Tacita Sors
I don't think one heart can carry as much hatred as mine does. I don't think one heart shall be allowed to carry as my anger as mine does.
I'll never be the same...How could I? After...
Forks, of all the places, fate could've chose for me, it had to be the rainiest place in the country. Send a depressed person here, yeah good one. But I guess I don't deserve better. I'll never will. Not after what I did, not after what I didn't do.
My name is Alice Brandon, Mary Alice Brandon and I am a murderer.
Today was my first day in highschool, I once thought that it was great to start school. I once thought there was nothing more exiting than meeting new people. I don't anymore. I am here but I'd rather be somewhere else. I am always here instead of somewhere else.
People say I lost myself after the accident, truth is I didn't, I changed. No thing's ever lost everything is just changing.
At least here no one knew about me, about who I was, no familiar faces, no pity looks, no side glances. Here I was no one, I was anyone. And that's exactly what I wanted to be. At least that what I thought. Small towns! . I didn't even exit my car, people were already staring. I walked silently to the door, heading to the admissions.
"Hello, you must be the new girl! I am Sam" smiled a young boy at me.
Oh Sam, would you be so nice, if you knew me.
"Hello, I am Alice" I smiled back "I have to go grab my schedule"
"I'll come with you, and show you around" he smiled
"Thank you"
Will I have to fake smiles everyday! Tell me Sam!
"So you come from Mississippi?"
How do you know? What do you know?
"I am only saying that because of your accent, was I right?" he kept smiling
"Yes, you are" I said blankly
"That's cool, I mean it'll take you a while to adapt to the weather, Forks isn't sunny everyday" he laughed
Dear small talk, you have been missed. Welcome back!
"Yes I guessed" I was pretty proud of my false laugh.
I can act after all
"Here is the administration office, I'll see you later Alice, it was nice meeting you"
"You too, thanks for guiding me" I smiled.
As soon as he gave me his back, my fake smile disappeared. I'll get better at this. Will I ever smile for real again. Did I want to?
I was legally called an emancipated kid, but I wasn't neither emancipated nor a kid anymore.
Being a kid implies that you have innocence, that you haven't seen how ugly the world really is, and being emancipated means that your parents gave away their parental rights. My parents didn't they were dead. Dead because I couldn't save them. Dead because I once were a kid.
My first lunch break in Forks high school, final arrived. I hoped I will find a table to sit alone, and be able to not talk to anyone. I didn't. Sam introduced me to his friends and made me sat with them. I sound like an ungrateful b***. But it's not that, it's nice of them to try to make me feel welcomed, but the thing is I wish I was invisible, I wish I could just be invisible.
"So, Alice how are you liking Forks so far?" asked a girl named Jessica
"It 's cold but cool" I smiled.
"Yeah, right." laughed a boy named Mike
Just like that the whole table became silent, they all watched toward the cafeteria door, I did too.
No it's impossible Alice you are imagining things! Vampires!
"These are the Cullen's, all adopted by Doctor Cullen and his wife" said Jessica
They go to high school why would there be any vampires in Forks high school of all the places.
"The bronze haired guy is Edward, the blond girl is Rosalie and the big one is Emmett, the other boy is Jasper and the last one is Bella"
She was so beautiful, but then again she was designed to be. Their eyes were golden, and not red. What did it mean.
The girl named Bella,turned and smiled at me, a beautiful big smile, on her flawless face. I didn't smile back, but it took me all the strength in the world. I am going to leave Forks. I am leaving tomorrow.
The boy named Edward was staring at me with a look of pure shock. What has he never seen a girl.
That was a stupid thought. Maybe he just wants to suck you dry. That's more plausible. Breathe, breathe, Calm down, I don't have to stay. I can't stay. I never want to see vampires again, I never want to see them again.
The boy named Edward took his eyes off me, and whispered something in Jasper's ear. A wave of calm suddenly passed through me.
Okay, think Alice, think. You left your hometown to escape the same specie that is having lunch a few feet away from me.
"Hey, Alice!" said Mike shaking me gently
"Oh sorry" I said
"It's okay, I guess we all were struck by their beauty the first time" he smiled.
Their beauty! I couldn't care less about their beauty, most beautiful things in this life are poisoned.
"I have to go" I got up and left the cafeteria.
I will go home pack my stuff, I have enough money to leave, plus it wasn't too late to change school.
"Wait up" I heard behind me.
The Cullen's were following me. All of them. Five of them.
"What?" I said harshly
"We mean no harm"
I scoffed.
Yeah sure!
When I looked up, the girl named Bella, looked like I just stabbed her.
"What do you want?" I asked less harshly this time
"We want to know, how you know what we are?" said Edward
"One information for another"
"Okay" he agreed
"I've met those of your kind in the past. Now my turn, why your eyes are gold and not red?"
"Because we feed of animals not humans" said Bella.
Of course they'd lie. Haven't I learned a single thing.
"She is not lying, we only feed of animals."
"Are we going to have problems with you?" snarled at me the blond girl.
A groan escaped Bella's throat.
"Rosalie!"
What! is she seriously defending me. Maybe they feed of animals after all. It doesn't matter I am leaving.
"You don't have to leave town" said Edward " We won't hurt you"
"How do you know what I want?" I hissed
"I can read minds" he said
"Edward, she doesn't need to know" snarled again Rosalie
He can read minds just what I needed! Stop thinking! Run! Stop thinking.
He chuckled.
"Look Alice, we mean you no harm, please keep silent about what you know"he pleaded
I don't want to go back to an asylum, damn right I'll keep silent.
"Okay, deal. I'll stay in Forks and will not talk about you guys."
I let that go too easily, what was I suppose to do, if I said no I would end up dying, maybe that's what I deserve after all. I didn't give my parents choice.
I started walking again. I am skipping school today. Too much to think about.
"Hey wait" It was Bella alone this time
I stopped and stared at her, I hoped my face was blank. I hope she doesn't know I am struggling, because I want to talk to her so bad, I want to get to know her. Maybe it's a Stockholm syndrome. The hell I know. I am not suppose to tolerate vampires.
"I wanted to apologize for Rosalie's behavior and thank you, for not saying anything"
I nodded, and started walking again. I know rude!
"Wait up" she called again, smiling sheepishly at me.
A part of the cold jail, I trapped my heart in melted.
"I wanted to introduce myself correctly. My name is Bella Cullen and I hope we could be friends"
"Nice to meet you, my name is Alice Brandon and I don't do friends" I said.
Again she looked like I stabbed her.
"Look I am sorry, it's not you, or even the fact that you are what you are. It's just...Forget it" I said
She still looked sad. The hell I care about her feelings. Do they even have feelings?
"Okay, it's okay" she said walking away from me.
I ran out of school, jumped in my car and drove away.
Vampires! Again. It was too soon. Too soon. Way too soon.
When I was a little girl I would get glimpses of the future. At first It only happened when I was asleep. I'd dream of what would happen school the next morning. I would dream of a surprise test. It was fun, I was happy with my gift. Troubles started when I started talking about it. Even my loving parents didn't seem happy about it. They send me to a therapist. He claimed I was fantasizing all that because I needed attention. Stupid useless, incompetent prick.
My state wasn't getting better, I was still getting visions at night, but I lied about it. So for a few months everything was okay again. But I started having my flashed in the morning when I was wide awake. They hit me in public. Lying wasn't possible anymore. My lovely therapist suggested occasional asylum treatments. At first my parents refused but then they said it was for the better. What was once occasional became regular. I only got out for vacations or birthdays.
Last year, I had a vision while I was asleep, it was one of two men and a girl, stopping at my parents house asking for a shelter. My father didn't have the time to answer that one of the men showed fangs and drank all his blood. My mother screamed but had the same end only this time inflected by the red-haired girl.
I woke up, sweating. I thought it was a dream. I was sure It was a dream. How could I've guessed that Vampires were real. How could I guess?
It doesn't matter you should've. Right I should've I could've save them. But I didn't I am an idiot. A idiot full of regret. I'll never forgive myself for that mistake.
I kept dreaming about these red eyed monsters, but it was only at night. Like fate found it funny to torture me.
One day it hit me in the day, In the bright light. I knew it wasn't a dream. But it was too late when I called home a police officer answered the phone and was sorry for my loss. Did he even know what I lost. Everything. That's what I lost everything I ever had and everything I'll ever have will be lost sacrificed on the guilt altar.
That's why I am here, alone, because I couldn't prevent my parent's death despite the signs! Damn it despite seeing it clearly. Because apart my parents I had no one. Because after they found out that my medical record I was doing fine, that took a lot of lying, they set me free from the asylum. Free to blow my legacy. Because I wasn't worthy of anything anymore. Was I?
I don't blame the Cullen's for what others did, and I shouldn't have been harsh to them. If my parents were murdered by humans I wouldn't be mad at every human I met.
Especially not at Bella, I don't know how to explain it but she got in. All these years I've kept people out especially since ….their death. But she got in. And I don't know How. And I don't know what to do about it.
Here I don't know what it's worth. Let me know if I should keep going or move to something else :)
Thank you