Halo: Combat Devolved
By Agent Smith
---
Floating through the silence of space was a gigantic ring-world, orbiting a large orange gas giant. Closing in on it was a massive ship. Written on the side of this ship, in white letters, was...
'THE COLUMN OF FALL'
Keyes: Cortana, all I need to know is did we lose them?
Captain Keyes was incharge of the Column of Fall. He stood on the bridge, overlooking the large ring-world before him, but more worried about the EVIL Covenant that had just chased them halfway across the universe.
Cortana: I think we both know the answer to that Captain... Hell no. They are closing in on us as we speak!
Cortana was the ships really bitchy and smart-assed AI. Like they had enough to worry about from the Covenant, they needed a wiseass to give them information.
Cortana: Yeah, I'm pretty sure you though we could outrun them, even if we made a blind jump. Guess what, they can still track us-
Keyes: Shut up. Whats the count?
Some Crewman: A whole lot of capital ships. We're screwed.
Keyes: Okay, I'm initiating Cole Protocol 2... Everyone prepare our defenses and- RUN!!
Captain Keyes quickly jetted out the door, with everyone looking blankly.
Cortana: Uhh, okay... Someone go wake up the CHIEF.
---
A large cryochamber housed a single cryotube, in it was the most awesome fighting force in the galaxy, MASTER CHIEF. Legend has it that when he blinks, he causes Covenant ships to explode and monkeys to fly out of my ass.
The Chief's cryotube began to unthaw. It opened, and Master Chief stepped out in the presence of an unworthy mortal.
Crewman: Okay Chief, I have to collaberate your- ACK
Master Chief grabbed the tutorial guy and strangled him. There would be no tutorials today.
Intercom: Chief, this is Captain Keyes, report to the bridge immediately.
Master Chief ran through the doors into the main corridor. Explosions and other eye candy were going off. Master Chief eventually reached another corridor, when he noticed to his left several Covenant troops firing on him.
Master Chief: I may not have a weapon, but I'll strangle you all with my BARE HANDS!
Master Chief lunged for the stationary Covenant, but was stopped by an invisible wall.
Master Chief: What the?
Shortly after, the airlock began to close, sealing the Chief from his prey.
Master Chief: Bah, cheap game physics!
---
On the bridge...
Master Chief: Captain Keyes... SO YOU'RE BEHIND THIS EVIL COVENANT INVASION!
Keyes: Uhh, no Master Chief. We need you to get Cortana off this ship before the Covenant capture her and cyber-rape.. I mean... get Earth's location from her.
Master Chief: Why bother? They already find out about Earth in the sequel.
Keyes: How the hell did you know that?
Master Chief: Someone spoiled it for me on a GameFAQs forum.
Keyes: Uhh, whatever, you still need to go down there so you can eventually destroy that ring too. See, I can soil-, I mean, spoil myself too!
Cortana: Okay dumbass, whatever. Chief... Me... Inside your head... NOW.
Master Chief looks down at his pants.
Cortana: Arrgh, man-bots. INSIDE YOUR NEURAL SYSTEM STUPID.
Master Chief pulled some magic with his hands and a monkey out of his ass and made Cortana go inside his neural network.
Cortana: I can see your underpants in here, kekeke.
Master Chief: Don't get any ideas.
Keyes: Uhh, you guys just completely reversed roles in like a period of 2 script lines.
Master Chief: Shut up... Shut up.. SHUT UP
---
Outside the bridge, several Grunts with an apparent death wish gathered outside of the bridge. They would be the first of many to be slaughtered by the Chief in this game.
Grunt 1: Gee, wonder why the Elite made us guard this hallway.
Grunt 2: Perhaps it had something to do with us crashing his ghost last night?
Grunt 1: Nah, maybe he feels we've been doing good, and sent us to this empty hallway to keep us out of danger.
Suddenly, Master Chief walked out of the bridge. Two gunshots later, the Grunts lay dead on the floor.
Master Chief then ran into the mess hall, guns blazing.
Master Chief: DIE YOU EVIL COVENANT SCUM, DIE!!
Elite: We're not evil, we're just morally challenged.
After a nice spray and pray by his freshly picked up Assault Rifle, the Covenant forces in the mess hall lay dead. Except for one.
Elite: Arrgh, all I wanted was some hotdogs, but instead, you bring me a fresh serving of DEATH to eat. Wait till I submit this 'How was the service' card I just filled out. dies
Master Chief skipped half the level which had no significant plot points anyways, and was mostly tutorial, and got to the escape pod area. A significant Covenant force was guarding it.
Elite: So, its the one they call Master Chief, the demon. I am warrior Kraglotek, tribesman of the 3 Great Suns. I have been sent by my people to kill yo-
Master Chief stuck a plasma grenade to Kraglotek's face.
Kraglotek: This is going to be a humiliating, unjustified, and probably long ridiculed death. Fuck you God. explodes
The explosion caused a chain reaction amongst the other grenades on the floor, killing everyone but a sole Grunt.
Grunt: No, please human! Please spare me, I have a wife and kid! My life insurance is paid off tommorow!
But Master Chief coldly cocked his rifle and blew the Grunt away, then hopped into the escape pod for the getaway.
America's Most Wanted: This has been a reinactment of the crime. If you have seen this man, Master Chief, please contact your local authorities immediately. Suspect is considered armed, dangerous, and was last seen heading towards Halo on a very sucky escape pod.
Meanwhile, the Grunt's wife went bankrupt, had to sell her kids into slavery, and later died a life of prostitution and disease. Yeah. REAL Heroism Chief!
---
To be continued...