I admit, I never understood the way love works between two people, or why the humans I adored so much put so much time and money into these emotions they had for each other. Everything I did was calculated. The only things I didn't calculate were the fights I had with my monster. Not that I needed to. The fights always followed similar patterns, every step of every fight was easy to predict while participating in the event.
I never understood the way love works, but I understood want well enough, in fact, want and I were good friends, acquainted for years and years. Want introduced me to desire, desire eventually lead me to a strange emotion I can only label "lust." An extreme want, one that tore me up inside. A physical want. A physical desire.
What I wouldn't have done for that lust to have been directed at anyone else.
Was it because of our fights? Was it his strength? Was it the pure intensity of my hate for him? Was it because only he could really challenge me? Was it because I had known him for so long? Why did I have to want that monster? Why did I desire that protozoan? Why did I lust after Shizu-chan?
I knew things were getting bad- serious- in the emotional department when I began noticing his cologne. And recognizing when he wore different cologne. Wasn't that what a female might do? There was something wrong with my head. I would have vistited Shinra about it, but I doubted an unliscensed surgeon would know how to deal with the things going on in my head.
But then again, the good doctor was infatuated with the Dullahan, wasn't he? I shook the ideas off. Shinra couldn't help me. I just had to let it pass.
And, for awhile, it did seem as though my desires had numbed. But then my monster caught me by the throat and shovedd me into the nearest wall. Normally, I would have expected the protozoan to crush my throat and toss me aside. What other good could his monster strength achieve? However, today my thoughts were somehow on the fact that he was touching me, however violently.
He must have let me escape, because I was soon at Shinra's home, sitting on his couch, very much alive. I tried to keep my tone light and mocking while I told Shinra and Celty about my head problems, but my mask slipped and I showed my desperate frustration to the doctor and the Dullahan.
[It sounds like you like Shizuo]
"Don't be absurd, Celty," I laughed, slipping my mask back into place. "I hate Shizu-chan. I just like to play with him a bit!"
"No, I think Celty is right, Izaya. And you seem to be in denial about it," Shinra said slowly, obviously trying not to incense me. But why would I be incensed? We were just having a calm conversation about how I was going completely and utterly insane. That was all.
"I don't like Shizu-chan!" I snapped, decidedly less than calm.
[You are not helping your case by losing your temper like this, Izaya. It's not like you to lose your temper in the first place.]
"If you do like Shizuo, admitting it is the first thing you should do," Shinra said, folding his hands together, "You can't expect this to go away if you just leave and suppress it all the time, you know?"
I glanced between Dullahan and doctor with a guarded expression. I hated Shizuo. I hated him. These two were being foolish.
[Izaya. You said you felt as though you craved his touch.]
"I highly doubt that craving a touch is to be equated with liking someone," I said, turning my head to look out the window.
"Actually..." Shinra seemed amused, "Unless you're suddenly, erm, horny all the time and craving the 'touch' of just about anyone, I'm pretty sure that your craving is a sign of your liking Shizuo."
"Foolish mortal," I replied noncommitally.
"Okay..." Shinra blinked, not sure how to respond to my reply.
Celty was tapping at her phone again. I sighed, preparing to read what she came up with next. [Izaya, you're obviously in denial. You said you craved SHIZUO'S touch, dreamed of SHIZUO'S face, anticipated fights with SHIZUO, wandered around Ikebukuro actually looking for SHIZUO, and even got distracted from your work. With thoughts of SHIZUO.]
"Gratuitous capital letters, how artistic of you, Celty," I quipped. I was just horribly obsessed with the inhuman protozoan, the only man who defied my predictions. I didn't like him. Impossible.
Shinra opened his mouth to try another argument, but found himself interrupted by a rough knock at the door, His eyes lit up in recognition as his turned and made a beeline for the apartment's door.
[You like Shizuo. Admit it.]
"Celty, for the last time: obsession does not equate to liking someone romantically," I laughed at her, "Yes, I may want the monster to touch me- inappropriately-" I gave a brief pause while Celty did her impression of the "facepalm," it was an amusing gesture when performed by the headless Dullahan, "I may dream of him, anticipate fights with him, look for him, and have my mind preoccupied with thoughts of him. Yes. But I love humans. Not monsters."
[You seriously cannot see?]
"See what?" I asked, tilting my head to the side.
[For one thing, the fact that you like Shizuo. And for the other thing, that Shinra's present visitor- the one standing in the doorway- is you favorite protozoan?]
"My favorite-" I did my own impression of the "facepalm" then, not bothering to look behind me. For all of five seconds.
Behind me did indeed stand my monster, Shizuo Heiwajima, he had probably come to get his arm stitched up by Shinra (I'd cut him there! Me! What fun!). His expression was mixed, as if he'd been- oh. Well, of course he had been standing there through my confession (of sorts). Of course.
"Shizu-chan~" I cried, jumping to my feet, "You've come to play more? I'm flattered, but I really must be going." I took my leave quickly, leaving Celty and Shinra explain my nonexistent feelings for the protozoan to said protozoan. My next meeting with the blond would probably prove to be quite... interesting, to say the least.