***I DON'T CARE IF YOU LIKE THIS I WROTE IT FOR SCHOOL ANYWAY. PLEASE FAVORITE AND REVIEW AND CHECK BACK FOR UPDATES XOXO***
Comedy at the Bang! Bang! (Part 1 of ?)
My name is Scott Aukerman, and I am 43 years old. (I will be 44 in July so I'm basically an adult.) I don't think I am that pretty, but all of my many friends are always complimenting my looks. I think they are just being nice. I have lightish brown, sort of curly hair and glowing blue-green eyes that look blue in some lights and green in some lights. A lot of time it depends on what I'm wearing. Ugh. My eyes are so weird I think I look like a freak. But boys always tell me how beautiful they are.
This morning, I got up and put on my favorite gray cardigan. I wear it nearly every day because I'm not like those other men who obsess over silly things like clothes and makeup and shopping. Sometimes I wish I were prettier like them, but oh well.
My best friend is Reggie. Reggie is so funny and gorgeous and smart. Everyone loves him. I wish I were more like Reggie. Reggie says I'm way funnier and prettier than he is, but I know he's lying to make me feel better. That's why I love him so much.
Reggie and I have a TV show together called Comedy Bang! Bang! I don't think it's even that good, but people are always telling me how much they love it. I have celebrity guests come on my show, and I talk to them. Reggie plays music (ugh he's so talented why can't I be like him) and helps me interview the guests.
Today, we are taping a show with Jon Hamm. Jon is like cutest boy in school. I don't think he even knows my name. Reggie keeps saying I should ask him out while he's here, but oh my god I'm like a nobody and Jon is like sooooo cuuuuute. I could never. Jon would probably go steady with someone like Reggie in a heartbeat, but he would never go for boring little ol' me.
Jon walks into the studio. He is so. hot. He's got this dark hair and these sexy, smoldering eyes. I go completely numb just looking at him.
"Thanks for having me here, Scott," he says. "I'm really excited about this. I think it's gonna be really great. I'm a big fan of the podcast." OH MY GOD HE KNOWS MY NAME. HE LISTENS TO MY PODCAST. (Oh yeah, the show is based on this podcast I do, I forgot to mention it earlier.)
Say something, Scott, you spastic nutcase! I think to myself. I just can't get the words out. Jon shakes my hand. Oh. My. God. His hand is so beautiful. Maybe it's just me, but for me, Jon Hamm is perfect in every single way.
"Listen, Scott," Jon leans in and almost whispers. "After we tape the show, I was thinking we could go out for drinks or something." Oh my geez. Did Jon freaking Hamm just ask me out?
I turn bright red and manage to stutter out a "Yeah, sure" and run to the closest bathroom to collect myself. OMG OMG this is real life. This is happening.
We tape the show, and I am such a nervous wreck. I'm totally sure Jon and everyone can tell what a loser I am. The crew keeps telling me that I was perfect and that everything was totally funny, but I'm afraid Jon isn't going to want to go out for drinks anymore.
Afterwards, Reggie takes me aside.
"Hey, Scott, I heard that you and Jon are going out for drinks tonight, eh?" Reggie gives me a devilish grin. Gosh darn him! Can't he see I'm freaking out?
"Gosh darn you, Reggie! Can't you see I'm freaking out?"
"Relax, Scott. You're so amazing. Just be yourself and there is no way he can resist you." Reggie is just the best friend anyone could have. He loans me some lip gloss (cherry flavored, it's my favorite) and gives me a hug. What a great friend. I go outside to meet up with Jon.
"Hey, Scott. Did you want to invite your wife to come out with us?"
Oh crap. "My what?" I stammer.
"Your wife, Scott. Mavis Aukerman."
MY WIFE?! I totally forgot about her. Oh no! She's really great and everything and she totally loves me so much which is awesome, but she's no Jon Hamm, you know? I'm just a sucker for a sexy bad boy, I guess. So sue me.
"Oh, yeah. She can't come. She's, uh… She's sick. She has typhoid."
"Oh my god. Scott, that's awful. I'm so sorry. Listen if you want to just go home and be with her, I totally understand." Gosh what a sensitive, empathetic, kind-hearted, understanding, caring man.
"Don't worry. It's fine. She has the not-that-bad kind of typhoid. She'll be okay." So I lied. So sue me again. What the freak else am I supposed to do?
Jon and I walk to Sullivan's Bar down the street. He walks so close to me, our hands are almost touching. My heart is absolutely racing. I can almost feel the heat of his body radiating toward my left arm. I wonder if he's feeling the same electricity that I am.
We sit at the bar. Jon orders an old fashioned. "What do you want, Scott? It's on me, tonight. You don't have to worry about anything." He touches my arm. Oh god. He touches my arm! "I'm just so sorry about Mavis. Whatever I can do to help you." Guys as hot as Jon can totally get away with being mean old jerks, but Jon isn't like those other guys. He's different. He's sweet. I can't help but feel that this guy is something special.
"Surprise me," I say to him with coyest smile I can muster. I look up at him through my lashes and twirl the little curl of my hair by my temple with my finger. Jon orders me a cosmo. My favorite! It's like he knows me better than I know myself.
My phone starts to ring. Oh double crap! It's Mavis! I ignore it and hastily shove my phone back into my cardigan pocket.
"Do you need to take that?" Jon asks me, all concerned and caring.
"No, it's just Reggie. I can always talk to him tomorrow."
Jon and I get to talking. He's just so interesting. I gaze into his eyes as he tells me all about his daily skincare regimen. He takes such good care of himself. It's refreshing to see that in a man.
"Go ahead, Scott. Touch my face. Feel how moisturized my skin is." I reach out and gently brush my fingers against his face. His skin is so smooth, but his stubble is so rough. It's amazing. I flush scarlet. Oh my god this guy is so freaking perfect.
Just then my phone goes off again, totally ruining our moment. Reggie has sent me a text. "Scott. Urgent. Call now." I sigh and groan and wish I were dead. Gosh darn it, Reggie! He knows what this means to me! Reggie's the best friend in the world, but he can be such a pain sometimes!
"Could you excuse me a moment, Jon. I need to make a call. It'll just be a second, I swear. Please don't go anywhere!"
"Of course. Is it Mavis? Tell her I'm thinking of her and wishing her a speedy recovery."
I run to the bathroom and call Reggie. "This had better be real freaking important, Reggie!" I shout, bitterly.
"Scott. I don't know how to tell you this. It's Mavis. She's… she's dead, Scott."
WHAT?