Jeri-Claus
It was Christmas Eve. Chris Jericho never would have thought to find himself in the predicament he was in today. He looked down at his red suit trimmed in white and patted his "belly". He adjusted the pillow under the suit, turned sideways in the mirror, and glared.
"Hey baby." Adam yawned sauntering over, shirtless with his blonde hair still messy from sleep.
"Don't 'hey baby' me." Chris grumped. "It's because of you that I'm doing this."
Adam wrapped his arms around Chris waist and grinned before nibbling at his ear.
"I think you look cute. I won't hold it against you."
"Hold what against me?" Chris asked raising an eyebrow at his partner.
"The weight you put on!" Adam gave Chris's pillow tummy a big pinch and sprinted away laughing as Chris hurled a shoe at him. It hit the bathroom door just after Adam disappeared behind it.
"Why did I ever take that bet?" Chris sighed. He picked up the white beard and grimaced. After much debate he gave in and put the fake beard on and completed the ensemble with the Santa hat perched on his head. Once he had the whole thing completed he couldn't keep his frown in place, he burst into a grin and then into laughter. "I'm probably going to be the sexiest mall Santa in the whole history of mall Santas!"
Chris got to the mall just before opening and found the large display set up in the middle of it. There was a huge, glimmering Christmas tree and in front of it was a life sized sleigh with four realistic looking reindeer harnessed to it. A sack of gifts spilled from the back and petting one of the reindeer was a teenage girl dressed as an elf. Chris was a little let down, he was hoping for a sexier elf. He smirked envisioning Adam dressed up as Santa's helper, he'd make a damn sexy elf.
"Hi." The girl said stepping away from the reindeer. She extended her hand. "I'm Lindsay. You must be Chris, today's guest Santa."
"That's me." Chris ignored her outstretched hand and climbed awkwardly into the sleigh.
"Are you afraid of shaking hands?" Lindsay asked. Sticking her hand out once more. Chris leaned back in the sleigh and pulled the itchy beard away from his face.
"Nah, it's just those reindeer are unsanitary."
The girl blinked at him.
"What?"
"Yeah, they probably lick their goods and sniff each other's asses…y'know like dogs do."
The girl pressed a hand to her giggling mouth.
"What?" Chris asked with a shrug.
"That's not something you expect to hear from Santa Claus."
"Well, I'm not your usual jolly-holly, bowl full of jelly, corn-cob pipe type of Santa Claus." Chris pulled off his hat and waved it in front of his face. "It's hot in this damn suit. Think the parents would mind if I stripped down to my boxers? Don't worry, they're festive."
Lindsay ignored his question and reached up to fix his beard.
"Put your hat back on too. The mall's about to open and you know how it is on Christmas Eve. There's a huge line of people outside."
"Bah, humbug." Chris muttered plopping the hat atop his head.
"No, that would be 'ho-ho-ho'." Lindsay corrected with a little smile.
Chris groaned as the mall doors were opened and frantic shoppers, screaming children, and mad-dashing mothers descended upon the mall and its main attraction: Santa Claus.
"Hi little boy." Chris had only sat a few children on his knee and was already getting sick and tired of the Santa deal. "What's your name?"
The little boy cowered and stared up at Chris with wide, tearful eyes.
"Er, don't be scared, it's just me, jolly ol' Santa Claus!"
The boy bit his trembling lip and blinked, tears spilled from his eyes.
"Ho-ho-ho?" Chris tried. The little boy opened his mouth and unleashed the worst sound Chris had ever heard. It even outdid Jillian's singing. He covered his ears and cringed as the kid wailed in his face. "Get him off of me!" Chris begged. Lindsay scooped the terrified youngster out of Chris's lap and handed the bawler to his mother.
"You're not supposed to frighten them!" Lindsay hissed. Chris shook his head and dug his pinky into his ear as though trying to restore his hearing.
"What?"
"I SAID DON'T SCARE THE KIDS!"
"It's not like I'm the Undertaker!" Chris shot back. Lindsay just handed him another child. This time it was a little girl with a snotty nose.
"Hi Midder Sanna!" The girl looked up at Chris happily and snuffled her nose with a loud, sickening gurgle that made his stomach turn.
"Hi…what's you're name?"
"Kayla." Green goo oozed from her nose as she smiled up at Santa Claus eagerly.
"Have you been good this year?"
The little girl bobbed her head up and down in an exaggerated motion of excitement. The greenish ooze slid over her lips and she licked them. Chris willed himself not to puke.
"Well, I was sorta good. I only did one bad thing an' that's when I pushed my 'ittle brother off the slide at the park an' he falled off and broked his arm." She snuffed her nose again sending a snot bubble from one crusty nostril. Do-not-throw-up!
"Heh, well…you've been good enough. Brother's are a pain anyway."
"Yeah. But I'm a pretty nice sister 'cause I promised him I would tell ya his Christmas list too."
"He's not here?" Chris asked.
"Nope, he's at home. He gots stripped throat."
Great…
The little girl told Santa Chris her wish list along with her brothers. When she was finished she pressed her slimy, snotty, lips to Chris' cheek for a kiss. When she hopped down Chris shuddered and scrubbed his cheek on the back of his furry suited arm. Lindsay sent him a slight glare but he ignored her. When he got his first break of the day he was throwing his Santa hat in the garbage and getting the hell out of there.
"I don't wanna!" The next child, a boy of about three, screamed as his mother lifted him up onto the sleigh.
"Hi little boy. What's your name?" Chris tried to ask cheerfully.
"Bruce!" The little boy crossed his arms over his chest and pouted defiantly. He sent an angry glare to his mother who squatted to snap a picture of her son with Santa.
"Have you been good this year Bruce?"
"No!" Little Bruce shouted and in one quick motion kicked Santa between the legs and scrambled down the other side of the sleigh to run into the crowd.
"Ooooh…" Chris doubled over in pain. Lindsay was tugging at his arm asking if he was alright. He snapped his head up losing his Santa hat and revealing his bleached hair. She quickly grabbed it and pulled it back over his head. "Do I look okay? I've been here about fifteen minutes and I lose hearing in one ear, get snotted on by a kid who's a walking germ, and then to top it off nice little Bruce decides to jingle Santa's bells!"
Lindsay seemed to be trying not to laugh, although to Chris there was absolutely nothing funny about the situation. He turned to the long line that snaked around a corner and went on for God only knew how long. Some of the parents near the front who had just heard his rant drew their lips into angry little puckers and furrowed their brows in aggravation at how their mall Santa was acting. Chris rolled his eyes upset with all of them. Why would any parent bring their child to a stranger, have them set on their lap, and then get promised gifts? Yet parents tell their children not to take candy from strange men.
"Just give me the next rugrat. The sooner this is over, the better."
Lindsay handed him the next child, a little baby with a red bow in its scant hair. Chris held it for the mother to take a photo and the child promptly spewed white vomit down his red suit. Following that was a little girl who kept digging at her hair. Chris swore he saw tiny bugs. He only hoped he didn't get head lice. What a day this was turning out to be.
Chris ran a hand through his hair. He had managed to get through the first half of the day. He was now on his first break. Lindsay sat across from him studying his face intently while she nibbled a granola bar. A few security officers congregated around the vending machines and sniggered at him while sipping on cola and eating junk food.
"It wasn't so bad was it?" Lindsay asked hopefully. Chris threw his hat at her as his answer.
"You're cute when you pout." She poked his nose with the tip of her finger then blushed.
"I'm not pouting." Chris smiled. "You're cute when you blush."
"I'm not blushing." She defended and tossed the hat back to him.
"Look Linds, why don't you and I just split. A teenage girl must have something better to do than dress in an elf costume and hand kids to Santa all day."
"Well, I could go home and watch my John Cena dvd again." She teased. "He's just the greatest!" She couldn't seem but help to squeal a little fan girlish, which caused her to blush again.
"What? No. I won't let you pollute your mind that way. Why can't you be like other teenagers and do something constructive like um…well…read a book or something."
Lindsay snorted laughter.
"You do not know about teenagers do you?"
"Not really." Chris shrugged and fixed his beard.
"Right, you're old aren't you?" Lindsay dashed away from the break room laughing and holding on to her green elf hat. Chris knew she was only teasing but he couldn't help but humor her by chasing her until they reached the sleigh again.
"You're…fast." Chris huffed as he climbed back into the sleigh.
"No." Lindsay whispered with a smirk. "You're just old." She helped two little boys up onto sleigh. They immediately began to bicker.
"I want to sit there!" The first said shoving the second one away.
"No, me!" The second one hollered shoving his brother even harder.
"Hey guys, there's enough room on Santa's lap for two little boys." That sounded so wrong. Chris thought to himself. The first little boy perched himself on Chris' left knee. The other one scowled at his brother and climbed onto the other.
"I wanted to sit there!" The second boy pouted sticking his lip out. His brother responded by sticking his tongue out and blowing raspberries. Chris got a face full of spit.
"Hey, stop fighting or you both get lumps of coal!" He barked. The two boys straightened up and look at Santa innocently.
"We wasn't fightin'." The raspberry blowing boy said sweetly.
"I love my brother." Said the other and he even went so far as to lean over and hug the first boy who struggled not to make a sickish face.
"That's good boys. So what do you two want for Christmas?"
"Well I want--"
"He asked me first!"
"Nuh-uh I get to go first!"
"No me ya poop head!"
"No me! And I'm tellin' mom that you called me a poop head, ya butt brain!"
"Boys, stop it! You can both tell me what you want okay?"
The two boys rattled off their demands at the same time interrupting each other and shoving one another when they saw fit.
"…and I also want a Batman and a--"
"No, I want a Batman!"
"No I said it first!"
"But I want it more!"
"Nuh-uh I want it more!"
"Boys! Boys, there are tons of Batmans…men…Batmen? Anyway whatever there are tons of action figures in the mall—er I mean Santa's workshop. You can both have Batman." Chris forced an exasperated smile at the two boys.
"Well I don't want Batman if he's getting Batman." The first boy whined. "I want Superman."
"No, I want Superman!"
Chris quickly handed the two boys off to their parents. He gave them a sympathetic look and wondered how they lived with those heathens. The next child wasn't any better.
"Are you real?" She asked squinting her eyes at him.
"Of course I'm real, little girl, just as real as you are! What's you're name?"
"Samantha."
"Sam have you been good this year?"
"Don't call me Sam!" The little girl snarled.
"Er, sorry. Samantha have you been--"
"No." The little girl interrupted. "I haven't been good. I hate my Mom and Dad. I hate my teachers too. I made my teacher cry."
"That wasn't very nice, you have to be good for Santa or else you might get a lump of coal."
"I know all about you." The little girl tugged on Chris' fake beard and the let it go with a stinging snap. "You're fake. You're just some dumbo in a suit, you think kids are all dumb. Well you aren't bringing me coal or presents because you're not real. My Mom and Dad are getting my gifts and they're getting me everything I want because if they don't I'll just scream and tell 'em how much I hate 'em."
Nice kid. The more I do this, the more I don't want any of my own.
"Hey everyone!" The little girl climbed to the front of the sleigh and stood up tall.
"Hey Sam, um I mean Samantha, I don't think you should climb--" Chris was interrupted once again by the little girls shouting.
"Santa Claus isn't real! He's fake! Your parents are lyin' to you!"
The line immediately erupted with crying children and shouts from angry parents. Chris shooed Samantha away and readjusted his beard. Parents hurled insults and threats at him about not being able to keep the girl under control and ruining Christmas for their children. Some even cursed or shook their fists at him. Many scooped their red faced and bawling children up and away from Santa Claus who had now been revealed as a phony. Lindsay pressed a hand to her forehead looking stressed. She tried to offer some apologies to parents and comfort to the kids. At least that will cause the line to thin out. Chris thought to himself. Maybe that Samantha girl had really been a blessing in disguise. If he really was Santa he would drop a pony down her chimney as a reward for chasing away some of the families.
"I don't believe her. I know you're real. I sawed you last year puttin' gifts under the Christmas tree." A small little boy with big glasses tugged on Chris' pant leg. Chris couldn't help but smile at his huge fishy eyes and gappy smile. He hoisted the boy up into the sleigh.
"I bet you've been really good haven't you?"
"Yes sir Mister Santa Claus sir. I been real good."
"What do you want for Christmas?"
"A Dad."
How was Chris supposed to respond to that?
"Where is your dad?" Great, way to open up a can of worms. He could have run off and left, be dead, in prison, serving overseas, who knows what?
"I don't know. But see I gots two moms and kids make fun of me all the time." The little boy hung his head sadly.
"That's stupid. Some kids just like to be mean. There's nothing wrong with having two moms." Chris patted the kid on the shoulder.
"There ain't nothin' wrong with it mister Santa Claus sir?" The kid pushed his glasses up and blinked his huge eyes.
"No, I'm gay myself." Chris blurted out before he could think.
"You ARE?"
"Well, um, what I meant was uh…"
"Hey everybody guess what!" The little boy stood up and hopped up and down happily.
Shit.
"Santa's GAY!"
Mall patrons stopped to turn and blink at the announcement of Santa's sexual orientation, more angry parents dragged their children away as some of the youngsters tried to ask what 'gay' was.
"Did I say somethin' bad?" The little boy asked innocently.
"No, just run along. Santa's going to give you something really cool for Christmas."
"Yay!" The boy jumped down from the sleigh and hugged his two Moms who smiled up at Chris.
Lindsay raised her eyebrows at him.
"You're just really good at this Santa thing." She said sarcastically and playfully. "Are you really gay?"
"Just hand me the next munchkin." Chris said stretching his arms out to receive the next. This was a toddler with a sagging, reeking, diaper. He sat the kid on his knee and literally felt the hotness of the overloaded diaper on his knee. He could only hope the diaper wasn't leaking. He put on a smile so the child's parent could take a quick picture. He handed the messy toddler back to the mother almost before the flash had gone off. The picture would probably turn out to be no more than a blur, but that kid was about to make Santa spew chunks.
As evening wore on the line finally dwindled down to a few last people who were laden with mountains of shopping bags and half asleep children.
"What do you want for Christmas?" Chris asked. The child just snored sleepily. He shrugged and handed the child to the parents.
"Mom, I don't feel good." A little boy with cornrows held his stomach and moaned to his mother. She ignored his whining and hoisted him up onto the sleigh.
"Smile for Mama!" The mother said.
The little boy turned to smile for the photo but instead threw up in Chris's lap and then started to cry. The mother took him away and tried to clean him up and offer comfort. Lindsay disappeared and came back with some towel. Chris had gone white looking down at the vomit in his lap, he was on the verge of heaving himself. Lindsay was nice enough to clean him up as best as she could.
"I'm giving you a bonus when we get finished here!" Chris let her know.
"You could just give me Cena's phone number." She grinned at him and blushed again.
"Why Cena? What does he have that I don't?"
"Where do you want me to start?" Lindsay kidded. She gave his knee a squeeze and helped another child up into the sleigh.
"Oh hell, whaddaya want kid?"
"Santa's not supposed to swear."
"Santa can do whatever he wants." Chris deadpanned back. The child was silent for a few moments then shrugged.
"I want a WWE ring and I want Undertaker to play with!" The kid said pumping his small fist in the air. "And a HBK man too!"
"You mean you want a Chris Jericho man to play with, right?"
"No. I don't like 'em he's a wuss."
"I am not! Uh, he is not, he's a superb athlete, very handsome, awesome, wonderful, magnificent, amazing--"
"Ahem." Lindsay coughed and sent Chris a smirk.
"Well Chris Jericho is a cool guy." He finished. The kid seemed to think it over for a few moments then nodded his decision.
"Okay. You can bring me a Chris Jericho man too. My Undertaker an' HBK gotta have someone to beat up on." With that the child slipped from Santa's lap and ran off to his Dad.
At last, the mall was closing. There were no more idiots standing in line with their children. Chris sighed happily and stepped down from the sleigh.
"I will never, ever, ever do that again. There was not one good thing about today!" Chris threw his Santa hat onto the floor and ground it with the heel of his boot. "Diiee!"
"You got to meet me. That was good, right?" Lindsay asked with a smile.
"Nicest elf I've ever met."
"Hey, mister?" Chris turned when he felt a strong hand on his shoulder. He found himself face to face with an irate looking man who had to be as big as Mark or Glen.
"Y-yes sir?"
"My kid told me you promised him a Playstation 3 and some games for it."
"Sir, I really don't remember. I've seen a lot of kids today."
"Oh, I know you did. My son got all upset when I told him he wasn't gettin' it. Do I look like I can afford a fucking Playstation 3?" The yelling man advanced on Chris who took a few steps back.
"Want me to call security?" Lindsay offered timidly.
"No, I can handle it." Chris said backing away. "Sir, please just calm down."
"Calm down? Me and my old lady both had to work just to take care of our family and we both got laid off from the same plant! Seems no one wants to hire a middle aged man without a high school education!" The man bellowed and continued advancing. His fists clenched tight. "You think I can afford to get my kid some fucking thing like that, huh? My kids are lucky they got food on the goddam table and a roof over their heads! How are they gonna feel when they get up Christmas morning and don't have all that shit you promised them under the tree!"
"Sir--"
The man knocked Chris into the sleigh before he could move out of the way and the whole sleigh, bag of gift wrapped boxes, and fake reindeer toppled over with the brawling, shouting, man and Santa on top of it. Lindsay shrieked and called for security.
"How are they gonna feel you fucking ass hole! How are my kids gonna feel!"
Security arrived a few moments later and pulled the man away from Chris. He staggered up to his feet and Lindsay hurried quickly to his side. His beard lay torn away on the floor stained with blood. His nose dripped and swelled, obviously broken. Lindsay helped him to the break room where he finally got his nose to quit bleeding. Before she left he called and arranged for tickets and backstage passes to be sent to Lindsay's famly for the next show that came in town. Lindsay hugged him goodbye and told him she hoped that when they met again she would see him in glitter, because it suited him much better than red and white fur.
Adam was lying on the bed when he heard the door slam nearly off its hinges. He took it as a signal that Chris was home. He scurried into the living room ready with a million questions and a million jokes to make fun of his lover but stopped short seeing Chris slouch to the couch.
"Oh my God." Adam tried not to giggle at Chris's condition. He look completely worn out, not to mention battered. His Santa suit was stained with various things that Adam didn't even care to know about, it was disheveled and torn, and his poor nose was swollen and colored a nasty purple. "What happened?"
"I lost a bet, remember?" Chris snarled.
"I know, but…I meant…" Adam trailed off.
"Spit on, snotted on, puked on twice, leaked on, laughed at, exposed to headlice, exposed to illnesses, screamed at, cursed at, hit in the groin, snapped with a fake beard, deafened, dissed repeatedly, exposed as gay, exposed as a phony, assaulted, and abused."
"Aw, I'm so sorry…"
"Sure you are." Chris grumped. Adam turned his blue eyes on Chris and he knew his lover really was concerned. "I've had worse I guess. I've been stuck with you as my soul mate. What could be worse? I'm just glad it's over. I just want out of this damn suit now."
Adam smiled back at him.
"That can be arranged. But first…" Adam eyed Chris up and down hungrily. "Do you have room on your lap for me?"
Chris pulled the pillow out from his suit and tossed it to the floor.
"Climb aboard."
Adam climbed onto Chris's lap straddling it. He formed his lips into a sexy pout and ran a hand through his blonde hair. Chris smirked.
"So tell me, have you been nice this year?"
"Oh no, I've been really…really…" Adam groaned breathlessly. He leaned close to Chris and took his lips in a passionate kiss that left his lips feeling raw and his head spinning. "Naughty." Adam finished with a groan. His hand roamed downwards finding its way between Chris' legs and stroking the thing that was pressing eagerly at the red fabric of the Santa suit. "But…" Adam leaned in and pressed his lips gently to Chris' ear and hissed. "I can be much naughtier."
"I won't tell the real Santa if you don't." Chris panted breathlessly as he peeled Adam's shirt away. "Just promise me one thing."
"What?"
"No more bets."
"Deal."
Adam led Chris to the bedroom.
"Hey Chris?"
"Yeah?"
"Wanna bet I can make you moan first?"
"NO!"
:) Cute and silly. My random Jericho muse is to thank, and once again he insisted on being paired with Adam. I think this pairing is becomming a favorite for some reason. Maybe I will write something serious about them sometime, but this was purely fun and hope you enjoyed it. Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. Reviews please! *gives everyone Gingerbread Miz and candy Kanes* :D