Here's something I wrote a little while ago.

Maura's Internal Shadow: The happiness of another

When you love someone, you'd do anything to make sure that they are safe, cared for and well, that they have everything they need, that they are happy.

I would do anything for Jane Clementine Rizzoli.

There have been countless nights where I drop everything and attend to her; to her broken heart, her external afflictions cause by ruinous metals and the internal strife caused by the mal-intensions of sadistic individuals.

I have washed the dirt from her clothes and from her skin; I have fed her exquisite gourmet and stocked my fridge with her favorite beer. I have sacrificed some of my favorite shoes and outfits just for her. I learned how to make jokes and the rules of baseball. I learned to confide in her, to trust her, to lead her, and to follow her.

Somewhere between the early morning work and the late night chats, I found myself head over heels in love with her. Not just the puppy love, but madly, deeply, I don't know what to do without you love. The type of love where you would trample through the Amazon rainforest with nothing but a flyswatter to reach her, or scale a 15 story building just to meet her at top. It is the type of love where I would lay down my life for her, to protect her, the type of love where I would give anything to make her happy.

I love her so much that I smiled through it all; the late night she visited me and told me the news. I smiled whenever I heard it around the office. That smile remained as I helped pack up her apartment and as she told me about her future plans, about how I was more than welcomed in her home. I smiled as I accompanied her to her appointments and sat in torture, unable to tell her. I smiled when she show me her ring.

I smiled for her happiness.

That's how much I love her. She was happy, so I was happy.

Yet, I cried myself to sleep when she told me she had said yes. I cried in the basement of headquarters when I heard Susie gossip. I cried when the beer in my fridge never disappeared.

Happiness… that was what she was gaining from this, Jane was happy, ergo, I was happy.

Wasn't I?

I cried the last night she stayed, as she slept next to me. I cried as she rolled in her sleep and held me close.

But I was happy, because she was happy. That was, until she took me dress shopping.

I told her no, I couldn't. But she was persistent- no- I, too in love to protest, and I found myself among white silk and taffeta, lace and beaded bodices, that smile plastered on my face.

"Ok," came her voice from the dressing room. "No laughing."

"Promise."

The thick white curtain opened and she stepped into sight, the dress flowing beautifully from her body, her olive skin glowing. I felt like she should be worshipped, this Greek Goddess.

I smiled as I cried.

"Oh God, Maura." She comforted me, swishing in the tresses of fabric. Her warm hands reached out to me.

"You're so beautiful." I whispered as a tear escaped my eye.

Her strong arms enveloped me.

I wept.