Dear Dick Wolf,
I came to a shocking conclusion the other day. There I was, watching SVU, allowing myself to relax in the comforting lull of Elliot Stabler's rage, when it hit me.
Elliot Stabler is on STEROIDS!
Now, I know what you're thinking! No, surely not the good ol' Irish Catholic. But you're WRONG! And I can prove it.
Exhibit A (for Anger):
Elliot Stabler is always angry at everything and everyone. He wins the case, he's mad about what it took to get there, his family, and his co-workers. If he loses the case, he is mad at THAT GUY and/or there should be a law. Because, for example, when the law says you must be 17 to date, they mean you have to LOOK 17 to date! But I digress, and move back to the point that he is angry, too much, too easily. If the show is any indicator, he attacks one suspect a month, minimum. Two around holidays. He eats them for breakfast and then demands a main course. And if they're innocent, well, ya shouldn'ta acted all guilty like, chum! He just can't win, can't find a situation where anger is not an appropriate reaction. Hot-blooded... or roid rage?
Exhibit B (for Back): We never see good ol' Elliot shirtless. When we do, it's a close-up of his arm, or perhaps his stomach. However, we never see his back. It COULD be a coincidence, or it could be to cover something up... "something" being a horrid case of backne. How about some Clearasil for that back, El? I know you thought you were done with that stuff when you graduated high school, but people are going to ask questions sooner or later. You need to act fast.
Exhibit C (for Cathy, an alternate spelling of Kathy, who Elliot is having marital troubles with) Marital troubles are a complex dysfunction resulting from various incompatibilities with the two partners. I think that's what George would say, probably. Anyway, lots of things can cause marital problems and desires for divorce. Some of which originate in the bedroom. Some bedroom issues can result from physical inabilities to "perform". And those performance issues can result from, you guessed it, STEROIDS! Steroids also cause manboobs. Which are not pretty.
There are other things to support this, too. There's the fact that Elliot, being a 40 something police officer, needs to bulk up. And who has time to get those kind of muscles the honest way, when he spends 12 hours a day at the precinct AND he has a young'un at home? There's also the fact that Elliot reacted so strongly when that kid was on the juice. Or it might have been his dad. I don't really know or care at this point.
There is also Elliot's hatred of psychiatrists. It could be something as innocent as a desire to have his thoughts remain private, OR it could be... fear? Fear of the unmistakable signs being recognized and his dirty secret exposed?
I leave you with this: Elliot Stabler is, has always been, and always will be a user. His intentions may have been innocent when he started; maybe he even wanted to try it once, just to see what it could do for him. However, now his intentions are much more selfish. He needs the roids in order to gain the muscle he desires, and at this point, the consequences of stopping would have a bigger impact on his personal life than continuing would. So he is going to sacrifice his health, his family, his job, and countless suspects, just to look manlier. But is backne REALLY manly? How about manboobs? Or the other issues? HUH? I think not! He needs to just quit it and get off the juice!
Please, Mr. Wolf, read this and know that Mr. Stabler is at great risk. He needs help. The roids will kill him, and it will be all your fault! So just get him help! *breaks down into tears* I don't want to see him do this to himself, man! Here I am watching TV and now I gotta look out for this guy cause he can't and no one else will! He has KIDS, and one of them is an infant! Don't let him do this, please! If baseball and WWE can make policies to deal with this, so can the NYPD!
Sincerely,
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Gothic Psychological Philosophical Neo-Hippie Emo Fairy of Hope and Joy, The Third.