So. This story. I have no idea where it's going, but I needed some fluff because I'm working on a really angsty spideypool oneshot for ao3. And one of my favorite artists and inspirations, SayianDoll, has somehow risen from the dead. So it all just kinda fell into place. I'm working on a really cheesy multichap au for these two as well and a couple other projects. So that's a thing.

There's some language and some references to sexy times because in order to make a baby one must fuck. It's kinda how it is.

title comes from Arctic Monkey's "Baby I'm Yours", cause I'm a sap.

And Gavard is not a typo.

Ah yes. The pregnancy test. One of man's greatest inventions, yet the bane of an unmarried genius' existence. How could it be that one so bright, one who has created life-saving technology, one who graduated from Gavard University with 3 master degrees, one of regal blood and years of refined breeding, forget to take a pill as a precautionary measure? Better yet, remind her boyfriend to put on a condom or at least pull out?

Bra Briefs sat on the edge of the tub, glaring at the counter top. How dare her body betray her this way! How dare her period be late! How dare her sex life be so satisfying!

All Lapis' fault. One hundred percent. The kinky bastard.

But it wouldn't be so bad, would it? Yes, Lapis would have to start making sure his weapons were put away, (Need she be reminded of the 2am trip to the bathroom, during which a misplaced gun went off and nearly shot her in the thigh.) and she'd need to take less hours in the lab. Both of them would need time off work. There would need to be adjusting.

A new extension to the cabin, maybe? Or they could move into the city to be closer to her parents? No, Lapis wouldn't agree to that. Too much noise. Bra had grown attached to the forest too, though she wouldn't admit it to him. He'd get too much satisfaction.

What gender would it be? Bra wanted a little girl, because-well-duh! All those cute frilly dresses! And the cute wittle baby shoes! She could teach her to do her hair and makeup! Teach her how to build a nano bot and how to snap a man's neck with her thighs! You know, those mother daughter things!

Lapis would want a boy of course, because he was a stupid dumb man who wanted another stupid dumb man around to make him feel more confident in his stupid dumb man opinions. He was constantly complaining about Bra's lack of testosterone. He'd want someone to roughhouse and wrestle with. Someone to make dick jokes with.

Finally, another person in the house who peed standing up!

And Bra wouldn't complain because she could still teach him all neuroscience and the universe and hey, maybe she could still teach him about makeup! If he was into that…

Besides, any child of theirs would be gorgeous. Lapis was fucking beautiful, with those pale eyes of his and those cheekbones that could cut through steel-hot damn! And Bra did take modeling gigs for extra cash back in college.

Her babies would come out posing for Baby Gap.

The timer on her phone blared, tearing her out of her thoughts. The time had come. She would find out if she was carrying life or just Taco Bell in her stomach.

She crept to the counter, as if approaching a potentially rabid animal.

Okay Bra. You're a grown ass woman. You've faced demons, monsters, and grad school. You can look at a pregnancy test.

Just gotta lift the cardboard. She reached toward it.

Lift the cardboard. Her fingers twitched, almost there.

LIFT THE CARDBOARD! She smacked the box from the test in a display of unnecessary, Sayian approved violence.

Ha. Take that, you minor inconvenience!

But what awaited her, Bra hadn't been prepared for. There, against the stark white background, was a little pink cross.

"So unholy," She spat. But the warmth that swelled in her chest made her smile.

The sound of the front door opening alerted her to her boyfriend-now baby daddy's-arrival home.

Oh God. What was she going to tell Lapis? Well, she knew what she had to tell Lapis, but how was she going to do it?

She worried her bottom lip with her teeth. Hell Cat meowed loudly at the door, as if to say "Mom, the sack of flesh you call 'honey' is home. Are you going to feed me? Because that rat bastard isn't and I don't have thumbs." He then scratched at the door as if to punctuate this point. She sighed.

It wouldn't be fancy or dramatic, but she figured it would be best to come out and tell him. Lapis always saw through her anyway, if she'd try something else.

She looked at herself in the mirror and took a deep breath, "Brassiere Vegeta Briefs. You are the hottest piece of ass on this planet Earth. You are incredibly smart and talented- "

"Don't forget humble," a deep voice from the other side of the door interjected.

Bra squeaked, "Jesus Fucking Christ, Lapis! You scared the shit out of me! Wear a bell!"

"Kinky," He smiled, sliding into the bathroom like he owned the place. Which he did, but still. How incredibly rude. What if she was putting in a tampon or something?

"So, what's wrong?" He asked.

"What do you mean 'what's wrong?' psssht," She moved past him in gentle spin, "Nothing is wrong. I'm fine. 120 percent. Never better."

"Is Stacey from accounting talking shit again? I mean I sold her personal information to the Armenian mafia. You'd think that get the point across but- "

"She requested a transfer," She shrugged, "Besides, nothing is wrong, baby doll."

He stood in the doorway, arms crossed over his chest, eyebrow raised.

She deflated instantly, "So, you know how my period's been three months late?"

"Yeah."

"And how I've been getting really tired lately for no discernible reason?"

"Yeahh..." He dragged it out a little, a flicker of understanding behind his eyes.

"And how for the past week, I've been puking like I've been possessed by Pazuzu?"

He nodded, mouth in a straight line and eyes wide.

"Yeah, you know where I'm going with this. I took a pregnancy test," She exhaled sharply, "And it's positive."

It was unbearably silent. Bra got a fiercely vivid image of her boyfriend packing up and leaving in that moment. Of her raising a baby all by herself. It wouldn't be impossible. She could do it. But…but she wanted to trust Lapis enough to be there for her and their child.

"You're not…you're serious?"

Bra nodded, "How do you feel?"

"Honestly?" He laughed nervously, "I feel like I'm about to vomit."

She gave a watery smile, "Is it a "Yay, I'm so happy to be a father!" sort of vomit or a "Oh God no why? My life is over someone save me!" sort of vomit?"

"A little bit from column A, a little bit from column B."

She hugged him, burying her face in his chest, "'M sorry."

He sighed and wrapped his arms around her, "Why are you apologizing?"

"I don't know. I feel like you hate me for this and I'm trying to make it better!"

He lifted her chin and bend down so that their foreheads were touching, "Bra, your father has tried to kill me. Several people have threatened to chop off my dick. My bank account is perpetually drained, my house constantly reeks of scented candles, and I don't think I remember what life was like without having a grouchy monkey clinging to my back every morning."

Bra pouted indignantly at that, "Not my fault. You choose to leave the bed."

"If none of the insanity you bring can scare me off, then this isn't going to."

She giggled and kissed his nose, "Everyone thinks you're an emotion less hunk of metal, but on the inside you're a massive sap."

"Only for you, Princess."