Dread. Nothing but pure dread encompassed the usually in-control Hokage as she stared dejectedly at the two ninja before her. Tsunade grew to expect Naruto's frequent interruptions in her heavy drinking schedule, but Shikamaru? This had to be a situation of national crisis. What could Naruto possibly have done that would warrant Shikamaru to show up? She was lucky if she could even get the lazy ninja to turn up in her office for mission reports.
But there they were. Shikamaru glared down at her expectantly, and Naruto tucked his hands behind his head with a smug smile. Uh oh.
It was with a heavy sigh and a slightly muttered curse that Shikamaru finally began to speak. "My alleged comrade has stolen from me," he muttered, throwing a venomous glare at Naruto.
"I didn't steal nuffin," Naruto replied, his cheeky grin giving doubt to this assertion.
"You stole from me. On a mission," Shikamaru ground out through clenched teeth, turning to Naruto.
Tsunade blanched. Petty theft was certainly not beneath Naruto, and she had no doubt that he was responsible for whatever Shikamaru claimed. Her primary concern was how she was going to reimburse Shikamaru. Whatever Naruto had stolen had obviously been of great value to the lazy ninja, considering his efforts in dragging Naruto to the Hokage's office. She just hoped it wasn't too expensive, nothing silver or gold—
"It was a gold kunai," Shikamaru answered.
Tsunade whitened further.
"A gift from our mission benefactor," Shikamaru continued. "It was given to me after—"
"IT WAS OBVIOUSLY SUPPOSED TO BE FOR ME!" the loudmouth argued. "FOR THE GREATEST NINJA. I'M THE GREATEST NINJA."
Naruto pulled the stolen artifact from his kunai holster, throwing it carelessly on Tsunade's desk. The kunai appeared to be made out of gold, however when Tsunade lifted it, she discovered it to be light but strong. The weapon was clearly only gold-plated, and would function like any other kunai. Tsunade had to admit, the craftsmanship really was extraordinary. The blade was carved with intricate swirls and spirals. The colour was nothing short of brilliant and the blade sparkled in the light. The kunai would make an excellent weapon in battle, despite its seemingly delicate nature. The underlying metal was hard, yet light, and would lead to exemplary precision. She turned the blade over in her hand and read the engraving that had caused them so much trouble.
For the greatest ninja
Tsunade slipped the weapon under her desk when Naruto made a lunge at it. "BAA-CHAN!" he exclaimed, and she held up her hand to silence him.
"Shikamaru," she asked sternly. "Why is this so important to you? It's a beautiful weapon, but why not just let Naruto have it?"
The tips of Shikamaru's ears reddened, and he turned his chin away from her prying gaze. He shifted his stance from foot to foot and dodged the question. "Is it important? It's my kunai, and this idiot stole it."
"SEE? He won't even tell me why he wants it! OBVIOUSLY HE DOESN—"
Everyone's favorite ninja was promptly interrupted by the door slamming open. The intruder entered and stormed up to the Hokage's desk. Said Hokage immediately slumped over, resting her head on the desk. Of all the people to interrupt an argument about a weapon…
TenTen addressed Shikamaru irately. "Why would you give that kunai to Naruto? If you were just giving it away, why not me? You knew how much I wanted it! Why—"
"I didn't give it to Naruto! I don't want to give it away! He took it from me like an idiot."
"Well obviously you can't handle the responsibility of owning such a high-caliber weapon. I recommend that—"
"I DIDN'T TAKE ANYTHING! IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FOR ME! IT'S MY KUNAI!"
"Can't you just share the kunai?" Tsunade offered weakly. All three ninja stared at her as if she had grown two heads. A moment passed and the bickering began again.
Naruto senselessly summoned clones in order to amplify his argument. TenTen pulled out her impressive collection of weapons to assert her dominance as a weapons master. Shikamaru sighed and stared at the ceiling. And thus an all-out battle, complete with deadly jutsu, began in the cramped space of the Hokage's office.
Tsunade dodged a flying shadow clone and attempted to calmly asses the situation. There was no clear solution. Although the kunai most obviously belonged to Shikamaru, technically he had been on a joint mission with Naruto when he acquired it. Both he and Naruto shared ownership of the weapon. But was it really fair to give such a valuable kunai to either ninja when TenTen was the logical recipient? The boys barely even used kunai in battle, but TenTen thrived on the acquisition of new weapons. Tsunade clearly couldn't make this decision by herself.
"Hey!" she shouted at the ninja locked in combat. She was drowned out by the combined sounds of metal against metal and the ridiculous battle cries of Naruto. Tsunade stood on top of her desk and brought her foot down on Naruto's head, shouting.
"LISTEN UP, YOU BRATS!"
A cease-fire was immediately called, and the ninja all stood in fearful silence. All but Naruto.
"WHAT THE HELL, BAA-CHAN THAT HURT!"
Ignoring him, and grateful for the attention of the other two ninja, Tsunade forged onward(!).
"I can't make this decision on my own. All three of you have equal claim to the weapon. So I'm going to have an impartial judge make the decision for me," the Hokage announced.
"Who's the judge?" TenTen inquired.
"Uchiha Sasuke."
Tsunade was met with three blank stares. Uchiha Sasuke was less than a fair judge of character. He had just recently returned to Konoha, and was still on probation. Tsunade made the judging decision on a bit of a whim, but upon recollection realized it was a good choice. The Uchiha brat could certainly use some extra punishment for his transgressions. Dealing with petty squabbles between Shikamaru, TenTen, and Naruto of all people could be good for him, not to mention it would definitely get the three ninja out of her office.
After a moment of contemplation, Shikamaru scowled. TenTen shrugged amicably. Naruto grinned like a Cheshire cat.
"What are you smiling about?" Shikamaru shot at Naruto.
"Sasuke's my best friend. Of course he'll give it to me," Naruto replied smugly.
"Sasuke is smarter than that. He'll give it to the obvious choice. Me," TenTen retorted, crossing her arms.
Shikamaru stared up at Tsunade, immediately realizing her intention to get the lot of them out of her hair. He sighed noncommittally. The Uchiha was as good a judge as anyone.
"If you're so confident, let's go see Sasuke right now," Shikamaru said. He addressed Tsunade, "I'll hold the kunai for now. We'll give it to Sasuke while he makes his decision."
Tsunade wordlessly passed the coveted weapon to Shikamaru, trusting the ninja not to run off with it. Immediately Naruto attacked the lazy ninja, trying to seize the kunai from his grasp. TenTen muttered something under her breath and shoved the pair out the door, arguing and clawing at each-other. They couldn't make it to Sasuke soon enough.
And it was with a hopeful heart and a sigh of relief that Tsunade finally got the team of misfits out of her office.
Uchiha Sasuke was having an incredibly good day, by his standards. He had no untimely run-ins with screaming fangirls, the ANBU watching him was particularly quiet, and he hadn't seen Naruto all day. As the aforementioned blonde crashed into the otherwise peaceful clearing, Sasuke could almost feel his luck turning around.
"TEME!" Naruto cried, extending his fist towards Sasuke. Did the idiot really think they were going to fist-bump? If so, he was sorely mistaken.
"Remember how I saved your sorry ass from your own inner demons? And stopped you from killing all our friends? And helped you avenge your TRAGIC FAMILY PAST AND YOU WERE SO EMOTIONAL ABOUT IT THAT YOU CRIED LITERAL TEARS OF BLOOD?"
"Tch. Dobe."
"YOU OWE ME, TEME!"
"…"
Naruto lowered his fist dejectedly. "Come on, please? I just need one favor from you!"
"No."
"YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS YET!" Naruto wailed.
"Hn."
TenTen and Shikamaru chose that particular moment to catch up to the pair, huffing and panting.
"Naruto!" TenTen shrieked "You can't ditch us to butter up Sasuke!"
Sasuke scowled. Who was being buttered up?
"Naruto wants something that does not belong to him," Shikamaru informed Sasuke, tossing the gold kunai his way. "Tsunade has given you the assignment of choosing which of us deserves this the most."
Sasuke slid the blade over his hands experimentally, spinning it around his finger and gripping the handle.
"Sasuke," TenTen began, "it's a beautiful weapon. I'm the logical choice here."
TenTen was right. But now Sasuke, shame to admit it, was curious. Neither Shikamaru nor Naruto had any interest in kunai. Sasuke was sure he had never seen the Nara use one in his life. He tilted his head towards Shikamaru.
"Explain," Sasuke demanded.
Shikamaru crossed his arms defensively and sighed. "Ino likes it, okay? I was going to give it to her." Sasuke watched in mild amusement as the tips of Shikamaru's ears burned red.
TenTen smiled softly at Shikamaru, sending him an approving nod. Naruto guffawed and made multiple whip-cracking noises. Shikamaru's red ears turned into a full-on blush.
"HA, YOU ARE SO WHIPPED! But teme, seriously, I'm your best friend. BEST FRIEND. We went through a saga together," Naruto emphasized gravely.
"Hn," the stoic Uchiha replied, turning his head away from the group. Maybe if he just ignored them…
"TEME YOU ARE SO NOT GETTING OUT OF THIS ONE! BAA-CHAN SAID YOU HAVE TO PICK!"
So much for that.
Naruto, determined as ever, pulled out all the stops. With a few quick hand seals, he transformed into the ever-popular, busty, naked blonde. Shikamaru closed his eyes and groaned in irritation. TenTen shrieked "WHAT, YOU THINK TRYING TO SEDUCE SASUKE IS A GOOD IDEA?!"
Sasuke slapped his palm over his eyes modestly. He wasn't gay, it was just Naruto for goodness sake. He held the gold kunai in front of him, as if to defend himself from the idiocy surrounding him.
After a good slap from TenTen, Naruto resumed his normal form, rubbing a large red lump on his head.
Sasuke uncovered his eyes after a few moments, only to discover that the idiots still had not left him alone.
Desperation brought TenTen to the level of bargaining. She looked at Sasuke pleadingly, and whimpered out, "Sasuke. If you give me the kunai, you can have any of my other weapons."
Sasuke remained aloof and uninterested. He had all the weapons he wanted already, and if he ever desired more, he could simply purchase them. Money was no object to the sole heir of a wealthy clan.
"Sasuke, I'll come along with you on a mission, free of charge. You know you could use my tactical skills. And when I'm promoted to ANBU status, I'll put in a good word for you," Shikamaru added, following suit.
The Uchiha heir knew Shikamaru would be promoted soon. He was easily the fastest ranking of any of the rookie 12, and his opinion was highly valued. But Sasuke was uninterested in a position bought by connections. He was too proud, too skilled, to accept Shikamaru's offer.
Naruto, seeing what the other two had offered, was forced to think fast. He had nothing to give. He came from nothing, and had nothing of value. Everything Sasuke had wanted previously, both revenge for his clan and redemption in his village, Naruto had already helped him with. The loudmouth had already given Sasuke his eternal friendship and shared his deepest bond. Sasuke had money, wealth, and power, so Naruto desperately tried to think of what he didn't have. What was Sasuke missing?
What was Sasuke missing?
What was Sasuke…
And then it came to him.
"Look, you miserable teme. If you pick me, I'll hook you up with any girl you want! I'll make it happen, I promise!" Naruto proclaimed enthusiastically.
"What?" Sasuke spat out, eyes narrowing.
"Any girl, teme! The hottest girl in the village! No, in the WORLD!"
All parties stared at Naruto as though he was completely insane.
"We all know you're too much of a bastard to get a lady on your own, you ugly teme!" Naruto continued. "I'm an AWESOME matchmaker, believe it! I have the hook ups to all the best chicks!"
Shikamaru almost smiled. That was it. It was between him and TenTen, because Sasuke was definitely going to murder Naruto.
Sasuke was torn between fantasies of ripping Naruto's head from his body and images of pink hair and colourful laughs...
He was abruptly snapped out of his reverie by the grating whine of Naruto's voice
"No way you can get a lady, teme! You need this help! THINK OF YOUR CLAN! THINK OF YOUR CHILDREN!"
Sasuke glared fiercely. He could so "get a lady", as Naruto put it. He just wasn't ready yet. When he decided he was, well then, it would happen. Any woman would be so lucky.
"You're just an emotionally constipated, stuck-up, ugly teme and you need this! We all need you to pull the stick out of your a—"
Sasuke threw the prized kunai straight at Naruto's head, fully intending to end his pathetic life right then and there. Naruto lithely dodged, catching the kunai in midair and landing back on solid ground. Only when the idiot held up the gold kunai with a triumphant grin did Sasuke realize the mistake he had unwittingly made.
"HA! I WIN! TAKE THAT, SHIKAMARU!" Naruto yelled in absolute glee. "I AM THE GREATEST NINJA!"
TenTen sighed dejectedly, accepting her loss with grace. She only hoped Naruto would follow through with his promise. Sasuke really did need a girl. She left with Shikamaru, leaving Naruto to his senseless gloating and Sasuke to his gloomy brooding.
Sasuke sighed in relief, thanking Kami it was over. As much as he would deny it, Naruto's callousness had bothered him. So what if he wasn't with a girl right now? He could have one if he wanted to. He was an Uchiha, damnit, and to imply Uchihas were anything less than smooth was heresy.
"Hey bastard," Naruto began, clearly finished with his childish gloating. "Don't worry. We'll get you a girl."
"I neither want nor need your help," Sasuke growled.
"WELL I PROMISED SO GET THE HELL OVER IT, TEME! We're gonna find you a lady."
"No."
"THIS IS HAPPENING, WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT!"
"Hn."
"I WILL GET YOU A GIRLFRIEND, IF IT IS THE LAST THING I DO!"
Author's Note: For the record, this one-shot is based off of the story of the Judgement of Paris in Greek mythology. Yeah, I don't know. I was reading in my Greek Mythology textbook about the fall of Troy, and simultaneously thinking about Quietus by AngeLhearteD. And then my brain was like "You know what, Sasuke would be a terrible Paris. He'd just throw the apple at Aphrodite." And thus this idea was born.
This is a one-shot, but I might do more one-shots based on Greek mythogy in the Narutoverse. Whatddya think?