Title: In Space, No-One Can Hear You *BEEP* (the Absurdly *BEEPed* Version)
Author: Omnicat
Unofficially Adapted From: CLAMP's Clamp School Defenders Duklyon
Spoilers & Desirable Foreknowledge: All of the above.
Characters & Pairings: Eri x Sukiyabashi, with brief cameos by Kentaro and Takeshi.
Warnings: Deliberately horribly written and then totally *BEEPed* out sex, defacement, destruction and general disrespect to the fourth wall, some bad language.
Summary: Worst. Honeymoon. Ever. But the *BEEP* made up for everything.
Author's Note: I used Sukiyabashi's first name because if even married couples can't call each other by their first names, then I just don't know anymore. ChilledFlame/Badluck Koi and I dared each other to write Duklyon smut. THIS IS A WORK OF GENIUS, if I do say so myself. Especially now that it's been censored to fit FFN's rating restrictions. The original version is linked at the bottom.
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In Space, No-One Can Hear You *BEEP*
There are two categories of honeymoons: non-disastrous ones, and disastrous ones.
Eri and Kotobuki's honeymoon fell in the disastrous category. It all started when they realised that neither of them could cook worth a damn. This wouldn't have been a problem if they'd gone the traditional route - conquering the planet, enslaving the populace, ensuring the personal staff performed to satisfaction by including decapitation and defenestration on the list of punitive measures. But, well. Hence the whole eloping thing. One thing led to another, and they spent the next several star systems alternately hogging the bathroom. Which, in turn, caused them to blow a few fuses in the bowels of their space ship trying to handle the stench. Then, of course, the space traffic agents that helped tow their stranded ship to the nearest repair station mocked them both for being sent to a backwater planet like Earth, and the repairmen were of an alien species that left slime wherever they went. Plus, they took ages to fix the problem and grossly overcharged. Because of the delay, they missed the nice weather season on the planet they had been planning to visit, they didn't get a refund for the room and events they'd booked, and last but not least, they were forced to kill a kitty. A giant, scaly, flesh-eating monster full of teeth and claws and poisonous poke-y bits bearing only a vague resemblance to a kitty, but a kitty nonetheless. One that gave them fleas. Oh, and the anti-flea medicine tasted horrible.
On the other hand, the sex was fantastic, and they had it all the time (when they weren't running to the bathroom) and everywhere (that didn't reek horribly, was covered in alien slime, or swarming with space fleas). It made up for everything.
It seemed like no time at all before Kotobuki's home planet came into view.
"Look, my love," he said, wrapping his arms lovingly around Eri and pointing at the tiny coloured dot outside the porthole. "Almost there. Almost home."
"Oh darling, I can't wait to see it. It must be beautiful," Eri simpered back.
"It is. I'm sure you'll love it there."
"I'll love any place I can visit as long as you're with me," Eri said, clasping his hands in her own. Then a dark cloud seemed to overshadow the radiantly lit flower garden of her face. "But what if your parents don't like me?"
Kotobuki's eyes went wide with shock. "Of course they'll like you! I'm more worried about your parents trying to put my whole planet behind bars."
"I didn't bring my good mallet, and honestly, my right hook could use some work -"
"Your kind and gentle personality will steal their hearts just as it did mine, I'm sure of it," Kotobuki gushed, squeezing Eri's hands for reassurance.
Eri blushed and looked up at him from beneath dramatically fluttering eyelashes. "Really?"
"Really."
He put his whole heart into the words, and they reached Eri's *BEEPing* *BEEP* like a renewed subscription of Cupid's arrows.
The double entendre in '*BEEPing* *BEEP*' being intentional.
"Let's *BEEP* again," she whispered huskily, shoving him against the wall and pressing her body up against him with such force that the whole ship shook. "One last time, before we see your parents. Let's make them grandparents!"
"Oh, Eri-chan!"
"Oh, Kotobuki-kun!"
(Kotobuki would later wonder, as he had several times before, at what point he had lost sight of himself enough to literally *BEEP* off his own *BEEPs*, and how it was possible for the knock-down-drag-out-beat-down strength of his love for Eri to manifest in physical scrapes, bruises, and sprained muscles. It didn't even occur to him that Eri might be the one who had no concept of pulling your punches while making *BEEP*, *BEEP* *BEEP*. Eri, for her part, would never realise anything was out of the ordinary, because Kotobuki never brought it up.)
With a few more shakes of the ship, they made it to the much-abused *BEEP* in the disaster area-like *BEEP*room, where Eri proceeded to *BEEP* on Kotobuki like a predator on prey and *BEEP* all his *BEEPs* off. Her own had a nifty vaporizing function (let's not ponder why); one press of the button and everything but the external metal *BEEP* went up in smoke. The crack this last piece of clothing made in the porthole when they threw it should probably have worried them a little, but you know how it goes. They rolled around on the bed for a while, *BEEPing* and *BEEPing* and not quite aware of how thorough they were in *BEEPing* every spring in the *BEEP*, and built up some good volume in preparation of the main event.
In a moment of extraordinary luck, Kotobuki managed to break their (mostly Eri's) momentum and hook Eri's legs over his shoulders. With a smouldering look that made his own glasses dim with condensation, he lowered his head to her *BEEP* *BEEP* (no, not the one I just used to describe her face; to him, she was a mass of flower gardens all over. maybe they all had different flowers in them or something) and buried it in her *BEEP*, *BEEP* *BEEP*. Delicate, girlish mewls escaped her as he licked her *BEEP* and prodded the sensitive *BEEP* crowning them. Eri's *BEEP* flowed thick and fast when Kotobuki *BEEPed* two *BEEPs* in her *BEEP*, and he *BEEPed* and *BEEPed* until she *BEEPed* and *BEEPed* *BEEPABEEPBEEP, *BEEPing* like *BEEPADOOBABEEP*.
...look, I know a face full of dirt and pollen would just be gross, but I'm writing a Duklyon fic here. The purple prose comes with the territory. Just ask Takeshi and Kentaro. They have their own little side-panel, right there, see?
Kentaro: We get an appearance in this fic too?! :D There is a god!
Takeshi: Have you even noticed what kind of scene we've been dragged into?! D8
Kentaro: *checks* DX The horror, the horror!
With that out of the way, let's move on.
Kotobuki re-emerged, Eri's *BEEPs* splattered across his face and glasses like the blood of a conquered people, his *BEEP* *BEEP* and burning with the desire to pillage.
"Oh husband," Eri whimpered as she caught her breath and withdrew her fist from the hole she'd punched in the headboard during *BEEP*. "I want your *BEEP* *BEEP* in me. I want you to *BEEP* inside me and make me pregnant!"
So *BEEP* and *BEEP* she was, she fell back on lines straight out of a hentai manga, and unfortunately that stuff has a universal appeal that drives even genre-savvy space aliens like Kotobuki mad.
"Oh, my sweet, darling wife, yes!"
Kneeling before her, he lifted her hips and draped her legs over his thighs, lining her up to be *BEEPed* by his *BEEP*. Then he... well, *BEEPed* her with his *BEEP*.
Eri cried out anew at the sensation of being *BEEPed* so quickly and thoroughly. But the hentai girl phase passed as quickly as it had come, and soon she had her *BEEPs* *BEEPed* around Kotobuki's waist, *BEEP* into his *BEEP*, hoarsely demanding "*BEEP*, *BEEP*, *BEEPITYBEEP*!" and *BEEPing* his *BEEPs* on her *BEEPs* and yanking him into a *BEEP*, *BEEPing* *BEEP* by his long dark hair. Somewhere along the way, *BEEPs* appeared around Kotobuki's *BEEPs*.
When they *BEEPed*, it was the *BEEPing* of a *BEEP* into a *BEEPing* *BEEP*, the *BEEP* *BEEP* of *BEEP* by a *BEEP* *BEEP*, and shoujo sparkles erupted off the sweat beading their bodies into the air all around them.
(No pregnancy followed, though. Eri hadn't stopped taking the pill, and didn't intend to until she had at least gotten her Clamp School diploma and been promoted. Preferably twice. It's important to practice safe sex, kids, even when you're married!)
When they sat down for dinner with King and Queen Sukiyabashi, they answered their questions about the trip with smiles so radiant they could power space lasers.
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PSAN: Hope you liked it. XD For the un*BEEP*ed version, go here (just remove the spaces and add a period): archiveofourown org /works/313575 Or check my profile!