Author's Note: Just because there are always stories about: Spike and Buffy have lived a happy life, Buffy dies, now what? and I wanted to change it up... just a little.
Disclaimer: Not mine, it all belongs to Joss and his genius.
We always assumed I'd die first, it was kind of a given. Slayer v.s Master Vampire, who lives longer, right? I guess his years caught up with him. I had even talked to him about it (well, it was more a stern "don't do anything too stupid" but that's talking). He never wanted to talk about it. I didn't understand why until he died.
It's not like I haven't mourned him before, just that then I only had our fucked-up past and a maybe? kinda? sorta? could be? possibility of a future. Plus I was busy organizing the slayers, I didn't have time to sit and cry. This time I have nothing to do and twenty years of memories. Memories of the greatest years of my life. We weren't perfect, far from it. The scoobies used to joke that fighting was our hobby. Some couples bowled, others jogged, Buffy and Spike fought. If you'd have seen on the street you'd have thought we were the most messed-up couple in the world. You'd probably have been right.
I love him, I cherish the memories of our time together. Play them over and over again in my head like a movie. But.. they're fading, I can't remember some of his lines. So I make new memories, I imagine talking to him. But... my insights are never as insightful, my comebacks never as witty and I'm starting to forget exactly what that glint in his eye looked like. Then the full weight of the fact that he's not here hits me in the stomach. I curse him for giving me so much love and happiness only to leave and leave me empty. I hate him.
I always try and find a balance, between what he would do and what he would want me to do. Because they are complete opposites. There are days when I just wanna curl up in bed and never leave, it's what he would do. But I have the scoobies and Dawn and patrolling so I get up, because he would want me to. He's such a hypocrite.
Note: I know, I'm evil. At least I gave them twenty years of happiness, that's more than ANYONE will ever get in the Joss-verse. Go on to the next chapter, it's even sadder!