Title: Kyou: Today
Words: 1134
Warnings: Angst, some spoilers for chapter 43.
Notes: Itsuka inspired me to write a bunch of oneshots and/or drabbles related to the theme of "days" (ie. today, yesterday, someday, etc.), so expect at least three more over time. They'll probably all be Mika-centric and probably take place in a general timeline in the canon-verse, so...there's that. o/
• • • • • • • •
He's just a little bit jealous.
No, that's not right – that's not the correct word. Jealousy would imply that Mikaela wants to take something from Yuuichirou, use him, tear him down and throw him in the dust. That's not at all what he wants. He just wishes, in some ways, sometimes, that he could be a little bit more like him. He's proud of his family. He's proud of what he's become, how strong he is, how he always looks forward and never, ever back.
Yuu is always living in the moment, it seems.
Mika thinks he could really use that sort of blessing.
His mind is always turning, and he can't stop it, no matter what Yuu says or what he wants. He always sees that day, at the back of his mind, the day his family was murdered by a vampire he was later forced to coexist with. He sees Yuu transforming into a creature with black wings – he sees Yuu turning into a demon, for longer every day. Even worse, Mikaela sees himself powerless to stop it – he's just as weak as he was before. He still can't save Yuu.
And he's scared of the future. He's scared of watching, one by one, as his friends die, his family. (They are not his "new" family, because that feels like replacing the old one, so they are simply family, nothing more, and nothing less…
– Yuu is always more.)
They're sleeping – or, at least, Yuu is. This night, the group has decided to tuck in and rest, and they've found what appears to be an abandoned motel, some of the beds still intact. Yuu's laying on one, sleeping, while Mika lies beside him and pretends to sleep, too. It's nights like this, when he listens to Yuu's quiet, even breathing, that he thinks his inability to sleep is cruel. What's funny is that he's never really thought of it like that before. Before, when he was in Sanguinem, when he didn't have Yuu back, when he wasn't with humans, he'd thought of it as a non-issue. It was just more time to learn, more time to plan, more time to grow. He had always thought that the hours Krul spent relaxing in her hammock, trying to achieve some futile rest that would never be attainable for her in undeath, was a waste of time. And now he's doing the exact same thing.
It's cruel, he thinks, that respite is denied to creatures like him.
He could go off into a tangent about how it's merely proof of his monstrosity, of an otherness that he doesn't want, but he's too mentally tired to do that. For not the first time in his life, Mikaela actually wants to sleep, to at least stop himself from having thoughts he doesn't want, to at least lift the blame from his own mind, because while asleep, it's not as if he has conscious control over his thoughts.
He doesn't want this.
Restlessly, he turns onto his side to shift his gaze to Yuu. Perhaps gazing at the sleeping human will help him calm himself. Yuuichirou's shirt collar is unbuttoned, and it takes only a moment for Mika's eyes to hone in on the bite mark at the side of his neck. His stomach lurches as a pang of hunger grips him for a moment, and he squeezes his eyes shut, frustration needling at him. This is the opposite of what he wanted. Things never go the way he wants. For a second, he wishes that he could bite the brunet – let himself sink into the sensations of feeding. Forget everything. Suck him dry.
He bites the inside of his cheek until he tastes blood on his tongue.
He reaches carefully to pull the blanket up until it tucks underneath Yuu's chin. Much better.
"Ah…Mika?" Green eyes flutter open, full of sleep, and Mika's hand jerks back.
"Sorry," he whispers quietly, "did I wake you?"
"Nah, I don't mind." Yuu's voice comes out a little stronger now, and he covers his mouth lightly as he yawns and pulls the covers tighter around himself. "What are you doing, anyway? Can't you sleep?"
"I – no, not really, Yuu-chan. I guess…it's a vampire thing."
"Don't you mean a Mika thing?"
The blond is struck speechless for a few moments, before he laughs quietly, both annoyed and endeared by Yuu's stubbornness. "Maybe. I don't think I could sleep even if I were human."
"Why is that?"
"…I think too much."
This time, it's Yuuichirou's turn to laugh. "Hah, yeah, that sounds like Mika." A solemn quiet hovers over the bed. "I used to think a lot, too."
"Eh? You, capable of thought?"
"Oh, shut up!" Yuu grumbles, smacking Mika lightly on the shoulder as the vampire giggles softly. "But, yeah. It was a long time before I was able to live in the here and now. I was always thinking about…that day. About what I should have done, or could have done…if I should have stopped you…" He trails off into a frown, and Mika finds himself wishing he had never spoken, because then they wouldn't be talking about this. But then Yuu breaks out into a blinding grin, brighter than the sun and stars and moon combined, and continues. "But then I found out you were alive! And everything became a lot easier, Mika. Do you know why?" He doesn't wait for an answer. "Because I stopped thinking about the past, and I started thinking about the present. I started thinking about getting better and stronger so that I could save you, not so I could save what can't be saved anyway. I think the present is a lot more important than the past – you can change what you're doing now, but you can't ever change what you did before. When I asked you to live with me, I meant with me, not around me – so let's live in the present together, okay, Mika?" He finishes with a tiny smile, now seemingly fully awake, his eyes boring into Mikaela's own.
The blond, himself, is speechless. He hadn't expected this kind of response, but maybe that makes it all the better. Maybe they aren't really that different – if Yuu started living in the present, maybe even monsters that go bump in the night can, too. Tentatively, he reaches under the covers to entwine his cold fingers with Yuu's warm ones. " – Okay, Yuu-chan. I'll try."
Yuu's grin is a brief flash of white teeth in the darkness. "All right. Let's go to sleep, then! It's late, and we have to get up early tomorrow. Krul's waiting, right?" His beautiful green eyes slide shut, and after a few moments, Mika tries closing his own eyes, too, hoping that maybe pretending will turn into actuality.