Another night another nightmare. He had to much of these lately. His mind being plagued with images of Sam on the rack. A change from the images of himself on the rack, Alistair cutting away at him, running his hands over him as well as the images of him doing the damage to Sam. Knowing that if he had still been in hell it might have been him. Alistair was fucked up enough to place Sam in front of him. And he might have been broken enough to treat him like any other soul placed in front of him. It was a thought that him shaking and crying.
He quietly moved off the couch that had been his home for the last month. He ached for the alcohol to burn the images out of his head but he couldn't. Not with Ben upstairs. He already drank to much as it was but not here. He would sometimes get a motel room for a night when the memories got too much and he couldn't take it anymore. But he promised Ben he would be here in the morning.
Instead he moved outside. Tears stung his eyes but there was no one here to see. It was three in the morning and here he stood. Outside, shivering in the cold and tears running down his throat. Internally screaming for anything or anyone that could take the pain away. Praying for something that would help him get through the night. Something he had spent far too much time doing already. Too many nights when the weight crushed his lungs and made it hard to breathe. Even if he remained stoic on the outside it was easy to see the damage. Though no one commented he could see their glances.
He leaned back against the wall and let himself slide down. Knowing his prayers wouldn't be answered. They never where. He again cursed the promise Sam forced on him. To make a life with Lisa and Ben. It was Lisa he was supposed to love but there was only one person who ever understood him. One person he could be himself with and left him able to breathe. Only one person who could soothe his pain and every day he couldn't help but pray for him. For his presence if only for a few moments.
He shuddered as the damn finally broke. Tears coursing down his cheeks and powerful shudders wracking his frame. His fingers clenching his own wrists so hard blood trailed down his wrists and hands to drip on the floor. He couldn't do this anymore. Not by himself. He couldn't pretend he belonged here and fit in. He couldn't be the father Ben needed or the man Lisa needed him to be. It wasn't him anymore. He was to broken to stand on his own feet and he didn't know what to do any longer.
His breathing hitched when he felt a strong form gather him in his arms. The last bit that sought for control shattering completely as he buried his fingers in the brown trench coat. Warm arms settled around him as he collapsed into a warm chest. Crying so hard he could barely get enough air in his lungs.
It wasn't until dawn broke when the emotions ceased and he collapsed weakly against the Angel. All strength leaving him as the desperation and pain had finally run its course. "Stay." He begged. "Please stay." He could feel soft lips press against his forehead as a warm hand wiped the wet tears of his cheek. "Always." The gruff voice promised. It was only then that he could give into the darkness and sleep. His rest for once peaceful as the Angel guarded his dreams.