Better Left Unsaid
Summary: Felicity and Oliver don't bother using words anymore. Bad news is better left unsaid. Angst. Triggers.
Disclaimer: Arrow is owned by DC/CW/more acronyms that don't spell LVB.
He fucks her in the foundry.
It's a long time coming but unexpected nonetheless. A terrible night with terrible consequences sends him downstairs and Digg home, to rest in his own bed, next to his ex-wife.
She greets him with worried eyes and a shriek when she spies the blood on his arms. He doesn't speak a word.
In three strides his lips are on her own and his hands are pulling, ripping, taking. If Felicity's confused, she doesn't show it. As always, she gives everything she has for the Arrow, and when Oliver is pushing into her against the desk, she stifles a yelp.
Their conversation reduces to moans and grunts until Oliver slams into her a final time. Then, he says her name. She doesn't reciprocate. Moments later he seems to realise what he's done and moves off her, his facial expressions revealing what she suspects the moment he started.
She doesn't give him the pleasure of apologising. She'll keep her absolution to herself. All Felicity does is pull her skirt down and pick up her shredded underwear from the floor. Digg finding them would spell disaster.
She doesn't offer to tend his wounds. She grabs her bag and leaves him as he hastily puts things back where they belong on the desk.
"Goodnight, Oliver."
Felicity isn't surprised that he doesn't bring it up at work the next day. She thinks about leaving him a coffee on his desk, a way of saying I don't blame you for the A+ sex last night, but she decides against it. She's not exactly unhappy but the disappointment settles deep in her bones.
It was a moment of weakness and she knows it. Neither of them need to say that sleeping together was a mistake. It hadn't been long since the others, or Sara.
Sara.
Felicity feels sick.
An hour in and they're both called in for a meeting. Oliver ignores her and Felicity types, types, types. Thankfully, Isabel leaves them alone and when the meeting is finished, they both leave the room wordlessly.
She wonders what she could possibly say.
She takes an extra long bathroom break to avoid him. When she returns, he's left a coffee for her on the desk.
She catches his eye through the glass. He smiles and her and she raises the coffee in response. Neither of them have to say it.
We'll be okay.
o0o
Felicity stares at her computer screen knowing that deep in her bones, nothing will ever be okay again. Her heart pounds, beating out sambas that her feet yearn to repeat walking out the door.
Girls like her are prepared.
Girls like her aren't cliches.
Two weeks ago she should have had her period, and like the perfect executive assistant she is, she is never late.
Digg and Oliver are busy with Roy so Felicity thinks nothing of scrambling to make an appointment. Covering her tracks is easy so if something happens to her before she makes it back, none of them will ever know.
Oliver glances at her and she remembers how easily he can read her. She's rearranged her desk since the incident and she toys with her necklace, trying to banish her thoughts into darkened caves no arrows can penetrate.
She is on edge.
o0o
Felicity does not use the doctors on the Queen Consolidated approval list. She signs in as Felicity Smoak, as she has always done, and toys with ideas of motherhood and loyalty. She plays with her necklace as her blood work is rushed through.
She is far away when the doctor offers her a warm congratulations.
She expects condemnation.
Instead, a nurse presses packets of information into Felicity's hands.
She wonders how she could have missed it. She wonders why she has pamphlets when everything is on the internet now.
She wonders how she feels.
And she wonders if she'll break it to Oliver before or after she runs.
o0o
Felicity makes her choice over a bowl of ice-cream. She stares at her cellphone. She's not sure whether she's waiting to call him, or hoping he'll do it first. The idea is absurd and she resumes her third round of agony for the evening, her chest full of both realised and shattered dreams.
She's booked her next appointment in Coast City under a pseudonym because Tockman's still out there. Felicity never knew having her own arch enemy would be so terrifying.
She knows she can't stay and she knows that her entire life is going to change. Either way, she's screwed Oliver Queen and being his pregnant assistant or his pregnant hacker will be her downfall.
She doesn't want to say goodbye.
o0o
Felicity tries three times to open her mouth and confess her sins but she can't bring herself to do it. There is always an interruption to smooth things over- Isabel Rochev, Thea, another criminal in the Glades.
Oliver erupts at the foundry and Felicity can't control it anymore.
"What is going on?" he demands, placing his bow on her table. She avoids looking at its placement, right where she was perched as Oliver drove into her again and again.
"You're not right, Felicity. You need to tell me what's going on, I can help."
She shakes her head at him, willing Poseidon to stand at bay. She has to do it now. In a month she'll show and she's not willing to be brave anymore. Felicity is a hero in her own right and this is the way she fights for Team Arrow. She's removing herself and her baby.
She doesn't speak, only sits in her chair. She hands him a piece of paper, unwilling to even speak the words out loud. He's quiet for a moment. She knows he trusts her and a question of parentage isn't even asked.
"I'm leaving," she whispers, feeling the words cut into her like a million knives, all protesting against her breakable skin.
"No," he commands, standing. "I can't- we'll working something out."
She expects this and slams her hands on the table. "No, Oliver. We are targeted every second of every day. If not here, then at QC. If anyone makes the connection between you and the Arrow, or me? We can't afford that."
"I can protect you, I can protect both of you," Oliver argues.
Felicity knows he's a hero. She shouldn't need convincing.
"What if you can't?"
Deep down she knows Oliver Queen would do anything to save her. He'd move the heavens and earth to save their child. But being a parent means making hard choices, she knows that. She's eight weeks along. She needs protection, even if it is from Oliver himself.
"I'm going in three weeks," she starts after a lengthy silence. "That will give me enough time to finalise everything."
He avoids looking at her. She places a hand on his, trying desperately not to launch herself into his arms. In another life, this would be happiness.
"I have to do this," she whispers. He avoids her but turns his hand so they are now clasped.
She closes her eyes tightly.
o0o
She storms into the office and wonders why she hadn't thought to install blinds or drapes. Oliver told mer many times that she was the brains of the operation and his stupidity only proves it.
The paperwork is slammed onto his desk and looks at her, clearly confused.
"Maternity leave?" she whispers angrily, as if anything an octave higher would blast through the intercom.
He adjusts his suit as he stands. "I don't want to hear anything about this, Felicity."
She moves to be in front of him. "I can't accept this, Oliver. You know that."
He glares at her. "You don't have a choice in the matter."
She wants to punch him and kiss him at the same time. "Kinda defeats the purpose of me leaving, don't you think? Why not just have a baby shower and a going away party and hey, why not just announce it to Isabel Rochev and the Clock King and ooh- maybe even A.R.G.U.S wants to know?"
"You're being ridiculous," he says.
She tries to stand taller but Oliver is gargantuan. "If I accept maternity leave Oliver, that means there's a record. And where there's records, there is something to find. Anyone in QC could find this information and don't even get me started on what happens if any of your enemies find out who I really am."
She knows he only wants to help.
He's quiet.
"I don't want to go," she confesses. She wants to launch into him and let him convince her to stay. She's tired of convincing herself she doesn't love him. She wants to let go and stay. She dreams of having a normal pregnancy- where Oliver takes her to appointments and the few friends she does have throw her a baby shower. She dreams of giving birth surrounded by people she loves and she dreams of Oliver.
But she has to go.
"Then don't," he says quietly.
She doesn't take him up on his offer.
o0o
In the end, she relents and gives Digg and Oliver an address. Her life is packed up and according to the paperwork, Felicity Smoak has moved to Europe to work for a start-up company. Felicity Rickards however, has a small two-bedroom apartment with a great tech setup. She thinks about following 'herself' to Europe but she can't bring herself to do it.
The whole thing is wrong.
o0o
Her first night alone in the new apartment doesn't stay that way for long. At three in the morning, she hears a knocking at her door. She takes a baseball bat and finds Oliver Queen standing at her door.
Seconds later she's crying and he sweeps her up in his arms.
He leaves at dawn and doesn't come back again.
o0o
Felicity Rickards lives a simple life. At twelve-and-a-half weeks, her skin glows and there's still barely a sign of life peeking out from under her clothes. She works from home, so it's easy enough to hack into the foundry mainframe.
Felicity discovers a lot about herself in those moments. She misses being useful. She misses being a hero.
She strokes her stomach.
It's time to be a different kind of hero.
With a few well-planned strokes, she puts the team back on track with a search. Part of her hopes they won't notice that she was ever in there.
o0o
She thinks she's hit that magical number. Twelve weeks is the golden ticket. She thinks of the life she has left behind and hopes it's all worth it.
At thirteen weeks, her life comes crashing down.
Later, she'll wonder why it had to be her.
She's alone when it happens and the sharp pains assaulting her terrify her more than anything.
She manages to phone an ambulance but they tell her that it's not her fault and nothing could be done.
She gives them her real name and waits.
o0o
She remembers the last thing she did before leaving Starling City. She puts Oliver Queen's name as her emergency contact.
That information holds.
o0o
She tries to picture Oliver's face when the hospital calls. A part of her is relieved she doesn't have to do it herself. She allows herself to think of checklists- of ways to Rickards and bring back Smoak. She thinks about how she'll be able to resume her work at QC and with Team Arrow.
She thinks of anything but miscarrying the baby.
She listens intently to the doctor's kind words and paralleling the nurse at the clinic, he presses yet more pamphlets into her hand.
Words like 'grief' and 'fertile' are tossed around but all Felicity wants is to crawl into her bed at home and never see the sun again.
It takes him some time, but soon enough, Oliver walks through her door.
She wants to apologise.
The words don't come out.
o0o
Oliver is asked to wait outside while they operate. In the meantime, he begins tackling his own checklist. First, he pays for everything at the hospital.
Secondly, he asks Digg to put the apartment back into Felicity's name.
Thirdly, he takes an official leave of absence from Queen Consolidated.
The last thing he does is stare into the distance, wondering why his chest tightens thinking about losing what he never had.
o0o
Felicity doesn't speak until they arrive at her apartment. He explains that Diggle was the one who bought her apartment on his behalf when she left.
She is too tired to argue and slips into the bedroom.
Oliver orders in and waits for her to emerge when the food arrives.
She doesn't.
o0o
"Leaving you was the hardest thing I've ever done," Oliver confesses through the bedroom door.
He knows what the hardest thing she's ever had to do was. This, he thinks, is Felicity's island.
o0o
Felicity looks away from her computer and to Oliver, on the salmon ladder. She's been back for months but nothing's been the same. She wonders if it ever will.
She averts her eyes and hears a final clang.
"Hey, are you okay?"
The night it happened comes flooding back. It's not a decision she is proud of but she's on him like a flame and she's positive he doesn't realise.
He envelops her and his presence soothes the pain in her soul. She wants to make it up to him, but more than that, she wants to make it up to herself.
When he asks her about protection, she hesitates and immediately he pushes her back.
She's ashamed.
"This is not a solution," he says to her. He tries to be gentle but Felicity can see the anger and the heartbreak behind his eyes. She remembers her own from that night, the way she had let him lose control.
She resents his refusal to let her run riot with his body and tears away from him.
He grabs her arm as she hurriedly puts her clothes back on. "Felicity, wait-"
She doesn't reply.
o0o
After an hour, her actions in the foundry disgust her. She isn't this person. She was supposed to be a hero. She was supposed to be somebody's mother.
On the rooftop of her building, she looks out into the city. Oliver's out there somewhere, doing his job.
Today is her due date and she wants to blame her bad decisions on the fact she's hurting. She wants to do a lot of things.
She hears a whizzing sound and then heavy footsteps. She isn't surprised to see him, only wonders why it took him so long.
"I'm sorry," she says, refusing to turn around. She yearns to fill the silence with her thoughts but she can't seem to fathom them into existence. She used to be able to talk for hours.
"It was supposed to be today, wasn't it?"
She only nods. There's so much she wants to say- more than apologies. She wants to confess that she nearly felt complete. She wants to say she missed him. She wants to tell him that a tiny part of her danced inside when she realised she could come home.
She feels the words on the tip of his tongue but all the reasons she ran in the first place remain valid. She can tell he wants to promise her that she could try again. She wants to say she was wrong earlier- it is too soon and she doesn't know if she wants that kind of life.
She wants to say I love you.
None of it happens. Instead, Oliver sits next to her and holds her hand.