How to Annoy Heroes and Influence Villains

I got the idea to write this from storiewriters "To annoy the Villains". Sigh* I can only hope to attain the proficiency she has for annoying Redwall villains… Thanks to her cause she gave me permission to write this. (it was on a different account but doesen't really make a difference)

BTW did anyone get the reference in the title of the story? It's pretty obscure…If you did, review and tell me, and you'll get a free box of popcorn shrimp! (seems like a lot of authors are giving those out these days…)

Disclaimer: I don't own Redwall. I don't even own a red brick wall. My house is made of wood.

WARNING: TO ALL OF YOU VILLAINS OUT THERE *COUGHTSARMINACOUGH* DO NOT TRY ANY OF THE STUNTS MENTIONED BELOW ON ANY OF THE HEROES BELOW. IF YOU ARE FOOLHARDY ENOUGH TO TRY THEM, YOU ARE LIABLE TO BE ATTACKED BY A HORDE OF REDWALLERS CARRYING PEPPER BOMBS, WINDOW POLES, AND FRYING PANS!

We will start with everyone's favorite hero, Martin the Warrior!

1. Steal his sword.

2. Dangle his sword just out of reach and as he jumps to reach it, hold it up even higher and tell him he is a "cute little mousie". Avoid his patented shin-kick move though.

5. Melt his sword, and pour it into the ocean,

6. Defeat him in combat!! (as long as I'm dreaming here, I'd like a time machine.)

7. Prevent him from giving advice, riddles, in dreams to the Abbey Champion, block his visions, and tell him Redwall is falling to an army of Badrangs and Tsarminas.

8. Really take over his abbey with an army of Badrangs and Tsarminas!

9. Keep him locked in a cage with a bunch of pygmy shrew babes.

10. Make him jealous by owning a sword made out of a blue giant star.(instead of his unspecified sword)

11. Make a voodoo doll of him, and tickle it whenever he tries to speak.

12. Make a voodoo doll of him and have it fight Cluny the Scourge.

12. Tear his tapestry to shreds before his eyes. Then, while he is crying in anguish about the lost tapestry, pull another one out of your back pocket and yell "fooled ya!" Just when he has realized that you tore a fake tapestry into shreds and starts laughing, tear that tapestry up too. Keep up the cycle until you get bored of watching "The Mood Swings of Martin the Warrior."

13. Tie him up, and make him listen to the Barney theme song for 16 hours.

14. Tie him to a pole in a rainstorm.

15. Nevermind, forget Barney. Make him listen to G.N.O by Miley Cyrus. (Brrrr…..the song is hideous. Her other stuffs not bad though.)

16. Snap his indestructible sword. To add insult to injury, do it with a with a rusty corsair cutlass.

17. Tie him to a chair and gag him on Redwalls Next Top Model".

Okay people, that's it! Please Review. And if you have any ideas for other heroes to torment, plz tell me in a review or pm! Also tell me which one you liked best!

Sweet and Sour chicken to first reviewer!

If you are a vegetarian, sweet and sour tofu! Or a bean burrito. Thosse are real good too.

READ AND REVIEW!!!!!!!