TITLE: Thinking of You
AUTHOR: Doctor Strangelove (strangelove317@hotmail.com)
DESCRIPTION: Spike thinks about his relationship with Buffy after she broke up with him. An angsty songfic. From Spike's POV.
GENRE: Romance/Angst
RATING: R for sexual situations and language.
DISCLAIMER: All Buffy stuff belongs to Joss Whedon. "Break Me" belongs to Jewel.
She hurt me. Bad. The Slayer. I've proven to her on more occasions than I can count that I love her. That this isn't just a crush or some obsession of mine. It's true love. Blinding, bleeding, hurts-so-much-I-can't-stand-it love. But she doesn't care. She was using me, to feel like she was alive. I knew before she did that she didn't love me. It's not because I don't have a soul. It's not me at all. It's her. Her and her whole fucking "Poor, pitiful me. I was ripped out of Heaven and now I'm on Earth where things are 100% easy" attitude. I can't stand it.
I will meet you
In some place
Where the light lends itself
To soft repose
I can't stand that, but I can't stand being apart from her either. Part of the whole hopelessly in love thing. Can't live with her, can't live without her. Bloody irony. I need her. I look over at the blonde sitting next too me and I can see it. She needs this too. She's hurt and she needs love. My love. She needs me.
I will let you undress me
I slid her red top off of her smooth skin and tossed it aside.
But I warn you
I laid her down on the table and climbed on top of her. Then I realized what was happening, was this really happening?
I have thorns
Like any rose
Was I about to have sex with her? After all I'd been through? I looked down and saw all the emotions in her eyes. The want, the need, the hunger. I'd been through so much, but I knew this was right. It was necessary. I unfastened her black bra and threw it over next to her top. I slowly began to caress her soft breasts and soon realized that more was needed as she started unbuttoning my shirt. I undressed, I was a little hesitant to get completely naked, but after she had shed her skirt and panties I got over it.
And you could hurt me
With your bare hands
You could hurt me
With the sharp end
Of what you say
As I entered her and began to pump back and forth I thought of all the times Buffy had hurt me in the past. Physically, mentally, and emotionally. Whenever I was around it seems like I was her punching bag. More punches than I can count, telling me that I was beneath her, not even worthy to kill her, that I was a monster, a soulless evil beast. All the times she'd come to me, needing to be fucked so she could get her mind off all her troubles. At the time I knew she didn't love me but I didn't care because I got to be with her. Later on was when it hurt.
But I'm lost to you now
And there's no
Amount of reason
To save me
Now I don't care again. After all I've been through I need this, and from the way she's writhing and moaning below me with each thrust I can tell she needs it too. She's been hurt. Not by me, but by the others of the Scooby Gang. I feel bad for her, she's had a rough life, and now she's got some comfort.
So break me
Take me
Just let me
Feel your arms again
I know we shouldn't be doing this, but I don't care. I need this and it feels so good.
Break me
I'll let you make me
Just let me
Feel your love again
Any inhibitions I first had about this encounter are lost and I feel myself losing control. The outside world and all my thoughts about Buffy start to fade away. I run my hands through her blonde hair and begin to thrust harder and faster.
Feels like being underwater
Now that I've let go
And lost control
Water kisses fill my mouth
Water fills my soul
All thoughts of Buffy are gone now. Except for one. A voice in my head keeps screaming, "What are you doing!? You can't sleep with her! Not after all you've been through! What about-" I shut the voice up by repeating, "I need this. She needs this. We need this," over and over again in my head. I don't care if it's wrong, I have to have this.
So break me
Take me
Just let me
Feel your arms again
Break me
I'll let you make me
Just let me
Feel your love again
She moans louder, almost screaming out my name, as we get more and more caught up in the moment. I bend down to kiss her soft lips and soon our tongues are wrestling with each other, ravaging each other's mouth.
So kiss me once
I move from her mouth and start to kiss down her neck, roughly sucking and nibbling on the soft flesh.
Or maybe twice
This is incredible. I'm lost in ecstasy as our hips thrusting together and my mouth ravaging her body bring me closer and closer to climax.
Oh, it never felt so nice
God, this is so amazing. The intense animal pleasure of it all. It was never this way with Buffy.
So break me
Take me
Just let me
Feel your arms again
It was her orgasm that finally brought me over the edge and I shot myself into her. I fell on top of her, panting heavily and covered in sweat. We were both spent and we just lay there, naked and glistening with sweat, with me still inside her, for a few minutes.
Break me
Make me
Just let me
Feel your arms again
Finally we get up and start to get dressed, realization of what we just did finally dawning on us. We slowly get dressed and stand there in an awkward silence. I don't know what to say. And from her unusual lack of words, I can tell Anya doesn't know either. I suddenly wonder what would happen if Buffy ever found out. Huh, she'd probably get upset and hurt, like I cheated on her, after she dumped me. Well, I thought with a small laugh, I was thinking of you the entire time.
Just let me
Feel your love again