by Aerith & Missy
Reno: Yummmm, these grinders are yummy....yummmm.
Elena: I've had better.....
Tseng: Yeah, the cheese tastes like poopy....but oh well, Rufus doesn't pay us enough to eat at a French Restaurant every day...
Rude: I know.
Rufus: (walks in) Turks, I-(all of a sudden, Rufus gets stage fright, and pees his pants and runs out of the lounge)
Tseng:.....??
Rude: What the hell?
Elena: (nits eyebrows)
Reno: (spits food out into a napkin) SHIT! THAT CHEESE SUCKS!
Turks: (stare at Reno)
Reno: (anime lightbulb pops up above his head, and "dings") HEY! I've got an idea!
Rude: Woulda' never guessed it.
Elena: Hoo boy. watch out.
Reno: BUUUUT, it's only a certain something to share with Rude, nobody else.
Elena:.......!!
Tseng: And what is that?!
Reno: Well, I was-HEY YOU BASTARD! You were trying to trick me huh?
Tseng: Me? Never....
Elena: (whispering to Tseng) Damn, when did he start to catch on?
Tseng: (shrugs shoulders)
Reno: RUDE! Come here.
Rude: ( looks at his fellow Turks, a expression of horror spread across his face) Y-y-yea?
Reno: Come.
Rude: You don't have to tell me twice! I've got a bad feeling about this one.....Sweet! Let's go!
Reno:.....? Oookay?
Tseng: (whispering to Elena) Do you ever wonder.....(voice trails off)
Elena: All the time.
Reno: (Whispering to Rude) Heh, I've got an idea.
Rude: Yea?!
Reno: Yea, and just listen ok?
Rude: If you wanna dress me up as a Princess again for Halloween, I'm not going to do it. Last year, I peed my pants 20 times!
Reno: No no no, it's way better than that.
Rude: Do tell.
Reno: whisper whisper whisper
Rude: NICE!
Reno: Haha! You think it'll work!?
Rude: Hell yea!
[Turks Lounge, October 30]
Tseng: Hummm, I wonder if Rufus bought me that "new" tux yet for the party.
Rude: PARTY?!?
Tseng: Yea dumbass, Rufus' Halloween party tomorrow!
Rude: Will there be-?
Tseng: Yea, even wine coolers!
Rude: (drools)
Reno: Someone say something about an alcoholic beverage?
Rude: No Reno......(drools)
Tseng: (wondering why Rude is drooling at the sight of Reno)
Reno: Like my pin?
Tseng: Your what?
Reno: My pin damn it! I found it yesterday when I was.....ummm (thinking back to yesterday when he was digging through the ShinRa dumpster for "goodies")..........it was on the side walk.
Tseng: What does it say?
Reno: (reading the pin upside-down) It says; "I am Gay and you're not"...WHAT?!?! It never said that yesterday!!!
Tseng:..............(Elena walks in)
Elena: Why do you have that Uncle Sam Pin?!
Reno: Yeah! Uncle Sam! That's what was there yesterday!
Rude: Your pin just called me a whore!
Reno:....? Whore?
Rude: Ohhhhh, it's one of those holographic pins!!
Reno: What graphic?
Rude: holo
Reno: What?
Rude: holo, holo, holo!
Rufus: (walks in)....Yes Rude I am glad to see you too..(glares)
Tseng: Ummm....Sir, you didn't by chance stop by to give me that tux yet did you?
Rufus: No, I haven't had the time! Why is everyone always telling ME what to do?! I'm the President I'm the President!!!!
Rude: That's not a very good phrase to say...
Reno: Unless you're saying it to an intern...
Turks: (laugh their asses off)
Rufus: You say one more "bad" thing to me and you'll all be fired!!!!
Turks:.....(crickets are heard, then Reno farts)
Rufus: (starts to walk out)...Have a nice day... (reads Reno's pin and says)....Oh and Reno, I'll take you up on that offer....(smiles and walks out)
Elena: Offer???
Tseng: What the hell crawled up his ass all of a sudden?
Reno: Musta' been my Uncle Sam pin.....
Tseng: It's NOT an Uncle Sam pin Reno!!! It says; "I'll blow for food."
Reno: WHAT??!?!?!!??!
Rude: Noooo! It says; " Gimme a call sexy boy.."
Reno: WHAT??!?!?!??!!
Elena: No it says; "I'll make ya' halla' for a dolla'"
Reno: WHAT?!??!?!?!
Palmer: It says; "I'll tickle your pickle for a nickel!!!" Tra lalalala! (farts and waddles out)
Reno: WHAT?!?!?!?
Rude: It's EVIL RENO!!!! THROW IT OUT! THROW IT OUT!
Tseng: Maybe that's what Rufus was talking about.....the "offer", damn! Our President is gay?!!?
Elena: Well, considering that he said he would take Reno up on his; "offer" it doesn't prove that he is gay.....unless-
Tseng: Unless Reno offered something to him in advance!!!
Elena: Gross...
Rude: Shit!!! My best friend is not JUST an alcoholic anymore.....(sighs)
Reno: I though you all thought that Rude was gay?!?!?!?!? WHY MEEEEEEEEEE!?!?!? I AM NOT GAY! NO NO NO NO! I'M A CHIC MAGNET! THEY ALL LOVE ME!
Tseng: Uhhhh, Reno?
Reno: Yea?
Tseng: I don't think so.
Reno: Yea?!? Well when the hell was the last time you got any!??!
Tseng: RENO!! Now why would you WANT to know something like that......unless you were gay?
Reno: SHIT! I'M NOT GAY!!! God damn.....(walks out of room)
Tseng: That was kinda mean....(looks over at Rude....and Rude is not there. It just so happens, Rude is on the floor, laughing his ass off)
Rude: GAY!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! RENO!!!! GAY!!!! AHHAHAHAH! Serves him right, now, all God needs to do for me, is make everyone think Tseng and Elena are gay too....
Elena: WHAT?!?!? Why?!?!
Rude: Hummm, lemme think, you are BOTH picking on me A LOT for giggling, wetting my pants, and sucking my thumb! I don't even suck my thumb!
Elena:..........sorry Rude.
Tseng: Yea........sorry.
Rude: Kiss my feet and I'll forgive you.
Elena:....uh......with your, socks on?
Rude: NOOO! With them off.
Tseng: SHIT! (runs to the bathroom and pukes, then runs back quickly) Ooh, they musta had the wrong number....heh.
Rude: KISS MY FEET! (takes off his socks. Reeve walks in)
Reeve: Nooooooooooooooo! NOT MR. SOCKO!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHIT!!!!!!!!! (Reeve pees his suit and runs out)
(Tseng and Elena get ready to kiss Rudes' feet, but in walks-)
Reno: I'm not gay.
Tseng: RENO!!! YOU SAVED MY LIFE!
Elena: MINE TOO!!
Rude: What?
Reno: Huh?
Rufus: (runs in)
Reno: (whispering)....We gotta get a lock for that door
Rufus: LIGHTS OUT TURKS! WE'VE GOT A BIG DAY TOMORROW!
Rude: But it's only 9:30!!!
Reno: Yea!!! Hard Copy is on at 10:00!!! It's a Special!!!
Rufus: NO NO NO I SAID LIGHTS OUT!
Elena: But The LAST episode of The X-Files are on!!
(Suddenly a TV comes out of nowhere and droops down in front of Rufus and The Turks)
Mulder: Scully...I have loved you through the 5 years that I have known you but, something always happens when we are going to kiss-
(Mulder and Scully kiss. Then Aliens come out of no where and dance around them then flower pedals fall all around them and the Cigarette smoking man dies of lung cancer)
Mulder: Gotta love those Little Green Men (hugs Scully, Mulder and Scully laugh about the lame joke that Mulder made)
~THE END~
(The TV disappears)
Elena: (sighs)....That was one hell of a shitty ending!!!!!!
Reno: Yeah...what the hell? They made so many different things happen and they never gave any answers to them!
Elena: Well...At least they FINALLY kissed!
Tseng: Yeah...thats the only good thing that happened at the ending..
Rufus: I SAID LIGHTS OUT TURKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Rude: But Hard Copy-
Rufus: WHAT DO I CARE IF HARD COPY IS ON?!?!?!? I SAID LIGHTS OUT!!!!!! HARD COPY SAID I WAS GAY YOU SHOULDN'T BE WATCHING THAT!!!!!!!!!!
Reno: Well Sir...Aren't you really Gay anyway??
Rufus: WHA WHA WHAT?!?!?!?
Reno:.....? The "offer"???
Rufus:.........
(silence)
Rufus: LIGHTS OUT!!!!!!!
Tseng:....(sigh)...Ok Sir. (turns off the lights)
Lights: Click!
Elena: Now I can't see my way back to my room!
Tseng: Well then I guess that means you will be staying in my room....we can *play* on the tramplene.....heh heh!!!
Elena: ok!! (Tseng and Elena wobble off in the dark)
Reno: I can't see anything!!!
Rude: Where am I?
Rufus: Now I can't get out!!! (Finds the door, pees his pants, and runs out of the lounge)
Rude: We will be stuck in this darkness forever!
Reno: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
(silence)
Reno: RUDE???? RUDE???? DID YOU FIND YOUR WAY OUT?!?!?
Rude: NOOOO!! I PEED MY PANTS!!!!
Reno: (slips in pee and falls)...GROSS!!! AAAHHH!!!!!!
Palmer: Tralalala, I need to go on a diet?? NOOOOOOOOOOOO! (slips in Rudes pee, and dies because he never ate for the 10 minutes that he was knocked out)
Rude: What the hell was that?
Reno:.......Palmer I think.
Rude: I don't hear him breathing........does this mean that he is dead?!
Reno: WOOOO HOOOOO! Palmer is finally dead! Rude! I love your pee!
Rude: Is that YOU talking, or is it Uncle Sam?
Reno: Me, I do not love you, but I do love your pee because it killed Palmer.
Rude: Oh, now how do we get to our beds?
Reno: I cannot find the light....oh poopy.
Rude: So what now? This place smells like dead Palmer, pee, and........lounge.
Reno: Damn! I hate the smell of lounge!
Rude: (sighs) I know Reno, (pats him on the back) I know....
(October 31......HALLOWEEN!!)
Narrator: Now Reno and Rude fell asleep in the smelly lounge, that smelled like dead Palmer, pee, and well, lounge, and they wake up, unexpectedly, when-
Tseng: (Opens the door and hits Rude and Reno both in the heads.).......................?!
Rude: Piss on vinegar!!!! What the hell was that for?!
Reno: I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them Sam I Am........what? Rude? Tseng? SHIT! IT'S HALLOWEEN! HOO-WOO! (gallops around Rude and Tseng)
Tseng: Um, what are you doing?
Reno: It is a tradition of the tribe that I came from....
Rude: What the hell? You were never in a tribe! We were neighbors when we were little!
Reno: Well, you must have mistaken me for another Reno.....I was in a tribe.
Tseng: Reno, you're an idiot.
Reno: DAMN IT! Rude, you always ruin EVERYTHING!
Rude: What?
Reno: Man, why did you blow my cover?
Tseng: Reno, even if Rude never blew your cover I still would know you were lying,
Reno:......................how?
Tseng: Because you were talking in a gay narrator voice, that's how.
Narrator: (in a gay narrator voice) I take offense to that.
Tseng: Who asked you.
Reno: Oh, ok.
Rude: Let's get some bacon egg and cheese sandwiches!
Reno: Yummmmmmm......ok!
Tseng: Where are you going to get those?
Rude: From a secret place, that only Reno and me know about.
Tseng: Ok.
(Cloud's Villa)
Cloud: DIE DIE DIE!
Aeris: Cloud! Don't kill him just because he went through your baseball card collection!
Sephy: Mommy?
Barret: Don' listen to dat Flower girl! KILL HIM DIE DIE DIE!
Aeris: Cloud, you don't want to do this........especially to a man that is unarmed, it is not fair.
Barret: Life is unfair, kill him Cloud, DIE DIE DIE!
Cloud: Woooo shaw! (kills Sephy)
Reno: Ummm, anyone seen Tifa 'round?
Aeris: What?
Rude: She makes us bacon egg and cheese sandwiches.......and we are hungry.
Barret: DIE DIE DIE!
Reno: Ack!
Rude: (pees his pants, and he and Reno run out of the Villa)
(at Tifa's Seventh Heaven)
Tifa: Rude? Reno?
Rude: Um, will you make us some more bacon egg and cheese sandwiches please?
Tifa:...........ok!
Reno: I want mine with bacon.
Rude:............me too.
Tifa:.... ??
Reno: PUMPKINS!
Rude: Wha?
Reno: we forgot to make pumpkins!
Rude: I'm sure Rufus had some custom made already.
Reno: Oh...ok!
Narrator: Reno and Rude eat their sandwiches, and they then go back to their lounge.
Reno: Boy that was yummy.....
Rude: Tonight's the big night, everyone will be so funny to watch!
Reno: Hahaha! I know!
Tseng: (who just walked in with Elena) What will be funny?
Rude: The thing.....at the place....and the tigers.......yeaaaa
Tseng:..............??
Elena: I think you two are up to something.....
Reno: ME?! No.....well not today anyway.
Tseng: Oh, ok then.
Reno: (bursts out laughing and snot flies out of his nose) Ack!
Tseng: Hahahahaha! Reno, blow your nose, it always blows!
Reno:......anyone got me a tissue?
Tseng: Heh, I think he is practicing to be a pirate.
Rude: Heh, maybe he is....
Reno: ............please, I need a tissue
Elena: Aren't all pirates gay?
Reno: TISSUE!
Tseng: Me brother is dead, me mother is pregnant with a German kid, and me father is gay.
Reno:........................Rude?
Rude: (hands Reno a tissue from his front pocket.......that is yellow) Ooops, that's the best I can do.
Reno: NOOOOO! Then me nose will smell like pee!
Tseng: I think he has developed a speech disorder.
Elena:......Aren't people that say me all the time gay?
Reno: (with snot dripping down his face) NOT GAY!!!!!! (runs out the door, and runs into a secretary.)
Secretary: SHIT! YOU DIRTY BASTARD!
Reno: (with snot dripping down his nose) Excuse me, do you have a tissue?
Secretary: Gross! (runs away)
Reno: Damn, (starts to run down the hallway to the bathroom, and runs into a tour guide, with millions of people on hand.)
Tour Guide: Dirty son of a bitch!
People: Gross bastard!
Reno: Anyone have a tissue?
Tour Guide: What are you? Gay? Get away from me sick pervert!!!
Reno: I-damn you all! (runs down the hall, and continues to run into EVERY person he encounters, and never gets a tissue)
(In Rufus' Office)
Tissue Box: Lalalalalalalala! Ooooh, look at me! I'm in Rufus' office! Lalalala, I wonder when somebody is going to take a tissue from me...lalala!
Reno: (outside Rufus' offices' door)..............do I want to? But, what about his "offer acceptance"? Screw it, I'm going in!
Rufus: (On the phone with Judy Jetson) Well, I know how you feel about Mako polluting the air up there, but it is making me wealthy, so you will either have to deal, or you will die.
Reno: (looks at the tissue box with pretty frilly flowers all over it and thinking; "should I ask, if I do, will he think I am being nice to him so we can get it on? But if I just take it, will he think I am playing hard to get? (starts to sweat) Oh man, I'll just pretend I am in a bad mood, and just take it and storm back out, yea, good plan!!!!! You are such a genius Reno!" as snot is dripping off his chin)
Rufus: Well, we hate you Jetsons anyway! (hangs up the phone) Damn those Jetsons, such slackers.
Reno: (all of a sudden puts on a "grumpy face", crosses his arms, storms over to the tissue box, rips one out of it, and because the company tissues are so cheap, the tissue he was reaching for ripped, so he takes another, and it rips, and so he takes another, and it rips, Reno gets pissed, scoffs, and takes the whole box off of Rufus' desk, rips out a fart, and storms out)
Rufus: .................................................................?
Reno: (slams the door to Rufus' office behind him) PHEW! (wipes off sweat from his forehead, and FINALLY wipes off the snot from his face) Brrrr, now my face is cold. (tries to warm up his face by rubbing his hands on his cheeks, but he forgets that the tissue is in one hand, and whipes the snot back on his face.) DAMN IT! HALLOWEEN SUCKS!
Rufus: (walks out) It is a shame you feel that way, Halloween is MY favorite time of the year.
Reno: SHIT!!!!!! (wipes off his snot, throws the crumpled up tissue and the box at Rufus, and runs back to the lounge.)
(Halloween, 5:00pm)
(Turks Lounge)
Reno: Hey Rude, you almost ready?
Rude: (spits into a white napkin) Hell yea!
Reno: OK! (spits into a white napkin and makes the napkin look like a ghost by drawing a smiley face with black magic markers on the head part.)
(an hour later)
Reno: phew! We have about 100 spitty ghosts...and we're almost out of food too...
Rude: It's 6:00 just in time too! (the door bell rings)
Reno: oooh!!!! Our first victim...heh heh...!!! (Rude and Reno answer the door)
Skeleton: TRICK OR TREAT!! (holds out a plastic pumpkin)
Reno: ..hee hee hee....(puts a "spitty ghost" in his pumpkin)
Skeleton: THANK YOU!
Rude: Wait till he sees what it is....(screams are heard down the hallway, Reno and Rude run out)
Skeleton: IT'S ALL CHEWED FOOD!!!!! (Reno and Rude laugh and run back in the Lounge)
Rude: heh heh heh....damn, it smells like spit and lounge in here....
Reno: Shouldn't we dress up so, we won't be blamed on giving out chewed food to kids?
Rude: yeah!....Wait, what will we be?
(10 mins later)
Reno: aye matey!
Rude: Aren't Pirates gay?
Reno:...I don't think they are and, it's too late to find anything else to wear.
Rude: Yeah..I guess we will have to stay Pirates..
Doorbell: DING DONG!!
Reno: (answers the door)
Sephiroth: Trick or treat!!!
Rude: Didn't you die in this story?
Sephiroth:......
Reno: What are you supposed to be Seph?
Sephiroth: A genetic mutant, psycho, lab experiment, freak!!!
Rude: You are that anyway...
Sephiroth: I know that, you don't have to rub it in....IT'S NOT MY FAULT!!
(Hojo is seen in the background)
Reno: You have to have a costume to get some Candy!
Sephiroth:.....damn....
Rude: Well, we will give you some Candy anyway....(smerks)
Reno: (puts a "spitty ghost" in Sephiroth's plastic pumpkin)
Sephiroth: Thank you Gay Pirates!!! (disappears)
Reno: PIRATES AREN'T GAY!!!
Rude: We're gunna hear about this Pirate thing for months by Tseng
Doorbell: DING DONG!!
Aeris & Vincent: Trick or Treat!!
Reno: Nice costume Vincent!
Vincent:.............What costume?
Reno: Aren't you supposed to be a Vampire?
Vincent:.....No.....
Reno:....eep! Aeris what are you supposed to be?
Aeris: An Ancient!
Reno: You are an Ancient anyway
Aeris: Yup! Givin out Spitty Ghosts to people?
Reno: YEAH!! How'd you know that?
Aeris: Well, I am one of the authors!
Rude: oooh, special! Want a spitty ghost?
Aeris: Nah! I think I'll pass...
Reno: Pass gas?
Aeris: No...That's for Cloud or Palmer to do..heh heh
Reno: True but Palmer is dead...
Aeris: Yup, he would have died soon anyway because of.....all that Lard...
Rude: (whispers to Reno)....Why doesn't Vincent talk much? He is scaring me.....
Reno: (whispers to Rude) Yeah....let's make a run for it! When I say "gay pirate" we will run ok?
Rude: (nods his head)
Reno: GAY PIRATE!! (Reno and Rude run out of the Lounge)
Aeris: What??
Vincent: I think they are gay.
Aeris:.....................me too.
(Aeris and Vincent walk in the lounge and start to watch some TV)
Aeris: Hummm, I wonder if they have any snackies here.
Vincent:..........(shrugs)
Door Bell: DING DONG!!
Aeris:...........................
Vincent:.......................
Aeris: I'll get it.
(Aeris opens the door, and a group of people are standing there. Aeris looks about the people, as if she were scouting somebody out.)
Aeris: Ah Ha! There you are Missy!!
Missy: (as a mermaid).........brrrrrrrrrrr, it is cooolllld out here....why do-do-do- they have the co-co-cold air??
Aeris: Come inside and watch TV with me and Vinny!
Missy: OK! (Wobbles into the room.)
Reno: (outside) Ummm, wanna let us back in Aeris?
Rude: Yeah, we kinda locked ourselves out of the lounge.
Aeris: Ok...(sighs)
The Gay Pirates: THANKS!
(Reno and Rude waddle into the lounge)
(Meanwhile, at Rufus' Party)
(Gay, classy music is heard about the crowd of people invited to the Halloween Party)
Tseng: Man, this party sucks, and the music is gay. Rufus didn't even hire a band.
Elena: Yeah, I know.
Tseng: Let's get outta here before this music fries my brain.
Elena: OK!
(Tseng and Elena leave the party)
(Back at the Lounge)
Door Bell: DING DONG!
(Reno and Rude both rush to the door at the same time,)
Reno: (whining) MY TURN!!
Rude: Nooooooooo! MY turn, you are so selfish. (Rude walks away.)
Reno: HAHHAHAHA I got the door bell I got the door bell! (opens the door, and sees a nun and a priest standing at the door.) Uhhh, you have to say "trick or treat" to get some candy.
Nun: Trick Or Treat!
Priest: Trick or treat!
Reno: There ya go! That's the spirit! You go get 'em lil' trooper!
Nun: (looks at the priest)
Priest: Ummm, what are these prey-tell?
Reno:..................Ghost Candies!
Nun: (looks at the priest)
Priest: Ummm, ok. (looks in the ghost)
Reno: (starts to sweat)
Priest: Reeee-noooo!
Reno: What??
Nun: What the hell is all this shit?!
Reno: Who who are you?
Priest: (takes off his hat)
Tseng: You didn't recognize me?
Nun: (takes off her *bracelet*)
Elena: Me neither?
Reno: Am am I in trouble?
(Gay "trouble" music is heard in the background, Tseng and Elena look at Reno with "mad, 'I'm disappointed in you' faces")
Reno: ...................(kicks dirt)
Tseng: You're in a lot of trouble lil' man.
Reno: Au, shit.
Aeris: Where'd the dirt come from, we're in a lounge.
Missy: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Tryin to watch TV here!
Vinny: Yeah, God......
Elena: Tomorrow, you will have to pay the consicienses,.
Reno: Aw shucks!
(Tomorrow)
Elena: Reno! Come here.
Reno: (Wobbles to Elena.)
Reno: Yeaaaaaaaah?
Elena: Follow Tseng.
(one hour later)
(Rufus' Office)
Reno: (licking an envelope) ..............(looks up and has a "who knew" face on)
Rufus: Yeah, go on with your work Reno. Lick it lick it lick it.
Reno: Shit! (licks licks licks)
Rufus: Hahahahahaha!
Rude: (peeking from the "potty vent") man, I feel as though I should tell Rufus, Elena and Tseng that I was in it too, I feel bad having to watch him......au well, it was his idea anyway, and hell, maybe he'll score with Rufus! (continues to watch for the "unexpected")
Aeris: Why the hell are you still watching them?!?!?
Rude: Why are YOU watching them??
Aeris: I've got nothing better to do, Missy scored a date with Tseng and Elena went to spy on them, so me and Vincent are left here.....with you.
Vincent: Man, this is hell.
Aeris: Hey! Can we become Turks??
Rude: Well I'd-
Aeris: Of course we can! I'm an author! (all of a sudden, Aeris and Vincent become Turks)
Rude: (looks at Aeris in awe)
Aeris: See. Told ya.. I've always wanted one of these suits! ^_^