The Old Ways
Loreena McKennitt (The Visit)
The thundering waves are caling me home...home to you The pounding sea is calling me home...home to you...
On a dark New Years night, on the west coast of Clare I heard your voice, singing Your eyes danced the song, your hands played the tune 'Twas a vision before me
We left the music behind, and the dance carried on As we stole our way to the sea shore We smelt the brine, felt the wind in our hair And with sadness you paused...
Suddenly I knew, that you'd have to go, Your world was not mine, your eyes told me so Yet it was there, I felt the cross-roads of time And I wondered why....
As we cast our gaze on the tumbling sea A vision came over me Of thundering hooves and beating wings In the clouds above
As I turned to go, heard you call out my name You were like a bird in a cage, spreading its wings to fly "The Old Ways are lost" you sang as you flew And I wondered why....
The thundering waves are calling me home....home to you The pounding sea is calling me home...home to you....
*******************************************
So this is how it is....Yukio thought, sitting in shock on the boulder Teren had led her to. He was still there, standing in front of her, the happy and pleased grin still spread upon his face, waiting as she tried to process, for the third time, just what, exactly, he had asked her only a moment before.
"Marry you?" she said, feeling rather stupid. It just wasn't making any sense to her. She brushed silken white hair from her face and peered up at him quizzically, deep blue eyes made deeper by the confusion there. "You want me...to marry you."
"Yeah." the young merchant grinned wider as he kneeled next to her, his own ebony hair sliding into his eyes as well. He, however, did not push aside the whispy bangs, but only peered through them with an earnest look, dark grey eyes scanning hers for the answer that had not been voiced.
Yukio was unable to voice much of anything. This had come from so far out in left field that it completely blind-sided her. An answer of any sort was just about impossible, if for no other reason than because she just couldn't wrap her mind around the concept. Certainly, all the signs were there...a blanket with a picnic dinner on it. Food they both loved but which was usually difficult to get where they lived...the white roses which he had joked upon giving her that they would simply disappear into her hair if she wore them...even the promise ring which he had handed her, a half minute before those fated words had passed his lips. She really should have seen this coming. Where had her much vaunted clear thinking been during all of this? Other than slightly buzzed from the plum saki Teren had brought along.
Actually, she was feeling enough out of sorts and unbalanced that she wondered if another clear thought would ever cross her mind again.
She bravely tried to struggle past all that though, "....Marry..." nothing was following that one word....
"Me. Yes. Exactly." Teren's smile turned gentle as he reached out, taking one of her hands and enfolding it in his. His eyes , just as gentle, were starting to turn a little concerned, "I've been thinking about it for a long time now..." he said quietly, "We're best friends, we understand each other better then we understand anyone else, we enjoy each others company, we like a lot of the same things, but we can be different too and it doesn't bother us...And I'm always looking to see you when I'm away, I miss you like nothing else when I'm gone...and...it's...lonely without you. Yukio, I just can't see my life without you...I love you..."
Yukio blinked, feeling a little pale. True, so many of the things he said were true for both of them. They were constant companions when Teren's merchant family was not traveling abroad for business, enjoying everything together, sharing things neither would share with any other person...he was her friend, confidant, partner in crime, as she was for him. There wasn't a moment in time that she was happier than when they were together, enjoying each others company. She missed him terribly when he was gone, and she was happy to see him when he came back. But...although he was her best friend, and she counted the days when he was away...although she knew she could trust him with anything, including her heart and soul...she didn't love him....at least...not the way he seemed to love her. Not enough to marry him...
Yukio looked down at their entwined hands, feeling several emotions all at once...anything from shock, to uncertainty, to a wistful sadness. But nothing that would qualify as an answering 'Yes', or as a love that would last an entire lifetime bound to him. Nothing that told her that this was it...that Teren was the man she wanted to marry. Rather, the idea felt like more of a death knell...off and wrong...and not at all what should happen.
Teren took her silence for the shock it was, but wasn't aware of any of the other nuiances that ran through his friends' mind. Instead, he took the stunned silence as something else altogether.
"I know its a shock," he said quietly, "And you really haven't had a chance to think about it...if you need time, just tell me," he looked at her, grey eyes meeting blue, and smiled carefully, "I can wait until you're ready..."
Yukio felt the pit of her stomach sink to somewhere around her feet. She had thought about it...a lot...ever since they had first met 9 years ago. The answer had always been the same throughout the years...she loved him...but as a friend, as family...even as a brother...but never...as this.
She looked up at Teren, and shook her head, a bittersweet smile on her face. "I already know my answer, Teren..." she said softly, and then looked away to the ground. The grass under and around her feet ruffled in the ever- present breeze that made its way across the Calm Lands. Reluctant to give her answer, even though she knew she had to give it now, she let herself get absorbed in the lush greenery. She doubted it would ever look so green again to her...
She looked up as she felt Teren give her hand a supportive squeeze, and felt her heart clench tight again at his hopeful look. This time, she was sure her stomach had embedded itself deep in the ground between her feet...she closed her eyes, willing this to be over...not wanting it to because she knew the whole world was about to change with her next words...and probably not for the best.
"I can't Teren," she whispered, "I...love you...but as a friend..."
Yukio waited for the world to come to a screeching halt then...or for the sky to come crashing down on both of them. It was the least of the disasters she was expecting to visit them now.
The world didn't stop, however...and the heavens stayed where they were was well. In fact, nothing moved at all for several moments except the breeze, and a few birds overhead, making thier way to the nesting grounds for the night.
Yukio dared to open her eyes and look up, to see that Teren had closed his eyes as well. It didn't hide the pain that twisted his expression though. Yukio wished in that moment she could take those words back...take the past hour back, if only avoid this one moment. She had never wanted to see her best friend in this kind of pain...and certainly not because of something she had done. But she had done it...and somehow, in that light, it didn't seem worth it to have been honest with him...
"Teren...?" he still had hold of her hand, although the grip had grown slack. She wondered how long it would be before he would snatch that hand away, and, with that gesture, start to widen the new-found chasm between them. But the merchant didn't move his hand, only opened his eyes. The pain there echoed the frown he was trying to control as he studied Yukio.
Yukio, for her part, wanted to crawl away on her belly into the long grass, like the worm she was beginning to feel like...
"I'm sorry..." she started, but Teren suddenly shook his head, breaking his own rigid stance. The expression of pain vanished as he gently brushed one of her cheeks and then carefully let go of her hand.
"Don't be, Yukio. You were honest with me...and for that I am thankful. At least...now I know where we stand with each other. That's something I'd always valued about you...and I still do..." his voice, for a wonder, was steady, even comforting. He dared her gaze once more and smiled, and although it was tinged with sadness, there was no reproach...no accusation. He glanced at the setting sun, then back to her.
"I should get you home," he said softly, as if the past half-hour had not been any different than any other time they'd spent together, "Those mountain paths are a pain to navigate in the dark."
Numbly, Yukio nodded her agreement, stooping to help him gather the basket, blanket, food, and saki packing them up carefully but with practiced ease. With a final glance to the plains around them, now growing a rosy color in the setting sun, Teren took Yukio's hand one more time and led her home.
Neither spoke as they made thier way through the small valley that connected the Calm Lands to Mount Gagazet...nor did they look at each other, but simply concentrated on putting one foot before the other, crossing the bridge, following the main path up into the mountain itself until they reached the first fork and turned to traverse the less used of the two to Yukio's home. Finally, as the last of the day's light faded, they made it to the front porch of Yukio's home.
Teren settled the basket on the ground between them, and allowed his head to list sideways as he looked at her, his expression unreadable. Yukio could only look back, wondering what he was thinking, feeling now...knowing he was probably hurt...and wondering just had badly damaged their friendship was.
And whether or not she would see him again after tonight...
"Nikial wants us to practice tommorrow," she said softly, "Will you be there...?"
For a moment, she thought that maybe Teren wouldn't answer...but then he nodded. "Yeah...we still need it and it will keep him busy..." he said. He let the silence stretch for a moment longer before he stepped forward, gently hugging Yukio and then letting her go.
"I'll see you tommorrow," he said, gently kissed her forhead, then turned abruptly and disappeared into the gathering darkness without another word or glance back. Soon, even the soft rustle of grasses that marked his passing faded and went silent, and the cricket songs that filled the silence afterwards covered any other sound....as if he had never been there.
Yukio stood there for a long time before she turned, letting herself inside.
The thundering waves are caling me home...home to you The pounding sea is calling me home...home to you...
On a dark New Years night, on the west coast of Clare I heard your voice, singing Your eyes danced the song, your hands played the tune 'Twas a vision before me
We left the music behind, and the dance carried on As we stole our way to the sea shore We smelt the brine, felt the wind in our hair And with sadness you paused...
Suddenly I knew, that you'd have to go, Your world was not mine, your eyes told me so Yet it was there, I felt the cross-roads of time And I wondered why....
As we cast our gaze on the tumbling sea A vision came over me Of thundering hooves and beating wings In the clouds above
As I turned to go, heard you call out my name You were like a bird in a cage, spreading its wings to fly "The Old Ways are lost" you sang as you flew And I wondered why....
The thundering waves are calling me home....home to you The pounding sea is calling me home...home to you....
*******************************************
So this is how it is....Yukio thought, sitting in shock on the boulder Teren had led her to. He was still there, standing in front of her, the happy and pleased grin still spread upon his face, waiting as she tried to process, for the third time, just what, exactly, he had asked her only a moment before.
"Marry you?" she said, feeling rather stupid. It just wasn't making any sense to her. She brushed silken white hair from her face and peered up at him quizzically, deep blue eyes made deeper by the confusion there. "You want me...to marry you."
"Yeah." the young merchant grinned wider as he kneeled next to her, his own ebony hair sliding into his eyes as well. He, however, did not push aside the whispy bangs, but only peered through them with an earnest look, dark grey eyes scanning hers for the answer that had not been voiced.
Yukio was unable to voice much of anything. This had come from so far out in left field that it completely blind-sided her. An answer of any sort was just about impossible, if for no other reason than because she just couldn't wrap her mind around the concept. Certainly, all the signs were there...a blanket with a picnic dinner on it. Food they both loved but which was usually difficult to get where they lived...the white roses which he had joked upon giving her that they would simply disappear into her hair if she wore them...even the promise ring which he had handed her, a half minute before those fated words had passed his lips. She really should have seen this coming. Where had her much vaunted clear thinking been during all of this? Other than slightly buzzed from the plum saki Teren had brought along.
Actually, she was feeling enough out of sorts and unbalanced that she wondered if another clear thought would ever cross her mind again.
She bravely tried to struggle past all that though, "....Marry..." nothing was following that one word....
"Me. Yes. Exactly." Teren's smile turned gentle as he reached out, taking one of her hands and enfolding it in his. His eyes , just as gentle, were starting to turn a little concerned, "I've been thinking about it for a long time now..." he said quietly, "We're best friends, we understand each other better then we understand anyone else, we enjoy each others company, we like a lot of the same things, but we can be different too and it doesn't bother us...And I'm always looking to see you when I'm away, I miss you like nothing else when I'm gone...and...it's...lonely without you. Yukio, I just can't see my life without you...I love you..."
Yukio blinked, feeling a little pale. True, so many of the things he said were true for both of them. They were constant companions when Teren's merchant family was not traveling abroad for business, enjoying everything together, sharing things neither would share with any other person...he was her friend, confidant, partner in crime, as she was for him. There wasn't a moment in time that she was happier than when they were together, enjoying each others company. She missed him terribly when he was gone, and she was happy to see him when he came back. But...although he was her best friend, and she counted the days when he was away...although she knew she could trust him with anything, including her heart and soul...she didn't love him....at least...not the way he seemed to love her. Not enough to marry him...
Yukio looked down at their entwined hands, feeling several emotions all at once...anything from shock, to uncertainty, to a wistful sadness. But nothing that would qualify as an answering 'Yes', or as a love that would last an entire lifetime bound to him. Nothing that told her that this was it...that Teren was the man she wanted to marry. Rather, the idea felt like more of a death knell...off and wrong...and not at all what should happen.
Teren took her silence for the shock it was, but wasn't aware of any of the other nuiances that ran through his friends' mind. Instead, he took the stunned silence as something else altogether.
"I know its a shock," he said quietly, "And you really haven't had a chance to think about it...if you need time, just tell me," he looked at her, grey eyes meeting blue, and smiled carefully, "I can wait until you're ready..."
Yukio felt the pit of her stomach sink to somewhere around her feet. She had thought about it...a lot...ever since they had first met 9 years ago. The answer had always been the same throughout the years...she loved him...but as a friend, as family...even as a brother...but never...as this.
She looked up at Teren, and shook her head, a bittersweet smile on her face. "I already know my answer, Teren..." she said softly, and then looked away to the ground. The grass under and around her feet ruffled in the ever- present breeze that made its way across the Calm Lands. Reluctant to give her answer, even though she knew she had to give it now, she let herself get absorbed in the lush greenery. She doubted it would ever look so green again to her...
She looked up as she felt Teren give her hand a supportive squeeze, and felt her heart clench tight again at his hopeful look. This time, she was sure her stomach had embedded itself deep in the ground between her feet...she closed her eyes, willing this to be over...not wanting it to because she knew the whole world was about to change with her next words...and probably not for the best.
"I can't Teren," she whispered, "I...love you...but as a friend..."
Yukio waited for the world to come to a screeching halt then...or for the sky to come crashing down on both of them. It was the least of the disasters she was expecting to visit them now.
The world didn't stop, however...and the heavens stayed where they were was well. In fact, nothing moved at all for several moments except the breeze, and a few birds overhead, making thier way to the nesting grounds for the night.
Yukio dared to open her eyes and look up, to see that Teren had closed his eyes as well. It didn't hide the pain that twisted his expression though. Yukio wished in that moment she could take those words back...take the past hour back, if only avoid this one moment. She had never wanted to see her best friend in this kind of pain...and certainly not because of something she had done. But she had done it...and somehow, in that light, it didn't seem worth it to have been honest with him...
"Teren...?" he still had hold of her hand, although the grip had grown slack. She wondered how long it would be before he would snatch that hand away, and, with that gesture, start to widen the new-found chasm between them. But the merchant didn't move his hand, only opened his eyes. The pain there echoed the frown he was trying to control as he studied Yukio.
Yukio, for her part, wanted to crawl away on her belly into the long grass, like the worm she was beginning to feel like...
"I'm sorry..." she started, but Teren suddenly shook his head, breaking his own rigid stance. The expression of pain vanished as he gently brushed one of her cheeks and then carefully let go of her hand.
"Don't be, Yukio. You were honest with me...and for that I am thankful. At least...now I know where we stand with each other. That's something I'd always valued about you...and I still do..." his voice, for a wonder, was steady, even comforting. He dared her gaze once more and smiled, and although it was tinged with sadness, there was no reproach...no accusation. He glanced at the setting sun, then back to her.
"I should get you home," he said softly, as if the past half-hour had not been any different than any other time they'd spent together, "Those mountain paths are a pain to navigate in the dark."
Numbly, Yukio nodded her agreement, stooping to help him gather the basket, blanket, food, and saki packing them up carefully but with practiced ease. With a final glance to the plains around them, now growing a rosy color in the setting sun, Teren took Yukio's hand one more time and led her home.
Neither spoke as they made thier way through the small valley that connected the Calm Lands to Mount Gagazet...nor did they look at each other, but simply concentrated on putting one foot before the other, crossing the bridge, following the main path up into the mountain itself until they reached the first fork and turned to traverse the less used of the two to Yukio's home. Finally, as the last of the day's light faded, they made it to the front porch of Yukio's home.
Teren settled the basket on the ground between them, and allowed his head to list sideways as he looked at her, his expression unreadable. Yukio could only look back, wondering what he was thinking, feeling now...knowing he was probably hurt...and wondering just had badly damaged their friendship was.
And whether or not she would see him again after tonight...
"Nikial wants us to practice tommorrow," she said softly, "Will you be there...?"
For a moment, she thought that maybe Teren wouldn't answer...but then he nodded. "Yeah...we still need it and it will keep him busy..." he said. He let the silence stretch for a moment longer before he stepped forward, gently hugging Yukio and then letting her go.
"I'll see you tommorrow," he said, gently kissed her forhead, then turned abruptly and disappeared into the gathering darkness without another word or glance back. Soon, even the soft rustle of grasses that marked his passing faded and went silent, and the cricket songs that filled the silence afterwards covered any other sound....as if he had never been there.
Yukio stood there for a long time before she turned, letting herself inside.