Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter.
Warning: This is very different from my usual and does have an M rated scene. You've been warned.
"You shouldn't be with someone like me"
"That's really not your decision to make"
With a huff he threw his quill violently onto the table, creating an ink line across his parchment.
The words were still flying through his mind. Frustrating. Painful. Agonizing.
He could still see her face. The pink hair, the blue eyes, the determined set of her jaw, the fists her hands were clenched into by her sides as she looked at him, her eyebrows set as if challenging him. He couldn't get her out of his head. He couldn't even concentrate on the bloody letter to his mother.
He groaned as he dropped his head to the table, resting his head on his crossed arms. Now, more than ever, he missed his best friends.
James would have rolled his eyes and told him not to let his "furry little problem" get in the way.
Lily would have whacked James in the arm before turning and smiling sweetly at him, telling him that if she really loved him she wouldn't mind the lycanthropy. Lily had always made it sound like a condition, rather than a little problem. Lily was the only one who understood that it was a serious condition.
Sirius would have sniggered madly at the idea of his best mate falling for someone nineteen years younger than him. Sirius would've told him that a younger person would appreciate his wolfish tendencies.
Sirius would have also received a whack from a scandalized Lily for his insensitivity.
He smiled slightly into the cradle his arms had created for him. Harry was now sixteen and he could still see Lily and James in his minds eye. Picture their reactions. Laugh at their would-be antics. He still remembered the playful looks they'd throw each other, the mischievous glint in James' when there was a suspicious red mark on Lily's neck, the smirk Lily fought whenever James tried to make up an excuse for her.
Could he have that? With her? Despite everything?
He groaned once more, and pushed himself up, banging his hand on the table in his frustration. Rubbing the sore spot on his forehead that had born the weight of his head, he walked to the kitchen of his small flat, switching on the muggle coffee machine he'd seen on the way to the Grimmauld Place courtyard. He'd bought it because it reminded him of Lily.
He'd missed Lily and James for years now, but his heart ached for Sirius, whom he'd missed twelve years with because of Peter. He shook his head sadly, mulling over the terrible fates all his friends had come to.
James and Lily had been murdered.
Sirius had also been murdered.
They'd died heroic deaths, deaths anyone would have wanted. They'd died protecting Harry. And that was how he would have chosen to go as well. After all, Harry was more than just Lily and James' son. He was almost like his and Sirius' adopted son, despite his lack of godparent status.
Peter was sucked into the darkness. He was the only one that wasn't looked back on with a smile. To this day, he still didn't understand what had happened to the boy he had considered a friend. While James and Sirius had been off together, they'd stuck together, been almost as close as James and Sirius had been. Almost.
The mug filled up and he grabbed it, taking a large swig. His lycanthropy had helped him in that the scorching hot coffee didn't burn him. He could drink boiled water and not have an issue with it. That was the one thing his friends envied about his condition. He smirked slightly, remembering their pained expressions as he grabbed one of Mrs. Potter's fresh-out-of-the-oven homemade cookies, their salivating faces watching as he popped the hot cookies in his mouth, grinning all the while.
It was memories like those that made him sigh when it came to her. She was so much younger, so much more naïve, so like James and Sirius when it came to his problem. As if it didn't even matter. As if it were just a "furry little problem."
He could see the Lily in the back of his mind shaking her head at him, a second away from throwing her hands up in frustration at his stupidity. Merlin! Just go out with her! She would've said exasperatedly, and the other two idiots would have nodded eagerly in agreement with her. That's how it had always been. After she had agreed to date James, she was cherished not only by James, but by all of them. She was their girl. It's as if I'm dating all four of you, which is annoying really, since this one's more than I can handle already, she'd said one afternoon, as they lounged underneath the renowned Marauder tree at Hogwarts with James' head resting in her lap. He had looked up and grinned cheekily at her and she'd affectionately lightly hit his forehead.
His mind shifted to the cushion pile at Grimmauld Place. He imagined himself lying in her lap, her hands sifting through his hair. Before he could stop himself, his hand flew up to his head, brushing through the strands by his forehead. He closed his eyes and imagined his fingers were her fingers, and sighed contentedly.
The sound of his sigh snapped him out of his reverie, and he dropped his hand immediately, muttered to himself about being inappropriate and pathetic. He took another swig of his coffee and walked out of the kitchen, parking himself in the chair he'd been sitting in and urging himself to pick up the quill and write the words out to his mother.
He had written two words before she had appeared in his mind again.
Throwing his quill down once more, he stormed over to his bedroom, grabbed his coat and wand, and left his flat.
He wandered along the haunting streets before finally reaching the Courtyard of Grimmauld Place. There were a few muggle children running around, screaming happily as they played catch under the cloudy sky. He walked slowly past them, forcing his mouth to pull up into a smile as they waved enthusiastically at him, yelling 'Hi Mister!'
He closed his eyes, and opened them to see Number 12 standing proudly in front of him. The marvelous magic surrounding the house had never ceased to amaze him, and he looked back to see the children had gone back to playing, they hadn't noticed the new arrival of a house.
He quickly scampered up the stairs, brushing his shoes out on the, believe it or not, welcome mat on the porch, before pushing the door open. The light was on in the kitchen, so he hung his coat on the coat hanger by the door and strolled over, entering to see the Weasleys, Hermione and her sitting at the table. She was smiling and he stopped for a second just to look at her smile, before taking a step forward and making himself seen.
"Oh Remus! How wonderful of you to stop by!" Molly exclaimed happily, waddling over to him and smiling up at him, "You're looking a bit peaky dear? The full moon close?" she asked, patting his cheek with an absurd amount of motherly affection for a woman only five years older than him.
"Just passed actually," he said, smiling slightly, trying not to notice the way she was smiling at Ginny, who was seated beside her. The Weasley's had been staying at Grimmauld Place to look after Headquarters, and were leaving the next morning to return to The Burrow as she took over the duty of Headquarter watching. The idea of her alone in this big creepy house had bothered (and continued to bother him) since Dumbledore had announced the schedule.
"Well why don't you sit down, I'll fetch you some biscuits and tea," she said, and he smiled.
"It's not necessary Molly, I just had something," he said, deciding not to mention that what he had had was still half full on his desk back at his flat.
"Not a problem," she sung good-naturedly, "what brings you here?"
"Just wanted to go to Sirius' room," he said quietly, and the atmosphere in the room changed immediately. Everyone turned to look at him, including her, with worried expressions. They were grieving too, but nobody had been closer to Sirius than he and Harry had, and nobody missed him as much.
"Of course dear, you go right on up," Molly said, and he walked out, not even chancing a glance at her, feeling the roomful of pitiful glances following him out. He trudged up the stairs, imagining for the hundredth time what it had been like for Sirius to run up and down these stairs as a child.
He pushed open the door to Sirius' room, looking around at the familiar walls and posters (oh Merlin the posters!). He stepped towards the picture taken of the four of them glued firmly onto Sirius' wall, and continuously tapped Peter until he ran out of the frame, leaving himself, Sirius and James.
"There are nicer ways to get rid of people, you know."
The voice caught him off guard, and he closed his eyes to gather himself. He could not possibly have her aware of what he felt when he heard her voice. Or saw her face. Or smelt her hair. Or looked into her eyes. Or saw her smile. No, she couldn't know that. He sucked in a breath through his teeth before slowly turning around, to see her leaning against the doorframe, a slightly amused glint in her eye.
"He doesn't deserve nice," he shrugged, trying not to notice how her hair was ginger instead of pink, the way she loved it, the way he loved it, and how when she lifted her arms even slightly he'd get a peek of the smooth skin of her hips and waist. How he legs were long and lean, graceful even stationary. How her eyes were big and holding both amusement and caution in them.
So she was thinking about their disagreement as well. The thought brought a strange satisfaction to him, and he felt the corner of his mouth twitch, fighting to pull up into the full-fledged smirk he'd picked up from both James and Sirius.
She had smiled at his comment, but returned to her serious mentality almost immediately, "Have you thought about it?" she asked quietly, and he sighed.
"Thought about what?" he asked, proud of himself for having kept his voice steady when his knees were anything but. He could see the Lily in his brain slapping her palm to her forehead at his feigned stupidity, and see the other two sniggering both at her reaction and his stupidity.
"Oh, don't play dumb with me Remus," she replied, rolling her eyes, "You know exactly what I'm talking about, so answer the question."
"I haven't," he bit out, not wanting her to know just how much he'd thought about it, how long he'd lain awake at night imagining having her lying next to him, how much he wanted to grab her hips, pull her to him, and show her just how much he'd thought about it.
"And even I know that's shite," she sneered, shaking her head, taking a couple steps towards him, "Why cant you just drop your prejudice and agree to this?" she whispered, her large eyes pleading with him, and he felt anger boil up in his stomach.
"Because it wouldn't be right Nymphadora!"
"Don't call me Nymphadora!" she protested, her progressively voice rising to a yell, "And who are you to say what would and wouldn't be right?"
"It wouldn't," he insisted, shaking his head sadly as he looked into her large eyes, "You're too young for me-"
"Age is just a number," she shot back, glaring angrily at him, "and if that's your bleeding excuse-"
"I have a serious condition and it's dangerous for you," he yelled, and she snorted.
"I'm an Auror. I eat danger for breakfast. What more have you got for me?" she asked, her eyebrows doing that, that thing again, where they make it look like she's challenging him.
"You don't want me," he said, and she snorted once again, "The amount you're snorting you should have your nose morphed into a bloody snout," he muttered, and saw her lips pull up at the edges as she attempted to fight her laughter. His stomach jumped as his previous flashback of Lily and James entered his head, and he looked down at the amused girl with a new kind of awe, which he covered up from her, keeping his features hard.
"I already did the snout," she said nodding towards the stairs, referring to Ginny and the lot, "And who are you to tell me what I do and don't want?" she asked, narrowing her eyes slightly.
"I'm the only one in this room being rational!" he yelled, finally allowing his emotions to get the best of him.
"What do you mean you're being bloody rational? You're being irrational if anything!" she yelled, and he growled at her, "I want to be with you! You want to be with me! And don't deny it I can see it on your face," she said, as he opened his mouth to protest her statement.
"I don't want to be with you," he bit out, and she rolled her eyes
"Remus, come on."
"No! You come on! You're being stupid. I'm not only nineteen years older than you, nineteen Dora, that's a whole person who's legal to drink!" he said, and she snorted once again, but he ignored it, too far caught up in his passion, "Not to mention the fact that I'm a werewolf!" he spat the word at her, "I'm not safe! I'm dangerous and it would humiliate and be shame you for the rest of your life to be married to a werewolf, not to mention how I couldn't be able to fucking live with myself I did anything to you-"
"There," she cut him off, her voice quiet, "That's all I needed to hear," she said, before taking a step so she was directly in front of him, resting her hand on the back of his neck and pulling him down to meet her.
Her lips were warm and he instantly grabbed her hips, pulling her impossibly closer to him as he moved his lips along with hers, urgently, passionately. He felt his sanity slip away as he continued to snog her and harder and closer and she was fire and he need to coat himself with it and her smell and the feel of her small body in his arms was too much, too much, but not enough.
She sifted her hands through his hair and released a moan as he placed his hands under her knees and hitched her legs up so they were wrapped around his waist and closer and harder and she tasted so good and he lost himself entirely in the feel of her and how her hair was changing to pink underneath his hands and how that just turned him the fuck on to no end.
And then her shirt was gone and his shirt was gone, and soon she was bare and goddess like underneath him and he couldn't stop himself as he did what he'd thought of doing for so long and she was moaning uncontrollably into his shoulder and he growled and directed her mouth back to hers, snogging her like there was no tomorrow.
And suddenly it was over, and they were both gasping for breath, his face buried in her neck, her hands resting in her hair, as they took deep panting breaths in unison.
"Remus," she whispered, and he lifted his head to look at her, all his sanity returning with a blast as he looked into his eyes. He felt himself push off the bed and grab his boxers and trousers, pulling them on quickly as he hunted the floor for his shirt, but he couldn't find the damn thing. He was so angry at himself and didn't feel her come up behind him, grabbing his wrist, causing him to freeze and turn around to look at her with wide panicking eyes, "It's okay," she whispered, resting her hands on either side of his face.
"It's not," he whispered back, shaking his head as he felt his eyes sting, "I'm not good for you," he managed, and she smiled at him, leaning up on her toes to kiss him lightly.
"Rubbish," she said, shaking her head, her pink hair bouncing as she did so, "I'm the one whose face turns into a pigs snout, if anything, you should be running from me," she said, and he looked at her as she grinned cheekily up at him.
"I'm being serious," he said, and she smirked
"I am too."
"I'm a werewolf," he said bluntly, trying to get her to understand that this was wrong and it couldn't happen and he couldn't be with her because he was bad for her.
"Then why did you do it?" she asked, "Do me, I mean," she added slyly, and he shot her a hard look as she continued to grin at him.
"I'm a werewolf," he repeated, this time with more emphasis, and she rolled her eyes
"I kno-ow," she replied, and he huffed irritably.
"You're not getting it!"
"Because you're rubbish at explaining and your argument makes no sense and even if it did I would ignore it, because I love you," she said, and he shook his head ferociously
"No, no you can't love me. You're still young. You can find someone so much better. I'm, I, I have a furry little problem," he threw out, unsure of what else to say, and saw her quirk a brow amusedly, "Long story," he muttered, and she smiled slightly
"And I'm willing to wait around for you to tell it," she said, and he shook his head, "Don't shake your head at me Remus John Lupin," she said sternly, and he smirked slightly, "You have no choice. I am not going anywhere. You've known from the beginning what a stubborn person I am so you know what you've gotten yourself into," she said sternly, and he sighed, running a hand through his hair, "Now, you can either suck it up and smile and kiss me, or you can suck it up, smile and kiss me," she said and he laughed.
"I'm sorry," he said, gesturing to the bed, "The wolf thing took over, and I shouldn't have done it."
"Well I'll have you know I like your wolfish tendencies," she said, and he chuckled quietly, "I need to ask you a question," she said, and he quirked a brow at her, "When was the last time you let yourself be happy?" she asked, and he balked.
"That's-"
"Exactly," she replied, taking a step closer to him, causing him to fear the possibility of more wolfish tendencies to arise, "Just let yourself be happy," she said, and he sighed.
"It's not that simple."
"But it really is," she said, nodding her head, "Let me help you."
"Dora I-"
"Remus, will you please go out with me?" she asked, and he glared down at her, "Yes, yes I will," she said in a deeper voice, and his lip twitched, "See? Easy."
"I don't know if this is a good idea," he murmured, and she shrugged.
"It is," she said, and he sighed.
"You shouldn't be with someone like me," he sighed finally, taking her hand, and she beamed up at him.
"That's really not your decision to make"
Well hey guys! There you have it, my first Remus/Tonks. This just came to me in the middle of my English Homework and I had to write it before I forgot it. I know it's different from my usual stuff, particularly with the 'sex' scene so I hope it was okay.
Review please! And Gong Xi Fa Cai to those who celebrate!