Regrets
by CJ May
aka Drakon Sword
e-mail: drakonsword@yahoo.com
Pairing: Squall Leonhart x Seifer Almasy
Warnings: Yaoi, Language, Angst, OOCness (maybe . . . ?), slightly AU (none of us now what happened after the scar exchange – not really anyway)
Rating: R [?]
Disclaimer: Honesty, would I be writing if I owned it? Pfft! Whatever!
[Squall] *narrows eyes* My word . . .
Summary: After the scaring video at the beginning of the game. What if Squall didn't pass out – that is what he did, isn't it? – and why did the freaking battle happen anyway?
Author's Notes: I've promised to behave now under my online name Drakon Sword.
[Squall] . . . . sure.
I do. No more NC-17 fics on ff.net. Only R, but my NC-17 fics will be in other places. HP fics will be at snitchfiction.net and any others will probably go to fandomination.net. All R rated ones will be posted on ff.net. I plan to alter a few other stories to be posted on ff.net, but some may never make the cut, but we shall see.
Anyhow, R&R!!!
~*@*~
I calmly walked into my room, withholding my steaming anger as blood streamed down my face from the diagonal cut that I had received barely fifteen minutes before. I didn't bother turning around as the heavy-footed steps followed me and rolled my eyes as the swish of the door closing behind me was suddenly halted where it proceeded to just open again for safety reasons.
Stupid fucking door.
I didn't need this. I already had to deal with his shit for the past three days and I don't need anymore. Mentally I feel like I'm falling apart and physically . . . I'm bleeding. I think that's enough of a clue.
I was happy to notice that Zell was thankfully absent. Probably mowing down on hot dogs at the caf or mooching with that girl from the Library – either way he wasn't here to witness what was about to happen.
I tossed my gunblade on the bed and my jacket followed, coming off with jerky, but controlled movements as he watched. I could feel his jade eyes studying me, but I refused to acknowledge him. I flung my jacket to the bed before I brushed past him to go to the washroom, where I turned on the tap and threw water on my face and twisting my lips as the water turned to a rose colour.
I looked into the mirror to inspect the damage, but found that Seifer was standing right behind me. His eyes caught mine as blood also poured down his face like it had mine – and still was – since I decided to grace him with the same mark that would definitely scar. Neither of us has Guardian Forces, therefor no magic -- though Seifer had a flare stone – and we were both too pissed to bring potions.
"I didn't mean to hurt you." Were his harsh words as he jade eyes caught mine with such intensity, yet not anger? I wondered when was the last time I had seen him this way.
Not often, anyway.
I always saw him with either anger or frustration – often both. I occasionally saw tenderness and care, but nothing like this – not this intense, or unreadable. It caused my heart to flip.
I didn't answer him as I opened the cabinet door, thus breaking contact with him as the mirror was shoved aside so I could get to the potions and bandages stored there. Since I hadn't healed the cut right away, it would bleed a little longer and would eventually scar – effectively marking me for life.
"Don't you have anything to say for yourself?" This time the words were said with anger instead of the passion that I had heard before. Again I didn't reply as I grabbed a towel and held it to my forehead as I returned to my room where I sat on the bed and to work administering the potion and gauze.
Seifer followed – of course – and proceeded to place a knee between my legs as he took the bottle of potion away from my hands to administer it himself.
I let him do as he pleased and didn't move as he wrapped gauze around the cut. It was his fault. He had slashed me first. He challenged me.
He fucked that stupid whore first.
We wouldn't have been here if he hadn't gone to Timber for his vacation. If he hadn't of gone, he would have never met her and would have never cheated on me. Thus, I wouldn't have slept with that other guy. We would have been fine, but instead, here we are tumbling into the darkness of despair.
It was stupid really. I had over heard Fujin and Raijin talking about the girl Seifer had met. They hadn't met her, but Seifer seemed enthusiastic about her and they were happy that Seifer was finally taking something seriously.
Little did they know that he already kinda had.
Me.
Though the past events tend to point that I am less important to him then I know.
We had no promises or whispered words of devotion when we first fucked at age 16. For over a year we continued, yet also continued our rivalry that we had since the first day I arrived at the Garden. I guess I overestimated our bond as he proceeded to fuck someone else – proving that I meant very little to him.
I publically confronted Seifer about it – I made a comment that I had heard that Seifer finally found someone to willingly fuck him – and I watched as his face fell as he didn't deny it. He then proceeded to boost about his conquest like she was a piece of meat while others watched – I could see he hated himself for all he was saying, but I didn't care. He cheated on me.
I simply arched an eyebrow before stomping off, refusing to let anyone see the hurt I felt. I stayed out all night, training in the Training Centre while I considered my options and how I felt.
I was hurt. I was betrayed and I found that I wanted revenge. I successfully avoided Seifer the next day while I considered my options for revenge. The most obvious and satisfying of them all was to fuck a classmate and make sure someone was in range to gossip, so that Seifer would hear.
I offered myself to Azure that night for some lust filled passion which he instantly took advantage of. He was one of my many admirers and a well-known slut. I timed it so that Zell would catch us and knowing how big his mouth is, it would be around the Garden before Azure and I reached organism.
Of course, Seifer heard and promptly confronted me about it the next day. I won't ever forget the anger, jealously and hurt that was in his eyes. I felt good to have my revenge, yet also guilty – just as revenge is. Revenge is tangy. Sweet and sour at once as it lingers – unwilling to let you forget your victory and defeat immediately.
I half-regretted what I did, but I did it to show Seifer that he wasn't the only one – even though Azure had only been the second person I had been with while Seifer is and will always remain number one.
He challenged me. We fought and hurt each other for the first time. Blood poured down our faces as obvious as our pain -- mental more then physical. We both knew that it would never be the same again.
The beginning of the end.
"What do you want me to say?" I finally asked Seifer, effectively turning off all my senses as he cared for me. Alone he would show this tenderness while making love and it was often my downfall, but I refused to show in weakness in this. He had started it, so I had finished it.
Seifer didn't answer right away. I don't think he knew either, but his actions seemed calm and I waited for him to speak.
"I don't love her and I never did sleep with her. She simply needed my help, so I helped her. She was warm, fun and loving and assumed to believe we had a chance to be something. She held my hand, hugged me in public and was never afraid to show my affection in public. She . . . she was so different from you and me." Seifer finally replied, sounding somewhat forlorn.
I closed my eyes and moved my head from his reach. I pushed him away as I got up and moved out of my room, he followed me till he came to the door frame and watched my back – I could feel his eyes on me.
"This is supposed to make it all okay?" I demanded, not turning around as my shoulders tensed. I heard him sigh.
"No."
"Then why are you here? Dammit! If you care for her so much, go to her! I don't need you! I can get any other person in this fucking Garden to fuck me! I don't need you and you proclaim not to be in love with this bitch, but you're lying!" I hollered at him as I spun around to face him. He seemed slightly surprised at my outburst. I was feeling a little queasy. I might have to go to the Infirmary anyway.
"I like her, Squall. She made it okay to be me. There was no pretenses or any of the other bullshit – just simple care between two people." Seifer explained as blood trickled down his face. His cut had pretty much stopped bleeding, but his face was still a mess.
"And they say the romance is dead." I muttered as I chucked a towel at Seifer and pointed to the bathroom. "Clean yourself up. I'm not in the mood to drag you to the Infirmary or clean any of your other messes." I growled and watched as Seifer let out an angry sigh before doing as he was told -- which was unusual, but me being this pissed and vocal about it was also unusual. Besides, I think he figured out the silent demand for peace so I could think while he was busy.
I flopped onto the chair with a broken sigh as I massaged my temples – feeling the ache in my forehead and what was happening between Seifer and I wasn't helping.
Seifer was a romantic – a closet one, but one nonetheless. I don't think he really knew it himself, but little things seemed to mean a lot to him. Offering a hand to help him up after a fight. Picking him up some things, he needed on the way out. Telling him the work when he missed a class – he skipped a lot, but never seemed to be behind by too far.
The little things mattered to him.
However, as close as we got – nothing changed between us in the public.
We were still rivals.
It seemed that this girl could give him what I never could. She let him be free so he could drop all the shields and be who he wanted to be. It was okay to hold her hand and kiss her in public. It was okay to call her endearment and hold her close.
All the things that it wasn't okay to do with me.
Now I know why he did it.
I don't know why we didn't drop the rivalry when we got together. To be honest, it started as another type of challenge between us. We were horny, curious teenagers. We were close enough that we could try things out with each other and not worry about the consequences – homosexuality wasn't exactly okay or really accepted, but it wasn't a huge no-no.
A hand job in the shower after a pretty gruelling exam and we found ourselves getting deeper and deeper till I think we started to fall in love. In private it was tender words as we flew to the sky on the waves of ecstasy. In public we were bitter rivals and forever would be.
I hated it.
However, this has made me realize that Seifer and I can't be together. I can't give him what he needs, but she can. She can love him openly while we have to hide our care in the shadows and in secret rooms. She can hold his hand and kiss him on the cheek while I have to answer him with the tip of my gunblade, or my fist – depending on the comment.
I closed my eyes painfully as I placed my head in my arms and rested my elbows on my knees. I wasn't the one for him. I loved him – he doesn't know and he never will – but I can't be there for him. I can't give him what he needs.
She can.
"Squall . . . ?" Seifer voice was tentative, but not lacking in volume. He seemed slightly unsure and only I could hear that slight tremble in his voice. We knew each other too well to hide secrets and fears from the other.
"Seifer, I want you to go to her. I want you to be with her and love her. I want you to be happy." I said, lifting up my head and dropping my arms, but not looking at him.
"What the fuck?" Seifer demanded as he moved to stand in front of me. He grabbed my face and made me look at him. "What the hell are you going on about? Dammit Squall! I'm sorry! She needed help and I saved her. She took me home for dinner and we ending up spending most of my vacation together, but I don't love her!" Seifer growled, his jade eyes panicked and fierce.
"You don't love me either." God. That hurt.
Seifer's jaw worked for a few moments and I noticed that he had not wrapped his cut in gauze like mine – too good for gauze it seemed.
"You don't have any ties with me, Seifer. I shouldn't be angry just as you shouldn't with me. She makes you happy and I don't. She can show the world that she cares for you and that she is the one you are going home with while I have to remain you deadly and bitter rival." My voice was hushed and I watched as Seifer's eyes darkened with anger. "Go to her." Were my whispered words.
"It's just like that, is it? You're just going to send me off without hearing my side? You complete and utter cold bastard." Seifer hissed, sounding outraged. I sighed, shaking my head.
"I saw you when you came back. You seemed so happy and complete. I had my suspicious, but now I know why. Don't lose it, Seifer. Some of us only have one chance." I said, staring him right in the eyes as silence once again flittered between us.
It was then Seifer launched himself at me. His arms went around my waist as I was yanked to his hard, firm body. I felt my body tingle as soon as we touched with the passionate fire that would never go out. His hand cupped my chin as he forced me into a deep and fierce kiss that left me reeling, but I refused to respond.
I loved Seifer enough that I wanted him to be with another that would make him happy.
I loved him enough that as long as he was happy – so was I.
"How can you just forget and drop that?" Seifer whispered against my lips as we both panted for breath. I can't, Seifer. I won't forget, but I also can't give you what you need. You need her.
I bowed my head. I heard him take a deep breath throw his nose as I stared at our feet. I bit my lip and closed my eyes as I gathered my cold shield. I had to do this – no matter how much it hurt us in the process. She was the one for him – not me.
"I can easily, Seifer. For I can get it anywhere I want." I replied, my voice cold and monotone. I watched as his jade eyes flashed.
"Dammit! You're mine, Squall Leonhart. I marked you for fuck's sake!" Seifer snarled as his finger stroked hard against the gauze around the cut as he traced down. I was positive I saw blood colour the tip of his black leather clad finger.
"You marked me for my mistake and double crossing you. You did it as a rival – not a lover, or otherwise." I replied, withholding the bitter smile. I would always think of it as a mark from my love – not as a mark of an enemy.
"That's what you think?" He demanded with a low and dangerous snarl. I simply answered him with my eyes. I screamed yes as I changed the question in my mind to be 'do I love you?'
Did I ever.
"So that's how it is." He stated moving out of my embrace. I found it hard to release my fingers that were clutching him – how I wanted to scream at him not to go. Hyne, how I didn't.
"We fuck, Seifer – with her you can make love. We are rivals and forever will be. Go to her. Make her happy." I bit out even though I was fighting tears as I turned my back to him.
We were silent for a few moments that seemed to last for eternity. I could feel my heart breaking as the shields that the public saw were starting to come up in private.
"Fine. I go with no regrets." Seifer muttered and with that I heard the door open and shut with its faint swish as he left. His footsteps echoing in my ears long after he left. It was the last time and I would never share my love for him again.
I felt a few tears drip from my eyes and viciously whipped them away before deciding to go to the Infirmary because my head was throbbing. There she could give me some pain killers and some other potions that couldn't be bought at item shops and were only offered to the patients.
However, Seifer's last words rang in my ears.
They did till the end.
Little did we know that they would be many regrets.
Many.
~*OWARI*~
A/N: That was a shitload of angst. I am considering doing a sequel to this. Just a short 'R' rated one to let you know how it ends, if they get back together and maybe in Seifer's POV. *shrugs* Depends what you peoples think. If it's crap then no more. I won't beat the dead donkey . . .
[Squall] *blinks* Where the hell did you get that expression . . .
However, if ya like it there will be more. And no – I have no idea where the expression came from. It came from nowhere like, marriage is commitment and so is insanity *grins*
[Squall] *arches brow*
Anyway, let me know.