The weight was staggering. It felt as if her chest could collapse at any moment, if it already hadn't. She wanted to run but her legs lay limp and unmotivated. She wanted to push herself up, but her arms felt like steel anchors. She wanted to scream, wanted to cry, wanted to do anything to make herself feel better about this situation. But words couldn't run their way to her lips, shouts couldn't crawl out her throat and fly through the air freely, tears couldn't cascade down her cheeks to pool at her feet and drown her in sorrow.
No…
That wasn't right, she wouldn't allow them. She couldn't allow them. Only a victim has the right to do indulge in those pleasures. The aggressor had no such option. They have no right to withdraw. They much stand firm in their belief or bow their head to their mistakes and work hard to rebuild smoldering bridges. Besides how would they help her? They couldn't rebuild anything, they couldn't make things right, they couldn't make her feel better. No, all she had for that was her blood, flesh, and sweat. That is all.
Her hands clawed at her chest, trying in vain to rip out the lead anchor attached to her heart. But no amount of scratching and prying could help. It could only cause new pain in order to block out the deeper pain. That was all it could do and she knew it. But it gave her an escape for the time. It gave her relief from that pain. Isn't that what she wanted?
Funny to this that a few letters mashed together and stuck with others of their kind can create such a powerful and lasting effect. Even if they were only said in the heat of the moment, even if they were meaningless, or lies, they are imprinted into the air and into minds. They now control and warp emotions around them shrouding themselves from view. They are the puppet masters now.
She had kept her eyes clenched shut, too afraid to open them and look at the reality. All she would see were backs gradually fading away into the distance. If only the memories would go with them. But those backs were now a new and binding memory, a branding iron on chilled flesh, footprints on the moon, scrawled in permanent marker. Nothing could erase them. Not a bullet, not a rope, not a bridge, nor any amount of any pill. They would live on, never growing older and weaker, never dying.
A word sprang to her tongue and sat there like a bitter pill, far too tough to swallow. Betrayal. She knew full well though that this was not the correct word. Jealousy, Ignorance, Selfishness, Pride all stepped forward, all angling for that spot, but not a one was the correct fit. Only one word had its place there, and until it settled in she was blind. It wasn't much longer until she could see, until the last crucil piece softly snapped itself into place. Insecurity.
How foolish could she be? Everything that had seemed to happen now changed. They were just normal occurrences, ones no longer twisted and molded into something ugly and bizarre. It was as if rain had fallen onto dry cracked earth and its blistering dirty inhabitants. It felt freeing and pre. It was a cleanse by acid. It tingled the skin, burning and ripping away everything that had no place to be under its cool touch. It tore through the ropes holding the lead in place, freeing her, giving her the ability to stand. T had given her that gentle nudge to get up.
As she slowly came to her feet, she saw what else the rain had showed her. That smooth path in front of her had eroded into a jagged, winding path that had more dead ends than through passes. It was covered in waist high mud and the daunting task bore down upon her soul. She didn't falter for a moment though and earnestly flung herself into the mud. You may ask why, but the answer is far simpler than one could imagine. While it was not straight, nor easy, nor fun, there was something to be gained. Because if you squinted your eyes just far enough you could see she was chasing something more valuable than all the riches in the world or in the mind. Something that was worth all the risks. Something so plain and unremarkable, but meant everything to her. Just a normal pair of backs, walking side by side.
She knew she had to keep moving, she knew that happiness was the end and she knew that struggles were going to try and keep her from getting there. It didn't matter, she needed those backs more than anything else. She could forgo food, forgo sleep, forgo water, if it all meant that she could catch up. And she knew that maybe she would only get one, or that she wouldn't reach them at all, it was still uncertain what the outcome would be. Only one thing was certain, she would continue to walk down this dirty road or die trying, because when though stupid things are said and done, at the end of the day…
Isn't that what friends are for?