The lights in the lab are dim when Leonardo approaches to call Donatello and Leatherhead to dinner. A bit too dim, he thinks, to be doing any lab work comfortably. His suspicions are confirmed after he peeks inside the open doorway and catches the large reptile pressing his long snout against his brother's jaw. It isn't until Donatello rubs his cheek against it that Leonardo draws back quickly, away from the sight that churns his insides with unwanted feelings.
Standing out of the light filtering through the doorway, Leonardo tries to clamp down on the ugly bitterness that swells inside him. This isn't the person he wants to be, why can't he just be happy for his brother? Why can't he get rid of these ugly feelings?
It has already been months since the shy couple assembled the whole family and then Donatello bravely took his friend's large, webbed hand in his. After a big, shaking breath he announced to them that they were together. His family congratulated them both after a moment of not so stunned silence. They didn't seem to be surprised at all.
It wasn't until Donatello walked up to him with a "Well? What do you think?" that Leonardo realised he'd been gaping at them and hadn't said anything the whole time.
Apparently, if Michelangelo could be believed, it was obvious the two had been in some kind of relationship for some time now. Leonardo must have been blind to miss all the cues, even Raph mentioned a couple instances where he'd been suspicious of the pair.
Embarrassed by his oversight, Leonardo never saw anything he thought could be more than just a friendly demonstration of affection. How many times had he been happily hanging out with them both, enjoying their company and spending time with them when he was actually intruding in what they'd hoped was an evening to themselves?
Now Leonardo can't escape their displays of affection, even when he tries his best not to look, not to intrude or be in their way. He can't help the way his insides twist at the sight of them together, touching with tenderness. He wishes he could eliminate these feelings but they don't go away no matter how hard he wills them to.
Leonardo walks back to the door slowly, letting his feet fall more heavily on the floor and sliding the large door open with a loud screech even though it was already wide enough for him to pass through. He finds his brother standing a couple paces away from Leatherhead and though he knows Donatello must have done that to conceal what they were doing, he can't help but feel relieved at the extra space between them.
He isn't proud of these feelings that seem to grow in bitterness and strength at the same rate Donatello's happiness increases. He just doesn't know what to do about them yet.
He's also relieved that Leatherhead's size makes him have to sit on the end of the table near the doorway to the kitchen area and away from Don. Michelangelo offers to switch places so they can both sit together but Donatello refuses and instead stays in his regular spot. Beside Leonardo.
His relief is tinted with guilt so it doesn't really ease the knot in Leonardo's gut as Donatello makes polite conversation with Leatherhead and tries to include him as well. Leatherhead is staying over for a movie night and Donatello tries to get Leonardo's vote on what film to choose, stating that he hasn't had any input any of the last five or six they've watched.
"I don't mind." Leonardo answers with a shrug, trying not to look like he's just pushing the food around on his plate.
He won't stay for the movie anyway and Donatello knows this which is probably why he's trying to get him involved. Leonardo will excuse himself after a little while to his room and let them have the evening to themselves, as he's done the other times.
His reply makes Donatello frown but it's Michelangelo who takes over the conversation.
"We can watch Dawn of the Dead and Day of the Dead! And maybe if you're still up for it, Land of the Dead too! You said you liked Night of the Dead… we could have a Romero zombie movie marathon."
"It's already pretty late, Mikey." Donatello says around a smile while Raphael groans at the thought and shovels more food into his mouth.
"Well, LH can sleep over then," Michelangelo suggests. "I'm sure we can find some place to put him," he adds with a suggestive eye-ridge waggle at Donatello that is promptly interrupted by a kick under the table.
Leonardo's eyes dart to Master Splinter sitting on his other side but whether he missed the innuendo or is choosing to ignore it he can't be sure. Leonardo frowns at the food he knows he won't be eating more tonight, not willing to push another bite past the knot that now reaches his throat.
"You are, of course, always welcome to stay with us, Leatherhead." Master Splinter tells the alligator who has the decency to look flustered.
As soon as the table is cleared and dishes left with Raph to wash, Leonardo makes his escape to his room.
Trying to sort through his emotions is an exercise in futility and only brings up more guilt. It is becoming more and more obvious that he's the only one who believes this relationship is moving too fast. Hiding from them isn't helping, maybe it's only making things worse and if he'd just expose himself to it he'd end up getting accustomed to their new dynamic.
That's probably it. That was all it was. He was just having trouble with the new situation in his family, struggling with change.
Getting up from his bed, mind made up, he grabs a book from his bedside table as an excuse to have gone in here. He owes his brother enough to make an effort to be a part of the evening. How difficult could it be to sit with them and read in their company?
His determination falters as soon as he steps into the living room.
His brothers and Leatherhead are all getting ready to start the movie, talking amongst themselves and Donatello is… well he's practically sitting on Leatherhead. He has a leg draped over the alligator's knee and is tucked into his side under a large arm, dwarfed by the larger reptile's size as their friend holds him possessively. Donatello looks so relaxed in that situation and the others continue with what they're doing as if it were the most normal position to be in.
Michelangelo notices him first and when he waves Leonardo over it snaps him out of his daze.
"Oh, hey Leo. Thought you'd gone to bed already," Donatello tells him with a sheepish grin, his face darkening.
It's not lost on Leonardo the way he stiffens and sits up, scooting away from his… his boyfriend as he pats Leatherhead gently on the arm until he pulls it away to rest on the back of the couch instead. If alligators could frown, Leonardo is sure Leatherhead would be frowning at him.
The knowledge that Donatello only does this in front of him hits him all at once.
Are his feelings so obvious that Donatello feels the need to save them by hiding his relationship only to him? The others don't mind, they're encouraging him, even Master Splinter. He understands now that his father wasn't ignoring Michelangelo's comments, he was giving them him blessing.
There's something wrong and twisted inside of him that can only feel bitterness where he should be feeling joy. He would even be content with feeling nothing.
By the time Donatello has made room for him on the couch to sit beside him, Leonardo is drowning in his own guilt. He doesn't think he can just go over to them and sit with them. Touching. Leatherhead takes up more than one person's space on that couch and even though Donatello's hips are narrow, he doesn't think he can do it.
He's forgotten how to act normal around Donatello and the fact that his brother can read him so clearly makes it worse.
"Yes," Leonardo starts, not sure what he's agreeing to. There might have been a follow-up question he didn't listen to as he was trying to float above the dark tide inside him. "No, I mean. I was going to… read," he motions to the book he's holding on to far too tightly in his hand
"That's okay, we can keep the light on," Donatello starts to say but Leonardo is already ahead of him.
"… You'll want to watch your horror movies in the dark and I didn't want to ruin the atmosphere you have going on here." He means that in more than one way. "Just thought I'd say goodnight in case I didn't see Leatherhead… in the morning."
Leonardo makes his escape before anyone else can try to convince him, ignoring Raph's "what's his problem?" before closing the door behind him.
He's convinced he's the worst brother in the world and not even that thought makes the misplaced anger and hurt inside him fade. He feels jealous of their relationship and lonely but feeling lonely is much better than the anger that bubbles up inside him.
All he can think about is that Leatherhead will be spending the night in the room beside him with Don and he wishes he had more than one wall between them as he presses his face into his pillow, hoping to smother his thoughts and whatever sounds that could reach him.