English Version by Faby-chan
Edited by Rojo -11/9/01
Editor's Note(Rojothegreat): This story was originally translated from
Italian by someone other than me. I have been asked to correct mistakes
and make the English sound better. In some cases I have changed very small
things, like persons to people for easy reading. I have changed the format
a lot. Originally this was in Wordpad or something and was all clumped
together in one huge paragraph. You can see the original on Ryan Xavier's
site: http://www.angelfire.com/anime2/shinjirei/index.html. I wanted to
preserve the writer's vision and make it easily readable at the same time.
I have been as true to this as I can. Please enjoy.
Author Note(Rei-chan): This is my first approach to write an Evangelion
one-shot fiction.^_^ Please, send me your comments about my email address
reichan@inwind.it Many thanks to my pre-reader Rojo the great for
this fixed version!!^_____^ARIGATOU GOZAIMASU!!^_____^ (I'm an Italian
girl, and this story was originally written in Italian..)
Check also my fanfiction website: http://members.tripod.it/aoitears
(in italian and in english)
Sorry for this repost, but I've just fixed a little error:)
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Rei Ayanami's Feeling
"A new day has started. I'm still in my bed. It's so strange that there isn't any sun outside. I don't know why I have woken up without the light of the sun. I don't know what time is it, but something tells me that it is already morning. So, slowly, I stand up and I go barefoot to the window. It's a rainy day out there.
The rain.
What is the rain? Water that is falling down from the sky? Water, which makes everything become the same gray. Human beings dislike rain. It's enough for me to look at them searching for shelter, when the sky starts to send down the rain. It's a strange behavior to me. Why do you have to escape, if water is falling down from the sky? Water is a pleasant feeling. It's my only diversion.
An intense rain is falling upon Neo Tokyo 3. There are a few people in the streets that are running to stay dry. Meanwhile other ones with their umbrellas don't seem to care at all, and go their own way, as if nothing were the matter. They are calm. They are avoiding the rain, covered by their umbrellas. The rain...I found myself in it. An atmospheric event of which people are afraid. Just like it, they fear me also. Nobody likes the rain, here in Tokyo 3, except the farmers who use it in order to irrigate their fields. First feared and secluded, then exploited. It's the same with me. I'm just like the rain. Everybody avoids me; everyone is scared of me. Just like the rain but then they use me for piloting their Evas. The rain, besides irrigating fields, has got nothing more. Just like me. Besides piloting the Evas, I have nothing more. Who knows if rain also hides as many secrets as I hide inside of me, huge secrets, much bigger than me. I...what can I do? For the rain, irrigating the fields is the only way to be useful to the other ones. The same for me. Piloting the Evas is the only thing I can do for the other people. I should be getting ready for the school.
The school.
The only place where I can be with the other children. Many people are sad, thinking about the school. But many people are happy to see others. I don't mind. History, Geography, Japanese, Math; it doesn't matter. I'm not going to school to interact with my classmates. I have never done that. I have never talked with anyone, as my classmates do at school.
My marks.
I'm not that bad at school. I was told to study, I do it. I can't complain about my marks, but I don't care about them. Why do I keep attending school if it doesn't matter to me? I was told by Commander Ikari to attend. I don't know why. I don't feel any affection for him. I don't feel any affection for myself either. But I feel that to obey his orders is the right thing to do. How silly, I'm so silly. Even if I felt affection for somebody I don't think that I would ever realize it. I don't know what affection is, what love is, or friendship. I have never known the meaning of these words, which signify those feelings. No one showed me them, until now. So, I ignore these feelings. But I know the hate. The wickedness, the loneliness. The loneliness...who...who better than me could know the meaning of this feeling? I have always been alone. I'm always alone. Every moment in my life I do everything alone. I'm self-sufficient...I guess. The hate and the wickedness. I know these feelings.
Asuka.
Asuka showed me them. Asuka hates me. Did I do anything to make her hate me so much? I wondered how. It doesn't matter anymore. Many people hate me. Even if they don't say it as frankly as Asuka did. I know.
Ikari.
What did Ikari teach me? What did he show me? I've not yet succeeded in understanding. I can't understand the sensation I feel whenever I'm with him. I have never felt it before. Nor am I able to explain it. It's not sadness; it's not happiness, nor indifference. I should be thinking about other things. Elementary things, for one that I'm ready to leave for school. I wear my school uniform. I'm coming near the door of my apartment. I see that there's an umbrella near to the entrance. I stare at it with attention. I regard it. But I won't take it. I can't avoid myself. I can't run away from myself. The rain is a part of me. Then, if I avoided the rain, it would be as if I escaped myself.
"I can't avoid myself", I say to myself, while I shut the door. I'm coming downstairs slowly. I hold the school bag in my hand. I arrive at the landing. I stop. I take a deep breath, and I go out, taking the same road I usually take every morning to go to school. The streets are deserted. There are no people walking, everyone has got a car. There is intense traffic. A thick rain is falling upon me. A cold rain. It wets my face, my dress, and my hair. It's just like me.
Cold.
Or at least, it's the way the others look at me. A cold and tiresome person. To be wetted by the rain is tiresome for living beings. Even being around me is tiresome. I'm tiresome for other people. Even if there is nothing about my behavior that can be considered annoying. The rain keeps on soaking me, while I'm walking down my road. It doesn't matter to me. The water is a pleasant sensation. The rain is exactly like me. I don't have to avoid it. Or I'll avoid myself.
I arrive at school. Many cars are parked around in front of the school's entrance. Many pupils, my classmate, get out their parents' cars and head to school's entrance, running. They run to avoid the rain, the less rain the better. The more I see how people react to the rain, the more I see myself in it, unbelievably. The people around me behave the same way as well when they have something to say to me. They usually approach with fear, they usually say quickly what they have to say, trying to look for words which will shorten as much as possible the sentence, and then leave me again, quickly escaping.
I enter to school. The floor is all wet because of the guys' wet shoes. Someone has put a sign inside the school, warning that the floor is slippery. I don't care about it. I proceed to go upstairs to the second floor of the school. Where is my class? I enter to the classroom. There are a few students, about eight or nine. The head of the class has not arrived yet. Neither has the substitute or Ikari. I go and sit down at my desk, in the last row by the window. My classmates are dry unlike me. I'm all wet. But who has wetted me…myself? I met myself. My classmates instead avoid me, remaining dry. With my arrival, they remain indifferent, as if nothing has happened. Actually, I'm don't care either. Just like the others I don't care.
Little by little, other classmates of mine start to enter the room. Some are totally dry, some others put their umbrellas into the umbrella-stand and some have only a few drops of rain on their school uniforms and complain about the weather conditions of the day. I'm also used to listening to people complaining about me. The head of the class arrives, and then the substitute, the pilot of Unit 02 and other classmates. But Ikari isn't here. He has not arrived yet. Major Katsuragi probably won't send him to school because of the rain. I feel bad when I think about this. I'm used to other people avoiding me. But until now Ikari has always treated me differently then the others. I did not understand whether his behavior was an unusual way to avoid me or that he didn't want to avoid me and tried to draw me closer to him. But now I'm sure. His behavior was a way like any other to keep me away from him. As I've already said, I'm used to it. But I'm sorry. I'm sorry that Ikari thinks this way about me as well. I don't' know why it hurts me. But I'm sorry. I have already been through so much pain. In the beginning I often felt like that when I saw other people avoiding me. Now it doesn't matter to me.
Suddenly he appears! Ikari is in the door of my classroom. I'm very
surprised to see him arrive, but it makes me wonder even more when I notice
him, all drenched by the rain just like me. I'm astonished and shocked.
I keep on looking at him and spy furtively all of his movements. He's smiling
at Aida and Suzuhara, who are joking with him as usual. Ikari is all wet...
why? Why did he get wet? Why didn't he take an umbrella like the other
guys did? Why didn't Major Katsuragi make him stay at home? My mind is
filled with a million thoughts like this, but I can't find a good answer
for any of them. Ikari realizes I'm looking at him, and he keeps on looking
at me too, gazing and smiling at me. I remove my gaze. I feel embarrassed
at the sight of Ikari's smile. I keep on wondering why he has not tried
to avoid the rain. By now, the classroom is almost full, though many pupils
are absent. Suddenly the teacher enters. It's him, that old man,
with hearing's problems; my classmates often have a good time whispering
among themselves, taking advantage.
The lesson is not interesting for me, as usual. I stay by the window, looking out. It is still raining. I like staring at the rain. It's interesting for me, because actually I'm looking at myself, but it's weird too. I find that I'm not interesting, but then why am I interested in looking at the rain? My hair is still wet, just like my dress. Some little drops of rain are dripping slowly from the locks of my hair, falling down on my desk. The teacher's voice, the ticking of the rain on the glass, the noise of the chalk on the blackboard and the numerous beeps of my classmates' computers that they use to send messages to each other. All at once, this makes me sleepy. My eyes are closing by themselves and I feel an unusual physical weakness in my muscles, the same as after an exhausting day.
"Ayanami!" My teacher's voice recalls my attention, wakes me up from my daydreams and sensations. Springing up I stand, caught off guard.
"Yes, teacher…"
"Try to pay attention! I'm explaining this for your benefit too," the teacher answers in an imperious tone.
My classmates look at me in silence. Here it is. This is the only way I ever capture the others' attention, no matter whether it is good or bad.
"I'm sorry," I answer, with a small bow of apology.
"Sit down."
"Yes, Sir." I answer, sitting down again.
The teacher carries on with his lesson, resuming at the point where he had left off. In order to avoid another reproach, I decide to pay attention to what he is explaining, but I can't concentrate on it. My mind is confused. Perhaps, all this thinking about the rain has worn me out. What has happened to me this morning...? Why have I concentrated on the rain and myself? I don't understand. The teacher is explaining something about ancient China, but I can't concentrate on it. Yet it should be a very interesting lesson. Even Aida and Suzuhara are interested. They are usually disinterested in all the lessons, unless it is one of Miss Ayukawa's lessons. We all know they'd do anything in order to make a good impression on Miss Ayukawa. A good impression...to introduce oneself pleasantly in the eyes of someone or something. This is not covered enough in my books about human psychology.
Rain is not important. As well as I'm not. I have to stop thinking about all this. My head feels like it is bursting into flames. I wonder why I am feeling this strange sensation. I have never felt it before now. Without me noticing the hours drag by. The ring of the bell announces the end of the lesson and Mr. Hiroaki informs the pupils that today because all the teachers of the other subjects are absent he will replace them. Taking advantage of it, he continues to explain the history lesson. And, later, following history lesson the last bell rings too. Outside it keeps raining intensely, harder than this morning. The students leave the classroom, clamoring, while the class rep. tries to keep order during the exit from school, but to no avail. My hair is still wet though my dress is dry. I still keep my seat at my desk even after my classmates have gone away. Strangely, I don't feel like following, standing up as all my classmates did. I feel tired all over my body. I rest my head on the desk and close my eyes. There's silence in the classroom. There's no one left. The only noises I'm able to perceive are my heartbeats. I don't know why but they are stronger than usual and I feel they are fast and heavy, as if I had been running.
"Ayanami…what are you doing?" The class rep. suddenly yells from the doorsteps of the classroom. I open my eyes slowly, and lift my head.
"Horaki..." I whisper, looking at the face of the class rep.
"Why are you still in the classroom? Are you waiting for somebody?" the girl continues, still standing on the doorstep. I shake my head "No", and stand up unwillingly. Hikari Horaki shrugs her shoulders in a gesture of puzzlement, and leaves. Just like the rain. The people, who must go outdoors, even if only for a second, cover the road running towards the shelter just like they run from me. People, who are forced to speak to me, even if only for a second, say what they have to say quickly and go away.
I walk to the door; my eyes are heavy. All these hours of history have made me sleepy even though it was an interesting lesson. I haven't paid even the least attention to my classmates' remarks about the lesson. I go downstairs slowly. While I'm going down I feel tired. What's happening to me? I'm hot and I sweat, but as soon as I lean my hand in the cool metal handrail of the stairs I shiver with cold. I can't explain this sensation. I have never felt like this before, but it is not a pleasant thing.
I exit the school. There are some students leaving with their umbrellas, while many more get into friends' and relatives' cars. Many give rides to each other. Only I am left standing here.
Alone.
I slowly go down the steps of the school and watch my feet as I walk to the gate. Underneath the rain, underneath myself…rain starting to soak me again. I walk alone now. It's like this morning again. There is no one around except the occasional pedestrian, running covered by a hood or umbrella. On the other hand, there are a lot of cars which form an interminable queue, their horns sounding. The cars are going on slowly but it doesn't matter to me. I keep walking home. As soon as I arrive home, I'll go to bed. I feel my body more tired than ever. I have never felt this way before. I perceive my heart beating fast again, even though I'm not strained. I have done nothing that should make my heart beat this quickly. Rain is seeping through my dress again, and I shiver uncontrollably. All at once, I stop and raise my eyes to the sky, smiling slightly. Perhaps I finally understood what is happening to me. Rain is trying to make me become one with itself. It is trying to make me dissolve into it.
So similar.
I'm so similar to the rain. So similar that the rain has mistaken me for a part of itself, and now it's melting me. After all, it doesn't bother me. This is my destiny. Keeping my face turned towards the gray sky, I close my eyes. What a weird sensation! Whenever I take a shower, I like feeling the streams of water on my face but they have never made me feel like this. When the drops of rain glide down my face slowly, shivers run along my body. I keep my eyes closed. I can't explain this sensation. I don't know whether it is a good or bad thing. But here I am and by now it doesn't matter. Rain has overwhelmed me; I feel my legs unable to hold my body's weight. I feel nothing anymore. I hear no noise except my thoughts roaring in my mind. My knees are the last thing to go, and then I let myself fall. I forsake everything, falling forward. I'm already prepared for the impact of my body against the hard asphalt of the road.
But suddenly I feel a firm grasp catching my waist, even before my knees touch the asphalt. I have no strength to open my eyes but I can hear a familiar voice calling my surname. "Ayanami!"
It's a male voice, whose voice is this? Perhaps I am imagining it?
"Ayanami!"
I hear that voice again. I recognize it. It's Ikari's voice. I perceive Ikari's touch on my skin. I have no strength left to move. I feel too heavy. I feel the weight of my body holding me down. I realize I will never succeed in sorting everything out by myself. I can't manage to keep everything inside me. Ikari is helping me stand up, nevertheless and I succeed in leaning the weight of my body upon my legs. And I lean my head on his shoulder.
"Ayanami! Are you alright?" Still keeping my eyes closed I am able to whisper.
"Ikari..."
I perceive the gentle touch of Ikari's hand on my forehead for a quick second. It's so beautiful, Ikari. Your hand is so fresh.
"You have a fever…" the boy is murmuring, taking his hand away from my forehead slowly. I can't hear the last words Ikari said. By now it's too late, Ikari. Rain is absorbing me. I feel as if I am leaving my body. The last thing I'm able to feel is one of Ikari's hands holding me up by my shoulders, while the other one is lifting my torpid legs.
After that I perceive nothing more. I guess I've become one with the rain. Ikari…how could it be that you were standing behind me? Why haven't you taken shelter from the rain today…why have you helped the rain…why did you catch me? I don't understand what's happening now. I can't feel my body anymore. I can't recognize myself anywhere. But I keep hearing my thoughts...who knows…perhaps even the rain is able to think, even the rain has got feelings as well as me. I'm sorry I have become rain. Now, I won't be able to reveal my secrets to anyone. I won't be able to say to anyone that I'm a clone. I won't be able to say to anyone that I will never bear children. I wont' be able to say to anyone that I love them.
And that…that I love you, Ikari.
I don't know how much time has passed. I don't even know where I am, what has happened, or what's occurred to me. But I perceive a very sweet sensation. A pleasant sensation. Much more pleasant than water. Much more pleasant than Commander Ikari. I know neither what it is, nor where it comes from, but I begin to perceive the feelings in my body. I still feel like my head has burst into flames. And on my forehead, I can feel again the same gentle touch as before, which is moving my hair away from my face and then touches my forehead again, tenderly. I feel calm, quiet...I like this sensation, and it tells me I have not become rain. I no longer feel the drops of rain, falling ceaselessly upon me. I feel dry, as if the rain realized that it made a mistake…who knows why the rain became aware that the two of us are not totally the same? Who knows what makes us different...perhaps the physical form…perhaps the fact that it's not a clone…or that it can have children while I cannot. I open my eyes again, slowly. At first I can't completely focus on what's around me. But, soon afterwards, the image clears up and I can see where I am. I'm lying down on a bed and I'm in a small light-pink room, which isn't my home. I have never seen this room before. On the wall there are two pictures, and the room is furnished with white furniture.
"Ayanami!..." I can hear the same voice as before from my other side so I turn to look. I see Ikari smiling in front of me.
"Ikari", I say, giving the boy a surprised look. The boy leans near me and kisses me on the cheek, sweetly. No one has ever done such a thing to me. I feel my cheeks blush. But perhaps they are already red, who knows the reason why? So I don't worry about it.
"You're awakened. You gave me a big scare a little while ago," the boy says smiling. Was Ikari scared...what was he afraid of...was he scared of the rain?
"Why?" I ask with a drowsy air.
"You were about to faint in the middle of the road…you have a fever, I guess," the boy answers. Fever…I have never had a fever. I read something about it in a medical textbook once. Why on earth was Ikari walking along the same road as I was? Major Katsuragi lives on the other side of the town. Why was Ikari walking along my road? What does it mean? I keep gazing at Ikari but I do think that Ikari is wrong. Has the fever only been something invented by the rain and why would it do that? Why has the rain not taken me with it?
"Then the rain has not absorbed me," I say sighing. My sigh was both a sigh of relief and regret. If I were rain as well I wouldn't mind finding out about myself but also I would mind not being able to tell Shinji what I think. Ikari looks at me. He is smiling and all at once he says, in a weird, self-confident tone:
"How could you be absorbed by rain, since you are completely unlike it?" At his words, I give him a surprised look. Slowly I sit down on the bed, where I was lying. I'm not ill, apart from the burning in my head. But now, the most important thing for me to know is what Ikari has to say to me.
"Why hasn't the rain absorbed me then? "I ask curious, searching for an answer.
"Because you are very unlike it."
"In what way?" I answer back quickly, with a tiredly.
"Try to peer into your heart...I'm sure that you already know the answer..." The boy answers, looking at me with sweet and understanding eyes. I reflect on Ikari's words. I close my eyes and meditate. Then, inexorably, a quick thought crosses my mind, and becomes a conviction soon. I have the answer. I've answered the question that I have been dwelling on all this long time. I open my eyes and look at Ikari's face again. Ikari's so beautiful. I'm smiling.
"I understand." I answer, drawing my face near to Ikari. So near that I'd have never dared do it before. I don't know why I'm doing this. It comes spontaneously to me. I approach closer, keeping my eyes closed. Ikari smiles and nods. He draws near too, and for the first time, I don't know the meaning of what I'm about to do. Simply put, I let myself get carried away by the instinct. And so I do something whose existence I have never known till now.
I kiss him. Ikari and I kiss each other. A long kiss, which lasts a handful of seconds. A wonderful feeling. At the end of it, Ikari and I pull back from each other simultaneously, breathlessly. Shinji looks into my eyes while I look into his, keeping my arms around his neck.
"Then do you understand why you are unlike the rain?" the boy asks, looking at me. I nod.
"Yes, I have…the rain has got nothing else, besides the fields…instead I...I have got you!" I say these words, with tears forming in my eyes. I had found a new feeling. A new feeling which overpowers the feelings of hate, loneliness, sadness and indifference that I have known. This is a new one. This was a new feeling for me and for Ikari too. I don't know what its name is. I only know it's so wonderful. I wonder how such a beautiful feeling could exist in such a strange world. It's almost a celestial feeling.
"What is the name of this feeling, Ikari?" I ask curiously. Ikari looks at me while smiling. His brown, shy, innocent eyes shine with happiness and you can catch a glimpse of some tears holding back in them. Then, with a veil of shyness he answers simply:
"Its name is lo...love, Rei, I think…"
Rei...Ikari is calling me by my name, for the very first time. Love. How many times I have listened at people saying this word without me knowing the meaning of it. Maybe this feeling made Shinji aware of the truth about the rain?
"Rain…how could you know it, Shinji?" Shinji, who has been sitting down on my bed from the moment of the kiss, stands up again, and approaches the window where a few drops of water fall down from the gutter of Misato's apartment.
"You see…I have thought about the rain too. Awhile ago...I considered myself identical to the rain. But it made me understand that I'm different from it...because I love you, Rei." the boy answers me, turning from the window to look at me again with a smile. I listen at him attentively then I smile at him and tell him the biggest secret that I have hidden deep in my heart.
"I love you too, Shinji..." I 'm feeling very happy, while I say these words to Ikari. I have never said them before.
"We are not rain, we are ourselves, and no one else," Ikari says to me approaching me again. I nod. Shinji approaches and hugs me and I return the hug lovingly. And while I'm doing this, I'm whispering to myself: "Thank you rain. Thanks to you, we have found out the true meaning of the word: love."
The End