a brick wall!"
"I would never hurt you!" Astrid winced when she thought about all the unwanted shoulder taps, but stood by her statement. "Do you think I'm that kind of person?"
Hiccup's silence said more than his words ever could.
"It doesn't bother you that I don't kiss you back?" he finally asked, and Astrid felt herself shrinking. "That I'm never the one kissing you?"
The implications were too heavy to bear, and Astrid's reply was weak. "I just thought maybe you weren't, I don't know..."
"You thought I wasn't good at it?" Hiccup finished, and there was no point in lying. Hiccup was shy, had never kissed a girl before Astrid, and caved so naturally to Astrid's dominant spirit. She just assumed Hiccup didn't have experience in the romantic department, and was more than comfortable taking the lead. Hiccup admitted bitterly, "Well, there is that. Not that I ever got a chance to prove myself."
Astrid wilted next to the boy she claimed was her boyfriend, and the two sat on the log in silence for a few seconds, each of them trying to compose their thoughts into something coherent. Hiccup finished first, "Look, I know I'm just... this," he gestured to all of himself, "I'm not the muscly warrior you probably hoped for, and I know I'll never be everything you deserve, I'm surprised you put up with me as it is-"
Stop, her mind ordered. Just stop it, Hiccup. She wanted to punch him in the shoulder for saying that about himself, grab him by the collar and kiss him until he was forced to realize how badly she wanted him in his exact, current, glorious state. But she held back, because somehow, the way she fought Hiccup's demons were creating a whole bunch of new ones that terrified her.
"-sorry I even told you this, it's gotta be revolting, right? It is, isn't it?" he answered himself before giving Astrid a chance. "Gods, this is embarrassing! But I love you, Astrid," his words tumbled out in a rush. "I always have, but I don't feel like a person when you..." Their eyes locked, and Hiccup trailed off. "Well, yeah. I might as well not be there."
How could he say that? How could Astrid kiss with all her heart and soul and none of her feelings make it through to Hiccup? She'd memorized Hiccup's taste, his smell, he was beautiful, he was kind, he was brave, he melted into her and surrendered to her control like no boy had ever been secure enough to do. But none of that reached across the distance to the one she loved, and he said he felt like an object.
"I'm sorry!" Astrid burst out, and she was. "I'm sorry, okay? This is the first time I've ever..." the first time she'd ever loved a boy, the first time she'd ever kissed or allowed anyone to know her real feelings on anything. "I mean, I don't know what I'm supposed to do! But I love you, so," those awkward words slipped out easily now, "Tell me how to make it right again!"
Hiccup seemed shocked, shy and somehow more courageous than facing unknown dragons. "Astrid, can I kiss you?" he whispered, and though Astrid gave her permission easily, he was still slow and hesitant. But after several burdened seconds, his tender lips finally touched to hers.
It wasn't like any of the previous kisses had been. Astrid had expected something a little more frenzied and urgent, but Hiccup always forged his own path and would never do the expected thing. This time, Hiccup wasn't something to be conquered, he was a fragile blossom pushing past the snow into the sunlight, breakable by harsh wind and unseeing footfalls. But he was also present, focused, and giving his entire heart to Astrid with every touch. For all his gentility, Hiccup was somehow more passionate than Astrid had ever been.
They were united, and Astrid found the concept unknown and foreign, unlike all the instincts she'd grown up with. This wasn't selfish or solitary, and she suddenly realized how absent Hiccup had been from the process until now. She had treated him like a toy or a tool, one that could have been replaced with no discernible effects.
But this boy in front of her now was Hiccup, somehow more real and alive than she'd ever perceived. And while Astrid still felt the urge to grab this boy and ravish him until her emotions filled him from his head to his toes, she now understood what Hiccup had been trying to tell her, and how much power she really wielded. That kind of power demanded a responsibility Astrid had not been aware of, and a trust she had not yet earned.
When Hiccup left her lips, his green eyes opened and communicated so much Astrid had been blind to before. He wasn't weak, and never had been.
Astrid hated herself for making him feel like he was.
"I'm sorry," she offered, and Hiccup leaded his forehead against hers.
"It's fine," he murmured, blinking away the tears that had formed in his eyes that Astrid hoped were from joy but suspected may have had multiple origins. "So, what happens now?" Gods, was he expecting her to break up with him? To push him away, or to cast aside the concerns he'd been vulnerable enough to share? But for once in this entire conversation, Astrid felt like she knew how to answer him.
She shifted her weight and encircled Hiccup in her arms, and he folded into her until they were both wrapped in a comfortable hug. "You tell me what you want to happen," she said simply, "And I'll figure out a way to make it work." Hiccup came up with the plans, Astrid backed him up, just like always. Astrid trusted in Hiccup's plans, that he had considered the dangers, the options, and most importantly, her. She needed Hiccup to see that he could trust her, now.
Hiccup sighed into Astrid's shoulder. "I'm not strong enough to push you back," he said with all the tension finally draining from his limbs like the mountain runoff. "So I need you to listen. I need to be able to trust you." He wanted to feel safe. It wasn't so long ago that he was a lonely thing that Astrid rarely wasted time looking at. Even now, he was his father's pride and joy, but that didn't mean Stoick always listened or understood his son.
"You can," Astrid promised solemnly. "What you want is important to me."
"Really?" Hiccup asked, as if he couldn't believe it was that simple. Trust would have to come with time, Astrid realized. But they had all the time in the world and she had Hiccup in her arms, so she had no intention of screwing this up again.
It was a few hours later that Astrid realized that Hiccup had never apologized for kicking her. She had no need to hear an apology, but every time her bruise throbbed, she remembered why it was put there, and felt shame for having driven her boyfriend- it was so wonderful to use that word!- into that corner.
But it wasn't all bad, she mused, and despite the negative memories, she still had to smile. Her little Hiccup still had a long way to go in the self-confidence department. He still had some delusion that he couldn't make Astrid happy, and while he stood in favor with the townspeople, he remained sensitive to all snide or thoughtless comments on his abilities. There were still times when Snotlout or those like him treated Hiccup as though he were the village screw-up, hopeless and useless, and sometimes Astrid still had to talk Hiccup down from the dark ledges his mind ran to.
But this time, even when facing a person whose rejection would have broken him, he dared to voice a dissenting opinion, for his own sake and no one else's. Rather than enduring abuse and belittlement with his usual silence or veiled sarcasm, this time her Hiccup had confronted his aggressor and kicked them in the shins, and Astrid couldn't have been more proud of him.
As for herself, the war was over, and it was peacetime. And Astrid intended to spend all that time adding "trustworthy" to her list of character traits.