It didn't feel right. Something was wrong, and Chloe Price could feel it with every fiber of her being.
It was a calm, peaceful morning in Arcadia Bay. The sunrise had barely woken up between the pastel clouds, bringing rays of hopeful light and sparkling the dew on grass and tree leaves. The usually sleepy town felt even more sleepy, more abandoned, but somehow the emptiness felt like composure.
The good thing was, this shitty town was only a line on the horizon, something not existing at the moment yet painfully close, lurking between the trees always ready to swallow Chloe again. Swallow and vomit the most famous Oregon trash.
The blue pirate dug out the wrinkly and almost empty pack of cigarettes from the back pocket of her jeans. Shelooked inside counting on her luck and smiled wryly. Here it was - the last smoke, beaten and tortured between the wrapping and the package, still useable. Not as good as a big, fat joint but it had to be enough. For now.
She put the cig between her trembling lips and started looking for the lighter, more and more impatiently. The anxiety built up, she felt her hands shaking, her stomach squeezed in a ball of pain and fear. No, it wasn't about the lost fire, but the search didn't help. At all.
The silver zippo got found just before the tears showed in her eyes. A spark, a flame and long inhale. The smoke wasn't helping though. Her eyes were still itching from the cry that never happened, getting used to the bright morning light. She rubbed her eyelids, like a small kid too embarrassed and shy of their own weakness. Then, as always, she scratched her cheek, to pretend that the breakdown never occurred, that she was fine and would be fine, the strong one, the one that never gave up. And never cried.
No explanation was needed since she didn't have anybody to defend herself from. Yet. Sitting alone on one of the rusted cars in the junkyard didn't stop her from pretending how strong and careless she was. Chloe had to keep up with it every moment of her life or she would just break down and never rise up from the pieces. Fuck yeah, that was who she was and would always be.
Shattered by her own thoughts and feelings, Chloe reached for her phone, scrolling through messages, social media and photos. That was a mistake. She knew all of them by heart, could quote every message, describe every picture and count all the likes and thumbs ups, but the emptiness inside grew bigger again. Still no information, no text, no emoji, nothing.
The empty inbox felt like a deep, hollow well.
She thought about a quick throw, just to get rid of this useless piece of technology once and forever, so she would never have to torture herself again. The temptation to keep it was always too strong anyway. Chloe was always envious of people who casually checked their phones only when somebody messaged them, when notifications beeped, or a buzzing sound summoned them to the glossy screen. Sometimes they would respond, sometimes wouldn't, not caring about their mobiles before and after. Chloe cared all the time, though. That was part of her problem. Oh, fuck no, not exactly. That was her problem, period.
Smoking patiently, almost with reverence, she reckoned getting another pack of cigarettes would force her to leave this place and get back to the world outside. The world, where all the happy inhabitants would laugh and cry, plan their lives and joke about the weather. The world which she wasn't a part of, which she abandoned, hid from and forgot about. It was damn easy, because she wasn't alone. Then.
Yet something went wrong.
Chloe promised herself not to think about Rachel but couldn't control her own conscience and her own thoughts for that long. She grinded her teeth trying to focus only on good memories, only on uplifting things that had happened, the first kiss, the first touch, the first laugh, the sweet scent of red flannel, but the longer she kept her mind there the more she felt the weight of the dark recalls. There were things to deal with right now and right here, as always. That wasn't something she was eager to do or even think about, but the beautiful morning gave her a weird sense of hope. The last smoke was finally getting helpful too.
Solving this situation was supposed to be easy, but the more Chloe thought through all the possibilities, the more she felt she had no control over the outcome. She had no control over Rachel either, even if they both liked to pretend otherwise. It wasn't a game anymore, it wasn't just another play. It was serious shit. Ultimate. Final.
Fuck it.
She tilted her head feeling the bitter taste of smoke on the tip of her tongue. Rachel. The relationship was clearly not working, and Chloe had no idea what she was doing wrong. There was no one to ask for advice, no one to go to, no help whatsoever. When she was a little kid, still dreaming about becoming a pirate, she'd always thought that the whole deal was to just find the one, special person. All the fairy tales had taught her that if you were loved back no obstacles would occur. You would just get a happy ending regardless and your life would be well-spent. It wasn't that simple though. It was fucking complicated.
Was that adulthood? Was that what all those people had to deal with?
Rachel loved her without a doubt. She proved that a million times, but between the smirks, kisses, confessions and cute words, Chloe could sense disappointment, fear and a shitload of lies. The stuff between the lines started to erase the lines themselves, made them blurry and unreadable, and no flowers, quarrels or serious pillow talks could solve it. They both had a tendency of circling arounduncomfortable questions not asking them directly, both in fear and distress, making the situation worse and worse every day. Every minute.
Rachel stopped responding to her messages. It was always a bad sign, right?
Chloe felt helpless and she hated that feeling. It was just like seeing her father getting into his car in slow motion. Step by step, second after second and she couldn't do anything, she couldn't react even if she knew what would happen next. Like she knew he would be crashed by this truck, she knew he would die, but she was still exchanging smiles, wishing him to drive safe and even handed him the car keys. She couldn't stop, even if she knew.
That's how she felt about Rachel now. She was trying, was doing everything in her power, but the kisses had gotten way colder, every intimate encounter less passionate and the words less honest. Every single day they were fading away as a couple, as well as their future, built mostly from dreams and jokes, but still a future.
Was Chloe supposed to get back to school? Get a job? Stop smoking, smoke more? Drink at the Vortex Club parties or avoid everybody even more? It was like swimming in a dark lake at night. She was technically going somewhere, but didn't know up from down, left from right. She just didn't fucking know where she was going. If even.
And then she made mistakes. One, two, many.
Chloe didn't know what to do really, except avoiding the final confrontation. She knew it would come eventually but she was scared, so scared it would be the last time of them talking. Not that Rachel was pushy and really wanted to finalize things between them, but the blue panic needed some kind of closure, one way or another. She couldn't live in limbo, she'd been there for so many months after her father died, and right now she just needed to know if her girl still cared, or there was anything to care for.
Leaving. Rachel leaving. Chloe tasted those words for a second. She tried imagining what they meant, but she couldn't force herself to. All she had was them together, even if this relationship was mostly built on stitches and patches, not a serious foundation. There was nothing left. Chloe hoped everything would turn out for the best though, but deep down she knew it wouldn't.
The worst thing about dating her best friend was she didn't have anybody to talk seriously to about her problems. She couldn't cry on anybody's shoulder and ask for advice, open up and vent for hours about what she would and wouldn't do if the world turned upside down again.
If. Funny thought, it was already turning.
"There you are." Chloe raised her head, to look at Rachel who was carefully maneuvering between the rubble and rust of the junkyard. She was so perfect in this dance it almost looked like a ballet between the garbage and other thrown out things. Things that no one wanted.
"I brought you some smokes," she threw Chloe a pack of red Marlboro. A simple, friendly, cold gesture.
"Thanks," the blue sadness caught it easily and placed it atop the car she was sitting on.
"Always." Rachel jumped on the hood and sat by her side, like it was the most natural thing on earth. Her girl was always doing it exactly the same way, but this time the gesture, the smell of her hair, the squeak of a rusty car felt different. Abnormal. Heavy.
She wasn't too close nor too far, but Chloe could feel the distance in every move.
On the other hand, Rachel was here, wasn't she?
They sat for a moment in the morning silence, asking themselves for courage. Was it the day, or should they wait a little longer, should they stop thinking about it for a couple of hours and try to live another day together without bringing up the dark clouds?
The dark clouds were there anyway.
"We have to talk," said Chloe. Her voice sounded clear and calm, like she didn't care. She got scared with how cold she could seem if she put a little bit of act into it. Pretending was never her game.
"I know." She heard the reply. Rachel hid her palms in the long sleeves of her shirt, tilted her head as a small shiver went through her body. It was hard for her as well, it was more than visible. But why? The fuck, why? Was she feeling uneasybecause she couldn't wait to finally be free, or was she afraid she would be asked to stay? Chloe couldn't guess and really didn't want to.
It would be over soon anyway.
The blue pirate felt she was in control, but it didn't give her any pleasure nor satisfaction. Rachel was waiting for her words, her confessions or her verdict. Every moment with a person she loved was supposed to be special. This one was special too, but it was the wrong kind.
"It's not working." Chloe started to unpack the cigs, unwrapping the foil fast and loud to deafen her own words. "Whatever is going on right now it's not working," she added, not sure if Rachel heard her.
"Yeah, I got it," said her girl, not looking at Chloe. "I agree."
Yet another smoke was lit. Rachel took one too. It gave them space and time to think, to breathe so to speak. Just another minute of frozen time before hell would break loose.
Chloe went through uncountable variations of this conversation and still wasn't sure which one to pick.
"I know you have your stuff, Rach. I know it's been a rough few months. I know..."
"Are you breaking up with me?" Rachel stopped her carefully crafted speech and looked her in the eye for the very first time. She wasn't angry, not even surprised, but scared. Scared like a little animal in the woods before the storm, without shelter and protection. Scared to death.
"Do you want me to break up with you?" Chloe played this card so many times, but she couldn't stop herself from using it again. That was her way to beg Rachel to take over, to tell her what was good and what wasn't. Usually it ended up with silly jokes and ridiculous questions firing from one side to another. Not this time though.
"No." Rachel stated, inhaling the smoke deeply. "I don't know… What do you want, Chloe?"
"I want you to be happy. With me or without." It was an unusual response. Rachel was already trying to fight back the tears, but was losing the battle badly, like last night when she cried herself to sleep thinking and analyzing and finding ways out, still being trapped in the worst of the scenario.
"I love you, Rachel." She heard the soft voice. "I love you. I just want… I want…" Her tone of voice had changed. Chloe had never been amazing at expressing herself, and this wasn't her day either. "Fuck!"
She looked at Chloe in surprise, seeing that her always strong girlfriend was close to tears too. Rachel wanted nothing more than to just touch her cheek, to feel her blue hair between her fingers, to kiss all the sorrow and pain, but she couldn't. Not now. Maybe later, if there was any later. For them.
Guilty. She felt guilty as hell and the weight of this blame was slowly crushing her inside, like a truck ramming a car. There was a reason why she had been avoiding her blue girl for the past few weeks but revealing it would be the death of them. A car crash with no seatbelts on. Going a hundred miles per hour. It wasn't about Chloe, it was her own fault, although it would be a cheesy excuse. Rachel hated anything cheesy, preferred the exquisite and sophisticated, but there was nothing splendid about the mistakes she had made.
The price could be Chloe Price, for her own sake and misfortune.
Rachel Amber, the queen of life, the most popular, most beautiful and most memorable of them all, was a coward. She wanted to travel the world, striving for different places to see and different people to know, but there was one thing in her life she didn't want to change. And it was changing right in front of her eyes.
She made a mistake, one, two, many, and learned in a painful way that those errors and faults wouldn't change the people around her. They changed her instead. Rachel hoped that if she just hid everything inside, burying it, trying to forget, it wouldn't influence anything. It did anyway. She was a good actress, but no one was that great. Her excellence failed her a long time ago, maybe it wasn't there in the first place. Every night and every day, hour and minute, the guilt crawled out from its lair, eating her alive, slowly but surely. It transformed and redefine her. It changed the way she kissed, hugged, talked and breathed.
Guilt. Blame. Fuck.
She tried to tell Chloe, tried to confess, tried to tidy it up, to clear the air, and start from the beginning. She was just so scared that there would be no beginning, no middle, not even an end, just a painful emptiness, with her whole life up front but no Chloe at her back. By her side. No Chloe at all.
"Do you love me?" The blue rebel's voice was trembling. Pathetic, right? It was an easy question though. Well, usually it was, but the answer didn't have to be that easy now.
Love. Rachel had to force herself not to answer automatically like she had done for many months. She might be a coward, but at least she tried to be honest as much as her fear would let her. All her feelings had been thrown away, all her happiness cried out and there was nothing left, except the anxiety and distress. Rachel felt empty, was empty, and wasn't sure if that little spark, that smile that appeared on her lips every time she saw Chloe should be called love. On the other hand, how else would she call it?
"I do," she confirmed, hearing the sigh of relief from the other side. Drowning in her own guilt she immediately knew she wouldn't be able to wait as long as Chloe for that simple answer. Not without going crazy.
She wanted to kiss Chloe so much right now. She wanted to snuggle inside her arms and assure her that everything would be ok. She wanted to just lie a little bit, create a story about a rough time at school or a tough time at home and get her Chloe back. Happy, smiling, joyful Chloe. Chloe, who she loved the most, but lost along the way.
"Rachel…" She heard her name and looked at her girlfriend.
"Yes?"
"Just tell me the whole truth. Tell me what's wrong."
"You will hate me." Rachel couldn't stop her tears, but crying felt so unrealistic right now, just like it wasn't her who was crying. It was just this random person, completely not attached to her, not related in any way, a loser, a cheater, a coward consumed by fear and her own wrongdoings.
Chloe's heart stopped and then started to work again very slowly, as the suspicion worked its way out through her veins and blood cells to her heart. It was an ugly, slippery and horrid feeling but was rooted so deeply she couldn't brush it off.
Usually she would just jump off the hood of the car and start accusing, screaming, questioning and arguing, but suddenly Chloe felt really damn tired.
"I would never hate you." She reached for Rachel's hand, but her palm and fingers felt cold and lifeless.
"You had no idea…"
Rachel looked at the horizon, where the sun was slowly rising bringing the day to its glory. It felt like all her lies were uncovered by the morning rays of light at the same time. She didn't even notice her girlfriend's hand caressing her palm.
Somebody had to be the brave one though. Chloe unintentionally decided to be one, although she hated the idea with a passion.
"We can't be like this." She started slowly, but the words flowed out, like water through an open gate. "We can't avoid the uncomfortable shit, just because it's not easy or not fun. There is a chance for you and me, for us, to make it work. Fuck… It doesn't matter what you did or didn't do. It doesn't matter what mistakes you've made. I'm here. You don't have to tell me what's wrong, but it's far worse than telling me the ugly truth. I can deal with truth, I cannot with… this…"
Rachel was sitting silently, not moving, not even blinking.
"You came here." Chloe tried one more time. "You came here because you want to clear it up. Just give me a chance to..."
"I cheated on you."
Chloe felt cold. Everything got cold. Frozen. In the middle of Oregon spring. She couldn't feel her legs, heart, hands. She wasn't sure if she still had ears to hear those words, the brain to process them and eyes to look at Rachel. The dark and terrible ending of everything was lurking at her, almost grabbing her and throwing her away. Again.
Was that a train she was hearing? A wheezing sound of an engine that couldn't stop? A train would be too simple though. It was more like a rollercoaster.
"Why?" She picked only one question from thousands she had in mind.
"Because I was stupid." Rachel was slowly waking up from the numbness. The guilt, relief and regret shook her once again, while she really tried not to defend herself angrily. Not yet anyway. "Because I didn't feel like I was worth it," she added and start sobbing hard, so hard that the car hood crackled within the spasms of her body. A lullaby of a cheater played by her arms and rusted metal.
Not knowing how to react, torn between running away, hitting Rachel's arm and calming her in her arms, Chloe just sat still, upright, straight but not alert. It wasn't happening, it was just another premonition, another bad dream. Just like the good dream, while she was in love and with the girl of her dreams.
Damn it.
"Please tell me." Chloe surprisingly found out she was close to breaking down too. Her throat was burning from the crush, from all the suspended tears and cries, but she had to be the strong one. She hated it. "Please tell me, and we will work it out," she said again, knowing it was partly a lie. She wasn't sure if it would be all right, or if there would be any later at all to worry about.
Hard times beg for fake hopes. She learned it from her mother and it wasn't a bad lesson. Why not try?
Rachel forgot about the cigarette, which burnt out by itself. The sad snake of ash was dangling between her fingers and started falling apart slowly. She snapped it away and dragged out another one. Spark, flame, inhale. Astonishingly she was still alive. Breathing.
"You want me to elaborate?" She tried to be cocky but failed.
"Yes." The answer was simple and rough, but Rachel was used to it. She didn't expect anything more, hence she wished for a couple of more words. Hearing Chloe's voice, the most amazing sound on earth, was always calming her down in a strange, peaceful way.
"It started three years ago." She closed her eyes and let her memories carry her away. "I met a girl who I fell in love with. They called her a delinquent, an outcast and a rebel, but I felt attracted to her from the very first time I laid my eyes on her. It was so stupid and childish, but I was stalking her, like for real." Rachel smiled weakly, tucked her hair behind her ear, like she did every time she got nervous. In a weird way, it was really helping. "We didn't have any common friends or even acquaintances, so it was particularly hard for a 15-year-old to find a way to contact this girl. I tried fucking everything, but she was an absence queen, so it was hard to catch her at school, and I thought… She despised me. I was hanging out with the boring cool kids, beauty queens, but she… She was the beautiful free spirit. The spirit I envy to this day. I wasn't sure if I was just curious or in love. How the fuck can you be in love with a girl?" Rachel laughed surprisingly soft, but her eyes weren't smiling. "I did everything I could and found a way. She liked the same kind of music I did, so I used all my power, limited at the time, mind you, to let her know about a concert of one of her favorite bands. The stalking thing paid off."
The sad smirk appeared on Chloe's lips. Just a smirk though, for the memories' sake.
"I never told her that it wasn't a coincidence. She had to get to the venue by herself and fuck me, she did it. I was so scared when I saw her there, despite all my efforts, that I just pretended to dance like crazy. But I was paying attention, I was one big attention though, and I was on cloud nine. She was there. When she disappeared after a while it almost broke my heart. But I was lucky again, you know. I forced myself to help her with those guys who almost hurt her. Double score, I was her hero, I was holding her hand and... Damn, this girl… That night I knew I was in love with her."
Chloe didn't know. She didn't know the story behind it, so she almost forgot how the conversation had started. She was looking at Rachel in disbelief, not sure if she was hearing her right. It was new, baffling and overwhelming, to put it mildly.
"I knew it when I came back to my house and my bed and I couldn't stop thinking about her. How she smelled, how she smiled, how she looked at me. Probably she was shy, I know it now, but then… fuck, she was the definition of pure confidence. I thought she was seducing me with every move and every step. And it worked. Oh God, it really worked. I was hers, full stop. I accepted it without a single fucking question. And mind you…" Rachel rose her finger, not stopping her speech. "I was so intoxicated by her that I went to bed with my hand between my thighs, thinking about her touch and her blue eyes. It was probably the very first serious orgasm I had in my life."
The sparks in Chloe's eyes became a flame. A few months ago, she would already be ripping off Rachel's shirt, kissing her, holding her close, as close as possible, but this time was different. She had to stay focused even if her own desire was building slowly inside.
"The next few days were crazy. I'm not going to bore you with all the details, but…" Rachel stumbled on her own words, trying to find the right way to say what she needed to. She just may as well go down in flames and be honest. This one last time. "I remember how it hurt when she told me she wasn't a virgin. I remember how scared I was when she asked for something more than friendship. I remember how much I had to force myself to flirt with her like crazy… Because I wanted her to be mine. I even proposed to her on a fucking stage in front of the whole school. I'm not sure if she got it, she's not a Shakespearian girl though. My dumb colleagues didn't get it either, thank God, but I just wanted her so badly I couldn't imagine my life without her. I didn't fucking care. At all. Just me, her, her hand in my hand… I remember our first kiss, the one I started... Can you imagine how scared I was? Once I started I couldn't stop. I was like oh fuck, I'm gonna lose my virginity in the middle of a fucking street. A young girl in love. Me. And... You." She looked at Chloe, who was trying very hard not to show how stunned she was.
"You have no idea, Chloe." Rachel closed her eyes again, getting back to her memories, the happiest she had. The kaleidoscope of bliss carefully collected and preserved. "The dream of running away… I wanted to run away just to be with you. All that shit about being famous… I was famous while being in your arms, I felt like a superstar every time you smiled at me. Running away meant I would have you only to myself. Because, fuck, I was selfish. I'm still selfish…"
Chloe was really trying to process all of it but gave up and was listening. And damn her, it was a pleasure to listen.
"I remember my first time. I haven't told you, but it was my first experience. Everybody expected the most popular girl to be a little bit of a whore, so I never actually acted on it, scared of this label that they gave me. I'm painfully romantic sometimes and I wanted somebody to love me for who I am first. It was fucking hard. I was lonely. I really was, but then you happened…"
A beer. Chloe really needed one. Or a shot of whiskey. Or a whole bottle. At once. Now.
Anything.
"It happened here, at the junkyard. I knew it would happen, I could feel the tension between us. This girl… You... gave me a lot of sleepless nights fulfilled with pure gay panic. I was trying to prepare myself somehow. You can't really prepare, but fuck it, I wasn't even sixteen, so the fuck I knew. I wanted to impress you, I felt expected to impress. It was so pathetic. I cried the whole night so scared that you would assume I do know… stuff. I was so happy it was coming and cried at the same time, imagine that. Stupid bitch."
Chloe couldn't wait, she had to hold her in her arms. She closed Rachel in a hug with one quick move, not sure if her girlfriend would mind. Touching her for the first time today was so painfully sweet she almost forgot why they started this talk.
Rachel held her back, brushed her lips against Chloe's hand, too scared to actually kiss her, and escaped from the embrace. The courage was leaving her slowly, and she desperately wanted to finish the story.
"That day you even told me my eyes looked puffy. Fuck, after all that crying shit…" She got back to that sunny afternoon when everything went so fast and life tasted so sweet. "Your tangled hair, your eyes full of passion when you were taking me. Taking me again and again, marking me yours. You were my first, Chloe." She looked at her girlfriend, now calm and reconciled with everything she wanted to confess. "But you weren't the only one."
The sunny day got heavy and dark immediately.
"I was living the dream for months, Chloe. I didn't care if my parents cared about me or not, or if my amazing friend called me a dyke at school. I was holding your hand and was proud of it. You were mine, nothing else mattered. Whatever was happening to me, I knew I could always come back to you, hold you, be in your arms and you would make everything ok."
The memory of those first days was always vivid. The intensity of the attraction at the beginning, and to be frank, intensifying since then, was mesmerizing and overwhelming. The new details Rachel was revealing were a surprise to say the least but fit in the picture perfectly. As the small bits and pieces finally fell in their place some small unanswered questions finally got the responses.
Still, the worst of all was coming. It was moving closer and Chloe wasn't sure if she was prepared for it. Rachel sighed heavily, her whole body shrank, cracked, got weaker and smaller. Her guilt was so great it almost got a physical form.
"But one day the dream had ended, because I did something… stupid? Wrong word…" She corrected herself and stuttered. "I… I was careless, and I slipped. I can blame drugs and booze, but that's not really true. Everything was so picture perfect that I expected the frame to crack. You know that feeling when you see a sunny sky and wonder when it will start raining? That's me. I started to wonder when the fuck everything would end. When you would leave me for somebody who is more like you, freer, more... everything. And that was my first mistake."
Chloe's self-esteem flipped upside down while listening to Rachel. She knew the struggle. She went through the same questions, but her girl's love was always saving her from the fall. She felt guilty, even knowing there was no fault in her doings. Or was there?
The trees surrounding the junkyard rustled impatiently. It was just one of those calm spring winds moving the branches but in Rachel's mind it sounded like a final warning, the decisive sign. It was coming. Rachel wanted to stop it, she really begged herself not to talk anymore, but kicked her fear in the stomach instead and continued. Slowly.
"One day we argued. I don't even remember the reason. It didn't really matter. We parted in anger and I was walking around town for hours, not sure who I could talk to. It's hard not to have any friends… Or when your only and best friend is your girlfriend. That wasn't the first time, nor the last one, but I just didn't have anywhere else to go. You were... are… my home, Chloe. I was homeless without you. I'm homeless…"
The blue pirate closed her eyes, knowing what Rachel was about to say... She could sense it inside, praying for the first time since she was a little girl, hoping it wasn't the truth, hoping she would get some different explanation. The final words sank deeply, and Chloe wished she had never started this talk. They could just pretend that everything was still perfect, right? She didn't have to know, she didn't need to hear it.
It was too late though.
"Homeless people stick together, so I figured I would talk to Frank." Rachel choked while saying his name, balancing between a soft voice and hateful tone. "He knew you, knew me, knew about us, not to mention the free weed, always a helpful bonus. I wasn't really planning on it, I just saw his RV and it seemed like a good idea. I was stupid enough to think he would like to hear a teenage girl venting about her relationship problems. Well, naïve would be a better term though."
Frank. Chloe knew. She felt her fingers clenching into a fist, even if that was the last thing she wanted. She had been suspecting something for weeks now. The way Frank had been speaking about Rachel, the way he was obviously mean to her every time she was buying something without her girl around. She hoped he was just jealous, but obviously there was more to it.
A shitload more.
Oh, God. Chloe just wished Rachel would spare her explicit details. It was more than she could bear anyway. This time, Rachel Amber decided not to hide anything though, and it was worse than a big, fat lie.
Be careful what you ask for.
"Frank wasn't home, if you can call it home, but the door was open. I walked in and smoked some of his stash before he showed up. He always had a thing for me, I knew it, I used it against him many times. He wouldn't mind though. Frank…" Rachel wondered how far she could go with describing everything, somehow she wanted to hurt Chloe, she didn't know why, she wanted her to feel her anger, disappointment, fear while it happened, but she fucking loved the blue-haired girl with all her heart. "He was patient enough to give me beer and listen for a good hour. At some point, he turned on some music, took my hand and asked me to dance. Can you imagine Frank dancing slowly to jazz music? Me neither, but I was crying so much for the previous hour that it didn't seem like a bad idea. Just a fucking dance. I just thought he got tired of my venting and was trying to calm me with some fun stuff, but I should've known better. He kissed me, and I didn't know what to do... "
Slapping him would be a good solution. Chloe didn't say it, but fuck, she really wanted to.
"He kissed me again and I responded, still in shock. He didn't taste like you, he was different, rougher, less loving, less... Anything. There were no strings attached, no big plans, no future to start or to build. It was just Frank, stupid me and some vice. That's it, so… "
"… So you just went with it." Chloe sounded understanding and surprisingly peaceful. They both knew this impression was far away from how she really felt.
"So I just went with it." Rachel lowered her head, hiding behind the waterfall of her blonde locks. "It felt wrong but right at the same time. I didn't even think about cheating, it just happened. One thing led to another and then…" Her eyes got dark gray, losing the hazel spark. "I was the whore that everybody expected me to be. I woke up next morning and I wasn't yours anymore. I was nobody's. Just like that, like something switched in my brain... or heart... I came back to you, tried to fix everything with a kiss, with everything I got, but didn't have anything to give. Not anymore."
Chloe remembered that day. She almost forgot about the clumsy kisses and random silence, not to mention the worst sexual experience of her life, but now it came back with full force.
Exploding inside was amazingly silent.
She couldn't help herself but to look at her girl. She hated every word, but somehow, she was proud of Rachel. Proud of going to hell and back to tell her this story in person, not in a shitty letter or a text message.
It was more than most people would offer.
"You still loved me, still cared and I didn't know what to do with myself. I tried to avoid you, I tried to reject you, but fuck, I still loved you too much. Too much to tell you, too much to risk your love and exchange if for the truth. I couldn't touch you, kiss you or fuck you without feeling guilty, dirty and… because I was staining something sacred, something I valued most in the world, more than my own life. So…" Rachel dared to look at Chloe and regretted it in the same second. She hid and curled inside again. "There you have it, two mistakes in one. How Rachel Amber fucked herself over," she added so close to breaking down and crying helplessly.
Chloe was still sitting on the car's hood, arm by arm with her girlfriend, but she felt universes away.
"Rachel…" she whispered. There were so many emotions behind this one whisper. Anger and pain, disbelief and strive for revenge.
Rachel was sure her girl would slap her. She almost wanted it to happen. Just one fucking hit. Slap. She wanted to feel it, wanted to get defensive and win this battle, like most of their arguments before. But she was the storm now, she was the thunder and Chloe was just waiting there, not acting on her anger.
"Sadly, that's not all." That sounded like a provocation, and it was in a sense. Chloe still didn't react, frozen inside and outside, so Rachel didn't have any other choice than to just continue.
"I got back to Frank, because he was as dirty as me. It was fucking painful, but there was some peace in that pain. We were... worthy of each other. I tried to pretend that there was something between us, so… So I would just feel normal again, feel decent, just having this one dark secret instead of being the fucked-up girl like I was, but it didn't work out. I was thinking about all those hookups you had with random guys before me and tried to be jealous again, to defend myself somehow, but I couldn't. The drugs fucking helped too. I was... I am using too much. Frank... he is not a bad guy, but he wanted me and hated you more and more every day. He started to get attached, so it was a slippery slope, got worse every day. I couldn't hide the fact that I spent most of my days thinking and also talking about how I fucked up the amazing stuff with you and he couldn't deal with it. He kept repeating that you were the problem, you were the obstacle… To the point that he got violent, seriously violent. I got fucking scared he would hurt you and I used that excuse for months. I kept lying to myself that I had to meet him, otherwise he would hurt the girl I love but don't deserve. Oh yes, I was lying to you too all the time, more and more, so it almost felt natural, like one of those 'our' things, you know. Just another lie, another semi-truth. I fed you with a lot of those. They all tasted like ash filled with shit."
Chloe knew the taste very well and she knew how easy it was to get used to it.
"I wanted to leave everything behind, you, Frank, the love I destroyed, everything. I even asked him to leave Arcadia Bay, just another lie, another projection. We tried once, but I panicked and forced him to turn around. I fucking couldn't… function... without you." Rachel was barely keeping herself together. She almost felt like begging, but it was too late for it, and it scared her to the core. "I just wanted to be this shallow, stupid bitch, one of those models that walk through life carefree. But fuck, Chloe… My life is so fucking empty that I don't even know what... what I want anymore."
And here she was crying. Hard. She deserved it. Chloe tried to remember about it when she jumped off the hood, walked to Rachel and closed her in her arms. She deserved it, every tear and every sob, but Chloe wiped away her tears with the back of her palm. She deserved it, but the blue desperation lifted Rachel's chin and looked into her eyes. Those beautiful hazel, bloodshot and puffy eyes and then, despite of all the tears, wetness, sniffing nose and the whole mess, she kissed her girlfriend. Once. And then she kissed again.
It wasn't a passionate kiss, but a calm one. Unruffled and loving, full of understanding and hope. A false hope, Rachel noted, but beggars don't have a choice of what to fed themselves on.
Hope.
It felt like a dream though. Rachel focused on this thought, hung onto it, but she couldn't stop herself anyway. Held by the person she loved the most, and whom she just shattered into small pieces, she was crying even harder and harder.
They didn't know how long it took. It felt almost like the whole day, hours and hours of comforting. The smell of a freshly ironed shirt, the cheap cologne, salty tears on the jacket's sleeves became permanent, defining the borders of their little bubble and no one wanted to leave it. When they parted, the sun was still high in the sky though, not even starting to make plans for the evening.
"Rachel…" Chloe's hoarse voice sounded weird and distant.
"Chloe…" Rachel wanted to start to apologize but knew it wouldn't do any good. She didn't have to though. Her girl knew it anyway.
The blue pirate looked at her with so much pain and sorrow that her heart stopped. She knew it would be bad, it wasn't that hard to predict it, but when she actually saw the damage, every single scrap of hope she had fell away.
That was how it ended.
Chloe was always full of surprises and she didn't fail this time either. She hugged Rachel, pulled her close as if the world was ending right there and now.
"Rachel Amber. You are mine. You gave yourself to me and fuck… You are mine."
She had to hear it wrong. It wasn't fucking possible. It was not.
"You really want a fuck up like me? A whore and delinquent?" That was the only thing Rachel could say and it sounded pathetic, like a stupid self-defense. It felt good to be pathetic. For once.
"Don't offend my great taste in women and... my girlfriend." Chloe's eyes sparkled, but it was a sad firework. "Still, girlfriend. And, as I learned today, my fiancée even, since I had no idea what that whole shit was about while I was dressed as a stupid bird onstage during that play. I don't dig dead poets that much."
Rachel laughed a little bit and then blushed again. It wasn't intentional, but she always managed to look cute and shy, while Chloe tried to put her anger behind her. Sometimes it was helpful, sometimes they both hated it. Now it was both.
"I'm sorry." Rachel felt her tears coming back. She promised herself not to use this word, but here she was. Another disappointment, another failing promise.
"I know. I know, and I'm sorry too," Chloe exhaled, avoiding eye contact.
"Don't take the blame for me, Price."
"Ah, so we are at the last name stage now?" The vivid sense of humor of the most colorful citizen of Blackwell Academy made a huge comeback. Just in time. "Listen... I should've noticed that something was wrong, and I was trying to find that the reason… was me. Self-absorbed asshole, my middle name."
The common responsibility card, but of course. Rachel hated herself even more right now. How else could the perfect girlfriend react? Could she be a little bit less perfect? At least today?
"That's an interesting translation for Elizabeth." She managed to joke, trying to get back on the witty horse.
"Huh?" It took Chloe off guard.
"Your middle name is Elizabeth." Rachel gladly reminded.
"Stalker."
Rachel was afraid to be called that for years, but now this word was an ice breaker. She smiled finally, feeling just a tad better.
"But… yours." She found the courage inside to state it again. She was Chloe's and fuck, nothing would change it. Even if she would leave her, even if they would break up…
The blue rebel broke the embrace suddenly and walked a few steps away. She turned her back to Rachel, put her hands in the pockets of her jacket, thinking. It was the right time to tell her the whole truth, now or never. But would it sound like a competition? A hurting contest?
Her girl felt suddenly so empty and cold. She missed the arms around her shoulders, the breath on her cheeks, the warmth and understanding. Rachel opened her mouth to ask Chloe to come back, when she heard her saying:
"I kissed Max."
"What?" That wasn't something she expected to hear.
"Since we… I wanted to tell you... Oh fuck, it's so not important now... But let's clear up the whole thing, alright? Max. Max Caulfield."
The fact that Rachel wasn't the only guilty one here didn't help the jealousy to stop building up inside.
"Max…" She repeated, narrowing her eyes. She knew the story behind the name and it was always an obstacle, a piece of glass on a sandy beach, a piece of paper in the carefully prepared dish. Of course, it had to be Max. Of course.
Rachel had no right to be jealous, but still was.
"She showed up out of nowhere a few weeks ago." Chloe's back was still turned, and she was not looking at her girlfriend. It was frustrating not to be able to read her emotions from those honest eyes and crooked smile, but the blonde jealousy could only thank herself for the position she was in.
"I know, you mentioned it." Rachel agreed, remembering how much she tried to avoid meeting Max and succeeded at the end. Chloe really wanted all of them to hang out, visit places, maybe even have a sleepover at the junkyard, but she didn't want to know this former friend of hers. The first and most obvious explanation was that the famous Seattle resident probably would sense that something was wrong between them and arguing with the blue trouble having her ally by her side wasn't the best idea. Deep down Rachel knew she was scared of Max, she was jealous of the close relationship those two were sharing. It was damaged and far from perfect, but they still managed to contact each other after all those years.
Like mentioned before, Rachel Amber deep down was a coward.
"Yeah, well..." It was Chloe's turn to introduce painful details. And it randomly felt good, even if it shouldn't. "We were fooling around, and I dared her to kiss me. Stupid thought, I wanted to feel something, because lately... I felt like shit. She did it. Once, then one more time…"
Chloe finally dared to look at her girlfriend. Rachel's eyes were burning, and it wasn't a nice flame.
Some things never change.
"No, I didn't fuck my ex-best friend, who by the way got back to Seattle anyway and right now is on her way to San Francisco with this girlfriend of hers. But damn, I was tempted. There was this person who knew me almost my whole life and didn't know you. Didn't know about the fucking struggle I had to put up with the whole time. It just didn't feel right, especially after…" She stopped suddenly, and blushed.
"After what?" Rachel sounded more aggressive than she wanted, but blushing Chloe was never a good sign, unless they were both naked.
Knowing that her girl was jealous and furious made the blue rebel sad and happy at the same time. She was almost content with the thing with Max, not because she liked it a lot, but because she could use it right now and right here. Take advantage. Damn, it was vicious.
"Well… We decided to go for a midnight swim before, so she had to change after. I told her to go through my closet and she dressed up in your clothes."
"Can you elaborate?" Rachel was watching her like a hawk. Her tears almost froze on her face, sparkling like diamonds. Here she was, Rachel Amber in all her glory, jealous and cold. Fire and ice. Chloe loved her with her whole blue heart, even now, especially now and it was the most amazing feeling in the world.
"Well, wearing clothes, yours or somebody else's is not something extremely complicated." She decided to tease just to see Rachel explode again. It was always a nice view.
"Did she wear my stuff before or after you were making out?" Her girlfriend did not disappoint again. She forgot to put the mask on, so all the guilt, fear, anger, anxiety and jealousy was visible at once. And damn, she was beautiful.
"For fuck's sake…" Chloe carefully didn't comment on the making out part. The whole thing took maybe five minutes, nothing to Rachel's standards, but why go into details? "After. I mean both. So... technically first she was almost naked, so we kissed a little bit, and then when she changed…"
Rachel never wanted to break something more in her whole life. She wanted to just smash the whole junkyard if possible, break every single car light, smash all the empty beer bottles and wreck their hidden hideout, specially everything remotely related to Max.
"I have no right to be jealous." Her eyes said something completely opposite. Caulfield was different than this pig, Frank. Max was special to Chloe somehow and even a more or less innocent kiss hurt as much as a stab in her heart.
"You're fucking right. You hella don't. Not now anyway." The unspoken warning in the blue voice surprised Rachel, so she just sat awkwardly, studying her Converse closely as if she'd never seen them before. Their white laces got extremely interesting lately. Rachel had no idea she could watch the texture with such intensity. Yes, she was angry, damn livid to be exact. It was a good anger though.
Chloe choked, not sure if she should continue the confession, but she said all she wanted to, so it was time to get back to the harsh reality and the much bigger problem. A few kisses wouldn't be a groundbreaking thing even in their best moment. What Rachel had done was an entirely different story. Chloe felt the heavy weight of it on her shoulders again.
Turning back to Rachel, she looked at her seriously. Here came the verdict.
"I'm not gonna lie, you hella broke my heart, woman. You broke it into a thousand little pieces and I have no idea where those pieces are now. You took me to hell and back today. But…" The pirate's eyebrows rose. "I appreciate the honesty."
"Really?" Rachel shook her head, feeling grateful that they got back to discussing the elephant in the room. Max seemed not important at all at the moment, even if she was everything the blonde was thinking about a minute ago.
"I would appreciate if it had been sooner, but…" Chloe shrugged. "I understand."
"That's it?" Rachel frowned.
"That's it." Another shrug.
Rachel might be a coward, a mess and a chicken shit, but she always wanted all the cards on the table, especially when she really wanted something.
"Are you breaking up with me?" She asked again, finally raising her head.
"Do you want it?" Another one of those famous Price's answers, in a question form.
"Fuck no." She answered simply and closed her eyes, waiting.
Chloe sighed. Deeply.
"Yes, you fucking broke my heart. You have no idea how much it hurts now. You have to find all those pieces, put them together and fix it. It will take you a shitload of time though and it might not be nice... I might be not nice. I might be a horrible asshole sometimes. I might scream at you, call you a cheater or a traitor… or cry out of nowhere, because it will fucking hurt. It's not an easy job, the pieces are fucking hard, small and sharp, you might cut your fucking fingers…"
There went the hope that this was the last talk about Frank, cheating, drugs and even fucking Max. If Rachel expected them to leave everything behind, she was more than disappointed. On the other hand, she shouldn't complain though. It was going… somewhere.
"I'm not sure if you want to do it, but if so… then you have to know... that every single piece you're gonna find and put in place to patch me up... Every single small thing you're gonna collect on your fucking knees... Even those who look like trash or dirt… There is a fucking unconditional love for you in all of them."
Rachel blinked. Chloe Price speaking in metaphors was as usual as snow in the middle of summer.
"We have something amazing, intense and beautiful. You fucked up, I almost fucked it up too. I might've fucked up too, who knows. "
The probability of Chloe going wild and rouge scared Rachel even more. It was not only the jealousy, but a fear of a payback.
"You wanna take revenge on me?"
"I wish." The honest answer wasn't something Rachel was prepared for. "I wish I could go to a bar and fuck every single girl I would meet there. I wish I could take them one by one in front of you, so you would feel what I feel now, but…"
Rachel had an amazingly vivid imagination. The description was more than enough.
"No." Chloe shook her head. "No revenge. Do you know why?"
The emotional rollercoaster was literally killing both of them. The only answer the blue pirate could get was a simple nod. The whole discussion seemed unreal, like a miracle of another chance.
"Because I love you, Rachel Amber. I will always love you. Till the end of the world and beyond."
Can you be heartbroken, while hearing that the girl you love, loves you back? Speechless and choking on her own tears, this time with pure joy, Rachel reached for her hand, weakly trying to touch Chloe, to feel her close again. She was still too overwhelmed to walk to her or even get up. Her legs were trembling so much, she wouldn't dare to take a single step.
Chloe understood, guessing her wish once again. She walked toward her slowly, touched her cheek, caressing the skin still wet from tears and sweat. Hesitant at the beginning, she let herself to kiss the girl. She tried to keep the caress patient and loving, but it never worked out with Rachel. Her girl always heated up to every single kiss and quickly responded with passion and fire.
It wasn't supposed to work like that, but who could resist anyway and fuck it, this one sinner knew how to kiss. This girl knew how to love even if she was lost and selfish so many times.
"So?" Rachel was the first one to break free. She really didn't want to but landing on a safe ground was more important than getting swallowed by the blue-haired desire.
"What?"
"How are we gonna do it? The clean-up I mean." Saying that Rachel wasn't good at solving her problems would be a mild expression.
"I don't know. Convince me that you want it." The pirate bit her lip. She knew she should've said something wise and important, but she reached her limit in that field a while ago. The only thing in her mind was to kiss those lips again and forget about all the trouble.
And the kiss happened, escalating quickly. Rachel's hands on Chloe's neck, fingers in her hair, pulling hard, breath on her neck. Wasn't she supposed to still be angry?
"Is that convincing enough?" Rachel forgot about Frank, about all those weeks filled with stupid despair and dry tears. She wanted to forget, even if she never would. Diving in her favorite words was a way to save herself from breaking down once again.
"Yeah…" Chloe sniffled. "But I could be more convinced."
Oh, they were playing this game again. Rachel loved it, knew the rules by heart and it never tasted so good before. Well, maybe except the very first time.
"Come and take." She smiled, with way more fire in her eyes than she should've shown.
Chloe didn't respond. She was just looking at her intensively instead. Rachel could feel her burning skin and impatient breath, but there was still an obstacle between them, something that forced her girl to stop.
"You are mine, Rachel Amber. But next time I'm gonna make love to you it has to be in a proper fucking bed."
Waiting wasn't something that Rachel Amber was used to. On the contrary. Frankly, she wouldn't mind a hot, careless sex right here and right now, just to silence all her feelings, release the fire and come as hard as possible.
"I don't really mind this truck though. Wasn't that one of your fantasies? To actually fuck me on the…"
Chloe put a finger on her lips, hushing her up. Rachel took it surprisingly well though. At least she didn't bite her.
"I knew a girl once." The blue rebel smiled lightly. "She was very good at playing games, acting and lying. She was the most beautiful and amazing creature I've ever seen, and fuck me, she still is. She was hella selfish and angry, but I knew she was hiding a lot of her stuff inside. I wanted her to open up for me, being mine. She gave me herself without a single question asked. She took my hand and I followed. I didn't know how shy she was for real and how insecure. I know now. We got lost so many times and we rushed a lot of things. I can't fix that even if I want to, but…"
Chloe grabbed her girl's hand and kissed her palm for the very first time in her life.
"Rachel Amber, you lied to me. You lied to my face…" She murmured.
"I know."
"I'm not talking about Frank, or the drugs or… the shit like that."
"Oh?" That's all Rachel could produce as a reaction. She was carried away with the reception and tenderness anyway. She didn't want this afternoon to end.
"You didn't fucking tell me I was your first. And I just fucking ripped off your shirt in the fucking shed at the junkyard. I was rough and impatient…"
"Baby…" Rachel couldn't help but blush. Hard. The contrast of her blue earring and the shade of her cheeks was extremely vivid. "It was three fucking years ago… And I wanted it badly, so badly…"
Chloe was apparently waiting for more details, which made the blush worse and her voice hoarser.
"So, I was thinking..." she stated weakly. "Since you are painfully fucking romantic..."
Rachel wasn't stupid, even if she was acting like it from time to time. Her heart ached while watching her girl trying to fix a thing that didn't need a change for sure. But that's who Chloe was though, always willing to do better. Be better.
"So… you're thinking about a huge bed with silk sheets, candles and rose petals on the floor?" She found the strength to smile once again. Crying wasn't fitting and damn exhausting. Rachel preferred different ways to exhaust herself.
"Well... don't overdo it." Chloe smirked. "I can try to carry you to the fucking bed though. Since we're engaged… Not that I was informed about it in the first place, and I had no idea about this shit, it would be nice to celebrate in the proper way…"
Celebration was the last thing Rachel expected today.
"And when exactly will it happen?" She asked carefully, not sure if she should believe her luck and the unexpected turn of events. Pushing for such a thing wasn't wise, but her flame was too high to listen to the voice of reason.
"Impatient, aren't we? Well, you will have to wait." Her pirate was rarely a tease, but when she was it was hard to stop her and was the best one in the world. She looked down at her worn-out shoes shaking her head lightly. Jumping to bed, even if a proverbial one, would be too easy.
Too hard.
"I don't believe it, Price." Rachel gasped in frustration. "You are giving me a hella cockblock now."
"Don't rush it, Amber. I learned one thing today. You have to wait for the good things in life... and we..." Chloe smiled and found a way to close her in her arms again. Step by step. Carefully. "We have all the time in the world."
The trees above the rusty junkyard moved with the wind again, rustling silently. The space, filled with old wrecks and useless junk, shimmered in the light of the sunset. Somewhere between the long and hungry shadows, two girls were staying in an embrace. An embrace they didn't expect to occur or last and didn't want to break. The unworthy ones felt worthy and loved again finding their way back, and that was more than they ever expected.