A/N: Eek, I've finally delving back into the world of fanfic :o. It's been a while but procrastination from writing my dissertation has set in. Not a fandom I've written in before so I'm a bit nervous. I never know if I've got the characters right so I hope everyone enjoys.
Disclaimer: I don't own Hollyoaks or any or the characters associated. I just think Ste and Doug are adorable.
Never Enough
Sometimes I see him look at me and I wonder what he sees in me. I honestly don't know. I'm a mass of raging insecurities and I can't help but think that one day he'll just walk away, unable to take me anymore. I always wonder why he is with me. I look at who he was with before me and I think that I'm just boring in comparison. I'm certainly not Brendan and I could never compare to him in any way.
I love Ste, there's no doubt about that, but I don't think I can ever be enough for him. I can't get Brendan out of my head and it cripples me to think about him and Ste together. I worry that one day Ste will realise just how much he loves Brendan and I'll just be left by the wayside, heartbroken and alone.
I don't think I could take the heartbreak, it would just be too much for me to handle. How could we even go on working together, it would kill me to see them together every day, happy and for me to be in so much pain. I couldn't take it, I just couldn't. I know that if I tried to kill myself again then this time it would be successful.
The thing is, everything Ste says to me does not point to him leaving me for his psychopathic ex but my mind always goes to the worst possible scenario. He tells me he loves me and I know he means it but part of me knows he will always love Brendan more. I know I'm not enough to keep him happy forever and it's only a matter of time before he realises this. I couldn't even sleep with him straight away because I was so afraid I couldn't live up to his expectations. I bet Brendan never had that problem.
I'm lying in Ste's bed right now and I can't sleep because my mind just keeps going round and round in circles. Ste is lying next to me, snoring lightly but I can't seem to find any comfort in his arms. I feel him stir beside me so I close my eyes and pretend to be asleep.
"You okay?" I hear him ask but I don't respond. "I know you're awake so don't go pretending you're asleep."
I groan lightly. "I'm fine," I tell him.
"Then why're ya awake at this time?"
"I'm just thinking."
"Well stop, you're keeping me up," he tells me jokingly and plants a kiss on my cheek as he runs his hand up my arm. He's trying to sooth me but it doesn't work. "Go to sleep," he wraps an arm around me and buries his head in my shoulder and he's fallen back to sleep again within minutes. I'm still lying here wide awake though.
Because no matter what he says and no matter what he does I can never get rid of the feeling that I'm not enough for him.
I'll never understand what he sees in me.