So I've been meaning to do a Final Fantasy fic for a while now, and seeing as this idea has been on my mind recently I really wanted to write it. This is a comedic fic about FF: XIII-2 based on the trailer, general rumors and my own personal opinions. Hope you enjoy it~! ^_^
I would just like to say in advance that I LOVE Final Fantasy and Square Enix, so don't call me a hater for all my cynical comments and such. This was written for laughs, not to offend.
x~x~x~x~x
This Is Final Fantasy: XIII-2
It was a sunny day, but it may as well have been raining as far as a certain group of people were concerned. For you see, they were all depressed due to certain events that had unfolded recently.
"VANILLE!" Screamed a small boy as he fell to his knees, tears overflowing in his blue eyes.
"How long has he been like that?" Asked a girl with long pink hair.
"About a month now," replied a very muscular man. "'Vanille' seems to be the only word that Hope is capable of saying at the moment." A look of sadness crossed the man's face. "Fang and Vanille..." he whispered.
"Not you to Snow!" The girl tried to snap her fiancee out of it, to no avail.
"Fang and Vanille were the real Heroes, it isn't fair! They saved us all but gave their lives for us Serah..."
"It'll be okay Snow," reassured Serah, "After all, I woke up from crystal stasis. Fang and Vanille will fight for their lives and-"
"Fight... Fang and Vanille were so good at fighting... just so good at fighting..."
Snow was extremely close to joining Hope in manic depressive mode until a small boy suddenly ran into the room where they all were.
"Everybody come quick!" Shouted the small boy, paying no heed to Hope who was now rocking back and forth in the corner of the room, muttering "Vanille" over and over. "It's my daddy, he's about to shoot himself in the head because he thinks it will bring Fang and Vanille back!"
O_O [The look on everyone's face]
"Again? He's already tried doing that!" Exclaimed Snow.
"You don't need to tell me twice!" Retorted Dajh.
And with that, Snow and Dajh ran to go look for Sazh who was in suicidal mode once again, while Serah stayed behind to keep an eye on Hope.
x~x~x~x~x
"Hi, my name is Lightning. I am talking to no one in particular, but I seem to be a fan of talking to myself and so I am." A woman bordering on what could only be called insanity was currently walking around a huge castle of unknown origin. "I look like a total bad-ass in this armor I am wearing now."
Lightning continued walking through the castle, stopping suddenly. She quickly drew her sword. "Hello purple haired strange man, you have magically appeared behind me. I will now attack you for no reason."
"And I shall also do the same," replied the mysterious man who still doesn't have a name as far as I know.
The two of them swing their swords rather dramatically, before realising that there really was no point to the dramaticness and put their swords away.
"Hey, I don't have a name or a notable personality yet, so the author can portray me however she likes. My name is Bob and I like long walks on the beach," said the mysterious man.
"I'm Lightning. I am someone who never asks for help no matter how many damn times people offer to help me! Honestly the whole of Final Fantasy XIII would have been so much easier if I wasn't so intent on-" Lightning cleared her throat and thought 'to hell with it.'
"Hey, the name's Claire Farron. Yeah, not as cool as Lightning, no idea what Square Enix was thinking giving me a name like 'Claire' but hey, beggars can't be choosers. This whole game came about because I am just so awesome that the fans desperately wanted a game about me. So Square Enix, being the lovely company that they are, decided to make a sequel to the game and... star my sister in the main freaking role! So here I am, supposedly dead according to Lebreau, probably doomed to have little screen time despite the fact that this is actually my game!"
Bob just stood and watched Lightning as she continued her rant.
"I mean, this game is about me! They should have called it: Final Fantasy- Lightning's Return! Or, Final Fantasy- Dawn Of The Lightning! Or, Final Fantasy- Crouching Tiger Hidden Lightning! Did Square Enix seriously not understand what the fans wanted? No one wants a game about Serah!"
Bob just stood in silence, wondering why he was here in the first place, and exactly where 'here' was. Why on earth were they in a medieval castle that would very much belong in a traditional Final Fantasy game world and not the futuristic one that was created for thirteen?
x~x~x~x~x
"Hope! Put the knife down!" Serah was frantically trying to grab a knife from the small boy who seemed intent on joining Sazh in wanting to kill himself. Once she had successfully retrieved it, she put Hope in a straight jacket and went off in search of Snow. Before she left though, a thought struck her.
"Hmm... I'd better not go out in my normal clothes in case I run into any monsters. I should see if I have something more suitable for a fight, maybe some armor or something." She went to her wardrobe. "Aha! A skimpy pink dress that I'm clearly going to be wearing for fan service! This should keep me protected against any monsters." Once dressed in the absolute worst clothes for protection imaginable, Serah left Hope in the straight jacket and went to look for Snow.
x~x~x~x~x
~Lightning's Rant: 15 Minutes In~
"-Or how about: Lightning Farron: Ace Attorney! I mean... Ace Swordwosman! Or Call Of Duty: Lightning Edition. I mean come on, Serah? She was pathetic in the first game! All she did was cry and assemble the tools for Cocoon's destruction. I did so much more!"
"There, there," comforted Bob. "It'll all be okay."
Lightning pulled away, her eyes wide. "They should have called it: Lightning- The Story Of A Legend!"
Bob face palmed.
x~x~x~x~x
"The army -and monsters- are no match for NORA!"
A group of people called this in unison, as they released hell in the form of thousands of bullets upon many monsters that were threatening them.
"Wakka! Quick, to your right!"
"Wakka?" Questioned a man with fiery hair.
"Oh sorry, you look exactly like Wakka from Final Fantasy X Gadot... I totally confused you two."
"It's okay Maqui, I understand," sighed Gadot. "How's Yuuj?"
The blonde haired guy with goggles atop his head started jumping up and down like a little child. "Why does everyone say there is something going on between me and Yuuj? We were only in the first game for about two minutes! How on earth did the fan girls find anything to suggest that we are a couple?"
"Probably because we are totally sexy and fan girls always pair the hot guys together," came Yuuj's smooth voice. "Besides, you should just be thankful that it looks like we'll be in this game more. I mean, I am just too epic to be a side character," Yuuj flicked his fringe out of his eyes and grinned, his blue hair shimmering in the setting sunlight.
"That just means there are gonna be loads of fanfics about us," complained the smaller blonde, to which Wakka- sorry, Gadot- laughed and Yuuj just shrugged.
x~x~x~x~x
~Lightning's Rant: An Hour In~
"They could have gone with: Lightning- Uncovered! Or perhaps: The Many Aspects Of Lightning! I mean, really. Serah? Have I mentioned how this game was meant to be about me? I have? Well I shall say it again: THIS IS MY GAME! Why have Square Enix gone against what the fans want?"
Bob was past caring at this point, nodding halfheartedly as the pink haired woman carried on the never ending rant.
x~x~x~x~x
"Kupo!"
"Haha, that's a good one Moogle who I have just met but am traveling with for some reason."
Serah and the Moogle started making their way through a town... wait... a TOWN? Oh my God Square Enix actually put some towns in! And well played showing us what the maps looked like in the corner of the screen, no linear game play for us! ;)
"So I shall tell you my story Moogle: I originally set off to look for my fiancee, and in that space of time I appear to have developed considerable skill at wielding a sword and casting magic. Also, I have apparently been dreaming of some strange guy called Noel, but I don't find any of that weird at all. Well, that's my story, how about you?"
"Kupo!"
"I see..."
x~x~x~x~x
~Lightning's Rant: 1 Hour 23 Minutes In~
"And what is this I read on Wikipedia? 'Returning characters are likely to have character changes'? What on earth are they thinking? No one likes it when they change the characters! Have they really learned nothing from Final Fantasy X-2? I swear to God there are some strange things going on behind the scenes! I mean, I'M not even the centre of attention! Oh hey, have I even mentioned that this is my game?"
"About 674 times now... but who's counting?" Replied and exasperated Bob.
x~x~x~x~x
"Oh look Moogle, we have somehow ended up on a beach! And look at that map in the top corner, how UN-linear is this? I think, we can call this a result."
"Kupo!"
All of a sudden, monsters surrounded Serah and the Moogle.
"Oh no! I didn't think this through at all, here I am in a stupid dress and I didn't even bring a weapon! Guess I have no choice but to play the typical damsel-in-distress and trip over nothing in particular, hoping to get rescued."
True to her word, Serah tripped over absolutely nothing, and the monsters started closing in around her.
Then, a sword flew through the air and pierced one of the monsters right through the heart, killing it instantly.
A guy of indeterminable age then fell from the sky and landed in front of Serah.
"I AM MALE FANG AND I SHALL DESTROY YOU!" He screamed as he swung some swords at the monsters.
"A duel sword wielder?" Asked Serah. "It's about time we had one of those!"
Once the monsters had been fought off, the guy extended a hand to Serah.
"I've been dreaming about you," said Serah.
"I don't find that strange at all, despite the fact I've never seen you before in my life."
"I'm Serah, I have a fiancee but for the sake of this game it appears that Square Enix don't care about that and have started to suggest something between us."
"I'm male Fang... I mean Noel. I quite agree with what you just said, let's travel together just to piss off all those Snow fans."
"Yeah sure!"
x~x~x~x~x
~Lightning's Rant: 2 Hours In~
"And did anyone notice how I've apparently forgotten how to say 'Odin'? I mean, in the first game I said Odin pronounced like 'Oh-Din', but apparently now I say the "o" like in fodder... It's like, why am I suddenly saying the name of my Eidolen in a retarded way? This is my game after all."
"Please just shut up!" Pleaded Bob.
x~x~x~x~x
Serah, Moogle and Noel are busy walking down the beach when they got attacked by some more monsters. Despite Noel giving her a sword, Serah insisted on falling over once again, and she screamed, "Lightning! Help me!"
"That sounds like Serah," said Lebreau upon hearing the terrified scream.
"Yeah, there she is!" Pointed Gadot.
"Well spotted Wakka."
"I AM NOT WAKKA!"
"Yeah yeah... looks like we should help her, and probably tell her that Lightning is dead for no apparent reason whatsoever." Lebreau looked around. "Where are Maqui and Yuuj?"
"Probably making out somewhere," commented Gadot, which earned him a hard hit on the head from Maqui who seemed to appear out of nowhere.
"I had to unblock Yuuj's gun!" He protested. "That's why we were held up, I had to make sure it would fire properly!"
"I'm sure his 'gun' fired just fine if it was you taking care of it," Gadot laughed loudly.
Yuuj sighed, "Maqui, be careful what you say around Gadot. He has a habit of turning everything into an innuendo." The blue haired boy looked up, "Hey, isn't that Serah with some strange good looking guy?"
"Yup." Lebreau said simply.
"Well... aren't we the slightest bit concerned? I mean, what about Snow? Does he know?"
"Oh didn't you hear? Square Enix clearly doesn't care about that for whatever reason, so let's not say anything for now."
"Okay then..."
x~x~x~x~x
~Lightning's Rant: 2 Hours 47 Minutes In~
"Okay, I guess I can see why they wanted to include Serah a bit more, but that doesn't mean they should have shifted the whole focus of the game over to her! I mean-"
"PLEASE BE QUIET! I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE!"
Suddenly Lightning was silent, signalling for Bob to do the same. There was a serious look on her face.
"Do you hear that?" She asked.
Bob listened carefully but he didn't hear anything. He shook his head in response to his companion's question.
"It's the sound of angry fans demanding that the game should be about me as it was intended to be that way!"
Bob collapsed upon hearing this.
x~x~x~x~x
"Lalala~! Walking through a random graveyard by myself sure is fun~!" Sang Serah as she skipped along. Suddenly, someone caught her eye. She rushed over quickly, very worried.
"Hope! I thought I left you at the house in a straight jacket, what are you doing here?"
A person turned around to look at her, and Serah realised her mistake. "Oh, I'm so sorry. I thought you were someone else..."
"It's alright, my name is female Hope after all," smiled the girl.
"Did Square Enix really struggle that much to come up with original character's for this game?" Serah asked out loud.
"Yes," replied female Hope. "Anyway, I think that meeting you here in this graveyard was fate. Let us travel together."
"Sure!" Serah agreed happily. "Come with me and you can meet Noel and the Moogle called Mog (again, very original). I'm sure you'll get along with them."
"Sounds good, but I think you should know to call me Alyssa."
"Why?"
"Because Square Enix thought that fans would easily figure out I was based on Hope by simply calling me Female Hope, so they gave me the name Alyssa. This way, the fans will be none the wiser and think I'm a completely new creation."
"I see, how clever of them!"
Thus, the adventure of Serah, Mog, Female Hope (Alyssa) and Male Fang (Noel) began... and hopefully the NORA co. as well :D And would it really kill them to bring back some of the characters from the first game (Lightning excluded).
x~x~x~x~x
~Lightning's Rant: 3 Hours 52 Minutes In~
"Trust me, I know what the fans want. They want more of me. I mean, who wouldn't? After all-"
"This is getting tedious. You have absolutely no idea what the fans want, if you did then you'd realise that they couldn't care about this game half as much as they care about my game!"
Lightning and Bob looked up to see who had suddenly interrupted the epic rant.
"And you are?" Asked Bob as he looked at the incredibly sexy guy stood in front of him.
"The name is Noctis Lucis Caelum." As he said this, Noctis flicked his black hair away from his face in an utterly cool way. He smirked.
"I've never heard of you," stated Lightning, dismissing the guy as someone irrelevant and unimportant.
"I'm from the heavily anticipated Final Fantasy XIII Versus, and I think you will find that Versus is the game that the fans really want. So just stop your complaining already!"
Bob looked at Lightning. "The guy has a point, his game looks totally bad-ass. I'll definitely be buying it."
"Pfft! A game without me in it clearly isn't worth playing."
"Of course it is. After all, I'm in it," said Noctis in a hypnotic voice and he winked.
Thus an argument to end all arguments broke out between Lightning and Noctis, with Bob deciding he had better things to do than to listen to the sheer nonsense that was being said and so stalked off to another part of the strange castle.
x~x~x~x~x
And that's the end. That is FF: XIII-2 in a nutshell, and I think it's pretty damn accurate XD Well, as I said before, this was written for laughs, so please don't start flaming and saying: You bitch! FF is amazing, you just don't understand blah blah blah... because I love FF and I have already pre-ordered this game. Well, please read and review and lemme know what you think~~! ^_^